We have been potty training since January and my daughter has put me through the ringer with a wide variety of different phases she has gone through in this process. Her newest one is to wet or soil herself purposely (and yes, I know without a doubt that is being done on purpose) in order to test me. I get it. She's 3. She's trying to push the limits and figure out boundaries.
I have done rewards. I have done consequences. I have even done the forbidden - punishment. We have bounced back and forth between diapers, pull-up, and underwear. (Which, yes, I realize we're not supposed to do.) She'll tell me one thing and do something that counters it. I am absolutely lost, frazzled and completely worn out. Most importantly, I don't know what do anymore because I feel like I've done it all.
She is in charge (at least of her bodily functions). She knows it and she's abusing it. So how do I deal with this?
About two months later, we had to take her older sister out of state for a surgical procedure so she stayed with the in-laws for a couple days. When we came back, she was golden and has had only a small handful of accidents since then.
She lives for attention and I firmly believe that when I wasn't around to give her any, the potty training finally stuck. She only had one accident at the in-laws and unlike the times when I was around and she would either laugh or sit in it and ignore, she was horrifically upset to have an accident at the grandparents. Thank you all. I realize it is a horribly tricky subject.
Why not forget it for awhile and put her back in diapers or pullups for a few months?
I think she IS seeking attention but I doubt that she is knowingly "manipulating" or "testing" you.
She sounds like she's not ready for whatever reason.
First of all: she is not abusing her power, she's displaying it. It is her body, after all.
I say stop trying to potty train her. It's obvious that it's causing more stress than it's worth for both of you. She's clearly not ready. Back off.
in reference to another post, don't farm out a consequence to the doctor(or anyone else!). we as parents need our kids to know that WE are in charge, not that we are taking orders from the doctor/nurse/santa claus.
one of two things is going on... she's either not ready to be potty trained OR she is needing/wanting more attention. have there been any other major changes in her life recently? marriage, divorce, new baby, death of a grandparent, change in daycare, move to a new house? whether it's truly a potty training issue or an attention seeking behavior, i personally would be inclined to put her back in diapers/pullups. i am a very strict parent that expects A LOT behavior-wise out of my 3 children, but potty training is one of those battles that i have not chosen to take up. my boys both potty trained around 3.5, and i'll let my little girl go at her own pace too. i see a lot of parents that want to do it early, and their kiddos have accidents for a year or two(though they are "potty trained" and it's truly an accident, not what your daughter is doing) - i would MUCH prefer to throw away a diaper than to clean clothes, car seat covers, carpet, furniture, etc. so, all that said, i would just tell her that you are realizing that she is not quite ready for the underwear yet, so you're going to put them away for awhile, and when she's a little older you'll try again. that will take that behavior away as an attention getter(and may give you a glimpse into if there really is soemthing going on that is bothering her), and it will probably really lift some stress off of you. take a break for at least a month - don't even MENTION the potty, don't tell her she's not a big girl, or call her a baby b/c she's wearing diapers. just leave the issue alone altogether. when you're ready(maybe even after the holidays if that will keep your stress level down throughout the busy season that is coming up), talk to her about it - and go hardcore. take away ALL the diapers/pullups(except for what you need at night, and put those where she can't reach them), and make her clean herself up if she has an accident. on the next go round, just try super hard to be 100% consistant and very upbeat/positive about it.
i hope that helps. it's not a battle you can win if she doesn't want to do it, like you said, SHE is in control of her bodily functions, so stop stressing yourself and her out - it will happen! and it's MUCH less stressful if it happens on their terms. good luck!
Put her in diapers until she is ready to train. There is no amount of begging, pleading, bribing you can do with a child to get them to toilet train. She just isn't ready so accept it and move on. In a couple months try and re-introduce the idea, but go straight to underwear. If she is not trained in a week, go back to diapers. She won't be getting married in diapers, but there is no point in forcing a child to train when they do not want to. And you are right that she is manipulating the situation, so stop letting her by giving her a choice. If she doesn't want to go in the potty, that is fine she can wear a diaper. No pull-ups---that is just giving them their cake and letting them eat it to. (this is why I HATE pullups!) If she wants to wear panties, then she needs to keep them dry. Toilet training does not take 11 months---she just isn't ready and this has now turned into a control issue. You control what she wears on her bottom, but she controls when that changes from diapers to underwear. Best.
Have her clean her own underwear when she does it. I had my (then) 3 year old daughter cleaning her own (rinsing and rubbing with soap) when she'd wet herself on purpose during nap...she wouldn't be quiet and lie down, I'd tell her to, she'd wet herself so she could get up and come out of her room.
She had to rinse and soap her undies twice and cried through it both times (she doesn't like dealing with anything "yucky"), then she quit doing it.
Just an option. Sorry, I know it's difficult. Good luck, though!
She sounds very smart, like my doctor daughter who did all this stuff and finally was really trained at 4 when she got mad that her younger sister was potty trained (easily, I might add). My mistake was to make a big deal out of it. She needs to feel in charge and I didn't know how to handle that. I'd back off and put her in charge of it as much as possible. Tell her you know she will handle this when she is ready. I'd be as neutral and relaxed as you can about it. She knows you're the parent and she's the kid but, if she's like my daughter, she enjoys a power struggle. I'd just refuse to fight at this point. She can't maintain the fight forever when there's no one to battle with. Just take extra clothes along or whatever you have to do without making judgments.
IMO, do yourself a favor and put the diapers back on her for a while, and drop the subject. It's highly unlikely she'll be doing this by the time she reaches kindergarten age, or getting married in them, as someone below said. LOL.
OR, you could keep spending all your time having this battle. You are right, she is completely in charge and she knows it. Take the power away from her by putting her back in diapers and stop giving her something she can control you with.
My guess is that by changing so much she feels like she's in control and can manipulate to get what she wants. So my advise is to pick a system for potty training and STICK TO IT, even if it takes weeks or months. (I'd suggest the 3 day potty training method, just google - it worked for my strong willed daughter) Kids who feel like they're in control will manipulate until it finally breaks through that when I do A, B happens. When I do C, D happens, ALWAYS. Whenever you're inconsistent, they realize that if they push the right buttons, they can have their way. So they're constantly looking for buttons to push to get their way, and it frankly drives us nuts. And you know the funny thing is that even when a child gets their way 100% of the time, they are never happy. They really want to feel the boundaries. Its like a kid standing in a long hallway with a million doors, they will try them ALL to be sure that they are all locked.
I would throw away all diapers and pull ups. She can control herself, so she should not be protected from the consequences of peeing/pooping on herself. I don't advocate making her sit in it all day or anything, but she should have to change out of the soiled clothing, rinse it off over the toilet to remove any poop, and then put it in the washing machine and turn it on. You can provide a chair and some assistance so she doesn't make things worse, but keep as quiet as possible and as matter of fact as you can. Make sure she knows ahead of time what the consequence will be if she dirties herself and then just quietly follow through. She's enjoying watching you get upset, so don't give her that reward.
Don't get discouraged if this takes a long time, she is going to be very angry to have the power taken away and it will probably get worse before it gets better. I've struggled with my 3 year old since May, and its only been in the last two months that I've felt that she's no longer challenging me and winning. It was tough and I'd be happy to talk through what we did to solve behavior issues if you're interested. I felt very defeated and out of control many times. But we got through it, at least this stage. :)
Best wishes!
Hi D.. Thought I would let you know that you are not alone. I'm going through the exact same thing. I also *know* with 100% certainty that my child's behavior is intentional. Any Mom who has experienced this situation will understand. I'm hoping you get some advice or success stories from someone who has had this level of difficulty with their child, because I need it too.
When she has an "accident", make her clean herself, the floor, and her own cloths and/or bed. She will get tired of doing all the cleaning her self. I know that you will have to go back over the floor and the like, but do it when she is not looking if need be.
DON'T go back to diapers or pull ups stay in panties, she is ready, you are right it is a power struggle, kids used to be potty trained by 2yo now people are saying they aren't ready till close to four whatever I think it is the parents that aren't ready, I had a very willful daughter also, I had to find just the right "reward" to get her to train, I agree with the posters that suggest not giving an emotional response and have her clean herself up......though I know not reacting can be stressful you are already stressing out over this so it is just a different kind of stress, I think she will get bored of cleaning herself and not getting a response out of her......also when having her clean herself leave her alone, tell her what needs to be done and then walk away, if she starts to play before completing the task at hand put her back on task and walk away again, the next time don't even speak to her just take her back to where she is supposed to be, with no real attention gained from you she will give up the fight just stay strong......just consider this a training exercise for her teenage years ;-)
Tell her you called the doctor and are switching back to all diapers because she said that you are obviously still a baby who should be in them. Then keep them on for a while-at least a week. Don't give in when she asks for anything else. say-we have to do what the doctor said. Then when you are convinced her game is over put underpants back on. If the games start again-back to diapers for longer this time. And whatever you do-be as calm and as matter of fact as you can be. No yelling or drama.
Mine did the same thing...many will tell you they are too "young," but mine wasn't. We were in the store and he wanted new big boy undies. I told him I wouldn't buy them for him until he was ready to use the big boy potty all the time. He said, "If you don't buy them for me I will pee on the floor right now." I answered , "That is not how you get your way or how you talk to your mommy." Guess what my darling 3 year old did...peed right on the floor of the store just to prove he could and would.
Starting school is what worked for us. He was potty trained 1 week before preschool started. We tried starting, stopping, rewards, ingnoring the peeing in his pants (by that I mean trying to have no negative reaction), having him clean up his "mess"...nothing phased him...he just didn't care. You are not alone. It was so frustrationg b/c this was the 1 thing he could control and he knew it. He had the choice and he was in charge. I wish I could offer more advice, but all I could really do was wait it out. It was really more like when he was ready it happened. I would just stick with it and try not to react. Good luck!
If you think that her behavior is intentional, what do you think her need is that she is trying to address? Certainly not "abusing it". Think on it for awhile, and back off in the meantime. That may be the need she is trying to address:)
Interesting. I have to wonder how you know your daughter is wetting/soiling on purpose? I'm not saying that it isn't possible, or even probable, but I'm just wondering how you know for sure?
You obviously already know this, but I think the one major factor missing in your process is consistency. And it's also clear from both your description and from your words that your daughter knows she has the upper hand on this. But really, they all do when it comes to THEIR bodily functions, don't they? We just need to know how we will CONSISTENTLY deal with their choices. The only thing we can TRULY control is ourselves. And in your case, I'd say that you need to decide on your plan, whatever that is - as there are many ways to successfully potty train kids - and stick to it. Let your daughter know what the plan is, what the reward or consequence will be, and stick to it UNTIL SHE'S TRAINED.
The other option, and probably my preference, is to take a break from potty training altogether. If she has total control of her bodily functions, as you say, then no, there is no physiological reason to stop training. But if this is how things have gone since January, what would be the harm in taking, say, a month off? Give your daughter, and more importantly YOURSELF a much need reprieve from potty training. Regroup, if you will. Maybe use this time to decide on your plan. OR don't think about it at all. What's another month of diapers? Trust me, your daughter is by far NOT the only 3 year old in diapers. SERIOUSLY, she's not. Take a break, and break the current patterns you have going on. Maybe in a month, you'll be more patient and have a refreshed attitude toward the process, and maybe she will too.
Blessings and good luck!
You are right! She is playing you like a fiddle. I would go back to diapers, act like you don't care one bit and see what happens. My #3 daughter was a bit stubborn about the potty and finally trained at 3 1/2. I think the key in this situation as act like it doesn't phase you ONE BIT. Diapers are back!
Many years ago I went to a seminar called the "Goals of Childrens Misbehavior" and it really encouraged parents to step back and take a look at what is going on and then come up with a reasonable plan to address what the child is saying through what they are doing. I encourage you to do the same. What is she trying to tell you, albeit, through refusing to potty train? What is going on? What has your response been? What would you like your response to be?
Toilet training and kids who refuse to eat are baffling; and neither one can be controlled; but one must look at the underlying things going on. You may need help from an outside counselor type person for this one to sort things out in an objective way.
Hi D.,
I remember how frustrating this time is, trust me. You said it toward the end of your post. Your daughter is in charge of her bodily functions. So, I'd encourage you to let her be. Put her back into diapers, or pull-ups, whichever is easiest for you. And tell her when she's ready to go potty on the potty chair to let you know. You're stressing this way more than is good for both of you. This stress can actually hinder her progress. Instead of looking at it as her testing you, disobeying you, or failing, think of it as learning. Each time she goes in her diaper is just another learning opportunity. Just say matter of factly, 'when you're ready to use the big girls potty chair let me know.' Once you make this non-issue she'll learn. I know what I'm suggesting is easier said than done. Potty training shouldn't cause a riff in your mother/daughter relationship. In the big picture it just isn't worth it. You'll get through this. Hugs
Is she really doing it on purpose or is she just having accidents????
Even if a child can mentally understand... it does not mean they can then do it. Nor accurately...
Maybe she is just not ready.
It should not be a battle.
My son, did start going to the potty chair, until about 3 years old. We never forced him. We just kept the potty chair around wherever he was... the one day, he 'wanted' to use it. We helped him.
Then he got better at it, as he got more on par with his body cues... and reactions....
Or, leave your child naked on the bottom, while at home. Until she gets that 'mastered'... then go on to the next step. Not rushing it.
all the best,
Susan
Been there done that... She want's your attention, good or bad, and I guess she's got it!
What helped for us to just completely ignore that kind of behavior. I didn't reward or punish or lecture. I just said "well, I guess we have to change your clothes, strip her pants, put new clothes on and continue exactly where we took off. If it was bedtime, then it's back to bed. We didn't do pull ups (too expensive) so on some days I changed her 5 times. It lasted a week, then she got bored of all the changing and washing up.
Try approaching it like it isn't a big deal and definitely nothing that you will reward her with attention for - but do give lots of attention for other, non-toileting good behaviors.
Good luck!
Take back control! Quit switching back and forth. Decide if she's going to act like a baby, then she'll have all the trappings too, like diapers. Forget the underwear. Either diapers or pull ups. Stick with it.
She's only 3, so you have to expect that she doesn't have clear concepts of right and wrong and empathy for mom and stuff. Come up with a plan that if she soils herself, she....what? takes a bath? She'll get tired of getting into the tub that often. If she has favorite clothes, which get yucked up because of her behavior, then it doesn't get washed as quickly as she wants it back.
I would also find a book on behavior like this real fast.
good luck
I'm sure this is really frustrating. Threes are tough. They are very irrational and also able to do or not do a lot!
Threes are also very young. Think about how complex her language is. How much understanding she has about numbers, or the days of the week. She gets a lot of visible things, but can't grasp abstract concepts at all.
Can you look at it as a way for her to be communicating with you. Obviously you get her message loud and clear. So, can you do some self-searching and think if you are ignoring the message when she tells you it in a less emphatic way? Can you take her actions and translate it to words that she could use? -- I know that she wants things that she shouldn't be doing, but can you give her the words to talk to you so she can make her point in a better way?
Once you see a "stalemate" try this. Tell her what she wants. "You want X." then tell her what you want and why "I want Y because blah." (keep it short and simple.) Then say "Let's figure out what we can do."
NOW you're teaching problem solving. And you'll be surprised at how good you get at this and that it only takes a couple minutes. Once you try, once you concentrate and once you truly look for a way to problem solve. You are now laying the groundwork for a very skilled child and saving yourself a lot of future problems.
Another thing to do is to drop trying to solve this the way grown ups do and start being playful. Maybe have something talk to her. Maybe go into a character, with a low voice, a bad foreign accent. -- but that's probably a big leap for you right now. A good place to get ideas is to go to the library and check out "Playful Parenting". It really helped me avoid many many many battles in the preschool years.
I agree with Sue M - just casually move her back to diapers or pull-ups and let her know that she can try underpants again later. Just approach it casually and make sure she knows that this is not a punishment. Just say something like "I know you've had a hard time with accidents so why don't we just have you wear pull-ups until you feel comfortable going on the potty again". And then don't push it. My daughter went through a similar phase a few months ago. IN her case, she would be fine all day and then at bed time, she'd ask to get up multiple times to go potty. And then she would go just a tiny bit in her pants - not enough to wet the bed but enough where we had to get clean underwear and PJs. We realized it was a control thing so I just casually suggested we start wearing pull-ups to bed again and, surprise, it stopped right then and there (and she hasn't done it since). While it was going on, my husband and I were so frustrated and she knew it. And it continued. But as soon as we calmed down and just said that we'd have to wear pull-ups, she stopped.
I think the key is to let her know that you're not stressed. Then you will be able to see if there is a bigger problem at hand (i.e. if she's acting out because of something else) or if it's just her testing your boundaries.
