2 Yr Old Srvere Attachment Has Us at Wits Ends

That's what happens when parents split up. It traumatizes kids.

Other than that, there is nothing "mentally" wrong with him. I hope your boyfriend and his son's mom are nice and civil to each other.

Also, two years old is very young, and two year olds often want their parents to hold them. That is why being a parent is hard on relationships. I and my husband haven't had much "privacy" for 20 years.

Your boyfriend allowed himself to become a father. He has to put up with his two year old. It goes with the territory.

Please listen to Dawn. This child deserves proper attention, and not to be shut in a room at two years old.

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What Dawn B. said.

Please seek some resources-- children should not be isolated for needing attention. Attention is a legitimate need, and the only way children can convey the strength of that need is crying. Their brains are developing, they are not using the 'higher' part of their brains at this age but a lower, more primitive part of their brains. Consequently, the brain of a youngster like your boyfriend's son actually processes loss and upset as *real pain*, much like us getting our fingers slammed in the door. This is why you are seeing this very emotional reaction.

My son went through a phase for about a year where he only wanted me; going to playgroup, he only wanted me, not the other kids. This Is Normal for young children. I gave him support in this and lots of empathy. As he got older, because he had lots of positive support from me and knew I was dependable, he was able to venture out into playing with other children.

"The Science of Parenting" by Margot Sunderland is a good place to start. Understanding the social/emotional needs of this little boy is of vital importance to him. If you are isolating him for being sad, you are risking having a very emotionally shut-down, angry older boy later on.

You ask if he's not getting attention from his mom, yet you and your boyfriend are isolating him when his behavior isn't comfortable for you. The real deal is that he's not getting enough attention from his father. Please don't blame the mother for this. Asking if something is mentally wrong suggests that you and his father need to find ways of coping with his needs and understanding them. He is two. The fact that he is crying for three hours straight is very concerning to me. I've worked with children for nearly 20 years and I've never had even the most colicy baby cry for that long straight; they can be comforted, even for short periods of time, if we make an effort to help them. We can't punish our little ones for having a biological need for attention because it doesn't suit us. You are both adults.Time to do the right thing and find ways to help this little guy, not to punish him.

Okay, wait a minute, I'm confused... you have a 3 year old child with your BF, but he has a 2 year old son from another relationship? So, you were with your BF, had a kid with him, then you split up, he then had another child with someone else right after that, he then split up with her & is now back with you? Your BF has 2 kids that are a year apart, and with 2 different women? That's how your post is reading. If it's true, wow, just... wow.

Am I the only one here who can already see why the kid is so clingy? Poor thing is confused, insecure, unstable, and good lord, he is only 2 years old, still a baby. His parents are separated, he's been thrown into a new family, he's already at the age of separation anxiety, and is trying to adjust.

What are you doing locking him in a room for 3 hours so he can scream & cry himself to sleep, just so you can be selfish & get some time to yourselves?! I have news for you & your BF, that is mean, abnormal, and, not to mention, there is no such thing as privacy or alone time when you have young kids, and especially not when it's hurting them. Would you lock your own kid in the room crying & screaming for 3 hours? I HIGHLY doubt it. Honestly, you both should've thought about this before bringing precious life into this world.

Time to stop being selfish & give that baby lots of love & attention, which is sounds like he is in need of.

He's beyond fed up with holding his own child? He is put in a room for 3 hours to cry until he finally falls asleep? Ridiculous. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. I know Im being harsh but get some perspective. This poor little boy is obviously very insecure with himself (he's 2, that's normal) and just needs to be reassured of his place in the family. I highly doubt his mother is giving him inadequate attention if he is with her 2 days a week. More likely, his father (and you) are not giving him the stability he needs from his permanent home (which your house if he's there 5 days a week). Open your heart to this child and tell your bf to man up and be a father. Give him all the attention he needs, hold him when he needs it, reassure him he is loved and wanted and a member of the family. 2 years old is still a baby, treat him like one.

you mention that "your boyfriends son" who is 2 has a severe attachment to him. Then you go on to say that "our 3 year old"......
Something doesn't sound right here. If you had a child with him 3 years ago, and then he had a child with someone else a year later that is now 2 years old? Maybe he is confused and getting mixed signals from dad on relationships and he is just trying to hold onto dad so he won't lose him. I'm sure many kids that are passed back and forth between parents act this way. All you can do is love him and give him the security he needs.

It is normal for a 2 yo to be clingy even when they're in an intact family given lots of a love. Your boyfriend's son is passed back and forth between his mother and his father. And, his father, pushes him away. This boy is afraid because he feels so very insecure. And the more he's pushed away the more he will cry to be held.

Think about the fact that at 2 a child is 100% dependent on adults for his very survival. He knows, instinctively, that if someone doesn't want him or acts like he doesn't want him his life is in danger. We're all born with the need to be loved and cared for. That means we need attention.

Yes, it is difficult to deal with a baby that clings and cries but doing so is required of parents. I'm glad you're asking for ways to fix this. First there is no easy way. This baby is already insecure. You don't mention what his life was like before this. Was he fed when he was hungry? Were his diapers changed when they were soiled? And most importantly of all was he held when he cried. Or was he left in a crib and taken care of when it fit with the adult's life? If he had an insecure life it will take a long time for him to learn to feel secure. In fact, he's missed the optimum time during which a sense of security is learned.

What you can do now, is have his father hold him all of the time. The father can eat while he's holding him. He can do almost everything while holding his son. His father needs to show him by his attitude that his baby boy is very important to him and that he wants him in his life.

You can be patient and loving with them both. Spend time with the son, playing with him when his father isn't there and when he is, showing him that he's important to you. It will take time for him to warm up to you. Give him time. Be patient.

And never let him cry for hours. Hold him while he cries so that he feels safe. Have you never been upset and cried for hours because there was no one to hold you? If not, I'll tell you, from my experience that it's very scary. I felt so very alone and helpless and I was an adult who knew I would be OK.

When he feels loved and secure he will stop crying and clinging. This is a normal stage made worse by his experiences of being shuttled back and forth between mom and dad and everything else that went on during the parent's relationship and separation. When you guys lose patience with him his fright goes up another notch. He's feeling that maybe no one will love him enough to give him what he needs.

I guarantee that if this baby doesn't get the attention he needs now he will be an angry out of control little boy. For that reason I urge you to look into parenting classes for the two of you as well as therapy for all 4 of you.

Please quit pushing this baby away. :( If you have him 5 days a week then the two of you are the Primary Caregivers in this baby's life and he needs stability, which he obviously does not have with the back and forth between Dad's and Mom's. I would set up a VERY consistant routine when he's there that he can depend on. When his father is there, have him take him everywhere he goes. Try to form a relationship with him, as well. While your boyfriend holds him, you can read him a story or play like you're going to tickle him, or give him a little gift. Take him everywhere with you guys and have your boyfriend rock him to sleep or lay down with him at night so he feels secure. Try to explain to your boyfriend that this is what he really needs. Maybe get a few parenting books, such as books written by Dr. Sears for the two of you to read together. Also talk with his Mother and see if she can develope a similiar routine at her home and try to feel out if she's responding consistantly to his cries and needs, as well. You all three NEED to be on the same page. Good luck and I hope things improve for the little one. :(

He's 2 and wants his dad... sounds normal to me... him crying for 3 HOURS sounds like someone did not want to console him and make sure he was okay. My daughter does the attachment part. It kinda sounds like he isn't getting enough attention somewhere. It doesn't matter if your boyfriend is fed up, he became a father... no offense, it's just privacy goes out the window when you have a child. He will grow out of it... does he really want to look back when his son is 15 and is all "get away from me" and wish he spent more time with his son?

Maybe you can go to a play therapist or someone that can help to see why he is constantly crying? But crying IS a child's language. If he can't talk he gets attention by crying... talkative ppl are frustrating sometimes but you wouldn't punish a person for talking too much. Does mom have a boyfriend that he doesn't like or does he not like his mom? Is there some reason his mom is not fit to have the boy, because it is cruel as hell to leave a child alone for 3 hours and if his mom will be a mom he needs to go to her... he sure as hell sounds like he lives in a selfish home with y'all. I would NEVER put my child in a room so I can have time to myself, especially 3 fricken HOURS. You have to be encouraging your boyfriend to pay attention to the little boy, he needs his dad. I'd be mad if my boyfriend was escaping his son's need for attention (not saying that's what he is doing). I'm sure the split has affected him too, which is confusing in itself... how there's a 3 yr old that yalls and a 2 yr old that is someone elses?

I totally agree with Dawn and Hazel. Look over how you two act... when you say your boyfriend is passed fed up that raises an eyebrow with me. Y'all have to just buy a straw and suck it up. I understand it sucks and the crying will probably subside with oodles of willing attention... kids can sense tension. I hope you never isolate or punish him for expressing any emotion even if it is crying... that will lead to some issues in his psyche. You can read loving without spoiling or the book Hazel was mentioning. Nothing is wrong with that boy except maybe not getting Willing attention.

I understand your frustrated but honestly, was really mad after I read your post because the way I read it is this little boy is getting neglected by you two. Y'all just gotta deal with it and be parents. Something is wrong with y'all, not him. He's responding to his sad, disappointing environment. Your supposed to create an unconditional loving environment so he can be secure and feel safe, it doesn't sound like that's happening. The two kids are different? Not to say something mean, but DUH! No 2 kids are the same and you just have to adjust and love each one UNconditionally and STOP pushing this little boy away. We don't need any more emotionally shut down men in the world. And we don't need more parents being neglectful.
I just still CANT believe you put him in his room for 3 HOURS to GET AWAY! God that's so fricken selfish!! That POOR boy was probably terrified while you two numbskulls were relaxing and ignoring that poor baby.

I'm a single mom of 2 girls - a 4yr old and a 2 yr old. For the first 20 months of my 2 yr olds life, she would scream if I wasn't holding her, playing with her, sitting on my lap, etc. And as frustrating as it was at times when I was trying to care for a 3 year old....I knew that what she wanted was ME. My attention, my love...her hatred of being away from me made me want to assure her more. I understand that at times you and your boyfriend would like privacy, but that can happen after they are safetly put to bed or when you have a responsible babysitter. You say "for the longest time" the boy has been this way....if he's only 2, he's been this way as just a baby! Please, as tough as it may be sometimes, leaving him to cry for 3 hours in his room is not the way to deal with it. He wants his dad b/c it's the only person he knows...I highly doubt anything is mentally wrong with him. I would work on the way you and his dad react to his needs before crossing that bridge. If anything, please remember - he is 2. His dad, his mom, and you are totally responsible for raising him, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. His cries for attention are his way of giving yous a clue about what he needs. Kindness, patience, and understanding that the little guy is going through a rough transition with his parents seperation are really necessary if you want him to get through his neediness. It makes my heart sad to think of my kids crying alone in their bedroom for 3 hours at such a young age.