2 Year Old Saying No Constantly

When is he saying "no"? Are you asking him something or suggesting he do something before he responds with "no"? Or, are you telling him to do something and he responds with "no"? There is a big difference.

If you give him a direct instruction/command to do something, and he says "no", then he should be disciplined. If you are merely asking him or suggesting to him that something SHOULD happen and he says "no"... well then you did give him the option and you have to live with his decision. The trick is to know in advance whether you REALLY expect/require him to do what you are saying. If it is optional, then ask him. If it is NOT optional.. then give him 2 choices. For example:
He needs to be dressed to go to the store. You know he isn't going to want to put on a shirt/pants/shoes whatever. You don't say "honey, don't you want to get dressed so we can go to the store?" He'll say "no" and then what? What you say is: "Sweetheart, we are going to the store. Choose which shirt you want to wear... this green one or this blue one. Which pants: These shorts or these jeans? Which shoes: The sneakers or the sandals?" He chooses one... then you put it on him. It's all in how you present things. Try to give him options as much as you can, but don't give too MANY options. Usually 2 things to pick from works the best, or they won't be able to decide and can get overwhelmed.

Good luck.

You are in good company! A 2yo who doesn't say no and dig in his/her heels a thousand times a day is not developing normally – OR has a parent who knows how to recognize the child's natural needs, and empathize just enough to swing the child around 180 degrees.

All behavior is a means to get some need met (pay attention to your own behavior/reactions/tone of voice for a few hours, and you can see the truth in this!). Especially in such a young child, behavior is pretty spontaneous and based on underlying needs – your son is beginning to recognize himself as a separate person with his own set of desires, and he longs to assert control that allows him to explore this separateness. (Kids who don't/can't go through this stage often have some developmental delay.)

It's so important not to take a child's behavior personally. He's really not rejecting you or your values, but he's expressing his own perceived needs in the only way he has. It looks and feels like stubbornness, maybe even meanness, because a 2 year-old's emotional repertoire and vocabulary are so limited. In truth, without your limits and requirements, he'd feel confused and lost. But he wouldn't know how or why.

Instead of more intensive pushing or pressuring from adults, kids generally respond positively and quickly to "I see by X behavior, you want/need more of Y. I really, really understand. I wish we could give you as much Y as you want. More, even! Now, let's go and do Z, so you'll have some time to do Y afterward."

My grandson never has reason to tantrum, and his acting out has almost disappeared since instituting this approach a couple of years ago (he's now 4.5). Though he does receive the logical consequences for his choices, punishment as a parent-imposed ritual has virtually disappeared from his life – there's no need for it. His parents (and other nurturers) don't have to coerce or manipulate him, or seldom even raise our voices, to get his calm, respectful,or often even cheerful, cooperation. He knows we're on his team, and so he's happy to be on ours.

If this sounds as wonderful to you as it is, teach yourself why children become balky and stubborn at two, and how to respond, and you can melt away a tremendous amount of that youthful resistance. Three fabulous resources for helping you in this follow:

The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp (you can also google this for some great little videos showing him putting his techniques into action);

Also the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and the concept of Emotion Coaching, another term you can google for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

There are also some terrific books working with related techniques. One of my favorites is by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The methods make for good emotional connections, resulting in happy, cooperative and (mostly) obedient children.

Oh no, you aren't alone...trust me on that one!!!! Our dr said that this is the "anal stage" and we can expect this type of behavior, however we need to be sure to deal with it appropriately or it can get out of control.

I try and give my little guy choices, so that he feels like he does have some control, but it is not like he has complete control. It works for us. I also try and make sure that I am careful not to ask a question. Example: "It is bath time" not "Do you want to take a bath?".

All that said, I still hear a lot of "No's" around here. But we just deal with each one depending on the situation. Honestly, I don't make a huge deal out of every "no"...I definitely choose my battles w/o being ruled by my 2 year old!

Your son is normal. They do that. At this age, and the next age.... you are not alone.
It is developmental based, with this "no" phase.

When my daughter was 2 years old, one of the first words I taught her was "compromise." And she understood.

Since he reacts so strongly with "no"... try teaching him other words, that are the opposite, to that. Positive words. Thereby giving him alternative words/concepts to use... right now, he knows "no"... and so a toddler will use that a lot... it is developmental... and they use whatever words they know. So give him other words too.... and help teach him the words for "feelings" too.... ie: happy, sad, grumpy, frustrated etc. AND teach him how to say it, in a more palatable way... so that he learns, how to express himself... in time, better.... and that you the Mom, will ALSO 'hear' what he is feeling... and understanding him.

Boys, need to learn 'how' to express themselves.... and will get more articulate about it.
Teach him other vocabulary words... not just 'reactive' words... .in time, it will help make the child more articulate...

all the best,
Susan

He will grow out of it. He is just learning that saying NO gives him a sense of control over his actions. Sometimes you just need to outsmart them. When he says NO just don't give him the reaction that he wants and it should go away sooner.

Happy 2! The only way around it that I found was to ask questions that were not Yes/No. If I asked do you want color - No, do you want to build - No etc. etc., but if I asked instead We can build with blocks or color and let her choose then she would pick one and the word No never came up.

It also worked for getting dressed, putting on PJ's, food choices... I think it is all about control - they exert control by saying No - giving them choices lets them be in control, they can pick what they want - and you be in control - you are setting the parameters.

A win for all!

Welcome to the wonderful world of 2! LOL Just keep talking to him, tell him what you want to do in a nice calm voice. There is no perfect answer just keep at it.

R.,

You are not alone. This will pass. As much as you can, ignore him. Wait until he wants something and then say oh, it looks like you would like that- why don't you say please? Etc. If you give no power to his contstant :"no", he will eventually get sick of saying it because you aren't responding anymore to it. Also give him opportunities for yes only questions-- When he is mean as you say, take him to timeout and tell him when he is ready to talk nicely to you, he can come out. I make it all about choice- that way they decide when they are ready to be nice. Or say you can't hear his mean voice anymore- you can only hear him if he speaks with his nice words. Believe me, it works!!! Good luck and hang in there!

Molly

Hi, R.:

As you already know, he is separating himself from you as is the natural thing to do. He must be really wanting his independence from you.

I would say to allow him space to do his wishes. Then come back after awhile and see if what you are asking him to do will work.

What is the issues that you are having the most problems with. What is an example.
Just want to know. D.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!! You are soooo not alone! You my dear friend have entered the NO stage. It will pass, my daughter stop doing it at about 2 1/2. That doesn't mean that they will stop being stubborn, it just means that they will have a bigger vocabulary to tell you no.

I know how frustrating this is but I promise they grow out of it. Our's did it too. I tried to ignore it as much as I could and not let her know it made me angry. Once they learn about choices....let the struggles begin! Next comes the "I don't like that" faze which lasts a while too.

What is his consequence for saying no to you? When you say, "No saying no to Mamma" What do you do if he does it again? Reasoning and trying to make him cooperate won't work unless you enforce what you say. Saying no to you isn't an opinion, it's defying you on purpose because he's two. Being mean should also have a consequence. Effective discipline will stop these behaviors. You're not angry, he's just doing his job, but FIRM consequences after clear warnings will do the trick. Don't give lots of warnings and get fed up first. Take charge. Nip it.