2 Year Old Is Really Pushing My Limits "Terrible Two's" Help!!!

Hi K.,
I read a book called To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl...excellent on discipline issues.
-M.

Hi... I am a mom of a 5 year old. I really remember the 2's and 3's. My son was hard headed and so stong willed that I was seriously considering calling that show " Super Nanny" (have yo heard of it?) Anyway I did decide against it. And just kind of learned to deal with him in a different way. I dont have traditional parenting or disapline skills. But it really worked. When he is doing some thing wrong because of how hard headed he is I cant just "demand" things of him, or just "yell" if you know what I mean. Because he will dig his feet into the ground and it wont do me any good. So I learned to just kind of reason with him. It's kind of hard to expain. But I try really hard not to demand things and try to just reason with him. If i cant elp anymore or you would like anymore details... Please ask!!!

Hi K., it sounds like Alison is in charge, I see it all the time with my daycare parents and their kids. Establish who the parent is and who the child is, and when addressing Alison, don't ask her to do something or not do something, tell her, by asking her you are realy giving her a choice to obey or not obey. Choosing the right discipline for a 2 year old can be hard. start using rewards for good behavior, but make sure you are using a discipline that is consistant. Usually when kids are miss behaving, t's because they can, My husband and I have raised 3 wonderful kids, and they were all different. One more thing, does Alexis baby Alison? especially when you discipline her? if so talk to Alexis, about ways she can help with Alison, As far as tempertantrums goes, I woulf not allow that, some people believe you should ignore it and it will go away, but if there is no discipline the child believes it's OK. I was not big on spanking, but 2 good swats on her butt, will teach her a lesson, at the same time you are not inflicting any real harm to your daughter. J. L.

Well I have 4 daughters and yes it true there is a birth order outcome in kids personalities.
Our oldest is always going to be the Good experience, why well they had your attention 100 percent now the 2 year old is NoT a only child so they act out even more then the norm for "terrible twos".
Now depending on what is driving you crazy I guess you would have to let us know because something that might drive you bonkers will not really be a problem for someone else. Pushing limits is always a test of will and it happens more with girls because they are the more stubborn of the gender, hence us women that are so head strong!
I remember once my friend said her 2 year old kept getting up on the computer chair and trying to mess with it, I asked well what do you do, she always takes him away and says NO!
Well from experience a kid will be less likely to continue the behavior if you let them see exactly all about it and do not make it such a big deal, not interesting anymore so problem solved.
Patience and a little time into this your daughter will learn her limits and you will be happy. But remember the most important thing Remember this time and how you say you feel like she is driving you crazy, because before you know it she will be a teen then she will really know how to drive you crazy will make Terrible twos seem like terrific twos!

Hello...im a married mother of 2 girls also...one is 8 yrs old & the other one is 2 yrs old...well i dont have advice, but it looks like were in the same boat...my 2 yr old has embarrassed me while in public...she throws tantrums...doesnt listen to us too well...so im writing to say, if you recieve any good advice that seems to work well for u, if u can please let me no...im willing to try anything!...thanx!...

I have a 2 1/2 year old and I definitely know what you're talking about! I found that the book "Your Two-Year-Old" by Louise Bates Ames really helped. It's a little dated, but still 99% right on and it doesn't take long to read through--it's a very slim book. I found that it gave me a much more positive perspective and some very helpful common sense solutions. It's not espousing one particular view or another so it's relatively uncontroversial and, like I said, I found it to be incredibly helpful. Good luck!!

Oh my isn't it funny how each child is different! My oldest was a piece of cake. She WANTED to please us and didn't like getting in trouble. Along came number two and WAM! A totally different story. My second was more temperamental as well. What he responded most to was rewards. So we had to have both positive and negative consequences. Of course you can tailor both to your child. Her likes and dislikes. For example: If she listens to what you tell her to do she gets to do something she likes to do either with you, her dad, or by herself (whichever she likes best). If she doesn't the consequence is that she can't watch T.V., has to sit completely still, go to her room, or whatever works best. The tantrums - the worst thing you can do is cave - hang in there, you can do it! If you have to walk away or send her to her room (even by picking her up and setting her there) do it. I've always had the rule that as soon as they were done they could come out (even if it was the second I shut the door) as long as they were done. You'd be amazed how fast they can shut that stuff down! Lol!

I wish there was a magic solution, but consistency and rewarding positive behavior has worked best for my independent stinkers (oh I meant "thinkers"). :o) Good luck!

Hi. So far I've been more reading these in my daily emails but not responding, but I felt like your post could be something I would post at times. My older son is 7 and my younger son is 2 also. I notice that my 2 yr. old, Matthew, is a lot more to handle than my other son Damion was at this age. Does your 2 yr old push buttons with your older one too? Sometimes I get super stressed, but I try to stay calm and take it one day at a time. Luckily, I can leave him at home with dad if I go somewhere where there's not a lot of kids, but for the most part he acts up in a setting where other parents give knowing looks and smile since we go to a lot of playgroup/storytime/kids craft/park type functions during the day and for the most part, he's good around other kids his age (except can really have a meltdown when his older brother opens the door or turns off the TV or gets to the car first, haha). He's just 2, is going to push his limits, and I try to be ready to stand my ground. He's so adorable though, that everytime I look at him I want to kiss him and cuddle him, so that helps. Remind yourself how cute your daughter is and that this stage will pass. That's my best advice. And remember that there's no set, perfect way to parent. As long as we realize that we make mistakes, try new ways, and love on our children as much as we can, I feel it'll all be okay. I do read stories to the kids and try to spend plenty of quality time with them seperately and I have a few "I love you" songs I sing to them with their name put in.

hey i know what you are talking about i am 16 and i have to girls and it is killing me just try to hang in there and eveything will be allright

i have an age gap with my kids too. even more so actually and its amazing how we seem to have blocked out the difficult parts, but you can use that to realize that this too will pass and be forgotten.
that said, not sure exactly what she is doing, my advice would be consistancy consistancy consistancy. they are pushing their boundries and finding their independence. try to pick your battles and praise the good she does. some of the behavior seems to correct itself if you ignore it. my lil one is 3.5 and basicly a good kid, we just got her potty trained and that pushed my limits.

good luck. you are raising one and will survive the 2nd one too!!

Hi, K.,

I agree with most of the advice already given. I wanted to add one thing that I think no one else has mentioned: maintain a sense of humor. My toddler decided to fight me over getting dressed to see my in-laws today. Instead of giving in, yelling at him, physically punishing him, etc., while he was lying down, I just held on to his sock-covered ankle with one hand and put my other hand in the air as if I were riding a mechanical bull. When he was done squirming, I jubilantly yelled, "Eight seconds--a new record!" A humorous response at times helps my husband and me relax and sometimes makes my child smile and laugh, and most importantly, calm down.

I taught teenagers for about a decade and found that of all the possible responses I could make to their bad behavior, a humorous response was often the quickest, easiest and most effective one in getting them to behave courteously--and I'm not naturally comedic.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Before you know it she will be going to college, when my daughter went thru the terrible twos my wife told every body if you looked it up in the dictionary our daughters face would be there and her head would do 360's and green pea soup would come out of her mouth( excercist) .There is a book written by John Clese from monty python and an pediatrician and it list every thing a child goes thru from birth tell their nine years old, every time we thought we were going crazy with the way our daughter was behaving we looked in the book and looked what it said at her age and every time it was right on the money! Sorry I don't remember the name of the book but it's out there, Just remember life is still new to her and all she is doing is learning, so just give her all your love even when you think you are going mad and it will work out just fine, they don't stay small for long so injoy it while you can even the rough stuff, you'll get thru it and so will your daughter! Mike

My daughter had the terrible 3's (2's were great), and we had the same problem where most discipline was not changing the behavior. Without knowing what your daughter is doing, it's hard to give specific suggestions, but what I found was that distraction always worked - change your scenery. If you've been in the house for a while, go outside. Bring her to the bathroom and start running a bath for her - that would always instantly change my daughter's attitude. Talking too much to them about it doesn't do much good because their little brains can only handle so much. Of course tell her what's not ok. Also, whatever the problem is, give her suggestions for a positive way to handle her frustration. Kids act out as a way of communicating because they can't always express what they are feeling verbally. If you want to share more details, I'm sure you'd get lots of great suggestions from moms who have been where you are and know tricks to what might work. For example, if she is hitting, tell her it's not ok to hit people (or animals) but if you're feeling mad, you can hit a pillow (or get her one of those blow up punching bags - that's what we did with my 3 year old). Also, acknowledge what she might be feeling - if she feels "heard" it might be more satisfying and she'll be more likely to listen to the rules, etc. Positive reinforcement works so much better than the scare of getting punished. Hang in there - this phase will pass and the time goes by so quick. And remember each child has a different personality so they act out in different ways so what might work for one might not work for another.

It sounds like your daughter does not want to go shopping with you. Perhaps, you should wait until she is older, after she outgrew her tantrums and then enjoy shopping trips. In the meantime, go to the places your daughter enjoys -- maybe a playground or a park, where she can run wild, do what she pleases, and what a 2 year old is supposed to do to get rid of her energy and excitement. I am quite certain she will only throw a tantrum when you will try to take her back home. As to how to handle tantrums, I found that the old-fashioned and no longer popular advise of Dr. Spock still works the best -- grab the child and remove her to your car or other quite and private place, where she can have her screeming fit. She will stop eventually when she sees you don't respond.

Hi K.: When you have an older child, the 2nd one will usually test your limits. I had the same problem. Because your 8 year old is obviously at a different developmental stage than your 2 year old, your 8 year old has more priveledges, right? Well your 2 year old sees that and wants to do what big sissy is doing. And the reason for her "terrible twos".

I believe you can "reason" with a two year old. What we did was talk about consequenses, good and bad. But focused on the positive first. We made a "I'm a Big Girl" chart (basic, but it works) and after every time she was behaving we told her "good job, for dressing yourself" and she got to put a star on her chart. After 4 stars, she got to pick a "prize" from the Treasure chest. We bought simple things from the 99 cent store and wrapped them up and put them in a drawer.

It made her feel like a big girl like her sister and whenever she started acting up, I would lovingly reminder her "Oh, I know you can get a big girl star, if you try", or whatever works, but don't bring in the negative like, "your being bad and you can't get a star". Encourage her that you know she can get another star and what a good job she is doing. Catch her being good and compliment her on that. Get your older daughter involved too!

I hope this helps!

My best, and good luck! You will get through this, everyone does! Work your magic Mom, I know you can!
L.

This is too vague a request to give any meaningful answers - what is different, what is happening?
What do you do in response. How is the approach not working?

Parenting without punishment raises great kids. When we attend to the needs driving children's behavior and set limits with empathy, we're not only guiding immediate behavior, but also nurturing long-term emotional intelligence. So we're raising children who are more able to manage their own emotions, and therefore their behavior. There's no denying that punishment gets immediate compliance. When humans are threatened with force, they usually comply, right? And even a timeout is a threat of force, because if the child won’t go into timeout, you do have to use force to get them there. Which is one of the problems with punishment -- we have to keep escalating our use of force. Of course, we'd all like our children to just straighten up and do what they’re told. But even adults have a hard time with that. These are kids; their brains are still developing. (In fact, the way we respond to their behavior actually shapes their brain development -- do we help them learn to calm or to escalate crises?) It's a big job for kids of all ages to learn to manage the emotions driving their behavior.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=1886...

1. Sidestep power struggles. You don't have to prove you're right. Your child is trying to assert that he is a real person, with some real power in the world. That's totally appropriate. Let him say no whenever you can do so without compromise to safety, health, or other peoples' rights.

2. Since most tantrums happen when kids are hungry or tired, think ahead. Preemptive feeding and napping, firm bedtimes, enforced rests, cozy times, peaceful quiet time without media stimulation -- whatever it takes -- prevent most tantrums, and reground kids who are getting whiny. Learn to just say no -- to yourself! Don't squeeze in that last errand. Don't drag a hungry or tired kid to the store. Make do or do it tomorrow.

3. Make sure your child has a full reservoir of your love and attention. Kids who feel needy are more likely to tantrum. If you've been separated all day, make sure you reconnect before you try to shop for dinner.

4. Try to handle tantrums so they don’t escalate. It's amazing how acknowledging your child's anger can stop a brewing tantrum in its tracks. Before you set a limit, acknowledge what he wants. "You wish you could have more juice, you love that juice, right?" (Look, you've already got him nodding yes!) Then set the limit: "But you need to eat some eggs, too. We'll have more juice later." (As you move his cup out of sight.) If he responds with his anger, acknowledge it: "That makes you so mad. You really want the juice."

With toddlers, keep the number of words you use pared down:

"You are so mad!"
"We don't hit."

5. When your child gets angry, remember that all anger is a defense against more uncomfortable feelings -- vulnerability, fear, hurt, grief. If you can get him to go back to those underlying feelings, his anger will dissipate. "You want that. You are mad and sad." or "You're mad at Mommy because you don't want me to leave. When I leave you miss me." Usually at this point your child will cry, and you can hold him while he experiences his sadness. After you've helped them get past their anger and discharge their sad feelings, kids usually need to snuggle a bit.

6. If your kid does launch into a tantrum despite your best preventive efforts, remember not to sever the connection. Stay nearby, even if he won't let you touch him. He needs to know you're there, and still love him. Be calm and reassuring. Don’t try to reason with him.

Think about what you feel like when you’re swept with exhaustion, rage and hopelessness. If you do lose it, you want someone else there holding things together, reassuring you and helping you get yourself under control.

He also needs to know that as soon as he's ready, you'll help him recollect himself. Afterwards, make up. Take some “cozy time” together.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=1276804&a...
After the tantrum:
First, make sure that your child gets enough “cozy time” with you that he doesn’t have to tantrum to get it.

Second, don't give in to the original demand that prompted the tantrum. Kids need to be reminded when a tantrum is brewing that if they have a tantrum you aren't allowed to even consider their request. Unless they are really at the end of their rope, this message usually helps them pull it together enough for you to address the situation (i.e., “I guess we can’t do a big shop today. We’ll just get the milk and bread and go home. And here’s a cheese stick to eat while we wait in line.”
http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=1934759&a...
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When my older daughter was two and three she was a terror. We tried everything. She totally embarassed me everywhere we went and threw daily tantrums. We stayed steady with firm but loving discipline, and she grandually transformed into a wonderful child. She is sixteen now and I couldn't ask for a better daughter. We tease her with stories of how she acted when she was little. There were many times we went out to eat and had to take our food home in to-go boxes because I was outside trying to get her calmed down and she was acting too awful to bring back into the restaurant. Hang in there--just because she is acting awful right now doesn't mean she won't be a wonderful person. I still remember some of the awful things Katie did. Shudder!! Hang in there. Lots of us will be thinking of you.

my son just turned 2 last week...what i do is hug it out..there's even a book on it but i haven't read it...i just squat down..talk to my son and hug him..doesn't lead to him flipping out just to get hugs...always calms him right now.

I also have a 2 year old and this is my third child. She likes to push our buttons by telling us "no" and making this mean face at us. We have tried everything also but what is really working for me right now is just ignoring her. She does these things to get attention and she is testing what kind of attention gets her what. If Abby, my two year old, has a problem with what we ask her to do she troughs a tantrum and cry's. We just ignore her and make her go to her room. (Kind of a time out) We tell her she can come out when she stops crying and she is now stopping her crying and coming to us and apologizing. She is now learning what is wrong and what is right. When we are out in public we have a "Bathroom Rule". If she acts up someone takes her to the bathroom and lets her do her crying or fussing or so forth. When she is done she feels better, we dont feel so embarrassed. We then go about telling her what she did wrong and asking her to apologize. This has worked with all three of our children. I hope this helps!

K.,
Good for you for asking for help! Many moms just writhe in pain inwardly! I found good words of encouragement here:
http://www.gomommygo.com/obey_plan.html#terribletwos
and great advice on almost anything here:
http://www.family.org/parenting/Discipline/
None of us can do it alone, and I am sure you will find a way!
Best,
R.

It's called growing and manipulation.
You are the parent, not her friend. Be firm and don't give in in any way otherwise she will be taking control. It's not fun, but parenting isn't meant to be fun; it's about raising confident, well-behaved citizens.

Perhaps she needs more of your attention that's constructive (not shopping) like reading, singing together, reciting poems, writing, drawing, etc. What you put into your daughter you will receive 100-fold, really.
good luck

It is her job to push but your job not to budge. She is supposed to push your limits, she is testing the waters. This is how she learns how to trust (with consistent rules). Be consistent and she will eventually adapt. If you give in ONCE, you have lost the battle and she will push, and push and push. Children are very different, you are lucky you didn't have this with your first. I actually didn't have the terrible two's but the awful threes!

Hang in there sweetie,
When my three boys were at that age I always carried an extra bag full of coloring books, toys which weren't too messy, and other things to keep them busy. I loved to shop and they didn't. I would whip out something from the bag and they were quiet, until they got bored again of coarse. A happy baby makes a happy mommy.
Good Luck

Okay, it's funny that I'm responding because I'm not too far out of this stage myself. Just weeks ago I was beside myself for the same reasons! However, as miraculously as this naughty behavior appeared, so has it's disappearance. This stage has reminded me that everything in parenthood is a phase. My son, just over two, not only pushed my limits, but stopped napping at the same time (I'm sure the two things go hand-in-hand). This stage is so hard for kids; they're wanting to be independent, yet they still need help. I feel that it's tougher at 2 than at 2 and a half, because at 2, they still don't understand the reasoning tactics we use. I had to be firm with time-outs (even when they didn't seem to work), and be prepared to leave any situation when he misbehaved (like the park, play-dates and even the grocery store). It was a huge punishment for me, and not a time I look back fondly upon, but in hindsight, it really was only for about 3 months. I too have an older daughter, and I don't remember it being this hard. Two bits of lifesaving advice given to me:
1. Every time you get angry, it is due to unmet expectations. In order to stop being angry/frustrated, you need to either change your expectations or meet them. It helped me when he stopped napping...I changed my expectation to thinking that he won't be napping, and I tried to think of all the positives (huh?!) that might come with that (more night sleep, more time together - less stress in the day, not needing to be home, etc).

2. Every time we get "at our wits end," our children feel it, see it, and respond to it. Two wrongs don't make a right (getting upset over naughty behavior). As HARD as it is, try remaining SUPER calm. Speak in a whisper, or tell your daughter, "I can't hear you when you talk like that" (if she's screaming or whining), and literally, don't respond if she's not communicating in an acceptable way. You'll retrain the way she speaks, because she WANTS to be heard.
Good luck. This too shall pass!!!

All kids go through this type of behavior. My concern is the boyfriend. I am not sure what happened to Dad, but this could be part of the problem. No matter how wonderful you think Alan might be, your kids should be your number one concern. It might be better to carry on your new relationship without involving your kids. They need to feel they are your top priority not your love life. There will be plenty of time for that when they are old enough to understand. Kids have a lot of changes to go through as it is. The last thing they need to worry about it mom not being there for them.

I have a 3 year old, a 4 year old and an 8 month old. The 3 year old seems to be the one pushing the buttons. Here's some questions for you. What does she do that pushes your buttons? What have you tried? How busy are you?

If it's something you tell them not to touch or play with...the best thing to do is remove them from the object or distract and give them something else to do that is more appropriate for them to play with.

They also tend to react more when they see frustration. It is important to remain calm and conscientious of how you are acting around them. This is the time they learn and imitate what you do.

It's also important to be consisent, but at the same time gentle.

You can also try to explain (as simple as you can) why you don't want her to act like that or why she needs to stop what she's doing. Send her on a time out (1 minute per year, so 2 yr old = 2 minute time out) this will give her a chance to think about what she did. When she's done with time out, you can talk to her calmly explain, and then give her something to do.

It also works to tell her that her actions make you sad (instead of upset) this worked with my daughter the most. She would stop whatever she did that I didn't like cos it didn't make me happy. And she wanted me to be happy. And then give her something to do....or better yet, play with her. There is a lot of arts and crafts for 2 year olds to do at target/toys r us...books, coloring, play dough...find something that you both will enjoy together.

It is also important that when she does what you say that you give her praises. And you could reinforce that you approve of her good actions by saying something like,"I really like it when you listen." and or "wow, you're playing nicely" or comment on whatever she's doing that's appropriate. I'm sure she's not testing your limits just to be bad. It's just a very curious stage. THey want to get into everything and learn about everything.

It's gonna be tough!!! Good luck.

I've used the book (also comes with a DVD) "The happiest toddler on the block" to help me through my son's 1.5-3 years. The author explains a lot of what is going through our toddler's brains and the different stages of development they are at. HTH

J.

That is completely normal,the way your 2 year old is acting, And to be honest maybe you are spoiling the child , and I say this only because that is what I am going through right now. My child will be 4 in a few days and I also have 2 older boys, ages 14 and 17 and they never acted up at all but this baby is sooo different. the only thing I can say is they just have to pass this phase and then it starts to get better. Trust me, i know its difficult but just hang in there okay??? Let me know how it goes. From, C. in Palmdale, Ca

I know exactly what you're going through. My little girl also just turned two and she's hit it hard. Just this morning I asked her to come upstairs about five times to do morning chores with her older brother (they usually help me fold a load of laundry, put it away and make their beds with my help). I went downstairs and found her with the lid to the liquid soap off and bubbles everywhere with the sink on. I told her she needed to come upstairs for chores-and as usual, she said no a few times. So I gave her one warning, "If you say no one more time, you will sit on the naughty spot."
"No!" She replied instantly.
So, I took her upstairs to where her brother was helping me, and sat her down on the spot I chose, bent down to her level and said, "You are on the naughty spot because you're not listening to Mommy and you keep saying no."
After two minutes, I once again bent to her eye level and asked, "Do you know why you're on the naughty spot?" She was still in a really defiant mood and said "No" in a way that was more like "leave me alone".
I repeated the reason why, then said, are you ready to listen when I call and say 'yes Mom'?
"No"
"Okay, when you're ready to listen, you can get off the naughty spot." I started to leave and she started to whine a little. So I cued her in, "Say "yes Mom" then come help with chores."
She reluctantly said "Yes, Mom".
I promptly gave her a big squeeze, a kiss and followed up with lots of praise and encouragement. "Good girl, thank you...I love you so much!"
She then cooperated and was cheerful as she helped put Daddy's socks in the shelf and her pajamas in the drawer.
She's always much more well behaved after I've given her those bounds consistently.
This technique I got from Super Nanny. But it's most important to include all the steps.
It works every time, and my kids are very well behaved most of the time, even in public places like grocery stores (I just expect it to take much longer than when I'm without them).
Kids need boundaries. It helps them to feel like their environment is secure and consistent, and that gives them confidence.
So if you'd like to, go check out some of Super Nanny's episodes. I learn tons from her and look forward to application as my kids grow and we are faced with new challenges.
I include both my little ones when going grocery shopping. And my little girl does throw tantrums occasionally... usually when she's tired or hungry. I ignore it, waiting patiently until she's done, then ask her what she would like (to get down, to help, to push the cart)...and prompt her to ask nicely for it, always giving her a few choices because then she thinks she's in control. I have both help get groceries allowing them to choose out of different brands, and sometimes just something they would like to choose.
But, that's what's nice about the naughty spot. You can use it any time anywhere...I haven't hesitated to sit her on the side of an aisle for a couple minutes until she's ready to cooperate. And when she's throwing a fit, and I can't reason with her by giving her choices because she doesn't know what she wants, then I just wait until she's done, ignoring the behavior. Tantrums are a big part of two year old's development. It's how you handle them that will either encourage it, or show them a different way.
Good luck.
R. (soon to be mother of three and older sibling of nine).