Hi Moms,
This is the first time I have asked for help and I sure do need your advice. I have a 2 year old daughter that has always been a bit challenging in the sense that she has always wanted her independence. Some call her "strong-willed" or "independent spirit"... my husband calls her "colorful".
She has begun back talking to us when she doesn't get what she wants. She'll whine and then you can see something in her changes and she looks at us and says, "No! Mom/Dad, you stop it!" She will even say this to us at night when no one is in the room with her! Or she'll even pretend to talk to one of her cousins when they aren't even around... telling them to stop it. Like she is remembering something that happened.
I am already envisioning tough teenage years!
She also has the most trouble when other children are around. She has learned the word "mine" and everything is "hers". She has a hard time sharing her toys and other kids toys. She will resort to hitting and grabbing toys away from them. Occasionally we have bright spots of sharing and we lavish her with praises for her good behavior... However, I have to stay on top of her to redirect her and referee every second. Other parents let their kids go play and referee on occasion... not me. I'm exhausted.
We have worked really hard at teaching her the "nice" way to talk to people, saying please Mommy, may I have... etc. I have taught her how to change her tone from whining to speaking correctly. She knows the difference.
I think that she gets frustrated very easily and it almost seems like she gets overloaded when there are other kids around.
We have another child... our 8 month son, and her behavior with him is much more positive. She likes to show him things and she'll tell him to watch her do something like a somersault or something... but when he uses something that is hers, she gets upset and says, Mine. But for the most part she is more easily able to share with him... for now.
Is this just 2 year old behavior that I need to hang in there and she'll outgrow it? We do time outs primarily, and then after the time out is finished, we talk for a minute about why she was put there and end it with an I'm sorry and a hug.
I don't know what else to do. My mother-in-law seems to think that she'd have the behavior "fixed" if she were the parent. This is very frustrating to hear. My husband and I told her that we'd gladly take the challenge because we are tired.
If any of you have been through a similar situation, I sure could use some encouraging words.
Thanks Moms!
Thanks Moms, for all your input. I appreciate each of you taking time out of your busy lives to give advice to a stranger. I am very thankful to have an avenue like this to share encouragement.
It is definitely hard to convey everything in just a few paragraphs about my 2 year old. She is an amazing little girl and although she is a challenge, we are trying to be as consistent and as positive as possible... and the encouragement from most of you tells me to just keep on keeping on. Thanks for that!
I think that I thought we were doing alright until the few comments in the past month that my MIL has made (she raised 6 kids, btw) so... sometimes I value her advice. This time... I will tune her out. I think she is caught up in comparing my daughter to the other 3 granddaughters who are close in age... My daughter is always the most aggressive when they are together... so my daughter always stands out as the troublemaker... and that is tough. I referee to make sure that she doesn't always get blamed when she isn't even the guilty one... I try to be her advocate and be fair...
Anyway, I did go out today and borrow some books that some of you suggested from my local library and I found a few other interesting ones about allergies and I think I am going to test some of those ideas as well.
Thanks Moms... I wish all the best to each of you and your families.
do less writing and more reading. These are VERY common behaviors for a 2 y.o. and you will find help almost anywhere you look up these issues. Online, books, magazines or call a children's therapist for a one session coaching lesson.
Your daughter sounds bright and imaginative, and possibly more sensitive and spirited than most. There are lots of helpful websites and books about sensitive and spirited children – I hope you'll read a few so you start building a toolbox of useful techniques. There's also a terrific book that will help you find ways to offer your daughter more specific appreciation, and kids really do respond to positive feedback. Read a sample of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....
It's very possible she gets overstimulated around other kids. This checklist may help you determine whether she has sensory integration issues that make her experience more challenging than average: http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-proces...
Your MIL may have good tips, or not. You could politely ask her what specific approach she might use for some specific problems, then thank her for her advice. Whether or not you apply the advice is up to you, but maybe she'll stop pushing her opinions so hard if she thinks you've actually listened to them.
I have been coming to the gradual conclusion that time-outs only work for some kids, and are usually most helpful when used as an opportunity for a child to deal with overload or get her emotions under better control.
I think it's fine to talk over misbehavior, but worry that if we demand an apology when a child is NOT sorry, we teach polite insincerity, at best, or that a child should disregard her feelings, at worst. And of course there's a possibility that an apology might simply buy the child what she wants, like the freedom to go back to her play. My 4yo grandson will come and apologize hours or DAYS after an incident. It's amazing, but he does continue processing an event, and finally reach the conclusion that he is sorry.
You'll get lots of good suggestions. Two of my most successful approaches are to look for positive observations I can make about behavior I appreciate, and to really listen to the child's issues (and that often works best if you bring it up before the issue arises). I love the techniques outlined in the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (You can read part of this practical guide to communicating with kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...)
One other thought is that she may have other sensitivities/allergies that make her physically or mentally uncomfortable and hard to please. She might be sending out signals for help but have no real idea why, if she's just always at odds with her own body.
I have severe chemical sensitivities, and get both physical and emotional symptoms to exposures to perfumed toiletries, home cleaning products, fabric softeners and air "fresheners." In group testing situations, I have watched children go from contentedly coloring to bouncing off walls, screaming, crying, or being impossibly stubborn. It would be worth checking out if nothing else works. You can try sealing all suspicious products in plastic bags and using baking soda or vinegar for most cleaning for the next 2-3 weeks, and watch for any improvements in your son. If reintroducing the products (many of which are toxic, anyway) back into the home then results in worse behavior, you'll have a possible solution to work on.
It sounds like usual 2 year old issues, maybe more intense because of her personality. I think it is encouraging that she is pretty good with her brother. My son is 4 and was doing okay at sharing for a 2 year old until we brought the new baby home just before he turned 3. Now he is more possessive with his sister and will grab toys from her. I told him if she has his toy he can take it back nicely by trading for another toy she can use. If you have other kids over it might help to have her put away her favorites that she doesn't want to share. Sometimes it helps to have several same or similar of the same toy. My son did a lot of practice sharing with sand toys at the park. He has enough pails and shovels for about 3-4 kids to use and usually other children will come up to play. This gave many opportunities for him to share some toys. I also prompted him on how to ask nicely for something back or suggest trading a similar toy for the one he wanted to use.
I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I have a 9 month old and a 2 year and 9month old. My oldest acted up alot when we brought the baby home, but things calmed down considerably when the baby turned 3 months or so. Now the bad behavior is back and I think it is because the baby can now crawl and is cruising and will come over to wherever we are playing and want attention just like his big brother. Now that the little one is being more 'in the mix' we are seeing more lashing out from his older brother.
You didn't mention if your little one had just made a major developmental shift like crawling or talking, but when you mentioned that he was 8 months, that was exactly what I thought of since we are going through the same thing!
I think we have to stay positive and consistent with discipline. Too much discipline just makes the behavior worse for us, almost like we remind him to act bad by talking about it so much. And hopefully our toddlers will acclimate to this new involvement of a sibling, and behavior will go back to manageable.
Thanks!
C.
The good news is that your daughter sounds like a wonderful little girl, just trying to learn how to deal with emotions.
If she's caring and gentle with her younger brother, that's great success.
Of course she is in that "mine ,mine mine... I don't wanna share phase"
You are already teaching the right manners over and over and over.. she learns by example. She can't verbally express her feelings at this age, so acting out is all she's got to work with...
You just have to keep doing it... You show her how to behave with all of these emotions..... and she'll learn it..
It sounds like you have seen improvements. keep it up! It's is a process....
My daughter is 2 also, and when she started with "mine" telling her to "share" did not help, I switched to "take turns" and that worked a lot better. I think "take turns" worked better than "share" because to her she knows she will get it back. I also try to always emphasize to her that what ever the object is, it is and always will be hers and that she will get it back. Part of her problem was that she was afraid once someone else had it, it would not be hers anymore.
Also - ignore your MIL. Your daughter does not need to fixed - she isn't broken. She is a typical 2 year old who is LEARNING. Learning is not something you can short cut. There is a big difference between forcing a child to behave a certain way and teaching them what is right. Teaching takes time and patience (sometimes a lot :) ) but as they grow they have something to apply to further life lessons. Forcing behavior without the understanding does not let them build on what they have learned.
Good luck!
Jennie,
She's two. She is still learning. Every time she has a growth spurt, or teethes, she is going to be focusing on pain, not on your 'lessons'.
Attachment parenting.org is a site where you can find out a lot more about gentler, kinder and more satisfying results to 'allaying and alleviating' this behavior and many others.
There's a lot to be said for gathering more flies with honey than vinegar.
I am working on the 'mine' situation with my son. He is not ready to share. He's 2.75 years old. He hasn't 'learned' that yet. I haven't even really tried to teach him, after what _I_ have learned.
I have taught him that if it is a LIBRARY toy, it is something he needs to remember. It doesn't go home with him, and if he has more than he can successfully maneuver (I really explain this out for him on HIS level), then he needs to give something up to another child who wishes to play.
One big problem I run into when it comes to 'discipline' and 'punishment' is that neither is correct for a child of this age. Teaching moments are everywhere. Use them, so your child DOESN'T become that teenager you are envisioning.
I have a lot more info/ideas, etc. Anyone can email me. I just don't have a lot of time at 0530 in the AM before my son wakes and decides it is time to play, when he really needs his rest after being sick yesterday. (which is really hard because he was his usual sunshiny self during most of it all, and hard to remember he's 'under the weather').
Good luck,
M.
PS: There are a lot of parenting books out there. Some are for the parent's comfort. Some are for the child's learning through the parents. Most parents who take the time to teach their child have children who grow up to be responsible, etc.
You are Your Child's First Teacher - Rahima Baldwin (Dancy sp?)
Hi J.,
First, please don't let what your MIL says frustrate or bother you. It's always easy for people to give their input and say what they would do when they aren't doing it 24/7!
That said, your daughter sounds a lot like mine. "Colorful" - I like that! Every 2 year is different but around that age they start to get possessive of their belongings and especially if she has a little brother that might want to play with them. Sibling rivalry is going to happen once in awhile, it's natural!
It's sounds like you are doing a great job! Staying consistent with her is the best thing you can do and make sure you and your husband are handle discipline in mostly the same manner so she doesn't get mixed info.
As for it being worse around more kids...it could be that she is so excited to have multiple playmates and wants to play with everyone and everything available. Has she been around kids often or is this still an adjustment for her?
Hang in there! Kids this age want to test their parents. They are trying to take control of their lives and need to now where the boundaries are. She will get through this stage and move into another stage (might be a fun, loving one or another challenging one)!
Remember kids are sponges soaking up everything around them, so stay positive and consistent, show her patience and when all else fails try to have a sense of humor!
Hope this helps!
Hi there. Yes, a 2 year old can be soooooo challenging. I HIGHLY recommend the book The Happiest Toddler on the Block. It was a lifesaver for us. I bought it at Target, but you can probably get it from your library too.
Good luck - and remember, almost everything with kids is a phase.
~G.
She sounds like a normal independent 2 year old to me. Yes its normal but that doesnt mean you have to suffer through it. You need to civilize her. LOL She needs to learn to talk nice and have boundaries and share. BUT 2's really dont understand the concept of sharing. They havent figured out that they will get the toy back. Also I am sure you have told her not to touch whatever because it is YOURS. So she is possessive over HER things. She needs to learn to ask for another child's toy and not grab or hit. Show her how to offer one of her toys for one of theirs. If she grabs or hits make her sit on the bench and then explain. It seems like all you are doing is time outs, but she will learn. That is until she is 13 and then the bad mouth starts all over again. But they are wonderful, so keep smiling.
Hi J., Sounds like you are a great mom and I can understand your exhaustion. Yes it is true, she has a strong personality (by the way you describe her) another child may not be as difficult. I have 5, each with their own personality. I would say, keep on doing what you are doing. Let her know what is acceptable, referee when you must. This is a stage (terrible two) and it should pass. It is good that she is OK with her brother, shows her better side. Try not to listen to others, they do not have your child. Hang in there mommy, Grandma Mary
