2 1/2 Year Old Son "Can't" Fall Asleep on His Own ...

My son had a rough time too; in the beginning and it does break a mom's heart!

Every night, I work my son's feet and rub his tummy (and that's one great advantage to being a therapist... I know all the great places to calm him down!). He still tends to wake up at night, but luckily this has finally improved.

I also dim the lights, take him from the TV and begin a "shut down" process just before bedtime so he is not so wound up for when it is time to sleep... We also are done with naps and as soon as this was given up; he barely kept his eyes open for his bedtime story! :)

Play with a few things to see what works.

Read Healthy Sleep habits, happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. It is a life saver. You will be very happy with it, I promise.

The most important point I took away from the book is that 'sleep begets sleep' so shortening his nap is not going to help, it might actually cause more problems. Keep the nap, bump the bedtime earlier and practice the 'graduated extinction' method. It should only take a week or two, maybe not even that long.

Good luck!
J.

Have you tried a best buddy? Maybe you can try getting him a stuffed animal or some type of toy that you can start off by putting it in the bed with too when you lay dowm with him, and eventually he will feel comfortable with it enough that he will sleep with it without you. Having something or someone near him at night probably gives him a sense of peace and comfort.

Dear T.,

Hang in there. This is a really rough time. We've been down a similar path and can finally see some progress.

You may already know that children with sensory processing issues very commonly have sleep difficulties and irregular circadian rhythms (and profound language abilities).

They also tend to take longer to regulate bodily functions and everything takes lots more time and patience. It's not in your head! This parenting is really challenging!!

And remember that your son probably is as frustrated in living in his body as you are having to parent him. A little empathy can go a long way.

There are several books (like we have time to read!) that offer practical tips in dealing with daily struggles and provide needed support and assurance to sleep-deprived frustrated parents:

The Sensory-Sensitive Child: Practical Solutions for Out-of-Bounds Behavior by Karen A. Smith and Karen R. Gouze

Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues by Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske

The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder, Revised Edition by Carol Stock Kranowitz and Lucy Jane Miller

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene

My best advice would be to find a caring, competent, skilled Occupational Therapist to help your son actually help to "re-wire" and feel better. Occupational Therapy is one of the key strategies to improving quality of life for everyone in this situation.

We had to search around the state (MI) to find this type of OT, but I highly recommend them. See more at http://www.thecenterforcd.com/

They've got all sorts of help under one roof (occupational therapy, nutrition, family therapists, ect.) and are accustomed to dealing with sleep issues and can make great referrals.

A good pediatric sleep specialist who understands the unique make-up of sensory-challenged kids could also be a great support to you. There are some tricks to regulating sleep with various light therapies, natural supplements, etc....

Many "experts" really don't have a decent background in this area so you might have to search for a while.

You can also check out referrals for help at http://www.spdfoundation.net/.

Hugs to you

I went thru this with my daughter and we just got further away over time. She cuddles with me with we read, then I tuck her in and I would lay on the floor. Some days I would say I had to go the the bathroom and would be right back. Over time it just became that I would tuck her in and leave, but it was a gradual process (took about 3 months). We started when she was 2 so she was a little younger, but I was 7 months pg and had to get it done before I had the second one. Good luck. I could never let her cry it out either.

Here is my advice. First, I disagree with the Mom's who want to shorten or eliminate his nap. My 4 year old still needs his nap.

Second, let him keep the pacifer for now and hold off on the potty training until he is sleeping alone. He is actually still young for potty training anyway.

Third, start telling him, Mommy will read you a book and cuddle for 15 minutes (or shorter) and then you need to sleep in your bed like a big boy. Try setting a timer. I still use this (w/o the timer now) with my 4 year old. He is a great sleeper and I used to fall asleep with him, just like you. And even though he is 4 and I have a 7 mos old too, we still like our cuddle time.

HI T.
I know how you feel. I'd also shorten the nap time to see how it works w/ bed time. It worked for us. My 5 yo doesn't fall asleep on her own. There little such a short time. And mine too will cry till she's sick. We worked it out, starting her off in her bed. Got a twin bed so we can get off the floor too. And make room for her in our big bed. I'd thought about moving her bed into our room. But it's so small already. I've read that being here for our kids now, helps them be more independent later. You could make a card borad bed time book, like a little scrap book. Have pictures of animals, family and where they sleep. Showing the child in there own bed looking happy & sleepy.
Good Luck, A. H

I would try the sneak away approach, some people say it take 2 or 3 nights. THey obvoiusly have perfect children. With my child it took 13 weeks but it worked you just have to be very stringent and not give in. You put your son to bed, don't lay next to him but stay close by in the room, very still very quiet and do not make direct eye contact. It will comfort him to know you are there. Each night move closer and closer to the door, you may even have to sit in the hallway and slowly close his door a little each night baby steps. but when you feel he is ready try just walking right out of the room if he begins to fuss sit down where you are so he can see you and eventually you'll be able to leave. Hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.

T. ~
I rocked my son until he was about 2 yrs old - naps and at night, and if he woke up in the middle of the night. I loved it, but I knew he couldn't be rocked forever, so I sort of weaned him off of it. I would hold him for a few minutes while he relaxed, then lay him on the couch next to me until he fell asleep, then I would carry him in to bed. After awhile I was able to put him in bed and stay near him for a little bit, then leave the room. At the time we were in a very small 1 bedroom apartment and he knew I was just in the next room. When he turned 3 he got his first tape recorder. He loved listening to the children's tapes already - he would listen to them in the car alot, so I incorporated the music into his night time routine. Brush his teeth, read a book, prayers, then bed with his music on very low. He would sometimes come into my room in the middle of the night, but most nights he was just fine.
good luck!
D.

Hi the only thing I can think of is to introduce a lovey... a stuffed animal or blanket. Then bring it to bed with you making sure the lovey is included and after a few days move to the end of the bed... then to a chair... then move the chair closer to the door... then closer until your outside the door.

Good Luck I can't really imagine, my kids only cried.
God Bless
K. SAHM of 3

Hi T., my almost 6 yr old daughter went through something similar to this. She was very sick as a baby with RSV then several ear infections and the only way to get her to sleep was either rocking her and/or letting her sleep with me, also relocating my hubby to the couch. (We didn't mind though since she was our only child at the time and we wanted to make sure she was comfortable.) Well, after she had ear-tube placement surgery and life got easier for her, she still needed to be rocked to sleep and refused to sleep in her own bed. (By this point my hubby was tired of the couch :-)
She also cried so hard she puked, and one night fell asleep standing up :-( I did a gradual transition. I'd talk sleeping in her own bed up and explain to her how important it was to sleep in her own "special" bed and then would stay in the room with her, holding her hand until she was asleep, then after a few days I'd move a little farther away until gradually I'd stand at the door for about 3-5 min and she'd be fine. It may take a while but if you stick to your guns, your son will get it. We now have a 15 month old little girl and I have kept her in her own bed from the get-go and she STILL prefers to be in Mommy & Daddy's bed if she can manage it :-) Good luck...it eventually all works out and you'll look back and say, "remember when" :-) Enjoy every second now, it goes by SOO fast!

Hi T.,
I would start very slowly. I would first try and get something to replace him playing with your ear and hair. Maybe a silky blanket or stuffed animal. If he could fall asleep playing with something else I think that would be half your battle. Once you find something lay by him like you do but don't let him play with you have him play with his new animal or blanket. Both of my boys have a blanket that they need to go to sleep. After he is comfortable with that I would get a timer and set the timer for whatever time you want to sit with him. After the timer goes off, if he is not asleep, give him hugs and kisses and off you go. I understand not wanting him to cry and hopefully if you go slow enough he'll know what is coming he won't cry. We did this with my older son when he was about 3. He would always want to rock "for just another minute". We started timing and he understood when the timer went off it was bedtime.
I read the some of the other moms comments and maybe he is taking to long of a nap. Kids are all different, my oldest stopped taking naps at about 2 and a half but my youngest def. still needs one. Although I don't let him sleep longer than 2 hours otherwise he's up to late. If you're into reading the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child" is a good book. It helped me a lot with my kids. Good luck.
Chris

You sound like a very attentive, loving mom! Your son has had alot of issues that most 2 1/2 year olds don't have. He is still a baby and just wants his mom. I think you are doing all the right things...having a relaxing routine before bed and being patient with him. None of my three girls ever wanted to go to bed alone. There is a 3 year space between the first two and 21 months between number 2 & 3. I had 2 in diapers. Whew!
They all went to bed at the same time. We had a bath, brushed teeth, read books and then I sat with them until they were settled. After the youngest was about 18 months I had them all in one double bed...I put them across the long way. They were like kittens sleeping. They loved being with eachother and pretty soon I didn't have to sit with them too long and then not at all. They didn't always stay in bed, many nights they would land in our bed, which was a King size on the floor...they would come in one at a time, find a spot and go back to sleep.
Potty training, losing his paci AND a new sibling could send him right over the edge. You will be bald if you do all that at once. Look at it this way...he won't take his paci to school with him, he will potty train when HE is ready and being the "big brother" could inspire him to do "big boy" things...like go to bed, pee in the potty and give up the paci. If you try to potty train just because you are ready, you are in for a LONG training time. Plus, I understand that boys sometimes train later than girls anyway. My first two were both trained about 3 months before their 3rd birthday, #3 was 3 1/2. When she was finally ready, it took ONE DAY.
Just love on him...they are little for such a short time! Mine are 29, 26 and 24 and we have 2 grandchildren. All these challenges make for wonderful memories you will giggle about later.

I would see a counciler who specialized with kids and have experience with children with special needs. I am a teacher of EI kids and I know there are different ways to calm each kid. Your son sounds amazing, and you don't want to break his spirit with something that should be routine as bedtime. Good luck with it. :-)

First... wow! What a little trooper. He has been through alot!

Second, go slow. I would not try to take away the paci AND remove yourself from the sleep routine. I would start talking to him about trying to go to sleep on his own. You could start just calmly discussing it while he is in the bath. Children tend to respond fairly well when we tell them ahead of time what to expect. And, as has already been suggested replace yourself with a lovey.

I would do it in stages. Talk about trying to go to sleep on his own and that is how 'big boys' sleep. Introduce a lovey, with you still there, and encourage him to play with the lovey. Maybe sit a little further away from the bed so he can't reach you. But be there, and be close enough you can pat his head, or belly or something so he can still feel you if needed. I would do that for a few days ... get him used to playing with the lovey. Then start moving farther and farther away. Maybe eventually sitting in a chair across the room and if needed speak to him in a calming soothing voice. Eventually just removing yourself from the room completely.

I think this is going to take some time.

The other thing you COULD try would be to have daddy put him to bed. You might try that after the lovey has been introduced. When I was trying to wean my daughter from middle of the night feedings (which she didn't need and really wasn't even eating, just using me as a paci) I had my husband get up with her in the night and soothe her back to sleep. She instictively knew he didn't have a breast to suckle. Obviously your son is older and is more 'aware' of things. So, I think I would wait on this technique until the lovey is well established.

The other thing I want to say is, why is it necessary to take away the paci at bedtime? All the information I have found says that it doesn't do any harm (to their teeth) if they give it up before their adult teeth come in...which is around 7 years old. It just seems like this little guy has a lot going on in his life and needs something soothing and familiar for awhile longer.

I'm also wondering if you have him tested for heavy metal toxicity. Heavy metals in the system can really wreak havoc on children and cause all sorts of problems. I'm assuming since he is allergic to milk he doesn't get any dairy of any kind. (as most dairy will have caesin which is a big allergen) But have you also considered going gluten free? Many kids are coming up with gluten allergies that can cause a host of nasties including respiratory issues.

I hope you can find a routine that works for everyone.

Sounds like you all have been through a lot. I would say that you should try and get him really, really worn out in the evening (right after dinner, so he has time to wind down about an hour before bed). Maybe even shorten or do away with his afternoon nap, since he takes so long to fall asleep at night. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and she only naps about half the time. On the days she doesn't nap, she goes to bed at night a little earlier (half hour to an hour) and sleeps pretty well. If you staying in his room while he goes to sleep works for you, then great, but it must drive you crazy for it to take that long. Hopefully you can get in a routine without a nap and he'll adjust, although those first couple of days of change are rough.
Good Luck!

The best way to work with your son without torturing him or you is to do things slowly one step at a time. I would start with working on whatever he seems least attached to at first... potty training or paci or bedtime. Pick one and only one. Once mastered, pick the next item on your list.

I had a terrible time figuring out how to wean my first from the paci. What worked in the end (which many people don't recommend but I did it anyway because I was desperate) was... 1) put all the paci's away (preferrably throw them away) except for one. 2) Start limiting when he is allowed to have his paci (like just at bed time or whatever works for you) 3) when he is adjusted to just having his paci at night or whenever you've relied on it the most, then cut a small hole in the tip. Allow him to get use to it and watch it closely so that he doesn't bite more off and swallow or choke on it. Gradually cut a little more off the tip until you are left with no more nipple (this took a few to several days for my daughter but not more than a week for each but away). He can still "sleep" with it but he will get use to not having something in his mouth gradually and it won't be a "shock" trying to fall asleep cold turkey without one. If he asks you to buy more, don't give in. You might tell him paci's are for babies and he's a big boy now. Maybe get him something that only big boys get that is special that will help him feel positive about being a big boy.
As far as getting him to sleep, try putting him down later when he is more tired. Use the gradual method to remove yourself from being near him making the time you touch him and are in his presence shorter and shorter as you go. If he regresses into vomiting, clean it up and remain calm without giving attention for the "fit" tell him he is okay and resume wherever you were in the process- neither take yourself away farther nor revert back to being closer as this will reinforce the negative behaviour. He will learn that he is okay when YOU are okay. Eventually he will learn that he can fall asleep and be safe without having you there- you just need to teach him this in a way that validates his feelings. In other words, you know that he feels sad that you are not sleeping with him but he will be okay without you and needs to learn to sleep on his own. Sometimes having a seperate bed or room can be seen as a special adventure... make sure you fill this space with things he loves and finds comforting. Also, I pray over my children when they have a hard time sleeping. It seems to calm them and it definately keeps me calm.

I would advise potty training last unless he seems more ready for that than for the other things right now. He will have such a feeling of accomplishment when he can put it all in the toilet when he is ready. Also, I would try using natural diapers/training pants when you do this NOT Pull-UPs as this is pretty much just like a diaper. I don't care what they say, "cool feeling strips" never worked for my girl and did not seem to increase her uncomfortability enough for her to not want to go in her Pull-Ups. What helped the most for her was when she decided she wanted to go in the potty all the time and switch to underwear all the time.
I wish the the best of luck in all your endeavors and helping your little boy grow up!
Blessings,
Lori

I also had trouble with my first one falling asleep. And you're right; don't leave him in his vomit.

What I would try is to let him know the bedtime routine. Introduce to him a timer or favorite song that you will play for him at the end of the routine of bedtime. Tell him that when you play the song, he can choose to have you leave, or lay with him. When the song is done, he will sleep.

The routine will give him the security of what will come next, and the choice at the end will give him some sense of control of the situation.

Maybe even do this with your husband together at first and then later on you can give your son the choice of having mommy or daddy put him to bed.

Blessings!!

watch super nanny!
Wish you the best

T.,

Wow, your little man has been through a lot in his short life. My daughter experienced several health issues as an infant and we rocked her to sleep everynight so I went through the same thing you're experiencing.

We transitioned her with me moving to sit in a chair in her room. I would read her a story and then just sit there in the dark (just a little light so she could see me). As she gained confidence in her ability to go to sleep on her own I moved the chair closer and closer to the door. Eventually the chair was moved out into the hall. Once she got used to that the chair stayed in the hall and I would go running back to reassure her if she started looking for me. Then when we started tucking her in at night I would tell her I would be back in a few minutes to check on her but I needed to say - iron my clothes for the next day or needed to brush my teeth for bed, etc. I did check back in on her and found she would go to sleep while waiting on me to return.

She's now six years old and goes to sleep on her own in her big girl bed without any issues. Hang in there. It will happen and will take time for your little guy to feel comfortable. The sooner you get him sleeping on his own the better it will be when you have a second child.

Well good luck is all I can say i have a son who is now 7 years old and also a 7 month old. When I read your post i must say i did have to laugh I thought I was the only mom who had to lay down with her son for a hour or more and let him play with my hair till he went to sleep.I nursed him so I thought this is how it all started because my hair is long and it would hang down and he would play with it but somehow it turned into the same nightmare you are living. I also made the mistake of letting him sleep with me so I feel the pain you are going thru.This went on for 5 years he was in kindergarten before I got him out of the habit of going to sleep holding onto my hair. One trick we did and it worked it might sound crazy but it worked for us. Go to the beautysupply store and buy one of the clip on ponytails. We would clip it on my sons pillow I would still lay down with him and then once he started dozing off I would put his hand on the ponytail as long as he felt the hair he was ok.I was also told by the pediatrician to let my son cry it out because she thought he should sleep in his own bed. She told me let him cry for a hour then check on him I could'nt do it.so hence the ponytail trick again as long as he felt the hair thru the night he was ok.As for the pacifier I have been there I would completely take it away from him in the daytime start slow for instance if he takes 2 naps one nap time dont let him have it only give it to him at bedtime. The only other way is basically just take all the pacifiers in the house and throw them away. Either way it is going to be alot of crying going on just hang in there it does get easier. I now also have a 7 month old and I did it completely right this time.He has never slept in the bed with us we never rocked him to sleep. We lay him in his bed when he is still awake and he goes to sleep all by hisself and it is wonderful. Let me recommend a book it is called Good Night Sleep Tight by Kimberly West. I was recommended this from a friend who has twins and it has worked for my 7 month old.You could also read this for your son it has several different ages in there and different things to try. If you are seriously thinking of having another little bundle of joy I strongly reccomend reading this book.Good Luck

Hi T.,

I know this is a difficult time. Been there and done that.
What I am about to suggest is going to be a long two nights for you but should end your problem.

Your son has to learn to sooth himself back to sleep without you or anyone else. I think that this is your goal and does need to be done for everyone's sake.

Warning....The first night will be the worst.

When you get him into bed this first night, let it be the new routine you want to establish. (whatever it is - rocking, singing, reading a story or whatever) After he is in bed...Do not remove him what so ever. This is very hard. If he begins crying, let him cry for a little bit. Go in and touch and comfort him (w/o removing him from the bed) Even if he is still crying, leave the room. However long it took you to go in the first time, you wait a little longer the second time to go back in. Again, comfort him with words and touch, but not removal. You will, I promise you, do this ALL night. Each time needs to be farther apart than the last one AND with less touch and less words. You are only showing him that you have not abandoned him, and that you are NOT there for a social hour. He will start to give up on you, because you are not meeting the need completely, so he will find his paci and a stuffed animal or whatever to comfort himself. The second night, he WILL try again. It could still be a rough night, but he will give up much easier. By the third night, he has it all figured out. You're not coming in at all. He should be giving this up before the throwing up point. You are basically weaning him from total dependency on you. You have made it very comfortable for him, why would he give up easy. In fact, everyone reading this would line up for you to come over and play with our hair while we fall asleep. :) HaHa.

In an effort to be a loving, tender, and nurturing mother, you've created your own problem. That is not a put down...we ALL have done it. Sometimes, specially while they are sick, we do things out of desperation, and it opens a whole new problem. He is only depending on the habit that you set in motion. Because you love him, your husband and yourself, you want to do what is best for all. This shows you are a great mother. We all learn as we go. You will do different things with the next one. And unfortunately, new mistakes too. That is just life and that's why us other mothers are here. To help each other.

Good luck, let us all know it goes,

C.

My daughter will not got to sleep very well if she has a nap...If she doesn't have a nap she is lights out in less than 10 minutes. I lie down with her and we talk, giggle and cuddle... this time is going by so fast! I remember her sleeping on my chest when she was an infant, she no longer does this.

My advice would be to take is slowly... he has been through the ringer... let him set the pace.

My daughter knows that if she wakes up and wants me she can walk into my bedroom and crawl into bed, quite often I wake up in the morning and didn't know she came in! LOL!! I personally can't listen to her cry it out, I wouldn't leave her during the day, why would I do it at night?

I just wanted to let you know that I am in a very similiar situation! My son is 2 1/2 and he is allergic to peanuts, nuts, egg whites, milk, soy, and he is lactose intolerant. He vomited a lot as well as a baby and I really had no idea why! I thought he might have had acid reflux. He also came down with RSV and was on breathing treatments for a while. There was no way I was leaving him to sleep by himself! He currently sleeps with me and we are going to try to get pregnant very soon. I need to work on the same thing! It is very very hard and I just wanted to let you know that I understand very well what you are going through! I took his binky away in Feb. and he did very good! I took him to Walmart and let him pick out a matchbox car and told him he had to throw his binky in the trash! I wrapped up a couple of cars and told him for 3 nights that I had a present because he was a big boy and threw his binky away! After the third night I told him to bring one of his presents to bed and he was fine! He no longer brings them to bed and the binky is long gone! I wish you much luck and let me know how the sleeping situation goes! I am very nervous!!

What time do you put him down at night? How long of a nap does he take? Maybe it's time to stop the nap or just limit it to 30-45 minutes? My daughter just turned 3 Friday and hasn't taken a nap for about 8 months now. She gets up at 7-8am and goes down around 8-8:30 each night. Every now and then she naps for 30 minutes or less in the car. Life has been MUCH easier since I stopped the naps. There were nights when she napped that she'd be up for 2 hours after I put her in bed at night! She now is asleep with in 5 minutes of going down and sleeps all night. Good luck!

You have received a lot of great advice here so I'll just add a couple of quick ideas. One is definitely start by shortening or eliminating his nap. Put him to bed a little earlier and he will add his nap time sleep to his night time sleep (since he is taking 1 1/2 hours to fall asleep, he should fall asleep fairly quickly once you get to a new routine). He may be tired/cranky for a few days but his body will get used to it fairly quickly and you will enjoy him falling asleep much sooner. Once he has adapted, then you can work on getting him to fall asleep on his own. You have a lot of advice here about that and you will have to choose what you think will work, but I would say that when you do get to the point of leaving the room when he is still awake, give him something to choose such as: "do you want to be covered up or not?" or "do you want the night light on or not?". Even though you probably know the answer, it gives him something he has chosen to hopefully take his mind off (if you're lucky!) the fact that you are leaving.
Best wishes. It will be a long process but worth it in the end!