19-Year-old Wants Transfer to Girlfriend's College

No crystal balls here. I just think that if you are bankrolling the education, you should have a say in it. If you are NOT paying--it's solely his decision to make. Best wishes. Tough situation.

I agree to both posts... It's his decision, his mistake (if it is one, no one can truly say it is and it is very unwise to label it as so as it could be self-fulfilling~ ever hear of 'The Secret'?) and ultimately... his life.

Sit down and have a non-confrontational chat about this. Sometimes, it helps to have some social contact, and if he is more comfortable in the other setting, then it may work out for the better ~ more ways than one.

You are the parent, but can you really judge his decision and decide what is best for him if you are not living in HIS moment, going thru HIS feelings?

Guide him, but let him make the list of pros/ cons and go with it.

College can be pretty lonely for even well adjusted, social kids and it sounds like he might be pretty unhappy with college. If you block his way, I think the chance of him just scratching school entirely is there and that would be much more detrimental than ending up in debt. That said, I would make sure your son and his girlfriend have talked not just about him transferring, but about their mutual expectations when/if he gets there. How much time will they both expect to be together, will his need for her to be his complete social circle be too much for her to handle? I think it's fair that you ask him what his expectations for school are long term. Will his education be as valuable at the midwestern private school? I'm married to someone with way more student loans than I have, and that kind of debt can impact you for a long time. Private schools can cost tens of thousands more than public universities, but for some people the experience is so much better it's worth it.

First, I have to say that I do NOT yet have kids that age! But I remember being one, and it wasn't all that long ago that my brother was in a similar situation. I would talk to your son, asking him questions. Talk to him like the adult he is, but ask him things like what would happen IF they broke up? etc. Talk it all out. Assure him that you have his best interests at heart. I would tell him that you will support him in the same way you have been. In other words, I would pay the same amount, and not a penny more. So it will be up to him to make up the difference with student loans, savings, a student job, etc. I feel that is fair. And if you present it in that way, I think it's less likely to be perceived as "mom and dad are trying to stop me, and are threatening to pull financial support." Good luck.

I agree with Sara. You really need to sit down and have a calm family discussion. Now is not the time to play the stern parent. You also have to check things out about the college he wants to transfer to. You also have to realize that you can't keep protecting your son. Keep in mind he may not be so shy once he's out of the house. He has to be able to make his own mistakes rather than wind up blaming you for anything that happens down the road, which might included getting employed. ("Oh..I can't find a job, because my parents didn't make me live on my own at college.") Trust me, I blame my parents. They didn't let me go to the college I needed for my major so I wound up having to change majors and wound up with a dead end job. It was supposed to be a "well know teachers' school too."...yeah, right. After a calm productive family meeting, your son may or may not change his mind. Anyhow things to consider:
1. The most important thing is does the college have his major?
2. What courses/credits will transfer? Some credits don't transfer, which means the student may have to re-take certain courses or be short credits.
3. What are the general education requirements? Each school has their own, so he may have to go an extra year to make up the missing requirements.
4. What is the college's real reputation? Do employers know this college?
5. Is the college acredited and by what organization?
6. How much more is the college and how to make up the difference?
7. Are there scholarships offered by this college your son can apply for?
8. What kind of financial aid is there?

Good luck.

Does the girlfriend want this? If she is very social, having a boyfriend hanging around might cramp her style. My husband (then boyfriend) and I went to different collages (about an hours drive apart). We managed a long distance relationship for 5 years then waited till we had jobs for a year before we got married. If it's true love, they will work it out no matter where they are whether together at one school or at separate schools. Your son needs to think about where he can afford to go and if his credits will transfer. A smaller school might be a better fit for him, but going where his current girlfriend is not necessarily the best course of action for his future.

I hate to say this, because I think your son may be making a mistake, but I think it's his mistake to make. At 19, he is legally an adult, and since his decision is not going to cost you any additional money, I think you have to let him go ahead and make it. If you stand in his way, he will blame you if he continues to struggle socially, and if things don't improve, his resentment against you could last longer than any debt he would accrue by switching schools. At least if he makes a mistake, he will know it's his own doing.

And you never know - it could make all the difference to him. Social time is very important in college, and if your son feels more comfortable in a different environment, that might be best for him. If he is missing out now, he might have a better college experience. I personally attended a big public school (and I didn't drink) and I loved it, but I have had friends who felt much more comfortable in the small private environment.

So sit down with your son, seriously. Make sure he understands that a college degree in no way guarantees employment these days, that the economy is bad, that his major (whatever it is) may or may not be the only schooling he'll need (so there could be more debt in his future), and that if his relationship with his girlfriend ends, he'll still be stuck at that school. And once you have discussed all the ramifications with him, for goodness sake, give him the info he needs to apply for loans. This is not worth wrecking your relationship with him. Good luck.

P.S. I married my high-school sweetheart after going to the same college as him, and then moving out of the country for two years without him. My parents explained the risks to me, and then I decided what was right for me. And I was right. HIS parents discouraged us attending the same college and tried to stand in the way of our relationship as well. And guess what? Neither of us has completely forgiven them, over 10 years later. Just my own personal experience, as food for thought.

Just a few things to think about that no one else mentioned. If your son is unhappy at a large university then maybe a small one with or without the girlfriend would be a better fit for him. My brother in law started out at a huge public university and was miserable (didn't drink, had no friends etc). He transferred to a small private university after one year and did so much better. It fit him better.

Now with that said he didn't find a job quickly after graduation. I wonder how much going to a college that no one has ever heard of impacted that. Having a large university name behind you means a lot (but not all)

Did you know you can negotiate tuition at smaller private schools?

I can't honestly say what I would do. The most important thing to me is that you don't want your son at a school where he isn't happy. Where he transfers should be important so he isn't losing too many credit hours. If he transfers the girlfriend's school and they break up would he stay there or transfer again. This could mean another YEAR of tuition after losing credit hours. So much to consider! I wish you luck!

He cannot run away from his problems, his being introverted will only follow him to the new school. His girlfriend may get tired of him using her as his crutch. They are doing so much growing at this age that breakups are more likely than unlikely, and how awkward it will be if this happens. Also the cost of a private college should be a huge factor. My dghtr (sphmore in college) wanted to go to a private college but the amount of debt she would have ended graduating with didnt come close to her salary after graduating, so my husband & i put our foot down. We felt we had a say if we are helping pay for it. So maybe you should have a family meeting to lay out his salary & the debt factor, find out if girlfriend REALLY wants him there & let him know that it's up to him to make himself happy not anyone else. Best wishes

I agree with other responses that said sit down with your son and have a conversation about the pros and cons of switching schools. Has he spoken to his girlfriend about this? What does she think? Will he still be happy there if he and his girlfriend break up at some point? Is the school appropriate for his field of interest?

If he stays at his current school or transfers to another, encourage him to get involved in a group or club that is of interest to him. It may be easier for him to make friends in a smaller social setting. I know that this is the case for me. If he is at his girlfriend's school and gets involved in his own group then he won't have to rely solely on her for his social life.

Hi B.,

I haven't read the other responses, but as a 26-year-old who went to college at 17, dated my first boyfriend for less than a year before marrying him at age 20, and having an almost-finished master's degree and two beautiful children near my 6-year anniversary, I would strongly encourage you to just be honest about your financial abilities to help but let him make his own choices. Parents cannot control their children's education debt (or any other kind for that matter), just love them and try to be supportive, offer your advice but let him make his own choices. Relationships might change, but your son needs to be allowed to make his own adult decisions. My family was not happy with me for some of the sacrifices I have made for my husband, but he is the best person in the world for me and I have been happy to change my "plans" accordingly. We both have. Good luck and I hope you are comfortable with whatever decision you make.

I can answer this one from my own personal experience and a stupid, stupid mistake! When I was 19 I was 'in love' and was sure my boyfriend was 'the one' I did transfer to his college and my parents supported it mainly because I was switching to a Catholic School and they are very devout. Anyhow, within 3 days of being there, I found out he was cheating on me. I called my dad and said I wanted to leave, he picked me up that night and I ended up taking a semester off, feeling even more lost, confused and spending the next few years trying to figure me and life out! To this I say...where the heck were my parents? They just went along with whatever I wanted to do.....at 19, you are hardly adult enough to make these decisions. I so wish my parents chould have talked to me and given me some 'real life' guidance instead of letting me go to and fro trying to 'find' whatever it was I was looking for at the time. I compare this to letting a 2 year old cross a busy street and hope he'll figure it out! I"m not necessarily saying you hardball him and say 'you can't go' but definitely help him get to the root of his disastisfaction. This is a tough time in life and I honestly don't believe moving to his girlfriend's college will solve any angst he is feeling. My guess is he is confused/lonely about issues that have nothing to do with his girlfriend. Guide him. Perhaps talk to a counselor to work things out and make sure he is making the right decisions for himself. I would tell him to apply the 1 semester or 6 month rule...meaning, wait 1 more semester or 6 months and see if you still feel the same way before making a leap. If he doesn't resolve his underlying insequrities, he will only take them to the next school, and the next, and the next. Teach him to stick to his guns and figure his feelings out before looking for the pot of the gold at the end of the rainbow elswhere(wish someone had talked this way with me!!!) Good luck!

My son was told he had to go to a community college. He desperately wanted to go to a private college with all his buddies. His dad told him he would not help if he went to the private College. I took loans for him myself so he could go where he wanted. Best decision I ever made. He is doing so good, has all his friends around him. I dont know that I would do this if he was just going because of a girlfriend. If her friends are his also I would do it. Its really hard to be alone with out your friends around. Good luck!

At 19, your son is an adult, and is responsible for making his own decisions. Your role as parent from now on is to advise him and support his decisions. Give him the information he needs; otherwise, still do what he wants but he will stop seeking your advise and support and your relationship will greatly suffer.

well, i don't have college-age kids, but seems like just yesterday i went to college (wishful thinking). i chose where i would go to college, and i chose where i would get my masters from. i chose and paid for it. my parents said they liked the universities i chose but it was a given i'd pay for them. i did, got scholarships and jobs on the side and ended up without any loans to pay of.
that said, if i were in your situation i'd be frank with my child. i'd say that i understand he's lonely but that you (parents) did not save for a private college, that you wish he'd give it some thought but if he's still set in his ways then you'd help him apply for loans and scholarships.

My brother and his girlfriend just went through this... she was going to a different school, wanted to change to his school....

We kept telling her. He's busy, you'll be busy, be sure that you are going there for your own reasons, not solely becuase of him. Short of the story is that she transferred there this Sept. and by Nov. they were broken up. She is still at the school, and they see each other from time to time, she has friends, is into sports, etc.

If your son is unhappy at his current school, I could see him transferring to somewhere else, but I would say to your son, to give me 5 reasons, other than your girlfriend why you want to go to her college? Then give me 5 reasons why you wouldn't be happy changing to college X vs. the girfriends college.

Then approach it from the financial side depending on his answers.

My boyfriend and I both transferred colleges to be together. I gave a up a free ride at a good college and we both attended a private university together that put us in a large amount of debt but it was worth ever penny. We both did better in school when we were together and we were so much happier. Our parents were angry of course but they were not paying for college and we were legal adults so we did it anyway. We moved to Boston, got an apartment and got engaged- all without parental blessing because we felt if our parents couldn't support us in our decision to be together, they were not worth consulting. It put a strain on our relationship with our families that we are still working to heal but we still have a great relationship with each other. We got engaged and moved into together at 19 years old, married at 21. We both finished school with honors and have a beautiful daughter and our expecting our second child who is due on our 5th wedding anniversary.
Let you kids be happy- support him in his decision because its his life not yours. If you withhold financial info from him as a way to keep him from attending school his only option will be to marry the girl and gain complete financial independence so that he will no longer need your information (school will be cheaper for them both if they are married too) Its exactly what my husband and I did.

Hi B.,
My son will be entering college in the fall and has chosen to apply to only 3 colleges of which he has been accepted. The one that makes the most sense for him is one that his girlfriend's brother is at. He will be in a similar situation if they break up when he goes off to college.
My feeling is that this is part of his journey and will learn his lessons through some uncomfortable situations.
You might suggest to your son to spend a weekend on this new campus (without his girlfriend) to experience what it would feel like w/o a relationship but still being in close proximity and to get an idea of his social comfort with the other students. This school might give him the opportunity to strenghten his self-esteem and confidence which cannot be learned in a classroom.

I've got to agree with Lori and Amanda. While you may not agree with this choice and it may end up being a mistake, he is a legal adult and should be making his own decisions. You should not tell him no. You certainly should have a discussion about what there is to offer at this other school other than the girlfriend, and about how bad the job market is, and what it means to come out of school with loans and few prospects. However, this is the beginning of your son's adult life, and he won't need to consult you on his decisions or ask permission, he will do things that you will not agree with. How much does this mean to your son, and is it worth risking your relationship with him over?

I can see your dilemma. At this age, he should be allowed to make some decisions on his own and face the consequences. On the other hand, it can be a very expensive and, more importantly, an emotionally traumatic mistake. I agree that if he and his girlfriend break up (which I'm sure both of them are certain they won't, but age and experience tell us that it's very possible), then he will be distraught, far from home, even more lonely. Probably the biggest life issue for him right now is to learn to be more comfortable in social situations and to pursue interests in which he can meet people. He can't become dependent on just one person to alleviate his loneliness. It will be bad for their relationship, and worse, will thwart his own personal growth and future ability to survive in a social world.

Our son was miserable at his private college and wanted to transfer to his girlfriend's private college for similar reasons to your son's. We sat with him and did a school analysis -- did it have his program, why did he feel comfortable on the campus -- besides having his girlfriend there, would he want to stay there if he and his girlfriend broke up. The answers were all positive, so we supported the transfer. Do you like his girlfriend? We had mixed feelings about our son's girlfriend for the long-term, but it was more important for us that our son be at a school he felt he could thrive at. We also knew she supported the transfer. In the end, they broke up, but he is glad he transferred. It was the right school for him. We did not have to get loans, etc., but if we had needed to we would have done it because he was transferring to a school with a much better reputation. The school was Notre Dame, and he says it was the best decision he ever made, even though he had some hard times there. He became more outgoing and made lifelong friends on his own. Try to be objective, not emotional, in your assessment. Look at it as a new college search, something he might be doing anyway if he's not happy where he's at. Many students transfer and thrive elsewhere. Good Luck.

This is an emotion based decision of your son. Based on his social life/girlfriend/loneliness etc.

Reality is... not many college-long-distance relationships last.
He may break up with her, or SHE may break up with him. Either way, if he switches colleges, after all the trouble it takes, he will be stuck there... and not to mention the financial matters.

His girlfriend is quite social as you said. I am sure she is having lots of fun at her college.... and she may meet someone else. In comparison, your son, her boyfriend, is lonely and introverted. She may stay with him or may just have new experiences in college, as does happen many times.
Your son is being a tad "clingy".... and well, most girls don't like that. Especially if she is social and she does seem to be adjusting well to college life.

I had relationships in college and a long-distance one too. Its real hard to maintain... and if one of the partners is more "social" and meeting people etc., it can put a damper on the other partner... or they may feel a need to move on. Hence, breaking up.

Granted, some college relationships do last. But it takes real commitment from BOTH partners.

The bottom-line is ALSO: Did he TELL his girlfriend that he wants to move to where she is and attend the same college? If not, he best talk to her about it. He should not go there... if they did not BOTH jointly decide that he should come there.

AND he does have to think about his debt and financial picture as well.

Good luck,
Susan

absolutely do not agree to this..huge mistake..if its meant to be it will last but most relationships in college dont last. hes going to transfer there and shes going to get annoyed with him being around constantly cause hes not going to feel a need to even want to meet anyone else because he has her. he needs to get over his introvertedness and make friends. its the whole experience of college and customer service skills are necessary in most jobs these days. he needs to make himself available to ppl so others can see how great your son is..

I'm sure if it were my child I would want to say "NO way". But the reality of the situation is that he is an adult, and he needs to make the decission. As partents, we need to help guide our children. I'm sure the main thing on his mind is "I want to be with my girlfriend" and isn't taking it to account all the other pros and cons (like the ones you mentioned above). Maybe you could sit down and help him to make a list.

I would NOT withhold the information from him that he needs for his applications. I think that he would only resent you for it.

Good luck.