18 Year Old Needs Guidance

It is kind of difficult because he lives with his mother, but I told my daughter to go to school or get a job and pay rent...elsewhere. She went to school.

What is his plan on learning about different careers so he can decide what he wants to do? I would recommend going to get his AA and using the career counseling services at whatever school he chooses.

I actually think your ss might be smarter than you think. I had a friend that went to community college and then transferred his 1st two years, only to find that the school he transferred to would only take 1/16th of the credit hours and he basically had to redo the whole shebang. He is now 30 years old and feels he basically took out a ton of student loans and wasted those 2 years of his life.

I also have another friend that went to college at 25 and lived in the dorms. He got through a four year program in 3 years because he finally matured, knew what he wanted now and nothing was going to stop him...

I would drop the college thing totally and ask him what he is doing to figure out what he wants to do. If he wants to be a doctor, he needs to shadow doctors, if he wants to be lawyer he should volunteer in a law office. Who knows, he M. want to be a scuba dive instructor and take people scuba diving the rest of his life.

Reading between the lines, he isn't ready. He is saying that he isn't ready--at all. Respect that, but give him guidelines--like : fulltime work, volunteer in different fields to get an idea of what he wants to do, take a test on his strengths/weaknesses etc. See if dad can talk with the mom and form a better plan together. Encourage him to try many new things and see if something sparks an interest. GL and hang in there~ You are doing great!

M

I think that your husband needs to stop helping his son. His son needs to start working full time and his mother needs to tell him to go find a room to pay rent to and stop living at home.

Tell your husband that this 18 year old has not figured out yet what it is like to NEED to go to school or WANT to go to school. Until he suffers a little, does without a little, has to take the bus because he can't afford a car, loses a job because he overslept without mom to wake him up, he will not appreciate Dad making him go to community college.

A kid needs to have a plan. Your son doesn't. He is making every excuse in the world why he doesn't want to go to college. Your husband would be throwing money away at this point.

Let him flounder some. Let him find out how hard it is to go without. Tell him to ask mom to make him leave the home and find someone else to live with. When he gets tired of this, THEN he can come to dad and ask if he can go to school. Tie his tuition money to grades. If he makes less than a 2.0, he will have to pay tuition himself.

When he wants to have a better career and job, THEN he will make himself complete what he starts. You cannot imagine how many adults there are in community college. They understand why they are there and they MAKE themselves work through it.

The only way for him to figure out that dad is making sense, is for him to FIGURE IT OUT! Dad can't make this magically appear in his head, no matter how much he wants him to.

I'm sorry - I can imagine how hard it is. I do have a son in his college freshman year who WANTS to be there and enjoys school with a passion. But I also have a 16 year old who knows he wants to go to college but has no idea what he wants to study, and isn't all that interested in general college requirements. We will be crossing that bridge in the coming years, and I hope he will just trust that he can get through it.

Good luck,
Dawn

He doesn't want to go. That's my take. So I'd take the stance of, well, what DO you plan to do? What's next? Trade school? Volunteer work? Volunteering can help him decide what he might do for a career. I would work the "Okay, so what are you going to do past Burger King?" angle and leave the college discussion alone for a while.

I also suspect that if mom doesn't put a lot of stock in college/education and that's who he spends a lot of time with, then that's his primary example and no wonder he isn't worried about it. If she's willing to fund him/let him live there, then that's her concern.

My SD didn't want to apply for various reasons. We said, "If you don't go to college, then you work and pay rent to live here. Not to be mean, but you need skills and a goal."

I would not hold the carrot of college out forever. If SS doesn't want to do it when it's offered for free, then he can figure it out on his own later. I would, later, have DH say, "I am only going to fund college if you start before x age. After that, I consider that you will either never go or you will be responsible for your costs yourself."

My SS went in with one degree in mind, didn't like it, took a year of random classes, changed his major and is now considering law school. There's a lot of ways to Rome. However, he knows that any post-grad work is HIS dime. Not ours. We're done. We have 2 more kids to worry about. He's 22. He can figure it out.

I am sorry I did nto read this all, I skimmed some areas, but I am 8 years out of HS I did horrible my first two years of college before I had any clue what I wanted to be then bam I hit my desired choice and all my classes went better, I felt I had a purpose then and wasn't in a dead end road. I never did get to finish years ago because of having a child...I just recently started up again to finish and now it's even better I am caring and doing so much more.

What I am saying is for some waiting is the best choice to be made, doesn't mean then wont go and doesn't really harm them. Besides right now college is just getting a lot of kids into financial trouble.

I guess I have a different take than on this than you and your husband. He is flat out telling you that it would be a waste of money if he were sent to college at this time because he will not apply himself. He doesn't want to. He isn't ready. He is being honest, so you should take that for what it is worth. I don't think there is any point in pushing him towards this when he knows he will not take things seriously. Even if your husband could make him attend college at present, all expenses paid, your step-son isn't going to do well. That would be a waste of his time and your money. Some people are not ready to start college level learning until they are in their mid to late 20s or 30s. Some people are never ready. Also, a lot of community colleges offer "career programs" in which a student earns an AA or AS and the gen. eds for those degrees vary widely and often the classic liberal arts gen. eds are not necessary.

I really wish I had waited to attend college. Maybe then I wouldn't be a returning student obtaining yet another degree. My sister also wishes she had waited. She got a degree in accounting and hated being an accountant so she returned to college and is now a nurse. She wishes she had waited, saved the money, time and effort, and just did the nursing in her mid-20s.

Best of luck.

I have 2 children that joined an Americorps program right out of high school... it is a 10 month program called National Civilian Community Corps... (2 of my 4 children went through this program)

If he is accepted, he is assigned to a "campus", then assigned to a team that goes off to other states for projects lasting 1-2 months. Much of it is physical labor, like trail work and such, but it is a great time to "grow up" a bit and take a break before college.

Housing and food is taken care of, and they get a stipend (about $160 every 2 weeks), but they also get an education grant to use for college, etc. My son has a tuition grant for $5,550 waiting for when he starts Culinary School this spring.

It gives them some real-life experiences of being somewhat on their own, without being completely without a "safety net" ..... They get a chance to see a different part of the United States, usually, and also see things from a different perspective.

http://www.americorps.gov/about/programs/nccc.asp

Take a look at this link.... maybe you can talk him into applying.

When my son applied, he was "waitlisted", and then called literally 1 week before he needed to report to the campus..... that was one crazy week getting things ready. Different campuses start at different times... there are probably 5 campuses throughout the United States. My son was stationed in Denver, and did projects in Missouri, Arkansas, Denver, and Tucson, AZ... he really had a great time!

You can PM me for more information if you want... I really believe in this program. (And no, I'm not paid for saying this.... I just know it was a great experience for two of my children, (#2 and #4), and wish #3 had done the program, also.)

Well, you say that "lots of kids start out with the "basics" and figure it out as they go along" but I think that's what MOST kids do!
(My son is only 8, so I have not gone through this with him, but I have 2 college-educated nieces and nephews and a boy (18) that my husband & I are designated guardians...so we're involved with him & his mom.)
He needs to start somewhere.
BUT it IS his decision, right?
Is there a career counselor somewhere that he could talk to?
Could he take a career aptitude test?
Perhaps your husband could say that he is willing to help him with the cost of his education (be it college or trade) for the next 4 years & after that, he's on his own?
AND I might think twice about footing the entire bill--I think I appreciated college more & was more motivated to achieve because I was paying for it. I knew they were willing to take my money every semester for as long as I wanted them to! LOL
I think this might be a case of him NOT wanting to go for further academia, but PT work if he's not in school FT would not "do it" in my book. This kid needs to go & try to get a FT job.

We told both our kids it was either college or full time work and rent out of our house. Part time was not an option. The problem is he is still acting like a kid in high school. Also, since his mother seems to be okay with this situation you really don't have much to say about it. Until and if he decides to grow up your hands are sort of tied. Has your husband talked with his ex about the son? If ya'll can get on the same page and present a united front with the boy then you have a fighting chance.

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I don't have children of this age yet, but I can tell you about my experience and my brothers. We all had different paths. I went away to college directly after graduating and enjoyed it immensely! I was an undecided major for the first year or so and then decided I wanted to be a teacher. I was in a sorority and became involved with many activities during my time at school. I loved those years and really found my voice there. I went on to earn my masters degree and National Board Certification. I taught for 13 years and now stay home with my kids. I just recently started subbing a bit and love it!
My oldest brother went to community college for a few years, dropped out to work for awhile and then went back in his mid-twenties and finished his bachelor's degree. He then went on to get his juris doctorate and is now a successful attorney. He loves it!
My youngest brother went away to a big college for a year, came home and went to community college, dropped out to work for awhile and then joined the military. He is now very successful as an officer in the Navy and plans to continue until retirement.
I am a teacher so obviously I am very pro-education especially pursuing higher education, but I do believe that every person has to find their own time and place to commit to it. I agree with the others that your DH and SS should devise a compromise of some sort-go now with Dad's help or outline a clear plan what his intentions are for the next year or two. This economy is rough, but there are jobs out there. My husband works in IT and is hiring people all the time right now, but those without a degree in programming and such, need not apply. It is not easy to, in fact it's nearly impossible to make ends meet working a minimum wage job like BK, but maybe SS has to learn that for himself first to truly appreciate it. Good luck!
HTH,
A.

Sometimes the most important lesson learned is finding out what you don't want, but you will never know what that is until you throw yourself into something.
He's standing on the edge of the pool and he's afraid to jump in.
In the mean time, he's not getting any younger, and college prices are not getting any cheaper, and the longer he's away from an academic environment the harder it will be to get back into it.
If he doesn't want college, he can go to a vocational school - learn to fix air conditioning/heating unit, learn to drive trucks, become a car mechanic, etc - find something that will pay more than Burger King so he can save up for college or at least get his own apartment.

It's OK to be lost at this age...but not trying is not OK.

In our family the post HS choices are: work FT or go to school FT, either community college, vocational school if not a university. So if he's only working PT, he has time to go take a class. He should look into the career guidance centers are community colleges where they offer testing to help him make an informed decision considering his likes and abilities.

What's up with knowing what you want to study already??? People change their majors an average of 7 times....that's just the average. He needs to be actively exploring either way.

Figuring out what one wants to DO with their life is the same as figuring out what you DON'T want to do as well. It's a process of elimination, but you have to get out there and dabble.

You guys have given your opinion, and now you need to let it go. Regardless of how correct you and your husband are about college, you cannot force an 18 year old to do what they don't want to do. You husband has given his opinion, has made his offers to his son, has had his argument, and now he needs to let his son make his decision with the offers and information he has been given.

I agree with you and your husband, but your ss is correct as well. If he knows (or determines) ahead of time that he won't try, then he won't try, and there is no point in his going to school.

At that age - say it once and then back off. If you are going to have any effect on his decisions, it will be more effective the less you push.

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." This sounds like your son. He may want to go but it not ready to jump in. No amount of talking and pressuring is going to help right now. He is right he will just waste it away.

The Americorps sounds like a way to go. The paying rent is a way to go while working at BK.

If mom isn't on board with additional education for the future then he is not either. If she does not demand and enforce this need he doesn't care. I have a grandson in a similar situation (14) and he doesn't care. He doesn't know where he fits in between the two households -- mom has an apartment and nothing great inside; dad has a home and he has a room with lots of teen stuff and a great high school. Mom and dad or on opposite sides of the educational fence.

It is hard to know that your child needs more than he knows about to make it in the world today. But then again you have to let the chips fall where they may and know that you gave it your best shot even if it didn't turn out like you had hoped. Each person walks their own path in life. So we have to learn not to sweat the small stuff.

Say a few prayers that he will mature and his head will pop out of the shell (turtle) and the light will come on. Maybe a few lower end environment visits to the homeless shelters and soup kitchens might help.

Good luck.

The other S.

I have to say that your stepson is making a lot of good points, though it does sound like he is sort of set on this thought pattern.

It also sounds like your husband is reacting to his own experiences and/or disappointments regarding college and is pushing those thoughts/feelings onto the son.

I have a couple of suggestions:
* If he has things he's sort of interesting in, have him volunteer, in order to try it out. The easy example of this would be if he thought he might like to go into building houses/carpentry/similar, he could volunteer with Habitat for Humanity and get real experience and find out if he liked it.

* Instead of making this into an argument, have your DH start putting aside the money he wants to give his son, into a separate saving account. The money can accrue interest while it's waiting to be used. Have them come to some kind of agreement and write up a contract; example might be, DH agrees to give son $X toward college, if he's enrolled by Y date (and make it reasonable--like fall of 2014), and if son doesn't enroll in college or secondary school (like vocational school) by that point, then the money goes back to Dad. That way, it's there in writing.

If the above agreement idea is too hard-and-fast, then just have DH start setting aside the savings, and let the discussion go for a little while, and let both sides think about it.

Here in VA, we have a community college program where you can get your core classes -- English, Math, etc. under your belt (as well as some electives) and get an Associates Degree in 2 years. Then - once you've figured out what you like, you can transfer to almost any college in state (providing your grades are high enough) and finish the last two years. It costs half as much and the kids who do it, swear by it.
I don't know anyone who knew what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives when they were 18. My son is majoring in Chemistry because he likes it. He has no idea what he'll do with that upon graduation except he may continue on for his Masters Degree...
I'd keep telling him to enroll in a couple of classes at the local community college if only to keep his study skills up. He might also go talk to the guidance counselors at the community college to see what they say. They might be able to convince him to just start...
YMMV
LBC

A gap year is a year of travel and exploring other cultures. Burger King and other fast food places won't teach a person anything.
My kids went to an excellent California Jr. College where they took their gap year after getting their AA's.
College is not HS. It's much more respectful of the students and you choose your own classes.

Some jobs train people without college depending on what they will eventually go into. I think he should be able to wait until he is more ready to study and work hard at it and maybe a few more months/years at Burger King will help him decide that. Some of our kids went right to college and then dropped out and did something else like a year school, mainly the girls. One is a nurse and one does massage. One boy went right to college and one went in the military. Another finished college and works in his field and one found a job that trained him and he enjoys. I think it depends on what they enjoy and can live on, etc. One girl went to college and never finished but is working and married and one didn't go at all and is married and has worked and stayed home both at different times. I did not think they should be forced to decide at age 18 and go and then change fields like so many do and start all over. That's just my opinion. I know so many who went four years, didn't like it and started over at a new field. That too is fine if you change your mind but costs a lot and takes more time.

Sounds like all of you have valid points. College is expensive and if he doesn't feel he would buckle down and do well, why waste the money? It's better to wait than to fail courses that you are paying for. You and hubby have valid points as well...lets get started with general courses so you are that much closer when you figure out what you want to do. It does sound like maybe SS is thinking he would need tech school rather than college and maybe that is why he doesn't want to take the basics now (in case what he decides to do does not require college at all...there are still a few things like that).

Compromise....maybe you and hubby can start a college fund now for him. Contribute to it what you would be willing to help him with and continue to do so until you are no longer willing to help. Also, maybe reach a deal with SS that he take the time he needs but if next year, he hasn't decided that he agree to at least start with the general courses...start as "undeclared" to get some of that under his belt. At that point, he will have some money in the fund you have offered to help him. Good luck!

seriously time for him to consider taking just the core subjects: government, algebra, English, & a few others. Any school, any counselor will be able to set him up! Most of these credits will transfer...& many are offered online!

has he considered the military? :)

To me it sounds like your stepson does not want to go to college and is just making up excuses.

Yes, the longer he waits the more difficult it will be to go back to school.

IMO sending him to college know would be a complete waste of money, as he isn't interested. Instead suggest he take some classes. He can take an adult ed class or a class at a community college in something that he thinks he may be interested in.