18 Year Old Causing Me Tons of Grief

My 18 yr old daughter is acting up too...she wants to be independent and make her OWN rules but she forgets that she is living in MY house. I almost asked her to leave about 1 week ago. I only stopped because she calmed down "a little bit" and I know that she will be moving out soon...as she now has a job and she is saving up money to move. I can only tell you what I think.
If she has a job then charge her room and board. If she doesn't have a job tell her she's got 2 weeks to get a job and that you will be charging her room and board. Reqiure that she save a certain portion of her check so that she can afford to find HER own place. You can save up the money she gives you and present it as a housewarming present when she saves up enough money to move if you choose. Make out a written contract stating the RULES OF THE HOUSE that she must sign if she wants to remain living with you. Put it in black and white what is expected of her and that any infractions of the stated rules is grounds for eviction. You can put in the contract that she has a 3 strike rule so if she is late and she doesn't have an exceptable excuse or she didn't notify you that she would be late and get an aggreement from you that it was acceptable she has 3 strikes then she is out.
You raised her...you did a good job...but your job with her is done and now it's time for her to sink or swim. You have a responsiblity to the younger children in the house. By accepting her behavior you are teaching the younger children what is acceptable behavior and what is not. You will always love your children and I am not saying that you don't help her when she needs help but by letting her walk all over you and treating you with disrespect you are teaching her that it is ok to be disrespectful to other adults and to your parents. You are not "helping" her when you teach her that there are no Consequences to her actions. Could you treat a boss in the workplace like she is treating you? What would happen if she showed up an hour late for work and basicly told the boss get over it?
You will do what you think is best and you will get the credit/blame for whatever the outcome but this is really up to your daughter...can she live by your rules of your house...or can she not? The choice is really hers and it's up to you to enforce the consquences of her decision if she chooses to stay. That's part of being an adult. Would your Mother have let you stay in her home if you treated her in this fashion? Your not being mean by demanding the respect you've earned over the years...she's being selfish when she behaves as if she is the only one in the world who matters.
Good luck...I know I need it too...lololol

M.,
I have 2 little kids, not teenagers, but I would like to tell you that I can imagine the way you feel, and it is OK. You need support, you need a shoulder to cry on, you need to talk to someone. I do not know the way your husband is. But, you HAVE to talk to your daughter. Do not use anger or yelling, or upsetting situations and moods. Try to be calm, and find a minute when you can see her OK, calm and quiet. Approach her and tell her that you want to talk to her open heart and honestly. I do not know the way you has been with her, the way you have talked to her. You listen to her? Are you too busy? Are you too tired??? Let her know the way you feel. If you accomplish that, and you two are able to talk, that will be great. Let her know you love her (without tears and remorses and sorries...), but in a firm and nice way. Ask her what is happening to her, ask her if she does not like something or if she needs something else from you. Let her know that whatever is happening to her you will be able to listen and find solutions or help or support, let her know that you trust her and she can trust you .
If you get some answers that you like them or not, just be calm, if you see it is just stubborness or typical age attitude, you set your rules and follow them strictly (grounding, no parties, chores at the house..) but FIRST, let her talk and express her feelings.

Good luck.... I hope this helps a little bit!!
Alejandra

If you want her behavior to stop there has to be consequences. If she hasn't graduated yet then I would definately not boot her out until after graduation. After that it is your house and she will have to live by your rules if she wants to live there. Until she graduates I would start taking away privileges like phone, car, and freedom. It's hard to accept that our kids sometimes feel like they have to make their own pathes instead of following our rules. Don't worry she realize how wrong she was when she's a little older

Ok, if I'm feeling through things propperly...you always had a very close relationship with your daughter....you're very ill...she's gone wild...does that sum it up? Look back at what I just wrote and you'll see a possible issue here. Close relationship, you're very ill...she's playing up...it sounds to me like you need a good counselor for her and you together more than you need advice. If you two were very close as you say, then she's probably playing up because she's terrified of your ailments...she doesn't want to lose her mom, but if it's going to happen then she's going to try to make you hate her and her hate you and harden herself so it won't hurt so much when the time comes. Keep in mind...I'm not a psychiatrist and there could be any other number of reasons for her behavior, but going on what you say about being so close and being so ill...that's the reason that makes the most sense to me. And while your husband may be a very wonderful man, and he's raised her since she was what...12...13? He's not her real father and in her eyes, if she loses you, maybe she has nobody left. That may not be true...he may very well be there for her as he always has been, but this could be going through her mind. Children view things differently...and although she's 18 and a legal adult...she's still your child. I really feel at this point that counseling is your best bet...if this holds true, what I'm thinking, then the counselor can help you both to help each other get through this. If I'm wrong, then maybe the counselor can get in her head enough to find out what's really going on...then go from there. The thing is...with kids...you can't fix what you don't know. You kind of have to play detective a bit to try figure out what the problem is in order to know how to fix it. Good luck.

I too used to be that pain in the rear 18 year old. I ran away from home at 16 and was then put into drug rehab at 17. I have been there, I myself was just trying to be an adult in a teenagers body. Is she causing trouble or just not coming in on time? Most of the craziness will end when she feels more in control of her own life and choices. I only know from what I have done. Do not kick her out, you may regret it in the long run, I am sure it feels like a quick fix now but how many nights will you spend wondering what she is doing, at least she will come home now, maybe not always when you want her to but enough to let you know she is alive. One day she will grow up and act more adultlike and you will be telling her she will never understand how it feels till you have a child of your own. I being a mother now know the fear,love, and heartache my own mother felt. She will look back and wonder why she did what she did, we all do. I am not sure if this helped but you are definately not alone.

I feel for you. My son will be 18 this year and has developed a smart mouth. He stays in his room most of the time. He gives me grief about his chores and slams doors alot. I'm thankfull though that he hasn't gotten too out of control yet. He is worse when he returns from his father's house (he does not like going, but won't tell his dad that and his dad won't listen to me). His behavier did improve when his guided resource counsler at school set him up with a study partner with similar interest. My son is anti-social and his study partner is on several athletic teams. My son seems to be making friends now. He has also gotten more respectful towards me and my fiance since he has gotten a job. Don't know if any of this helps. Good luck.

M....

Hi..I'm A.. First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Reading your story made me feel as tho I was looking in a mirror.

Let me tell you about me and you will see that I do totally understand how you feel and can relate to where you are right now... I am the proud mom of 7...my 4 are now 26, 21, 17 and 10. My 17 yr old daughter Gabrielle passed away in Jan 2002 and I 'lost' my twin boys in May 2005. So I know the loss of a child all too well. My oldest, my 26 yr old, has been strong and independent all of her life...she is driven and career oriented...she wants to make her mark in the media world..and she is well on her way...she lives in West Palm Beach, FL. My 21 hr old has put me thru hell...it started when she was 15 and lasted til she was almost 19...we went thru countless sleepless nights...she was running away...staying out for days without calling...dating known drug dealers (altho she never used drugs)...quit HS at 16 (without me knowing until after she quit)...she was sexually active at 15 (on the 'shot' until 18, but stopped it at 18 when I could no longer 'make' her take it)...she's had an STD 4 times...she's had 'ecstasy' slipped into a drink...she got caught shoplifting ONCE...she won't do that again! You name it...she's done it! She is now 21 and doing great! If you'd like to, you can e-mail me at ____@____.com or IM me and I can tell you what I did to 'help' her straighten out! My son will be 18 in July (God help us all!) He too has put us thru his own version of hell of Earth...shoplifting..fighting...smoking...drinking...pot...cutiting school...breaking curfew...has been in (minor, so far) legal trouble 4 times...failed 2 grades (so far).....he thinks he can 'get away with' what he does because he is working, he is a star (HS)athlete...and he's very cute. I will tho give him credit where credit is due...he has a huge heart...he is very loving and protective of me and his sisters. And my lil angel is 10. She is my 'special' lil one. She has Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism). She is the light of our lives and a daily Godsend! I also now (for 2 yrs) have 4 stepkids who are 11, 10, 7 and 5...here we go again! (Say a lil one for me please?!) Seriously, I did find ways that worked with my now happy, productive 21 yr old daughter! And now, she thanks me for being so tough on her!

A.

Where to start is hard. Tough love as they call it is even harder but it works. If your daughter can not respect your rules of curfew while living under the roof you pay for then it is time to tell her to move on. It is ok to explain to her that you love her and always will no matter what she does but it is not your responsibility anymore to raise and provide for her. You have done your part. She is old enough now to make her own decisions and to abide by your wishes while living with you. So not trying to be mean but you need to cut her loose. You may find that your relationship will grow out of this. Only thing is you will be watching her keep growing from a distance if she does not choose to follow the rules. I feel for you. See my son is 16 and already thinks he knows it all but my thirteen year old step daughter is much worse as far as additude and rule breaking. Her dad and I have already told her she will follow the rules or when she turns eighteen she will be gone. She tells us she is getting pregnant and married by time she is 17 but wonders why she never gets to go anywhere alone. We are always with her and as long as she keeps talking that way always will be. Anyway, trust me it all works out in the long run and just like me we always look back and wish we would have listened to our parents! Hope all goes well!

B.

Hi M.. I am so sorry your 18 year old is giving you so many problems. I can relate to an extent. I have 4 kids (2 boys and 2 girls) the oldest girl is almost 14 and I am not liking this new attitude of hers and I know it will only get worse from here.I also suffer from health problems. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about 7 years ago. I have heard that kids your daughter's age go through a stage when they know it's almost time to cut the apron strings that they almost HAVE to get angry with their parents and act out before they can actually make that leap to independence! What your husband and mom have said seems to make sense. Perhaps she just needs a little dose of reality. NO FUN! Hang in there..Good luck!!

This hits very close to home for me....when I 16 and 17 my step dad was so horrible and mean to me... I knew he hated me and i knew he didn't want me around... the "Laws" of our house were very strict! what dad said goes type a thing.... I think you need to go away from everyone including hubby and have a heart to heart to find out whats going on... maybe "mr perfect" isn't so perfect to her or maybe this is how she's reacting to your health issues it breaks my heart to think about my mom being ill ... maybe something happend that you don't know about. i was just like her i snuck out almost every night i didn't think once how it would have affected my mom i did it to get away.. maybe if my mom would've asked she'd found out my real father had Molested me.... kids act out for a reason you just have to find out why.. still to this day i just wish my mom would have asked.. but i'm 23 years old now and a pretty strong person with a awesome hubby and 4 year old little boy... telling a child their no good or telling them you want them to leave is heart breaking TRUST ME! please don't ever tell her you want her to leave... and if hubby was so great he'd never ask a mother to kick her own child out he'd be looking for someone to help! hope this is helpful GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS