OK, this may sound silly to some. I really want a well-behaved, polite child. My son is the sweetest boy ever, but lately he REFUSES to say "please." When he points to something he wants (a cup, a toy, etc.), I ask him very sweetly to say "please." I ask more than once, and I explain that we say "please" when we want something. I know he can say it because he used to respond several months ago. But nowadays, he responds by either turning his head and acting as if he never wanted it in the first place. Or continuing to point, whine, and often spiraling into a full-blown come-apart. But he NEVER says "please."
Here are my thoughts...my child is not knowingly being rude or ugly. He is asserting his independence and ability to make choices. Right? But I still think that I should not give in and give him whatever he is seeking without the "please." He has to come to terms with the fact that he needs to obey. Right?
Gosh, this discipline thing is harder than I expected! My child is very compliant a lot of the time, but I can see some orneriness and contrariness as well. I ask him to stop doing something, he turns and gives the cutest/most devilish grin, and does it yet again. I am torn between cracking up and wanting to scream.
Don't worry - I'm not at my wit's end. I just want to know if this sounds familiar, seems normal, etc. or if I'm seeing the beginnings of something dicey. I am an easy-going mom; I don't want to blow things out of proportion nor do I want to slack in the discipline arena. That is one area I don't want to be too easy-going about...I want a well-behaved child who is pleasant for me and everyone else to be around.
Thanks, mamas!!!
Thanks to you all for your responses - most of it was very reassuring and helpful. Not sure about the mama who likened me to murderers - that was a little disturbing, unwarranted and over the top, IMO!
I agree 100% that kids learn from our example, and while I'm sure we do say "please" and "thank you" often at home, we are really focusing on it now. I've also stopped saying "you can't have this until you say TY" and instead am just reinforcing what he should say when he asks for something. Repeat and encourage. At this age, I do think that is a good way to handle things - keep teaching him what he should say and not challenge him and give him the chance to defy me. When he really starts getting the hang of it, then we will add in the discipline.
Thanks again - this was a huge help and a great way to find balance for this situation!
I think the best thing to do is to set a good example. My toddlers ultimately do whatever we do. My 2 1/2 year old shakes everyone's hand and asks 'How are you?'. We did not teach him this. He just watched his Dad do it. So, just keep setting a good example, and he just might follow.
No, you're not expecting very much. I had my son sign the correct word for "please" since he was 9 mos. old. He then started doing it independently when he was about a year. If he didn't sign it, then he didn't get it. Period. That's the reason that kids don't have manners is because someone isn't taking the time out to teach them. Parents are giving up too easily nowadays. When my son says, "Get me more milk" at 4 years old, I just look at him & wait. He now knows to say "please". I taught school, & that was something that I emphasized in my classroom.
BTW, Leslie, those people who murdered that poor little girl are insane. Please don't associate people like that with good parents like me who want their child to have manners. I would never punish or yell at my son because he didn't say "please". Those people are the scum of life.
Manners will get you everywhere in life, & it's the one thing I'll teach to my son until my dying day. Every doctor & teacher my son has every come in contact with praises me on his manners, & I pride myself on that. It's hard work! But when I got pregnant, I signed on the dotted line for the hard work.
I feel pity for those parents whose kids are so rude to their parents, & then the parents just look away & laugh. That's pathetic for parents to be overrun by their kids.
Oh, and I never said that his basic needs shouldn't be met. Children need to learn that if they want something (juice, toys, etc.) then they need to ask for it in the proper way. If you wait until they're 5 to learn manners, then it's too late. It's not about them waiting to want to do it...they'll never do it. It's about teaching them proper manners.
Modeling the appropriate behavior is also the best way. You can tell the parents who don't even have manners by how they act. They will have kids who grow up to be like them...without manners.
This sounds soooo familiar. I have a now 3 year old who went through the same thing. One thing that we did that helped was to teach her sign language for "please" and "thank you". Sometimes (most times), she would refuse to say it, but would sign it. In that, I was comforted that she was still learning to use her manners. Being an example is also EXTREMELY important. How you and your husband interact with each other using please and thank you will ultimately determine how he interacts with others.
I would say that you should stick to your guns and not give in to him. It may be that you have a strong-willed child, and if you are not a strong-willed person, he will soon find what it takes to get his way. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep it up and God bless!!
I have 3 kids and I find when you "force " them to say something or do something they resist even more. I always say please and thank you to everyone and I say it to my kids as well and by the time my 5 year old was 3 he was saying it on his own and now my 3 year old says it also. I think the best way to train them and teach them good manners is by example. if you do it they will to. if it is a part of your life and family then it will be a part of theirs naturally... dont stress its not a big deal if your baby does not say please. most people are happy if they say anything at all at 18 months.
Let him be a baby. trust me they grow up way to fast.
good luck! :0)
A.
Wow, you are really stressing over something that is uncontrolable at his age. Like previous suggestions said, you can always encourage him, but parenting is not Boot Camp, I do not agree whatsoever with not giving in until the words are said...ESPECIALLY if it is a basic need that he needs met. They are only babies once, enjoy it while you can! I promise, he will turn out to be a great human being whether he says "please" and "thank you" for everything at 18 months or decides to wait until he's 5 years old.
I have two sons, one being now 17 months old. I think you are expecting a bit much out of him for now. It doesn't hurt to start suggesting the concept and really praise him if he does but I wouldn't expect it just yet. :)
C.
18 months is kind of early to expect him to remember, but do keep trying.
Look into a simple sign language for babies book or online site. The daycares teach them to sign basics like "please", "more", "drink", etc until they are actually able to verbalize. You, your mom and his daddy should all learn the signs and teach them to him. Always say the word as you are signing it. He'll get it and it will be an easy transition.
Our 4yr DD says "yes, please", "no thank-you" and yes sir/mam all due in part to learning basic sign language at 13 months old in daycare. As a matter of fact, she just stopped using the signs not long ago, and I kind of miss them.
You'll be amazed by the response you will get from others in public when your child is signing and saying "please".
Be patient. He sounds like he has a well mannered mom and they do learn from example. :)
Hi B., I did the same thing it takes just as much of an effort for him to say please as it does for him to say milk. I believe it is really important to set everything into motion now because you are planting seeds of respect that will grow and it can be beautiful or very difficult. If you put the work in now it gets easier when they are 4 and older. My children enjoy being children and I enjoy them being children we laugh and gigle and play all the time but they have respect for me and other adults and in return they enjoy the respect they get for being such well behaved children. They are proud of there selves and I am helping them gain confidence. Our role as parents is raising healthy well adjusted kids and it starts with please and thank you.......at 18 months all i did was when my son asked for something i would repeat his request and add please until he was about 2 then I stuck to my guns and he had to say please or he didnt get his request.
You are absolutely right in everything you said. Just keep strong and require a "please" for any and all treats or fun things and he'll decide it's worth it. My son goes through those phases too. We try to ask him to say please and thank you for almost everything just to get him in the habit. For example when he asks to snack on goldfish - we sometimes make him say please for each individual one rather than give him a handful. It gets tedious but of course you know toddlers learn through repetition.
we're just now seeing progress on this front at the age of 4. so you have a while till it will really sink in.
18 months is way too young to be expecting manners.
I have an 18 month old as well. While I will certainly teach him manners - for my son I know it is too early to demand it. My son is only now starting to talk - it is still 1 word - no real 2 work phrases. It is not yet realistic for me to expect proper use / comprehension of and adverb verb combination. He will say please ("peez") if I ask him to - but he does not understand it.
I would keep working with him and encouraging it - making sure you say please and thank you every time - and it will come. Most of all - kids learn by example.
Good luck
Always remember.. you are the boss! If you require a "please" before he gets something and he doesn't say it... don't give it to him. If he decides to pitch a fit- put him in time out for 1 minute (a minute per age). He needs to understand that you are the one in charge and even though he is only 18 months he fully understands that he can get away with certain things. Nip those things in the bud now and avoid things getting worse in the years to come. He will quickly understand that if he does not use "please" he will not get certain things and that you will not stand for him pitching a fit if he doesn't get his way. So far this is working for my 5 and 3 year old. Good luck!!!
I have a two year old and a three year old and sometimes I can get them to say please and thank you. I make it a game with my son (2) like saying "pretty pretty please". And he'll think it's funny. However, my heart always breaks with those parents who want their children to be polite and the most well-mannered kids. Understanding that you don't want a rude child, nobody wants that. But I read the story on Baby Grace, a two-year old who's body was found in the Gulf of Mexico. She was two year old Riley Ann Sawyers who was beaten to death by her mother and step father for not saying "please" and "thank you" to their liking. She kept forgetting. I don't believe we should punish our children for something they know nothing about until they are older. We should love him and reward them every day for their learning. I'm not saying that you don't love Him. Just try to make it into a game and possibly reward him when he does say it.
L.
Would you accept a signing of it? My son now signs & says it at the same time. At first he would only sign it. Maybe you could take the pressure off (and therefore the negative attention he's getting) by meeting him halfway & allowing the sign to pass for a please.
Here's what 'please' looks like in signing:
www.commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/p/w2930.htm
Here's what a child doing it looks like:
http://www.signwithme.com/video_display.asp?ID=31&sea...
My son's "Please" looks like he's buffing his fingernails once on his shirt; one easy flick of his wrist to swipe the backs of his fingernails down his shirt at the chest - almost looks like he's strumming an imaginary guitar once. I fully accept that - it is the manners I want more than the spoken word.
