17 Yr Old Daughter W/o Driver License Going off to College Next Fall

Hi,
My son just went of to college in Aug. He has had his license since he was 16, although I dont think he should have passed. He took his car to school with him, and has only used it 1 time to go to Target! Other than that he walks...everywhere! his dorm mate's parents live close to us so they plan on riding back together when they come home. Also on campus, there is a free taxi service for the kids at night too. So it may not be a big deal for her at school. Just wanted to share that about college life. Oh yeah, he is at MU in Columbia, forgot to mention that. Good luck!

Could it be that she is afraid of failing again? Some children will give up when faced with something that they perceive as hard and will put up a good front so as not to look bad in front of their friends and peers. I'd say take her out driving with you, and help her with the things she had trouble with on her test. She'll thank you later.

M.,

On some campuses a car is a liability. Parking is always a pain. Most students will bike or walk to most classes. In some cities there is enough public transportation to take care of any off campus needs she might have. However, I would point out to her she will either have to make friends fast to be able to share rides or get used to riding public transportation for everything.

I learned to drive at 16, but was without a car the first two years of college in Columbus, Ohio. You have to learn a whole new skill set and be willing to do whatever it takes to make things work. To go to a movie, the mall, or for groceries I had to either beg for rides from classmates or figure the bus schedule out. I garurantee the first time she has to shlep her rice crispies home next to a very smelly homeless person on a bus she will rethink the whole not driving thing.

Learning to drive is intimidating to some kids, particularly girls. You are taking responsibility for an expensive and neccessary part of the famlies equipment. I was terrified of making a mistake behind the wheel at that age. Sure you gain a huge amount a freedom by being able to drive, but it also means you get a lot of grown up responsibilites as well. Most teenagers both crave and fear that freedom.

If I were you I would remind her that this is a skill she will eventually need. Then ask her what is going on that is stopping her from achiving this step in her maturing proccess. If she is smart enough to go to college learning how to drive a car should be fairly easy. It sounds like she is deliberately throwing up a road block for some reason she is not explaining to you.

Best Wishes,

J.

Hi M.! You want opinions I've got them all! lol... Anyway, seems to me without knowing her that perhaps she has some kind of reluctance to be enthusiastic about driving as most teens do! I personally would NOT press the issue, driving is a big responsibility and if you push her she may have an unscheduled accident. Let her do what she feels comfortable doing, I have a friend who is in her 30's and still does not drive, she is a happy married mom and just doesn't need it. I think that when the time is right she will pursue it on her own. I have always wanted to drive a motorcycle but I do not have the time or money to go to classes to learn the right way. Friends have tried to show me but I always end up crashing! Let her do it when she's ready and at the the right time it will be safer in the long run.

Did something happen to make her afraid of driving? I didn't get my license until I was almost 18. I had been a passenger in a wreck during my pregnancy before I got my license. It scared me to drive for a while. I wouldn't recommend pushing the issue, but encouraging her to get it instead. She'll learn soon enough (hopefully) that she'll need to have it when she's on her own.

My 17 y/o daughter was the same way, except the 17 y/o turned into an 18 y/o. My fiance' kept pushing her. He would give her a date and encourage her to study and offering to help her any way he could to help her pass the test.

She kept saying she didn't need anything and finally one day he took her down to the DMV to take her permit test. She passed the first time. He tried to take her out driving, but that didn't last. She didn't like driving his van. Her dad came down for graduation and let her drive her grandpa's van a few times. She moved out a few weeks after graduation and moved in with her boyfriend and his family. She has her own room there, and they make her do chores. She was a bit of a slacker over the summer, but she finally got a job last month. Both her and her boyfriend are always catching some sort of ride from someone in the family, but we tried to tell her she really needs to get her driver's license and consider getting her own car and her own place. But you have to remember it is her life, so she'll have to learn in her own time. Being in Springfield, she thought she didn't really even need her permit since there is the city bus and taxi cabs, and friends to catch rides from.

As far as your concerned, just remember to support and encourage (not enable) her decisions and let her learn some life lessons on her own.

Good luck to you!
Anngie

Let her get it in her time. It sounds like it's "Life Lesson" time. For some of us it's the only way we learn. As a mom I think it's part of our process in letting our kids become adults.

M.,

You betcha! I didn't get mine til i was 18 and started college. I have noticed that a lot of teens are not gung ho to get their lic. early. Running short on time, so can't write a lot, but let her decide when she wants it and if that means letting her go to college to do it, well then she will have to take it when she gets there mom. At least that is what I would do.

Kat

In this day and age when oil and gasoline are things to go to war over, and driving is something most people wish to avoid, I'm not quite sure why you are so eager for your precious child to take control of one of the most dangerous forms of transportation in the US.

That said, there are many reasons she might not want to drive, and, being 17, it is her choice to not get a license, and she will learn the good and the bad of it in her own time. Many people, especially here in Springfield, are going car free as much as possible, not only to keep in shape, but also to save money and help preserve the enviornment.

She doesn't NEED a license, and it is likely that she never will for her whole life. I agree that you shouldn't be her personal driver, and I agree that she will find a way to do the things most important to her. I will also say that in time she may desire that little plastic card and get it on her own, but until then, don't worry. And for goodness sakes, relax, and don't pressure her. This is the time in her life when she is supposed to start making her own decisions, and if you don't trust her with the choice between car, bike, bus, friend, or foot, then maybe she shouldn't be making the bigger, life-changing decisions that she will be forced to make in college.

P.S. I got my license at 19, right when I wanted to. *smile*

Hi M.,

I wouldn't worry about it too much. She just may not be ready yet. It's not that uncommon though. If it's any comfort to you, my 18-year-old niece who is in college doesn't have a license either. She failed her driving test. She is a very nervous driver. Her parents bought her a car to encourage her, but she won't take the test again. And she gets around just fine. Most college kids walk or take mass transportation anyhow. Your daughter may be very discouraged from failing driver's ed. Give her some time. Did she fail the written or driving part? Maybe you might want to consider why she failed the test. Did she just not study or could she have a learning disorder? If it's the driving part, would it help if you had an understanding person drive with her so she wouldn't feel so nervous? Just some ideas. Overall, I wouldn't worry about it and just let her decide when she's ready.

My mom tricked me into getting my license before I was ready Unfortunately I passed the test. Two totalled cars later, and luckily no injuries, I refused to drive untill I could buy my own vehicle. I was scared of the trafic & easily turned around. About a year later I bought an old pick up truck that was stick & finally learned how to drive. I felt alot safer in my truck & found that with stick I was a much better driver. Personally I wouldn't push her, but I would inquire into her reluctance, so you can help with the fears or questions. Once somebody explained that certain roads I knew well went North & South & others East & West I did much better with the turned around thing, which kept me calmer while driving.

As a former Police Officer I think that if she is not ready, or does not have the need to drive leave her alone. Driving is a huge responsibility and it is completely irresponsible and reckless to your daughters safety as well as others on the road to force her into driving if it is not only something she is interested in, but takes seriously. Let her go to college and take a cab everywhere. She will eventually make the decision that she feels comfortable with.

There are many people that function great w/ out a vehicle and hold jobs and go to school.--Public Transportation

If your daughter failed 2 times maybe you should buy special courses and hire instructor? like at http://education4drivers.com/. My mom bought coursese there after my "studying" by my father and i passed exam from 2nd try. Goodluck

I just wanted to let you know that I am a 23 year old single mom without a license. I did not get my license not because I didn't have the motivation, but my parents didn't want me to get one. And when it got closer to the time I went away to college...they still didn't feel it was a necessity. So I have still yet to have the opportunity to get one. I was able to get around while I was in college...most colleges are close to any place a college kid needs to go, plus there's always the bus if you need it. Friends are made fairly easily in college too as long as your daughter allows it to happen. Now, even being a single mom and still going to school I find my way around. If she doesn't want to get her license, then I wouldn't badger her to do so. If she wants to get somewhere bad enough, she'll find a way.

Our Son will be 18 in Novemeber and he still hasn't gotten his license. He was in bad car wreck when he was 10 yrs old and had to be cut out of the car. I have asked him if that was the reason, and he keeps telling me no. Just let her get the license in her own time, that way if God Forbid she ever had an accident, you won't blame yourself (we as Parents blame ourselves enough as is).

My 23 year old daughter still has no license. But she went off to Boston, where no one has a car and is fine until she comes home from school. She recently graduated from college, and still, no license. She talks about getting one, but is afraid to drive, so she doesn't. I say just leave her be for a while and see if something else encourages her to get her own license, like a new boyfriend or a great job opportunity.

M.:

Your daughter is 17 years old, going to college,"learning to be responsible". Let her go, and don't say another word about it. She will learn, by natural consequences, what it is like without a car. As long as you don't play chauffer when she calls, she will figure it out.

A.

As a high school teacher, I've noticed kids have become less independent in the last decade or so. When I turned 16, if I didn't learn to drive, then I walked. My parents (and almost all of my friens' parents) took the stance that if you're old enough to drive, you're old enough to get yourself around if you don't want to. Seems teens put off growing up more now. I wouldn't push the issue, but I wouldn't cater to her every transportation need, either. When she gets to college, she'll either figure out how to get around on her own, or get her license. It is a life lesson!

Hi M., Actually, i went through this problem myself. I failed my first drivers test when i was 17 also. I had this really horrible lady that scared the you know what out of me. It pretty much scarred me so i didnt bother to take the test again until i was 21. What i did was without telling anyone i took private lessons so that i didnt have the added pressure of letting anyone down again. When i passed i told everyone as a surprise. I happedend to go to a city school where parking was too expensive so no one drove so it didnt bother me but she will see that when people ask her about her license or ask her to drive there car it will make her sweat. so i just rambled on, but thats what i went through. i would suggest the private lessons. i only had to take 3 and the teacher said i was fine to take the test. Just tell them your trouble spots so they can help.
I hope i gave you something to work with.
Good Luck!
J.

I won't push her too much, but you might want to encourage her to renew her permit and take her out driving once in a while if she is willing. While it's not necessary to get her a license right now, it's good for her to get some experience driving so that she doesn't become afraid of driving.

She may get a job offer after college in an area where driving is a must. If she doesn't have enough experience driving, she may be a danger to both herself and others on the road. Some take to driving very well and some simply take more practice.