My 17-year-old daughter moved out to her dad's on April 19. We had not argued, but I had told her to clean up her room and bathroom. I had also taken her gas card because it was maxed out. She left and said she'd never be back again. She has not texted me, and when I text her, her answers are abrupt. Her entire life, she never says, "I love you" to me. She will tell a complete stranger and everyone else she meets, but not me. I am brokenhearted and don't know what to do. My 24 year old son, and 14 & 16 year old daughters say to ignore her. That's hard for me to do. Help!
At seventeen, she can legally live anywhere she wants.
If she wants to live with dad, let her. Do not give her gas card back, and stop begging her to say she loves you.
She's acting like a brat, and you're feeding that bratty behavior.
She's got a bad case of 17-itis, and needs to get the hell over herself.
She needs to figure things out. She knows it bugs you that she doesn't say "I love you". This is manipulation 101. She is being a brat and you are feeding the brat. I know it hurts but you have to toughen up and get control of the situation.
I would limit the texting to maybe once a week. Saying "hey sweetie hope you are having a great week, thinking of you". If she responds, be brief, if she doesn't text again in a week saying the same thing. Keep it brief and devoid of emotion. Be upbeat. If she makes a nasty comment just laugh it off and move on. Do not react in the way she expects you to. It will drive her nuts!!!
While she's gone, be sure to maintain some contact but do not make her feel you're trying to reel her back or blackmail her emotionally with broken-hearted tears. Just let her know, I get that you're staying with Dad. I'm here if you need me or want to talk. Then don't contact her for a time.
Use this time, when your dramatic-sounding daughter is out of the house, to focus on your other two daughters who are still at home. Be sure you are building strong relationships with them. Do not burden them with talk about how your oldest daughter has hurt you or how she never says she loves you, etc. Talk to them about THEIR interests, lives, goals, friends. Do things with them. Double down on ensuring they don't hear your woes or feed into their sister's drama.
It's not like sister has vanished or run away. She moved to her dad's. Yes, very hurtful and immature, but probably a result of other pressures and issues -- one "clean up your room" and a gas card don't add up moving out, usually. So there's more to her story. But for now -- do nothing more than let her know you are always there for her, ensure she is safe, and don't let her drama or your own emotions spill over into the household you still share with two other kids.
I have been there. Everyone who responded already has given you excellent advice. I will add one thing: Do not let her come back. If she cries or begs, do not let her back. She needs to grow up and not treat your home like a hotel. Your other kids will learn from this to respect you if you stand your ground.
I'm going to make a few assumptions based on my own personal experience (that may be completely off-base). I'm thinking she threatened to go to her dad's before actually going and you had always gotten her to stay with you - been there done that. Then I started being the parent again. I let my son get away with too much b/c I was afraid he'd leave and go to dad's. Once I got over that fear and regained my role as parent things improved. Your daughter is manipulating you by not saying I love you only because she knows it bothers you. Give her some space. The harder you try to pull her back, the more she pushes away. I don't think you have to ignore her, but don't cling to her either. Take this time to try to build a new relationship with her. Maybe try doing a mother-daughter date in a few weeks. Only call her once a week to check in.
I called my mom "mother" b/c I knew she didn't like it. My son used to find it hilarious to push my buttons.
I think your other kids want you to ignore her b/c they see she's acting like a brat and getting a lot of attention for it. Focus back on them and your relationship and family with them. Your daughter will come back, but not by force.
She's punishing you because you expected responsibility from her.
I don't know if you've spoiled her as a teen because you were worried that she would go live with her dad. I suspect that you have.
Regardless, at this point she is almost an adult. She has to learn that being an adult means being responsible. Let her father deal with her.
If I were you, I'd call your ex and tell him that if she gets pregnant because he's ignoring his parental responsibilities, that it will be up to him to deal with it. Markasa is spot on - don't let her come back home. She needs to learn that jerking people around has a consequence.
Find something else to focus on instead of your daughter. She will have to learn on her own.
Meh, I could have happily let each of my children live somewhere else for a couple of years during their teens. It's not the worst thing in the world to have a break from them. Once they live somewhere else, they usually come back a lot nicer.
There's nothing wrong with letting her live with the other parent for a while. Focus on your other kids and your own life. She'll come around eventually.
Of course your feelings are hurt. I've been in that place with my daughter. I've learned that the more I try to change her thoughts the further away from me she goes. It's really important to not continue to get in touch with her. Your neediness overwhelms her.
Therapy taught me to work on being able to not take my daughter's comments and actions personally. They are not about you. Your daughter feels this way. You cannot change her. You can only change your reaction to her. It's OK to feel hurt. Your pain is your problem. When you keep trying to change the way she's feeling you are driving her away from you.
You can feel less devastated if you want to change your reaction. It is your responsibility to make yourself happy. You're depending on her for your happiness. Years of experience has proven that over and over.
I urge you to read about codependency. It took me a great deal of time to understand and take responsibility for my feelings. I needed counseling to help me.
Updated
Of course your feelings are hurt. I've been in that place with my daughter. I've learned that the more I try to change her thoughts the further away from me she goes. It's really important to not continue to get in touch with her. Your neediness overwhelms her.
Therapy taught me to work on being able to not take my daughter's comments and actions personally. They are not about you. Your daughter feels this way. You cannot change her. You can only change your reaction to her. It's OK to feel hurt. Your pain is your problem. When you keep trying to change the way she's feeling you are driving her away from you.
You can feel less devastated if you want to change your reaction. It is your responsibility to make yourself happy. You're depending on her for your happiness. Years of experience has proven that over and over.
I urge you to read about codependency. It took me a great deal of time to understand and take responsibility for my feelings. I needed counseling to help me.
Let her live with her dad. The grass is not always greener on the other side. She will come around one day BUT you have to let it be on her terms.
Know that she may never say she loves you to your face. That will be on her. Time for tough love and to move on. You have done all you can in the time that you had her in your home. You have to feel that you have prepared her to stand on her own two feet and to live her life.
Perhaps since she was your first daughter you put too much stress on her to be a girl and not a person of her own doing. I can't say how you raised her but perhaps this is how she rebels against what you taught her. Pray for her every day and know that you have done your best. Text her once a month if that. Don't give her the gas card or any other cards. She has "cut the cord" so to speak and daddy is now taking care of her.
What you do with this daughter is how your other two will respond to you.
There always seems to be a "wild child" in every family.
the other S.
PS One day in the future she may come back and apologize for all the wrong she did but don't hold your breath until that happens. You have a life of your own to live and you must do that.
it sounds as if she needed to move to put some distance between you. if you are relying on her to maintain your own emotional stability, you've burdened this young woman with more responsibility than a teenager should have. teenagers have enough trouble handling their own psyches, she just can't be in charge of yours too.
taking her card because it was maxed out was perfectly reasonable. so was telling her to clean up her space. if she chose to move out over it, that's on her.
so let it be. you laid down your parameters, she responded. stop texting her and fishing for an 'i love you'. if it's never been forthcoming, why would it be now, when you're on the outs? if your relationship with her is a lifelong pattern of dysfunction you might consider therapy. if this is a new problem, then let her be for a while. call her (enough with the texting) from time to time just to tell her you love her. leave it on her VM if she doesn't pick up.
be the adult. don't expect her to nurture you.
khairete
S.
