15 Yr Old Brother in a WEIRD Phase.

If you want to help then offer nicely to help rather than teasing. Perhaps offer to get him a new jacket, a visit to a hair stylist, acne medication, whatever. Maybe suggest learning a sport or something to increase confidence and meet new friends. Is he happy the way thing are? If he is fine with the situation then let him be. Some people are late bloomers or just not outgoing. I was shy as a kid and finally decided to change that in college--it takes a while for some people.

I say take him out for a sister/brother day...eat some lunch, have a chat, go to a movie, chart some more than take him and get him some new clothes and a haircut!

Be honest but firm!

'Brother you are so handsome...come on! I am fixing you up and we are gonna pick you a new style!'

Good Luck!

I feel bad for your brother. He has a mom who does too much for him and doesn't push him to grow up and a sister who seems to delight in picking on him under the guise of 'I'm just trying to help out by using tough love.' I guess my advice is to worry about yourself and stop being a jerk to your brother. He isn't you. He doesn't have to be.

The other thing I'm wondering is why this matters so much to you? You are married with a child and pregnant with a second. Shouldn't you be concentrating on your own family instead of picking on your brother?

your mom does appear to be babying him rather drastically, but you know what? he's her kid. you've got your own to play out YOUR theories of parenting on, right?
she's probably compensating for the fact that he has a Mean Girl Sister.
lay off him. it's not tough love to demand that he be a mini-you.
khairete
S.

Both my boys were a quivvering mass of self doubt at age 15. Your bro is completely normal. They did the hide behind that hair (or hide behind ANYthing) thing, made, um, questionable fashion choices, were painfully shy during social situations.

I'm pleased to say, the oldest is a successful second year college student, and the next is off to college in September. They lived through it. They turned out completely normal. They even have GIRLFRIENDS!

So lay off your poor brother, he'll be ok. Teasing him will only drive a wedge between you and him and you and your mom.

:)

I don't know what you mean by "tough love." That's something you do when a kid is out of control with bad choices--drugs, crime, violence, dropping out of school, etc.--not when someone dresses weird or listens to weird music (in your opinion.)
You don't NEED to say anything about him wearing the same jacket every day, that's his business, not yours.
Give him a break, he's fifteen, and he's not YOU, so please don't compare him to how you were at that age. My kids are all very different, and none of them are anything like my husband or I were as teens.
I understand your concern, but let him be who he is, I'm sure he will grow into his own. If you are 25 you are WAY too old to be teasing your little brother about his clothing, hair and personal habits, that's just cruel. And you are not his mom, so let your mother do her job, even if you don't agree with how she's doing it.

There's nothing wrong with your brother.
Every teen goes through some hard awkward years and some have it harder than others.
I knew a few guys like this in high school.
They were never with the 'in' crowd.
But WOW did they blossom in college!
Now they are CEO's and own their own businesses.
Popularity in high school is fleeting and it's not everything.
It's not your job to raise your brother.
Lay off on the advice and if you can't be nice, don't say anything at all.

I think that just because he isn't like you, doesn't mean he has something wrong with him. If he were truly concerned with the way things were going in his life, he would change them. I don't think it is your place to make fun of him. He needs love, and I feel like you are acting a bit immature.

He's fine. He just hasn't come into his own yet. He will. It takes some people longer than others. Your tough love isn't appreciated nor is it helpful so you should stop that immediately. Your brother doesn't have to be a social butterfly just because you were. And, personally, I don't think bowing down to bullies and blindly following the masses is anything of which to be proud. If you want to help him let him know that he is loved just as he is and then take him shopping for a new jacket.

"Home" is the place where we should feel save, comfortable and free.
Do you still live on your mom's house?
Perhaps he acts this way when you are around because he knows how you feel about him?
Many teens goes from a stage, some are more friendly then others.
Mine is not too outgoing, it doesn't mean she doesn't have friends. She
still talks to her old school friends through sky and I hear them having fun. Yet in the new school have only make a few new friends.
She is not in any hurry to just make friends to look "normal", she has a few that she "enjoys" being around.

Okay, you are teasing him and you are not being helpful - family is supposed to be safe and mom is making up for it because you are not safe. My nephew is a little "odd" if I were to look at him thru your eyes and was the target of bullies and I simply took him under my wing and helped him find a balance that helped him see that who he was on the inside did not have to dictate who he was everywhere. If you are not a fan of his jacket take him shopping and help him find one that is simmilar that fits well that can take him thru highschool. If you are not a fan of his backpack because it's "Pink" then buy him a black one and spray paint some art on it in pink and other colors so he can see that it can be him and it can be something others can relate to also. I agree that your mother should push him more but that is MOM's job to push and sibling's job(s) to support. Take him out for lunch at McDonald's or simmilar low pressure and say "Hey! I gotta run to the bathroom can you order me a #1 with a coke and get yourself something, I reccomend the #1 or #3! Here is my card or here's a 20!" See what happens. He will either order right away and be okay OR he will wait for you to come back and say "I could not decide, but I think I will go with the #1" and run off. If the second option happens then talk to him about it but in a non pressure way - Hey, how is that #1 for you? So, next time you know what you want when you come here huh? or some thing like that. I think he feels the pressure from you to be "normal" and you are not embracing who he is. And what the BLEEP is wrong with liking classic movies AND classic music? I love them both and was well liked in school. I suggest you help him find out what about the classic movies he loves and show him those same things that are in current films and music too and offer him a bridge into today's world so he does have more in common with his peers. You know, if you help him find out why he CAN like current movies/music/fashion etc then he can help others find out what they CAN like about the classics too! This bridge goes both ways you know and you appear to be narrow minded about what is socially acceptable. Furthermore I suggest you both spend time together doing volunteer work - people are more likely to drop their guard when doing good for others and you just might get the heart to heart you need - may I suggest a nursing home since he appreciates the finer things in life?

Does he have a computer? A lot of people socialize online, my kids talk to their school friends via Skype all the time.
Instead of pointing out what you feel is his weird behavior, even in a nice way, just be nice to him. Maybe take him shopping for a new jacket, or take him to a movie he might like, or just discuss your day with him in a pleasant way.
Finally, everyone is weird at 15, this is the time when you start finding your "tribe" or group to belong to, and you start finding out what you like to do and talk about. There are lots of other people, probably very artistic people, who like old movies es and music. Maybe he could talk to the band director and ask how he could get more involved with music he likes. Maybe get him a Netflix membership for his computer ($8.99 per month) so he can stream all those old movies, or a Barnes & Noble gift card to get some big band CD's or downloads.
You cannot make another person something they are not. My sister is super introverted and even if I could make her come out of her shell more, she would not be happy, she is happy with the way she is. Your brother will find his way as well.
Maybe get him the book "Element - how finding your passion changes everything" by sir Ken Robinson. It is easy to read and just gives lots of examples of people who were deemed weird by others but who found what they really loved in life.

According to your post, your "tough love" isn't working. You specifically say he needs help. Well, instead of "tough love", why not help or get him help?

Instead of acting like his mom and telling him what to do, how to dress, correcting him, etc., TALK to him about your CONCERNS (the hiding, shyness, etc.) and show him you love him by being a SAFE person to talk to. Sometimes people "see" themselves as MUCH more unattractive than they are and it can become a medical condition (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder).
Puberty can kick your butt, so maybe getting him to a doctor to make sure that his body is working right would be smart.

BACK OFF on the stuff he likes - who cares if it's wierd? Why does he need to change his taste in music, etc. to be like other kids? He is not you, and he is not your brother. He's trying to figure out who he is, and he's having problems doing it. I hate to be blunt, but the fact that you think what he likes is wierd is NOT helpful and immature on your part.

Suggest that your mom to help him learn life skills instead of staying "stop babying him", because he is her baby and it's hard when the last kid is growing up. She might feel better if she is "giving" him skills instead of "taking away" caring gestures.

Good luck and I hope he gets some confidence back.

You are his sister, not his mom.

Stop trying to be his mom, you have your own kids to raise.
Tough love? Huh? Not sure how or why that would apply here.

Quit it, be nice.

I would gently suggest to your mom and brother that he visit a dermatologist about his face. Just say, "have you ever considered...?" and then let it go. Don't be pushy. My stepson had really horrible cystic acne and needed an Rx for a while. My nephew (just a little older than your brother) also had acne problems and always walks hunched over and wears a hat like he wants to hide/fold in on himself. He's SO painfully shy. He has no confidence outside auto mechanics and I wish he could see that he's a good, kind kid that people like, if he gives them a chance.

He doesn't need to be like you. My nephew isn't like his brother or his sister. And that's fine. What worries us more than what he wears is how he acts and we are concerned that he's just unable to present himself to others. He wants to go into the military but struggled to speak to the recruiter. I think he might have some agoraphobic tendencies like his mother and grandfather. It can be crippling. Maybe your brother has something like that going on beyond just being shy. Maybe he wears the jacket *because* it is snug and he has sensory issues.

For what it's worth, both my stepkids are often hermits when they are home in the evenings. I think it's just a way to decompress. I am an introvert in a family of extroverts. Sometimes I tell them to all go away because they are stressing me out. My DH recharges with people. I don't. Sometimes he has to go do his thing without me because I just can't do one more thing that involves being "on" for other people. Maybe your brother is the same on some level.

What you see as "tough love" may not be appropriate here. Teasing can be really hurtful. I'm not saying to baby him but there's "Would you like to go shopping with me?" vs "You look homeless in that jacket." It can be hard to be seen with someone who doesn't fit your mold and you feel judged on that behavior. Do you ever speak gently and encouragingly? "What do you want to eat, Bro?" maybe if it's said in front of the waitress to you, it will be a step toward ordering for himself.

Another thing - so what if his choices are "old". I am not really into comics or football or fashion, but I listen to the kids and try to understand their interests because it's important TO THEM. I'm never going to be a huge comics fan, but I can appreciate Green Lantern because I've listened to SS talk about it. Maybe rather than diss his music, give it a chance. Let him share with you.

It might also help your parents to speak to the school guidance office and get their take on his behavior and what might be done to help him. Being different is one thing. Hiding like that is something a bit more concerning. He may have other things that need to be treated and evaluated. Not being able to order at 15 would be a concern for me.

You know -everyone is different! Teens go through phases, and sometimes they're weird. It's up to him and your mother to sort out how their relationship should be, and it does sound like she babies him too much, but they'll have to work that out.

Did you start off with your "tough love" approach? If so, why not start or change to a conversation. Let him know -nicely- that you're a little worried about him. I wouldn't bring up how he dresses or the music and entertainment he likes -lots of people like those things. I've always loved big band music as well as bluegrass (before it was cool with a large portion of the population) and opera. So what? You honing in on those things makes YOU sound like the immature one here. Let him know you're worried that he seems lonely -maybe he'll open up to you. Don't tease him though. There's nothing good or productive about teasing -especially for an adult to tease a kid -and YOU are an adult.

I would just be nice to him and love him for who he is. He'll either "grow out of it" or he'll always be a bit eccentric. At some point he'll quit wearing the jacket. I wouldn't worry unless he seems depressed. If the hand thing bothers you so much, you may want to point out to him (again in a NICE way) that keeping his hands on his face will only make it break out more.

When I read that he hides his face, I thought...okay, he's really shy. Then I got to the part where you said he's very attached to his old jacket. Okay. And then you mention that he has a hard time socially AND he's interested in old movies and music. BAM....it all came together.

I think your brother might be an Aspie. No, I am not a clinician...but go and read this. See what you think.

Here is an overview on Asperger's
http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/diagnosing.html

Here is an article about teens with Asperger's http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/teen.html

Hope this helps!

If you can get him to a counselor, it would seem there's nothing to lose. If he's just a normal 15 year old and different than you were but fine, still no harm done if he goes. On the other hand, I agree not ordering in a restaurant and putting a bandana over his face isn't quirky or just a phase. That seems beyond the scope of normal even for a teenager. And having someone objective may help him a lot. My friend's daughter is doing great. Straight A's etc but there's a conflict bc her parents are divorced so she's seeing someone and I thought - I wouldn't have minded a counselor! Teen years are so hard for most. I was fortunate to have an older sister but if I didn't, my parents weren't good to talk to about certain things so someone else would have likely been nice. Where's your father in all this btw? I think you sound like a good sister who is stepping up bc your parents may not want to face a real issue. Another friend's brother was always "odd". Hey - leave him alone!! Just bc he's not popular and outgoing, cut him some slack! Well, he slit his throat one night... Good luck with it all. I'm sure you have your hands full.

I can't believe people are giving you a hard time. He doesn't sound "normal" at all and people are saying to ignore it. Then when a kid takes a gun to school, people ask where the family was and why they didn't notice there was a problem... Not saying that's what your brother will do at all but I don't blame you for being concerned and frustrated. No real advice but I guess keep doing what you're doing and see if you can get out just the 2 of you and talk more often. And get your 22 year old brother involved...

I went through something like that in High School. My brother was 2 years older than me and I noticed something wasn't 'right' about him when I was in about 9th grade. He had few friends, never went to any school events (dances-games ect), he just studied and studied. He graduated and went to college and then on to Podiatry School and became a doctor in 1981. In total he had 23 yrs of school. Even thought he was licensed to practice in 5 states he never practiced unless a friend from school called and said he was overloaded and needed help. That was another red flag for me. I talked and talked to my parents but my concerns fell on deaf ears. Fast forward to 1994 and by then he was always wearing plastic bags on his hands because of germs, would talk to people who weren't there and other strange behaviors. It wasn't until Dec 27 and he had a total breakdown that my parents finally woke up. The took him into the hospital and he was signed in for a 72 hr psych hold and diagonsed with schizophrenia. He was also OCD. He started on medication and seemed to be doing well but then had some side effects in March 1995 and his doctor took him off medication without giving him anything new--5 days later he was dead. Killed in a car accident at age 42. He hadn't slept in about 2 days the voices were back, he got behind the wheel of a car and we think fell asleep.

My advice to you is to start doing some research learn the symtoms of mental illness, show your info to your Mom. Find a way to wake her up -- get her to see that your brother needs help and needs it NOW!!!

My mom refused to see that my brother needed help. She just figured that since he was a doctor he would know if he were sick. It doesn't work that way. Your mom needs to stop enabling him and start really helping him NOW!!