15 Month Old Prefers Daycare Provider than Me

15 month olds have a hard time with transitions. And going from home to daycare and then again from daycare to home - is big transitions in their day.
It's her way of making her transtition.

just a phase. Just be thrilled that she doesn't run away from the daycare provider each time you drop her off. It's just a phase... before you know it, she'll be clinging to you once again.

I keep ids in my home and this has happened with everyone of them. It will pass you are her mommy and she knows that. It is her way of showing that she is upset with you for leaving. The transition is a little bit hard for her, she has been with day care provider all day it just takes her a few minutes to adjust back to being with mom. She loves you more than anyone in the world but it is great that she feels close to the person she spends her weekdays with as well.

Dear J.,
This is totally normal.
I did daycare and my "kids" rarely wanted to leave.
It's not that they didn't love their parents or they loved me more....
it's quite simple, really.....
It's a matter of the transition. That's all.
Your daughter has been there, had fun, been loved, and now it's a change and a good-bye to go to another situation.
I know it may hurt your feelings, but in reality, it's nothing deliberate and it should be quite assuring that your child isn't running and screaming for you to get her out of there.
I know it's hard when you've been at work all day and all you can think of is getting back to your baby. And you picture in your mind that you will both run to each other like in a movie....
For my moms who had kids who clinged to me, mom would come in and have a seat for a minute and we'd talk about the day. I'd offer tea, whether accepted or not, and we just worked on it not being an abrupt transition.
I even had kids who cried when mom showed up but it was usually because mom blew in, scooped up the child and the diaper bag and wanted to go right away. (Which there's nothing wrong with especially when you're pressed for time). But, just slowing down for a minute can really help.
Of course your child knows the difference between daycare and home.
She's not confused.
She has a routine and a place where she's happy and needing a few minutes after you arrive does not mean she doesn't love you or anything like that.
In my opinion, she needs you to be calm about her having her "good-bye" cuddle with her daycare provider and asking her if she had a good day and if she played and had good snacks and then "how about a hug for Mommy?"
Your daughter loves you. No one will replace you.
If your daughter is going through this phase, just relax and sit down for a minute or two. Or five. Don't ask her to come to you, be nonchalant about it and talk about her day with the daycare provider and say that you really missed her and hope she had a good day. Your daughter will come to you. And it only takes a few minutes. At this age, if you chase them, they'll run, regardless of the situation.
Some of my kids hid from their moms so we made it a game. I told mom where they were and she looked everywhere except that place and the kids would come out on their own.
I don't know how to explain it other than it's a transition thing and if you just relax a little bit, it will fade away. Until she gets big enough to want to hide because it's fun. It might not seem fun for you, but the less you worry about it, the less the kids have an issue with it as well.
I am by no means saying you should let your child take 30 minutes to leave with you. When it's time to go, it's time to go. But, especially at 15 months old, a few minutes of transition time and taking the "rush" factor out of it really helps if you can avoid it.
I found that being quick to drop off in the mornings worked best and having a minute or two at the end of the day worked best as well.

Don't let this affect your mood if you can help it. Your child will pick up on it.
That's why I recommend just keeping it chill when you arrive at daycare.
You ARE the adult, so keep in mind how it might seem to a 15 month old who isn't doing anything wrong.
If it was a favorite grandma or auntie that she cuddled up to, would you still worry you arent' the "mama?"
Like I said, no one can replace you and there are never too many people to love your little one.
We want them to be loved and feel that security even outside ourselves, don't we?

I do home daycare. A few years ago as one of my daycare boys was leaving I said "I love you" to him. He was almost 2 and had been with me since he was 3 mos old. His mom called me that night very upset. I will tell you how the conversation went. I think that will help you.
Parent (P) Me (M) Boy (B)
P - it upset me very much that you told B you love him.
M - would it have upset you if his Grandma or Aunt had said it?
P - well, no, of course not
M - well, I see B for 50 hours a week, every week. His Grandma and Aunt see him less then that.
P - Oh...
M - Would you rather I didn't love him? I don't think so. When I was working in a center I had a director tell me I would never be a good provider until I had kids. I thought she was crazy. I LOVED those kids so much, and I knew my stuff. But after I had Tara I realized I didn't love them the same as a mother loves her kids. It is more like an Aunt loves their nieces and nephews. I love them for what they can do and who they are, but I am glad that they go home at 5. I would give my life for any daycare child if need be, but in the end, they are not my child and I do not love them the same as I love my own. They also do not love me like they love their parents. They love me like they love an aunt or grandma - fun to visit but they do like to go home at the end of the day.
*****************************************************************************
When a daycare child seems to show preference for me over the parent, it's not that they love me more, it's that they are at the stage where they like consistency and no offense but the majority of waking hours your child has is with the provider. It is not that they love the provider more, it's usually that they just had all day with that person caring for their needs. They are understanding that when they leave that person is not gone but still there so they are going to miss that person.

It will pass. In fact I predict that in a month she will start crying when you leave in the morning. THat's usually the pattern.

J.,
Don't be sad or mad. This happens all the time! You are certainly not the first mom nor the last going through this :) Kids are very smart even at that young age. Remember that she is with this person most of the day, and they do activities and fun stuff while together; so she might want to stay longer. Just try to ignore her when she does that, tell her you are leaving without her and see how she changes :) When you get home, try doing fun stuff with her so she can see that you could be just as fun. But in all, this is very normal with kids her age.
When my son when to pre-k, and I went to drop him off on the FIRST day I thought he was going to cry, this joker walked away from me without even giving me a kiss and said 'bye mom'! I was shocked!!! I cried!! of course I made him come back and give me a kiss, lol, but he loved the place and never wanted to leave. When we got home it was a different story! then he was happy and his normal self with me.
So, don't take it personal and be happy that she likes it there.
Blessings

My son was a little older when he went through this. At his last daycare, we couldn't leave fast enough. At his current daycare, we sometimes have to play for 5 minutes, or finish whatever he is doing before I even get my hug. He loves it there. That is a good thing. Think of it that way. She loves it there so much, so you know that she is being taken care of there, and is happy. Sorry it doesn't make it hurt any less, but she will come around.

I went thru this with my first son and the hurt feelings, and now with my second who is also 15 months, I look at it from a positive point. I would much rather my child be comfortable and secure than have them cry and throw a fit. My 15 month old does not run away when I come to pick him up, but does go straight to her in the morning when I drop him off. Sometimes I still get a little hurt, but I remember that he is with her for 10 hours a day, so of course he's going to feel that connection and I am grateful it is not the other way around. Like you said, you are always going to be mama, and if your provider is anything like mine, you are probably grateful that she takes such good care of your child that he feels that security with her. It will pass as he gets older, they go through phases of who they like, mom, dad, provider so this will pass too. Be grateful you have your child in such great care!

Children are the very worst that they can be when they're with their parents who love them because children know that only their parents will love them no matter how hurtful they are. My daughter does this all the time. She's so good at school and can be really unpleasant with me and I just remind myself that it's because she knows that I love her come hell or high water, and no one else feels that same way. So your LO is earning the love of her daycare teacher when she does this behavior, because she knows she already has yours no matter what. Doesn't make it feel better in the moment, but knowing this does make me feel better later.

I have an inhome childcare and noticed that it's very normal for that age. Wait till she gets close to 2 and hits another "attachment" stage......you will not be able to get her off yourself when you will be dropping her off.

I agree with the folks who have expressed that this is just about children's struggle with transitions for the most part.

I will add one thing. Give her some ritual to look forward to that she will find fun that happens at the end of this transition. Make some special fun time between you two happen as soon as you get home, or such. It doesn't have to be a terribly long amount of time, even. But something she genuinely loves to do and can look forward to doing with mommy when you get home.

A lot of us don't think about the fact that we're tired after a long day and worried about what to fix for dinner and what we should have done differently at work, and how much laundry we need to get done, and a million other things.

Sometimes when a child reacts this way, it is her way of telling you that she needs to bond with you immediately, over something you both enjoy, because she's feeling sort of adrift once she gets in that car to go home.

Yeah, we have all our own worries that will continue to spin in the background, but maybe there are at least an extra 10-30 minutes we could spend feeling good and showing her that you enjoy her and look forward to her, and want her to feel the same way about you.

If it cheers you any, my sons, grown up and living life without daycare providers were the same way. Actually they still are with other people now that I think about it. Not to fret. It really does end. Enjoy it now, someday there will be other 'favorites' or people that take away the 'favorites' and there will be a new thing. I know it is hard and I am not very adultlike myself sometimes so don't be discouraged. You are human.

I have been in your shoes with my son he rarly want to leave my Parents house and runs to them when I come in the door, but like another poster said no one can replace Mama. When there hurt, sick, tired, or need comfort the person they really want is Mama.

Oh, that would break my heart, too.

I miss being able to pick my kids up from day care and having them run into my arms. My husband has to do all the drop offs and pick-ups since I changed positions last year. That breaks my heart because there's no better feeling.

Your situation is tough, and I really don't have any substantial advice for you, sorry. But, if I were in the position, I'd keep making it a big deal when you get there and shower her with adoration and love. At 15 months, they're still trying to figure a lot out, and it would probably make the provider very self-conscious if you said something. I don't know - maybe I'd mention "Oh, I wish she'd run into my arms like that when I pick her up". I'd hope the provider would recognize the issue and correct it on her end.

Reason goes out the window when your kids are involved because the love for them is so much larger than anything else we know.

J., I was a daycare provider at an earlier age and saw the 9 month old child I was watching do the same thing...didn't want to go to her mother when she came home but wanted to stay with me. I could see the hurt it caused her mother. I have a child of my own now. He is almost 2, and he consistently calls me by his daycare provider's name for the first hour after I get home from work. It does sting, yes, but I try to be understanding. Apparently this is all normal as others have said. I liked your statement, "I am supposed to be the adult here." Sometimes it is soo hard!

I am so glad you posted this. Our son will be one next week, and he doesn't go to daycare now, but he will in the fall. I have thought about this happening to me. I agree with the other moms. She loves you more than anyone, and it is probably a phase. You are a great mom!

Your daughter looooves you. And she has found a very smart way to make sure you love her just as much. She teases you and pretends to push you away...Just to make sure you miss her and beg her to come back.

It is likely just a phase...One that is following closely on the heals of the separation anxiety phase that kicks in around 9 months.

But rest assured, every year, she will find new ways to test your love and her own independence.

Hi! I worked as a two year old teacher, and this is VERY normal. Only a few of my kids where ever excited to see their parents come to get them. It surprised me at first but I quickly got used to having a kid run up and latch hold to my leg as if for dear life. After having their childern in a daycare for a while most parents got used to it and laughed it off. Look at this way, there's lots of other kids to play with, tons of toys and always something going on. It's so much about the day care teacher as it is wanting to stay and play more. I always found that kids who went home in "the rush" left MUCH easier than the ones who didn't see anyone else leaving too. Maybe you could try and time your arrival to when a few other parents will be picking up their child? Also, maybe you could try and hang out a little more when you come to pick her up. Chat with the teacher, any other parents around, admire any classroom artwork anything really to make it a slower and easier transition. This way it'll seem less like you're suddenly "yanking" her away. Good luck, and remember, you're Mama!

Dear J.:

I really appreciated your question. I have some empathy. My 17 month old son acts pretty hyper when I arrive at his school to pick him up -- running everywhere, picking up this thing, showing me that thing, dropping one thing and zipping off to another thing. Usually, he starts crying as we put on coats and begin to leave. It's as if he realizes that he has five minutes to drink in the entire classroom before it's time to go home! And by this point in the day, he's also a little worn out. I think that being a bit manic and crying is his way of letting off steam and making the transition from school to home. Perhaps, at the end of the day, your little girl is trying to make the most of her provider's company. Our kids are developing these fascinating strategies for dealing with their own lives. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what's happening in their heads, but isn't it amazing when we can?! Good luck, J. -- you sound like an awesome mama to me!

We have gone through multiple and different stages of wanting/ not wanting to go or come home from daycare. We went through a streak where our son cried and screamed when we picked him up....it lasted a few weeks to a month..... they do grow out of it- as little comfort as that provides now. I think they start having fun and then don't want it to end. I personally think this one is easier to handle than the "don't go mommy's."
Rest assured you will always mama and there will be different stages. Our son has had mommy phases, daddy phases and babysitter phases (he has been with his sitter for 3 years). I am sure our daughter will too.

It's probably just a phase and as hard as it is, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I know it hurts my feelings when my 13 mo old would rather go to his Grandma than to me. Thankfully, he's always been a mama's boy so it doesn't last long. On the down side, my husband came with me once to pick my son up from daycare (he is always working late so this was a treat). My son saw him and instantly ran to his teacher's arms. I know it would have KILLED me, so I am sure it bothered my husband....
Either way, as you said, see it as a good sign that your daughter is comfortable with her daycare provider and remember that she loves you. Besides, it probably won't last long : )

Lots of great feedback...You are her mom and she loves you more than anything. You have to believe it! If this is who I think it is...big hugs to you and that beautiful girl of yours :) You're an awesome mom.

Hey mama! I have been an in home daycare provider provider for 6 years and I see this all the time especially between 12 to 24 months. Talk to your provider about providing your little girl with a transitional activity to prepare her for her departure from daycare such as drawing a picture, packing her bag, putting on her shoes, etc..so that when you come in she knows her day at daycare is over and it's time for mommy/daughter time. I would also suggest that you create an "after daycare" activity that you do each day when you get home so she gets excited about getting her mommy time. A walk to the park, outdoor play, or some indoor activity where you and she are interacting. I know it can be exhausting after a long day at work, but establishing a "fun time" with her may help make the transition a little easier on both of you.
Side note: I actually went through the same thing with my oldest daughter at 18months~she would actually hit me and scream that she wanted "her Paula" when I would pick her up. As an early childhood teacher I had read all about this and expected it, however, it was earth shattering when it happened to me! Take heart..it won't last forever and rejoice in the fact that you evidentally have a wonderful provider who is helping your daughter is well loved and taken care of while you have to be away.

I know my kids can't understand why Dad, a Marine, is gone so much sometimes. Even though they love him to pieces and he is very attentive when he's home there is that moment when he comes home after being gone when they bury their heads in my lap. I think it is just natural and not an indication that she loves you "less." Kids are very "in the moment" for the first few years. Sometimes it is just hard to make that transition for them when they are young. Maybe slow that transition down a bit by spending a little time with her there at the daycare before taking her home? Also look at it from her (very young) point of view. She spends most of her waking hours with someone else so that is who she is bonded to all day. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but you aren't there. Her daycare provider is providing all her daily physical and emotional needs. Imagine how hard that must be for her to have to split her trust and love and cut her some slack. Right now she doesn't understand money or personal goals or work. She doesn't get why you are gone and not caring for her during the day.

Hi J.,
Just wanted to send a big "hug" to tell you that it should just run the course. I am a daycare provider and I have seen this happen time and time again. She is enjoying playing with her friends or is attached to a toy or "feeling of secureness" of being at daycare that she just doesn't want to go. My group of 2 year olds regularly run and "hide" when their parents hit the door and say it's time to go and then they have to coax them to get their shoes on and head out. You can always talk to your provider and see if she can encourage some prep for leaving prior to your arrival, by talking it through with your child. "Your mommies will be here soon--we need to clean up this activity!" Also, I get my kids moving by having them get a project we did that day to go show their moms. "Let's all go upstairs and get our fish pictures--you did a great job, let's go show your moms!"
Good luck, feel blessed to know that you have found a loving environment for your child to be in while you are working during the day.
All the best!
Jenn Voss, Jenn's Home Daycare, Rolling Meadows

i worked in day care. this is NORMAL. and if you are bothered by it i promise it will continue for a long time. your child fusses when you leave them they fuss when you pick them up, trying to get a reaction out of you and its working...be happy your kid has a good relationship and KNOW that it is IMPOSSIBLE for that to happen unless that child has a GREAT home relationship!!! you are and will always be your childs #1 no matter how many hours a day you are apart!!!!!!!!

Hi J.,
First of all , consider it a blessing that your daughter feels cared for enough to like her daycare provider. Second , know that this is so common. Depending on how much time she spends at daycare, she will get attached to the people she spends lots of time with. She has become "friends" with them. When you are at home, spend "quality" time with her. Read to her, play, comfort her, make her feel special. This is what most daycare providers do to make kids feel comfortable while parents are away. Soon she will realize how much more you are there for her. Often our busy schedules dont allow us to do what we need to do and children need to feel love and reasurance constantly. Dont take it personally, though I know its hard. Develop a mom-child routine, and try to stick to it. Children need structure to feel secure.

J.,

I know this must be very hard for you. I think it is for any mom when our children run to someone else. Your daughter is young to really understand a conversation about how great your daycare provider is. What you should do is start a pick-up routine. Do the same thing everytime you come in and leave. Maybe if you do a slower transition out of the room/home. Make sure you say give "whomever" a hug and tell her you will see her tomorrow. Make sure she see you happy and that you can't wait for her to come back. You can tell her how much you love/like that she loves to be there. Ask the daycare provider about things she did today so you can talk with her. Also, you can talk about the other kids in the classroom and how much fun it is. Then when you get in the car, talk about you and your child and what you are going to do. So she can thing about home and mommy. Have special songs you sing in the car, or a special book/toy she can have once she is in the car. It will pass, but try and turn your mood, which can be hard into I am glad that my child loves coming here.

Good luck!