13 Year Old Hates Her Family

I am so sorry you & your family are going through this. She is a teenager, wanting to live like a 21 year old. It starts with friends. Does she have friends whose parents are very liberal? She could be upset because her friends are able to do things she is not allowed to do. Is she being bullied or picked on at school? Kids are very cruel these days and can really hurt someone's self-esteem. Sit with your daughter alone. Let her know that she might not know it now, but you really are her best friend. It takes kids to learn that when they are adults. Let her know that whatever it is, you will not get angry. She is holding something in that she needs to talk about. As a parent, it is your responsibility to find out what is bugging her. Let her know she can trust you. Whatever it is, you can work it out. Ask her what she would like for you to do. What makes her hate the family. Is it being together in public? She might get picked on at school if she is seen in public with her family. What she needs to know, is that she has a loving family & many kids now and days don't have that due to divorces, seperations, etc. She needs to realize how lucky she is. Many kids out there would give anything to have a family together. Good Luck!

One Saturday soon, have your husband take the other kids and roust your daughter early. Tell her you are equally annoyed by her so here's the deal, she can leave and you will help her get away. However, make sure she knows that the court won't let you dump her, so if you are going to really make this plan happen, you need her to promise that she won't go to the police or anything once she is out on her own. Get a documentary on runaways and have her watch it on a portable DVD player while you are driving her around on these errands: 1. Give her a grocery bill and a check for that amount to cover expenses until she gets on her feet, but remind her that she may have trouble cashing the check at a bank where she doesn't have an account already, so she will have to sort that out. 2. Take her to a goodwill store to buy a second hand duffle bag and some good outerwear for sleeping outside. 3. Take her to serve lunch at a homeless shelter so she knows what she is getting into. 4. Take her to buy a greyhound bus ticket to Oregon. 5. Hand her a stack of xeroxed medical records and tell her to keep them with her in case something happens she will need to show them to whatever doctor takes care of her. 6. Take her to meet the rest of the family for dinner at her favorite restaurant.

Hi N.,

Sit down with her and ask specifically what she hates. I'll bet money there is one issue and she hasn't narrowed it down in her head...she's just clumping all of it together. My 13 year old used to say she wanted a new family and it turned out she only wanted her sister to leave her alone, or include her, or whatever was the opposite of what was happening. PIN IT DOWN! My youngster loves her family and now admits that she really wasn't capable of making the distinctions that she wanted to. Now that she knows that we, as the parents, understand her struggles with her sis, she just goes with the flow now. Everyone in every family has a quirk here and there. Make sure your 13 year old knows that you know every nook and cranny of your home and how it functions. I think she'll appreciate you for it!

God bless!

M.

N.-
I don't even know how to approach this, but I guess directly would be the best way. Any chance she's doing drugs, drinking, or becoming sexually involved? Those are all pretty dramatic things that might show huge behavioral changes. A friend of mine was telling me about her teen and I said any chance... and got the no, absolutely not... Guess what? Arrested 3 months later for public intoxication (booze/pot). She was a bit older, but her parents had no clue.

If it's not something like the above, maybe she needs to spend some time with some kids/families that don't have everything you are providing her. Maybe she can learn to appreciate what you are giving her.

Also, if you could get to the bottom of why she wants to quit sports, you'll have your answer. Honestly, I wouldn't let my child quit sports without having something to replace it.

Does she just need some special mom time? Even though they're teens and they "hate" us they still need us to love them.

N., I wish your family the best.
S.

She sounds like a typical 13 year old to me... but if you feel like she's acting out of the ordinary, could you try sending her to a camp over spring break? (I would suggest a girls' camp - maybe your church has something?) I was a very independent teenager as well. Not a bad kid, just wanted to stretch my wings. I went to boarding school for high school and I can't tell you how much I loved my family when I got to come home during breaks! Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If she's in 8th grade now, why not consider boarding school for high school? If she's independent, then maybe getting to stand on her own two feet would be good for her and make her feel validated. Here is the school I went to, if you're curious: http://www.santacatalina.org/ - Trust me, the nuns keep a VERY close eye out for all the girls. Even though I was far from my parents, I had plenty of supervision, and my teenage years were very easy for my parents. =) I ended up at an Ivy League university and graduated in 3.5 years, so the boarding school solution really worked well for me. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Good luck to you!

Updated

She sounds like a typical 13 year old to me... but if you feel like she's acting out of the ordinary, could you try sending her to a camp over spring break? (I would suggest a girls' camp - maybe your church has something?) I was a very independent teenager as well. Not a bad kid, just wanted to stretch my wings. I went to boarding school for high school and I can't tell you how much I loved my family when I got to come home during breaks! Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If she's in 8th grade now, why not consider boarding school for high school? If she's independent, then maybe getting to stand on her own two feet would be good for her and make her feel validated. Here is the school I went to, if you're curious: http://www.santacatalina.org/ - Trust me, the nuns keep a VERY close eye out for all the girls. Even though I was far from my parents, I had plenty of supervision, and my teenage years were very easy for my parents. =) I ended up at an Ivy League university and graduated in 3.5 years, so the boarding school solution really worked well for me. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Good luck to you!

Could she be depressed?

Whenever one of ours begins to act up we give them more one on one time. She needs some daddy daughter dates and mommy daughter days. Teenagers need more positive attention.

I'd ask her point blank exactly what it is she hates. Tell her to be specific and list off what's bothering her right on down the line. There might be something that can be changed, or if it's not something that's changeable, then she's going to have to find a healthy way to cope with it. If she can pick another sport or physical activity (dancing, skating, taekwondo, gymnastics, etc) then let her change with the understanding that whatever she picks she is going to have to stick with it for (pick a reasonable amount of time - a year - a season, etc) before she can change to something else.
When she's done listing all her pet peeves, have her list what she likes and what is working for her. It's good to count your blessings and it's a habit she might start getting into right now.
There are people who are surrounded with all of life's luxuries and they are miserable and they don't know what to do with themselves. And there are people who have almost nothing, and they are happy. We are pretty much as happy as we make up our minds to be. If you can't change your circumstances, sometimes the only thing you can change is the way you think about it. Some gratitude in your attitude can be a real mood lifter.

Maby try asking her Dr. for aadvice... she may need some counceling... or even some one at your church, like a youth pastor... they might be able to give her an outlet other than you and her father to express her feelings to... it almost sounds like she may be depressed. Depression in no way is connected to your parenting skills, it is a chemical imbalance. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking advice on this issue! I hope you are able to get your beautiful loving daughter "back" soon!