12 Yr-old Son and Girls. Help!!

I have a 17-year old girl, a 15-year old boy, and a 13-year old boy. I can completely relate. My oldest two are clear that they are waiting to get involved with the whole dating thing until they meet a really special person and that they have a better handle on who they are before they jump into including someone else into their chaos of teenagehood.

Now my youngest is on his second "girlfriend" already. He is this amazingly outgoing, charming, live-life-to-the-fullest, kind of guy.

How do I deal? Well, first and foremost we have already established open, clear, direct communication. I have made sure that they have all the information I have to give them about sex, drugs, relationships, knowing who you are, listening to your intuition, saying no, respecting others, etc.

I make sure that I am informed about what is really happening with kids their ages so that I don't walk around with blinders on; pretending that my children aren't being exposed to the things they are definitely being exposed to. Denial, wishing, expectations, etc., will not serve my children. I definitely don't buy in to the belief system that telling your children about something (ie sex) will cause them to do it. I believe in just the opposite. I know from my own experience that ignorance (lack of information) is dangerous and even lethal.

Second, I believe that my children are here for their own journey and I need to hold space for them to have it. I work on releasing my fears and worries and allowing for the fact that they each have access to their own divine guidance. Since they were little and learning to climb on the jungle gym at the park, I have tried to allow for the reality that they will make mistakes, they will get hurt, and that it is how we all learn and grow.

I have learned to resource my fears, care for myself, have a life beyond just motherhood while making motherhood my priority, and keeping my eyes, ears, mind and heart open. I have learned to respect my children's inner wisdom and ability to solve their own problems. And on those lovely occasions when I find myself overcome by my own fears and tread on my children's space, I own it, I apologize, and I resource myself once again.

I sometimes get concerned that my youngest is headed down a slippery slope and he may be, however, I am doing everything I can to continue listening, sharing information (without lecturing and preaching), and allowing him to choose. I think choice (informed choice) is the greatest gift we can give anyone. It is terriying and yet, I and everyone I know has survived their choices (good or bad) and those are all the things that have contributed to us becoming who we are today.

I hope this helps. I love this website and am so grateful for the chance we have to help each other out with this most challenging of all "jobs"--motherhood! In support of You, T.

no expert here but was curious to see responses. my going into 9th grade boy is a flirt--so I was curious to see what is up.
I want to tell you how awesome it is that your son told you there was kissing going on and that he didn't feel like doing it. Kudos to you for having an open relationship where he feels safe to share. that is probably the answer anyway, keep it open and safe to talk. and find out how he wants to handle the girls knocking down the door...mom's can be the "mean person" and help their kids out of really awkward situations if you guys are talking about stuff.

Thanks for sharing, and all the helpful responses. I'd just add that as a teen, I outwardly complained but inwardly was grateful for clear rules from my parents about phone use, curfew, etc. It helps a lot to be able to blame your "strict/ over-protective" parents for not letting you do something that may put you in an awkward situation. Blessings!

Hi S.,

As the mom of a 9 year old girl, you reminded me how much I am dreading all of these issues!!

But as a psychotherapist, I hear this all too often. It sounds like both of your children have good heads on their shoulders and good values. The fact that your son told you about the kissing indicates his willingness to share things with you and that he values your input (he surely knew you would have an opinion about that!).

My advice is (and I think Carrie P summed it up nicely) to have unwavering rules and expetations. I would go over these as a family, asking his input. Things like can he receive calls from girls, if so how many/how late/how long can the calls last/where must he be when he's on the phone. Can girls come over, does he have a cell phone- if so do you have access to the calls and texts. Establish the basic rules for when he is home (and for cell phone issues, when he is anywhere!).

From there I would make sure to talk not only about your values and what you don't want him to do (kissing, etc). But also talk about what he CAN do. If he is interested in a girl what can he do (this is important for him to have input here). Can he write her notes? hold hands? sit together? talk on the phone? On and on. He may have much more innocent ideas than you realize, which is why it's important to have his input. If he thinks winking at her is a huge step you don't want to not know that and tell him you're o.k. if he hugs a girl!!

Anyway, that's my advice. Also, make sure to keep the conversations open, and ongoing. Talking in the car when it's just the two of you is always great. Not so formal or intimidating (or embarrassing!).

Good luck. Watch for my desperate posts in about three years!! :-)

I'm not really sure what advice to give you but I wanted to let you know how jealous I am of you. My 13 year old son has struggled all year from bullying because although he likes girls he's only too good at letting them know he isn't interested in relationships or physical contact. He has too much going for him to start this early and it has caused him to be called "fag" and "gay" which is so hurtful. So, as much as you may not like that he seems ready to connect with girls it seems from your post that you did a great job giving him the background he will need to be responsible about it. If they come knocking or calling at inappropriate times just lay down some house rules and stick to them.

Just a little input because I have a daughter who just graduated and a fourteen year old son. My daughter always had boyfriends but we kept a very open relationship at all times. She is very focused and understands the concept that what she does now is building her future. I think it is so much easier to relate to a girl, but she always listened to my input and took over from there. My son does not seem to be interested in girls. Yesterday he told me that a girl wrote something about him being hot and she wanted to get to know him better in his year book. I just smiled and said, "Is she hot?" I didn't want to do it in a judgemental way, but I still wanted to find out what was going on. He told me that she is hot and her friends are hot, but he has no interest in them. I feel better because he was open and I know him a little more each day.
I feel that an open line of conversation is the best. I try to be as open-minded as I can and my kids have always told me a lot. It is definately different from when we grew up. Keeping an open line for conversation always gives people lots of self-esteem. That is so important in any relationship. Just because the girls are throwing themselves at your son doesn't mean he has to reciprocate. I feel that is when it is important to pump him full of self-esteem. Make sure that he realizes that there will always be temptations but it is up to him whether he wants to be tempted.

Make sure he knows the rules that you set about phone call, knocks on the door, and curfew. He will respect you, if not now, later in life. Do not waiver on these!