10 Yr Old Boys and Chores

Hi S.!

My sons did/do this. Here are the many carrots and sticks that take the pain from me and put it on them...

1) Allowance based on completion of chores. My sons DO NOT earn allowance (nor do I buy them stuff) if they don't pull their weight around the house.

2) If you're negative about chores, you get to do more chores.

3) When chores are done to mom's satisfaction, you get to _____ (play wii, play with friends, bike ride, have friends over, movies, fill in the blank).

My youngest once took ALL DAY to put away some laundry. Phone calls were held. Friends were turned away. He missed watching a dvd. No trampoline time. I've even had to resort parking a chair near his work spot to be a physical presence while he worked (I used the time to read, so it was fun for me) just to keep him going. He got the message.

My most extreme action was with my oldest boy, two years ago. He "didn't feel like" doing his chores...and I "didn't feel like" taking him to his school dance. His chores were done in record time and he barely made it to the dance before the doors "closed."

I rarely have problems with chores now. And when I do, whoops! There go the priveleges. No fighting, no hassling...my boys know the drill.

I realize this may sound harsh to many, but I emphatically disagree. I've been teaching jr. high and high school for 16 years and I've noticed a steady decline in students who regularly do chores. At the same time, I've seen a steady increase in selfish, self-absorbed, "entitlement" attitudes (more so than you'd expect from the average teen). Yes, I believe they are connected because the students everybody likes, the students who work hard and, most importantly, the students who are the first to get jobs in our small town are those who do their chores. Why? They've learned responsibility!

Good luck, S.. It is a winnable fight and one worth fighting, in my opinion.

Hi S., I think you may want to look at this from a different perspective, he's only there 4 days a week, he may feel like he's there to do chores, it's more like he's visiting than living there, I'm not saying this is how he feels, but it could be. When he takes a long time, does he do a good job? some kids rush through chores and do them half well you know, what I would do, is ask him if he can do this or that, and then tell him when your done, we can go shoping, or go eat, something, where something fun or something together that comes at the end of a chore, it doesn't have to be everyday. If he lived there full time, then yea, have a small chore list, but who does these chores when he's not there? also if he knows there's going to b something fun afterwards, or something he likes to do, he will probably do these chores in a more timely fashion. Hope this helps. J. L.

Hi S.: SH made some good observations and points,so I won't chatter on,however I'll tell you what I learned from my boys at that age.I was divorced from their father when they were about 7 and 9. Don't ask me why,but even at that young age,boys tend to feel they must assume the role of "man of the house" or "Protector" Once,I walked in late from work,and my oldest was sitting in his dads old lounge chair,with this disgusted look on his face. He said "Where the hell have you been? "We've been worried" "We thought something happened to you? I was taken aback,and about to ask him who he thought, he was,when his eyes filled up,and he began to cry. He was genuinely concerned,and over come with worry,and I of course felt terrible. When you divorced your husband,your son took on the responsibility of looking out for you.He isn't there with you all the time,but when he is,there's a special loyalty there,one which you may or may not realize exists.I found out from conversation with my sons,that it embarrassed them,for me to bark orders at them in front of my fiance. They knew they had to do their chores,but to take orders,in front of a man that was stepping in and taking over their role,bothered them. They would take their time,and act as though they weren't going to do it.When they finally did,they would walk at a snails pace. I think it makes more sense,to jot down what and approximately when they need to do chores,and allow them some room,to feel they are doing this on their own accord. I wish you and your son the best.

Hi Shannon,
It is normal for kids to procrastinate on doing something they don't enjoy. I taught elementary school for 17 years and have seen every form of self-distraction imaginable not to mention every excuse. One trick I learned was to set a timer for a reasonable amount of time. If they didn't have done what I asked them to complete than they would lose one minute of free time every time I reset the timer. Eventually they were able to complete their work before the timer was up. This works for both chores and for homework. This being said, if your child is easily distracted, you may have to have him complete one chore (or one homework assignment) at a time and reset the timer with each task. For some children multiples tasks can be overwhelming. Eventually as they become confident it taking on one task at at time, you can two, then three, etc.

Hi S.,
I have three boys, 9, 10 and 12. They all do chores. sometimes they do them with a great attitude, and sometimes they kick (literally kick the walls), scream, cry, argue, question, whine...and that is hell. Our 9 yr old is slow at doing everything. He just gets distracted with anything--his own thoughts, a sound, his brothers...

We have tried everything. Now we use a grab bag. We just started this and it has been working.
I took them to the 99c store and they each picked out about 10 things they wanted, and I bought them. I put them in seperate bags--they each have their own bags.
They each have to do (or not do ) things each day to accumulate 10 points for a grab in the bag. If they dont get 10 points, they dont get the grab bag that night. The points start over the next day. No carrying points over, no starting with negative points. Here's what we give them points for.

good attitude all day --2 pts
no cussing --2 pts (for our oldest)
making bed in morning, brushing teeth and being ready for school on time --2 pts
finishing homework in a timely manner --1 pt
finishing nightly chore in a timely manner --1 pt
eating healthy --1 pt (our oldest was eating so many starchy snacks after school that he wouldnt be hungry for dinner)
working out --1 pt (this is again to try to instill some healthy habits with the oldest boy. it started as doing some push ups, sit ups, jump roping. but then we got him a gym membership so he can also gain confidence)

There was a couple more but I dont remember what they were. I also gave them the grab bag a couple nights if they really helped out a lot. Their attitude has changed a lot. They think about the grab bag all day long. Now all I have to say is, "that behavior is not the kind that will get you the grab bag," and they stop and appologize.

Anyway, Good luck, and I hope this helps.
M.

Hey S., I have 4 kids (16, 14, 3.5 and 22months) and one step (15) who is here for the summer. We have a printed out chore list, we have for years, and each one knows what is expected of them. Maybe, he needs a little incentive. With my 3.5 yr old daughter, we just added her to the chore list this summer, she will be 4 in July. She has to clean her room every day before Daddy gets home and she gets a sticker. After 5 stickers in a row, consecutive days, she will get a small treat/toy. She has been doing this one week and has yet to get 5 days in a row. It takes my older ones all of 30min tops. THey each have to make their beds, pick up stuff from the floor of their room, like dirty clothes, and keep their bathroom nice looking, straighten towels. THen they have their chores, which consist of sweeping the hardwood floors, vaccuuming the carpeted rooms (which is 2 bedrooms and a rug under the kitchen table) mopping the restrooms/kitchen, sweeping the poches, watering plants and cleaning sinks/toilets. Granted, they are older then your son, but they have been doing this for years now, since before his age. Just keep on him, have him do them first thing in the morning after breakfast, tell him no playing with friends until they are done, no TV until they are done, NOTHING, until they are done and see if that motivates him.

CHores are a great way to form a kid into a clean, responsible person, ready for the world when they are 18 or older, in my opinion.

Goood luck!
M.

We take away a quarter from their allowance every time we have to remind them to do their chore and a dollar if we end up doing it ourselves. Sounds like he's testing you to see what he can get away with. Good luck!

This is absolutely normal. That doesn't mean it's acceptable. If he's rude, he loses a privilege. Give him a time limit; if he's not done in the time limit, he loses a privilege. Spend as little time as possible reminding or checking up; just lay out the consequence and let him succeed or fail on his own. He'll learn that it's in his best interest to co-operate.

I have little ones but I went to a parenting talk & this lady was awesome. She said she doesn't think chores should equal an allowance. You do chores to live in this house. She said give the kids more control. Tell them for example the dishwasher needs to be emptied & please do it before dinner. That way it's on them. If they don't do it then you have to come up with some consequences. She says make a job list. Let them know this needs to be done by a day of the week. Then maybe a little a note the next day: Friendly reminder from mom: To be completed by dinnertime on Sunday:
1. Your room
2. Your bathroom
3. Vacuum the whole house

Hope this helps. For consequences she does things like taking time away from something they like. Rather than skip the party all together, they go to the party but he/she has to sit with her for the 1st 15mins. & then can join. Same with the park or a movie on tv. They have to miss part of it. She thinks it's more affective than missing it all together.

Great speaker! Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel, she has a website parentingsos.com, also several books that are awesome! hope this helps

S.-
I am in the same boat. My son is 10. He will take all weekend just to clean his room! We are constantly on him trying to motivate him to hurry up. "if you get your room done, you can play with your friends" or "if you get your room done we can go to the beach" Seriously, NO luck! when it comes to homework, that's a nightmare! he gets home at 3, has a snack, start homework 3:30-4ish and he doesn't finish till 9! That's if it even gets finished. He constantly gets side tracked & we are constantly reminding him to stay on task & finish one project, subject, what ever at a time. Patients is a virtue! Good luck :)

There is a parenting site called Love and Logic that has a whole book devoted to kids and chores/homework! I "read" the books by listening to CDs in my car. Totally worth the money. Their website also has free audio downloads and podcasts. They have great ideas for exactly this issue... have worked for our family, so I recommend them! www.loveandlogic.com
Good luck!

Each person is different. I'm sure as an adult, you have known people with differing work speeds, right? Well a child is no different.

Maybe, make a chore list. THEN, along with that... make a time schedule. Some people (adults and children alike) just don't know "how" to prioritize themselves, nor "organize" in their heads what to tackle first. I know that some people just get so overwhelmed with thinking about it, that they NEVER get anything done, much less finish a task. This goes for anyone child or adult.

So.. maybe his chore is to collect the trash. Well, tell him that it goes out on Tuesday nights... he should collect his trash and the bathroom trash. Then tell him it needs to go outside before 6:00pm, and he has until then to complete it.
This therefore gives him a TANGIBLE time-frame AND what the expectations are for him.... s-p-e-l-l-e-d out clearly. So there is no guess work involved.

Perhaps by giving him a CLEAR idea of what to do AND "when" to do it by... he will be able to gauge himself and pace himself.

In terms of homework, if he does not get it done... then he does not. My Uncle, had a son (my cousin) like that when my cousin was in elementary school. For the times my cousin did not do his homework or just never got around to it despite parental supervision or assistance... then my Uncle would jump right in and "save" him and basically do the homework for him giving him the answers. Well, this just made my cousin even more lazy. So then, my Uncle sent my cousin to school a few times with uncompleted homework... then he had to "explain" to the Teacher HIMSELF why it was not completed. After doing this a few times... he got more responsible for himself, and self-directed. NOW... he graduated high school in the top of his class AND went to a top ivy league school where he as recruited for a job even before graduating college and he is now making a 6 figure income. How's that for learning discipline and self-motivation?
Well but that is just one example.

Some people just need help organizing themselves because they just don't know how to do it on their own... and just thinking about it makes them unenthusiastic about it all and it makes the "chore" even MORE un-attainable for the individual.

So, perhaps if he is taught, HOW to organize himself, that may help him. He has to get a system for himself, that is workable... and soon he will be in Middle School and the "demands" will be higher... and less excuses will be tolerable.

But your son is also giving you "attitude." Okay, so at each age they have varying "sassy" back talk phases. Fine. BUT, don't allow him to do that.. tell him you are his MOM, not a doormat. If he wants respect, he has to give it too.
If he does not do his responsibilities...then privileges get taken away. If he gives you attitude for that... tell him, that if he does, then he can make his own dinner and do his own laundry, since cooking & laundry is a "chore" for you too. Tell him that if he wants dinner and his clothes washed he must "ask you", just as you "ask" him to do HIS "chores." Then maybe he will realize how it feels... to be on the other end of the stick.
-The thing is, he is not doing chores for "himself"...OTHERS are reliant on him too, and what he gets done. So, if he doesn't take out the trash for example, it piles up and makes it unpleasant for EVERYONE at home, including himself. If you don't cook or do laundry... then NO ONE eats or has clean nice smelling clothes. So, maybe, he needs to SEE that, the BIG picture of everything... it is not just HIM and what he does... but what he does as a PART of the home... since HE is a part of that too, right? At a certain age... a child NEEDS to know that... what they do or don't do has a "domino effect" and affects EVERYONE in the family. And sometimes, you just have to do something even if you don't want to. After all, who wants to do "chores"? Its just something that has to get done, like it or not.

This is a crucial age and time... as he hits the teens it will either get worse or not. So, gauge him and direct him as to what is expected.

Sit down with him. Are the both of you close? Just talk with him, build a rapport (before he does hit the teens and closes you off from anything private)... so that it builds a SOLID foundation between the both of you and a common respect.

Ask him "WHY do you get sarcastic to me????" (pregnant pause). Ask him that. Make him think about it and ANSWER you about it. Don't judge him, but tell him you REALLY want to know WHY he talks to you that way. Then, from there... talk it out... see if you can both come to an understanding about each other and HOW the household should work.... as a TEAM, together. Tell him, you are his MOM. His one and only Mom.... don't take it for granted and that you love him no matter what... some kids don't even have that. AND it takes Mother AND son to help each other.... that you know he is growing up... but he is still a part of you...and he is your son... and he needs to do his part.

Perhaps, approaching him this way, may make him think twice. Or simply listen to what he has to say...

I think, whatever is taught to him now, will lay the groundwork for his teen years... and so its important to work on it "together" now.

I know for my kids, they LOVE to know that they "made Mommy happy...." and it coaxes them to do more and that if I want them to do something... they can do it, not only my way, but that they have their own ideas about how to get it done too.

Here's some links on what 10 year olds do, and can do as chores (show it to your son and maybe he will feel "lucky" he does not have as much chores as other kids his age)http://www.handipoints.com/mommypoints/work-ethic/top-ten...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006052646645

All the best,
Susan