10-Year-old Picky Eater

I was having a battle with my son over dinner every night. Everything that I made he said he didn't like, even some of his favorites. I came up with the idea that he could choose what was for dinner one night a week (within reason - no ice cream for dinner or anything like that). Once a month we let him choose that we can go to any restaurant for dinner on his night if he would like, but you might not want to do that since your daughter eats out a lot with her Dad. On the nights where I choose what is for dinner, if he doesn't like it then he can eat carrots with dressing and grapes. I let him choose the carrots and grapes, but the rule was he had to choose a fruit and a vegetable. For the first few weeks, I made sure I always had carrots and grapes in the house. The first few days of the plan went well, then we had something that he didn't like (although he had eaten it many times before, he was just testing the plan) so I said fine, you don't have to eat it and I got him carrots and grapes and he ate them. Ever since then, we haven't had much of a problem at all. I think he felt that things were being forced upon him and once I gave him a say in the process on a consistent basis he felt much better. There are nights that he doesn't eat so well, but overall he does pretty well and it helps to look at the big picture, not just one particular meal.

I wouldn't worry too much about her just eating a few different types of fruit. Just have the other types available, stick them on the table without saying anything and I bet one day she will surprise you and try some. Don't make a big deal out of it (you don't want her to think that you are "winning" the power struggle), just note to yourself that it is another fruit to add to the list and serve it again.

Also, I like Jennifer's suggestion of having her cook the meal. Since your daughter is a little older, perhaps you can update my plan to say she can choose and can cook what is for dinner one night a week. Remember to make it positive, not negative, that she gets to cook.

I do think that you are making TOO much of an issue out of this and are in danger of her developing eating issues. First-you need to be respectful of the fact that she doesn't like something. What if someone sat you down and made you eat something that YOU don't like? She is 10 and able to determine for herself what she likes. I am sad for you both that it became a huge fight over an APPLE! (I feel the same way about apples-sometimes they are super good but you can definitely get a bland or a mushy one.) I do see your frustration though-I have picky eaters of my own. And very randomly picky which is irritating. But I never force it on them. I respect that they don't like it.
By setting up eating as a huge issue and having battles over it you may force her into secret eating or binge eating with her Dad. I would totally pull back from talking about food with her. Offer her only healthy foods -maybe take her to the store to get an idea of what she may like. Also-buy a cookbook that has healthy foods in it but prepared well. I always like Cooking Light for this. They offer re-dos of classic recipes that make it lighter and just as good. you could even ask her to cook with you. I also want to tell you that you should NOT mention her weight to her as a reason not to eat certain foods. Doing this can push her to an ED as well. And-please don't "charge" for food not eaten. Cleaning the plate is a habit that has been proven to lead to obesity. You stop eating when you are full-no matter what is left.

My son went through a picky phase about the same age, especially once he realized that his father (who does not live with us) eats a very limited variety of foods. For example, he decided that he would only eat corn as a veggie and began to refuse foods that he normally ate. Since I refused to run a short order kitchen for him I continued to prepare healthy, balanced meals incorporating some of his new food requirements into the meals.

I did remove all snacks and "junk" from the house. If he did not eat dinner he was welcome to pick his own food and fix himself something else. He ate a lot of peanut and jelly sandwiches and canned mandarin oranges!

The big key here, for us - was I refused to turn dinner time into a battle. I think once he realized that I was not going to make meal time a big deal, his refusal to eat lost its "power". It was, for him, a control issue.

You need to keep providing healthy meals, let her eat what she wants from those meals. Keep healthy alternatives in the house and let her fix her own meal from those if she wants to refuse the prepared meal. Don't battle over the dinner table. This is a control issue. Once she refuses food, you get angry and upset, and that gives her all the power. You cannot force them to eat at this age. But you can control how you handle the situation.

It is also okay if she grows up to be a woman who only eats three foods. My cousin eats a very limited selection of foods, but she always has a balanced meal and she is one of the brightest women I know. We just make sure to have extra mashed potatoes and peas at all holiday dinners!

This will work out fine - please don't let dinner choices turn into a major wedge between you and your daughter.

I don't have any good suggestions, but maybe this will be a ray of hope:

I was a very picky eater, and ate PB sandwiches often for lunch and for dinner--probably 3 or more times per week for dinner and every day for lunch. I gradually expanded my selections over time, and was eating "normally" by the time I was in high school. In late college and as an adult on my own and with my DH, I have definitely branched out with my tastes, and now regularly make and eat tex-mex, stirfry/Chinese, and India, as well as experimenting with different recipes.... so there is hope! LOL.

Joking aside, you do have my sympathy, and I hope you can find a solution that works. I like the idea of having her help you make meals, and just keep giving her health choices.

You might also broach the subject of your concerns about healthy eating with her dad, if there's enough respect for each other to do so without it turning into a battle or being used manipulatively, etc. At the very least, perhaps he can start steering her toward the healthier choices on the menu. McD's has fruit smoothies; I think Subway's & BK has yogurt parfait, and BK has apple slices instead of fries; Wendy's offers mandarin oranges instead of fries. And many sit-down places have "heart healthy choices" and/or offer their nutrition info online for review or by request in the restaurant.

There have been studies that children who are provided with appropriate options and allowed to totally pick their own foods, will ultimately over time, pick what their bodies need. So one day, she may eat a lot of fruit and the next day none, but that's okay. Children's taste buds are more acute than ours so they rarely like the same variety of fruits and vegetables that adults like and as long as they have an open attitude to trying new foods, they still add to their favorites as they grow up. I think forcing kids to eat what they don't like creates as many adult picky eaters as not offering options. Offer lots of healthy options and I think it is okay to require children to try what's on their plate - make it a game, make a chart of Foods I Have Tried and let her rate it 1 to 5 stars. Also, another note, you need to work with your ex on approaching eating the same way - agree on what you are going to do, even working with a counselor on compromise if you have to, so you are both on the same page. Children of divorced parents need one set of rules. Nothing about being divorced should change how you would have parented the child if you stayed together.

What happens when she doesn't like/eat what is served? Does she then get to "snack" on something else after the meal is over? Is she still hungry? What does she do in between meals?

She will have no incentive to try or eat healthy foods, if she can wait and eat what she likes after she gets up from the table, OR if she can fill up enough beforehand.

My son has a good friend, that around that same age, would still only eat fish sticks, mac and cheese and plain hamburgers from McD's. It was a NIGHTMARE having him over to spend the night. I do go thru fast food places when I have to for my kids (we are not at home at dinner 2x a week due to after school activities), but when I am home, I try to cook a healthy meal with one starch and lots of fresh/frozen veggies. I refuse to cook a separate meal for a guest, but felt like a bad hostess when the child was hungry. Good thing he liked popcorn, I guess. The kid wouldn't even eat Pizza. It was ridiculous. It was just years of his mom catering to him. Your daughter may end up in a similar situation if she doesn't learn to eat a larger variety. She may not get invited places...
I have a picky daughter, so I know a little bit about being picky. But she is picky in terms of not eating "kid" food. She doesn't like Mac n cheese! But she'll eat all kinds of meat and raw veggies. She doesn't like them cooked and covered in sauces, however. So I would suggest that you start with that with your daughter. Ask her to help you peel some carrots for a salad with dinner. Then let her eat the "salad" items separately. My kids learned to eat carrots, cucumbers, celery, radishes, red bell pepper and black olives this way. My daughter will still eat ALL of these things, but not mixed together in a salad. A little bit of ranch dressing for dipping can go a long way. These days, I have to watch the raw veggies sitting on the counter waiting for dinner... or they'll disappear!!

You 'll have to get her dad on your side. If she gets the love and logic thing from both then she will learn otherwise she will just wait and until it is her time with her dad and then end up eating extra while with him.

Given her age. If she complains then ask her to cook the next night. She is old enough to plan out a meal and do the majority if the work. I bet she already knows the food pyramid. Don't assume that she doesn't. Have her wright out the menu and find the recipes she wants to try. If you have time to take her shopping for the food then do so otherwise just get the stuff for her while she is in school.