1 Year Old (12 Month) Biting

I am not a big guilt and shame person. In fact, I go to extreme lengths to work around and avoid it...I think that 95% of guilt and shame are wasted emotions that merely screw up peoples lives. That said...This is where I get to admit to sounding heartless.

Biting and hitting/punching were the first things I intentionally made my son cry over. He was about a year and a half. Wheeeee....Gawd I hated doing that. The biting lasted less then a week, and the hitting about a month. We used the whole thing as a "learn to identify, and how to deal with negative emotions" learning experience, but I did SERIOUSLY guilt trip him into tears over it.

Granted he was crying to begin with. I ignored whatever he was upset about (I think he had skinned his knee -not badly) and asked him if he liked how he felt? I then pointed out all the things that go along with crying because something hurts, and how HE HAD MADE "little suzy" feel JUST LIKE HE DID NOW when he bit her. I intentionally heaped it on, making him cry harder, before I comforted him. I DID, of course comfort him, and then we did the "How Much Do I Love You Game" (There's a GREAT book called "Mama, do you love me?" that we based this game off of.

http://www.amazon.com/Mama-Do-You-Love-Me/dp/087701759X?

Then, whenever he went to bite/hit someone I would remind him of how he felt when he skinned his knee and cried. This was also when we started learning to take a deep breath and count to five. I would have him repeat after me...I don't think in the beginning he even knew they were numbers (I could have had him memorize a recipe for Paprikash, for all it mattered, what counted was the time spent remembering and counting vs. swirling in the emotion.) We used this period as a huge emotional development tool (in word and action and in starting to develop empathy).

So that's the hard part. The great part was that he had a very early emotional vocabulary (because we talked about it and identified), and has been using using tools (like time outs, taking a deep breath and counting, "t'ink about it", the "and then what?", problem solving & laughter) since he was very little.

I know everyone has different methods for this, but case specifically, this was ours.

I have had a lot of years as a childcare professional and I am the mother of a "biter". I know exactly how you feel. I swore up and down that "my child will NEVER be like that", and low and behold...

I have always had children "treat the wound". When they bite, I show them where they bit, (even if there is no mark) and I make them hold a cold pack on the bite after making them wash it. The act of having to physically make the other child feel better seems to get through to them.

Let your child care provider know that this is (if you agree and want to at least try) what you want to happen for a consequence and they should be more than happy to go along with it.

If that doesn't work after a week or two, shadowing is also a great idea. Have the teacher shadow your child and step in whenever a situation arises. Have her be the voice for your child. When someone tries to take her toy, she can say "no, it her turn, you can wait until she's done" and don't give yoru child time to bite or the other child time to "rob" her. When she tries to bite, the teacher will be right there to stop it. This also works for some children when done right.

Yes, dear heart = is is VERY normal for toddlers- and here's why. Toddlers are figuring out that they have no power -- other kids are bigger or more muscley and grab toys away- grownups- can pick you up and carry you away just when you were having SO much fun. You can't use your words very well- and your body is too small to resist. BUT YOU CAN BITE. Even great big kids cry and run when you do that- you have POWER. And grown ups are completely YOURS when you bite - they look right at you- they run to you - they talk to you- WOW.

So what to do -??? -- be so ''on top'' of her that she doesn't get a chance to bite - but do it in a way that makes her THINK what you are interested in is her playing ''' oh, I love the way you and Theresa are building blocks '' ''' I am so happy to see you playing with the RED one -''' and when she bites or tries to -- your manner to her must be '' you bit- you sit'' - and walk her AWAY from where she was playing and have her sit down with you not paying any attention to her as a person- but gently enforcing ''you sit''' - she only gets the sunshine of your attending, chatting, praising, and well-- for lack of a better word '''''gushing''' when she's playing nicely--

tht make sense???

when she makes that particular error--- you are not punishing -you are calm and rather uninterested in anything except ''you sit''' -- but when she is doing it right-- SUPER - turn on the sunshine of your attention. ( and when 2 minutes are up - that's an eternity for little ones - get down on her level- look her in the eye and say'''' no biting, - are you ready'???? and when she says yes or nods- she gets a nice warm hug - and --you say'' super-- go have fun!'''

Blessings,

J.

L.,

Unfortunately this is one of those phases that kids go through that we have no control over. It is very common for kids at this age to bite. They want to communicate, but aren't verbal yet. Like you've said often they will bite in frustration, anger, jealousy, you name it.

My 17 month old daughter will "bite" my son when he won't play with her. In this instance my son is a bit of a wimp and whines that she bit him when all he felt was her teeth as she's kissing him. No slober, no marks, nothing.

Some things to try:
1) Remind her no biting when you go somewhere or drop her at daycare. If she does bite at the playground/park leave. Tell her as you're leaving that if she can't play nice and no bites, then she doesn't get to play. My son recently got over a phase where he'd get so excited about something that he wind and wind and wind up, then he'd explode with a hit/kick/punch/etc. He meant nothing by it, but just didn't know how to control the feelings.

2) See if the daycare will put a shadow you your daughter that is responsible for her and only her. I worked at a daycare for a while, and for her age the ratio is 1 adult/teacher per 7 kids. I don't know about you, but I have a hard enough time keeping track of my 2 kids at the mall when we go out. The shadow is a 1:1 and would be the voice for your daughter. The shadow is there to diffuse the situation ***before*** an attempt at a bite can happen. Things like "No! that's MY toy right now" "That's my food, not yours" "Hey! I was playing with that, give it back!" are phrases that an effective shadow should be saying, and also putting actions to words. If a kid takes a toy from your daughter the shadow should say "I was playing with that, give it back!" at the same time that s/he is giving the toy back to your daughter.

Hope this helps,
Melissa