Discover eight research-backed strategies to help your kids navigate emotions—without taking on their emotional burdens. Learn how to provide support while maintaining healthy boundaries. Bonus: These tips work for partners too!
Emotional Caretakers
As primary caretakers, we are often the emotional anchors of our households. We soothe tears, navigate meltdowns, and support our partners when they’ve had a rough day. But here’s the tricky part: while we can help our loved ones regulate their emotions, we are not responsible for how they feel. There’s a balance between providing comfort and carrying the emotional burden of everyone around us.
Recent research by Carolyn MacCann and colleagues has identified eight key strategies people use to help others manage their emotions. Their study, originally intended for an academic audience, explores how we influence the emotions of those around us. In this article, we’re translating that research into real-world strategies that moms can use to support their children and partners—without overwhelming themselves in the process.
The Science Behind These Strategies
Not all emotional support strategies work the same way in every situation. Research shows that some approaches work best before emotions escalate, while others are more useful once emotions are already heightened. Additionally, some strategies require deep engagement and emotional investment, while others involve simple, low-effort shifts in focus. By recognizing which strategy fits a given situation, moms can offer the right kind of support at the right time.
Researchers have identified eight key strategies people use to help others manage their emotions. Let’s explore how these strategies can help your kids and partner feel better—without overwhelming yourself in the process.
1. Expressive Suppression (Not Always the Best Choice)
Best Used When: Emotions are already high, and immediate de-escalation is necessary. However, this should not be the default approach as it does not help process emotions. Telling someone to “calm down” or “stop crying” might seem like a quick fix, but it often suppresses emotions rather than helping. Since this strategy happens late in the emotional process and requires low engagement, it tends to be less effective.
Try Instead: Validate their emotions first (“I see you’re upset”) before helping them shift focus.
2. Downward Social Comparison
Best Used When: A child or partner is stuck in negativity, and gentle encouragement toward gratitude could help shift their perspective—without dismissing their feelings. This is the classic “Some kids don’t even have toys” approach. It’s a low-engagement strategy that relies on shifting focus, but it can make kids feel like their emotions don’t matter.
Try Instead: Encourage gratitude without dismissing feelings. (“It’s okay to feel disappointed, but let’s also think about what’s going well.”)
3. Humor: A Mom’s Superpower
Best Used When: The situation is not too emotionally intense, and the person is open to a lighter perspective. A silly dance, a goofy voice, or a funny distraction can break tension in seconds. Humor works by modifying the situation and shifting attention, making it a useful tool for reducing stress.
Use With Caution: If your child or partner is deeply upset, humor can feel dismissive. Make sure they’re ready for a laugh before cracking a joke.
4. Distraction: Redirecting Attention to Reduce Stress
Best Used When: Emotions are mild to moderate, and shifting focus can prevent escalation. When emotions run high, sometimes the best move is to shift focus. This low-engagement strategy helps when emotions are manageable but not overwhelming.
Why It Works: If your toddler is frustrated about a toy, suggesting a different game can work wonders. If your partner had a hard day, offering to watch a favorite show together can help them decompress.
5. Direct Action: Fixing What Can Be Fixed
Best Used When: The distress is caused by a specific, solvable issue and practical help is needed. This strategy involves actively changing the situation to reduce stress. It’s highly effective but only works when the problem has a clear solution.
Remember: Not all emotions need fixing. Sometimes, people just need to vent rather than be “rescued.”
6. Cognitive Reframing: Changing the Narrative
Best Used When: Emotions are still developing, and the person is receptive to seeing the situation from a new perspective. This is a high-engagement strategy that happens early in the emotional process. It involves helping someone see their situation in a new light.
A Powerful Phrase: “What’s another way to look at this?”
7. Valuing: Making Someone Feel Special
Best Used When: The person is feeling unappreciated, insecure, or overwhelmed and needs emotional affirmation. One of the most meaningful ways to support someone emotionally is to remind them they matter. This high-engagement strategy fosters deeper emotional connection.
Small Gestures Matter: A hug, a kind note, or a simple “I love you” can go a long way.
8. Receptive Listening: The Underrated Superpower
Best Used When: Someone is processing deep emotions and needs space to express themselves without solutions or redirection. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is just listen. Receptive listening allows emotions to be processed without judgment.
Why It’s Important: Being heard is often more powerful than any advice we could give.
Balancing Emotional Support with Boundaries
While these strategies can help, it’s important to remember that we are not responsible for making everyone happy all the time. Supporting our family’s emotions does not mean sacrificing our own well-being.
- Check in with yourself. Are you feeling drained? It’s okay to take a step back.
- Teach emotional regulation. Kids need to learn to manage their emotions, not rely solely on you to fix them.
- Model self-care. When you take care of your own emotional health, you show your family how to do the same.
By using these strategies wisely, moms can provide meaningful support to their kids and partners—without carrying the full weight of their emotions. Because being a great mom doesn’t mean being an emotional sponge; it means being a guide, a comfort, and sometimes, the person who simply listens and says, “I’m here.”
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Reference
MacCann, C., Double, K. S., Olderbak, S., Austin, E. J., Pinkus, R. T., Walker, S. A., Kunst, H., & Niven, K. (2025). What do we do to help others feel better? The eight strategies of the regulating others’ emotions scale (ROES). Emotion, 25(2), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001459
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