Tween Halloween: Striking the Balance
Halloween has always been a favorite holiday in my home. It offers a free license to let your kids’ imagination go wild. It presents an opportunity for them to be someone they are not, or perhaps someone they aspire to be. With that said, one would imagine that it is the perfect chance for your tweens to express themselves. The tween years bridge that gap between childhood and the teen years. They represent the beginning of the search for your child’s true identity, an opportunity to affirm their unique personality and start on the road toward autonomy and independence. Given all that one would assume that Halloween would be the ideal holiday for them right? Not necessarily. The tween years are also a time when your kids are trying to figure out what parts of their childhood they want to keep and which parts they want, or feel, they need to leave behind as they step up to teenhood.
So how do you strike that balance with and for them? What follows is a quick review of some of what you may experience and a few ideas on how to handle them:
1.) To wear a costume or not to wear a costume, that may indeed be the question! Depending on your tween, and of course the opinions of her peers, don’t be surprised if you get varying responses regarding this question. Reactions can range from feigned horror at the suggestion that at her age she would be interested in sporting a costume to annoyance that you would even question this after all, isn’t that what Halloween is about? Just go with it whatever the reaction. Remember developmentally tween’s are egocentric. They often make the assumption that you always know what they are thinking and feeling and when you don’t (which is probably quite often these days) their reactions toward you are prone to reflect this acknowledgement that you don’t seem to have a clue.
2.) Is your tween old enough to go it alone?
An unfortunate reality is that the world has changed so much since we were kids. Back when I was tween my parents never even had to ask the question. It was automatically assumed that the older kids in the neighborhood would keep a somewhat lazy eye on the younguns as parents waited in their houses to receive the flocks of trick or treaters to whom they handed out pounds of candy.
If you are lucky enough to live in a place where you feel safety is never an issue then enjoy. It is important to acknowledge that the answer to this question however is individual. As I always say, “when parents aren’t anxious, life is beautiful.” There are many solutions that can appease even the most anxious and/or concerned parent or child. It goes without saying that if your child wants you along, it is important to accompany them, even if none of the other parents are tagging along. A tween’s steps toward autonomy are gradual and individual, pushing them too quickly can result in unintended anxiety and insecurity. If on the other hand, your tween is insisting on going it alone with his friends and this is not something with which you are comfortable, work with him. You should be able to negotiate a solution with which you are both comfortable. You can for example, tag along from a distance (he may suggest China but you will need to be close enough to keep on eye out.) If you are more comfortable with him trekking out with a group of his friends, have him text you (assuming he has access to a cell phone) on a set schedule (for example, once an hour), this may be the solution you can both agree upon.
3.) It’s party time, but I don’t even know half these kids, let alone their parents!
As your kids get older, they are less dependent on you, especially when it comes to their friendships. Not too long ago you were in control because you made the play dates but now, probably not so much. This can cause most parents some anxiety. If your tween has recently started middle school and there are several elementary schools flowing into one middle school you may find yourself faced with an interesting dilemma.
While you may know their core group of friends, you may no longer have a firm handle on the kids your tween associates with on a daily basis. This means if your tween is invited to a Halloween Party with a lot of kids, you will have to figure out how to address this. This can be especially perplexing if it is a coed party. Of course you should check in with the parents hosting the party. Maybe however, you are just not ready for your tween to take this step. Perhaps you feel he isn’t developmentally ready for the coed thing, or maybe you are worried that lately she has been acting a bit more mature than you would like. Maybe, this describes her friends whom you know wield a strong influence these days. Well, there are many ways to address this situation.
One solution is to allow your tween to host her own party or get together. This will allay your anxieties and put you in control. Keep in mind however, the issues that make you anxious as a parent. Focus on how to help the parents of the kids invited feel comfortable with a party at your house. If it is a small get together for example, have your tween call each friend and invite them individually, then ask to speak with her parent.
I hope this helps you strike the balance with your tween on Hollow’s Eve. Happy haunting!
Dr. Jennifer A. Powell-Lunder is a clinical psychologist specializing in work with tweens,teens and their parents. She is the co-author of Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent’s Guide to Becoming Bilingual and creator of Talking Teenage. She is a columnist and contributor on teen issues and is regularly called upon by both national and international media outlets for consultation. Through her experience she has listened and learned from the teens in her life.
