The Cheese Stands Alone: When Making the Right Choice is Hard

Sipping tea (or coffee if it’s been a long night) with a group of your closest mommy friends you announce, ’We’ve decided to let little Penelope keep her soother until she’s 35.’ Expecting to hear a chorus of agreements, a few nods and maybe someone who’s made the same choice, you are shocked to find only silence. Quickly you rush on, ‘We know that seems a little strange but it’s less traumatic than taking it away from her now, when she’s 9 months old. It’s her comfort, what soothes her, you don’t take away a kids security blanket, why take away her soother?’ Still, nothing. There’s the odd cough and you watch as silent glances and strange looks pass between your friends and you think, ‘Did we make a mistake? Did I make a mistake? Am I doomed to fail?’ While leaving your daughter with her pacifier until 35 may, in fact be a mistake the idea of making your own choices as a parent isn’t. We’ve all faced those moments when someone disapproves of our parenting choice, quite often in a way that leaves us feeling less than adequate, questioning who we are as parents.

The debates are endless, Cry or cuddle to sleep, Soother or Thumb, Breast or Bottle, spank or timeout, Stay home or work away from home, to vaccinate or not to vaccinate, cloth diapers or disposable, Mozart or the Rolling Stones (ROLLING STONES! ahem I mean Mozart of course), the lists go on. As new parents, many of us research, reading countless books, websites and talking to everybody and their cow who have children (as an aside, the cow isn’t necessarily your best source). Even if you’re as big on preparation as I was – I’m an eternal student at heart, more knowledge means less room for error in my mind, you can’t help but hear the “advice” so thoughtfully handed out by every person who passes you by. It’s as if you’ve written in bold letters across your bulging belly -“New Mommy here, Parenting Information Needed”.

You sit with your spouse and discuss the options and at about week 32 you’ve got it all figured out. In a phrase, you’ve got parenting, “In the Bag”. Then your baby is born and you’re hit with reality. It feels something like being slapped in the face with a slimy fish. Whoa! I was NOT prepared for that. As you carry on through your parenting journeys you find that the Road to Hell is defiantly paved with good intentions some days. You find that you re- research, you call your Mom 4 or 5 hundred times a day and then, after you’ve exhausted all your resources (or you’re just purely exhausted), you make your choice and wing it. You know that by winging it, you’re taking not only your life but the lives of your children into your hands, and you’re okay with that.

You have done what you believe is best and you’re prepared to face the consequences. Good or bad, you’ve made the choice and you’ll stick with it. Or will you? We’ve all had that moment, when a choice that we have made or plan to make, causes those around us to cringe. If you’ve been part of this parenting gig for very long, you’ve probably been in that uncomfortable situation where, someone looks at you, with obvious disgust and says, “You’re doing/feeding/saying, THAT to your child?” and if you’re like me, you’ve probably had more than one moment where you’ve though, “She’s a way better Mom than I am. I’m a failure, little Penelope (which is not the name of either of my daughters) is going to grow up to hate me forever because I decided to start her on Sweet Potatoes instead of ice cream and it’s all because Uber mom says so!”

You know Uber Mom right? She’s that mom at the playground who looks as though she and her offspring have been pulled from a Ralph Lauren catalogue, she only carries organic snacks in an organic sack she made herself from the cotton she spun last night on her spinning wheel. She drives a brand new minivan, that’s never seen dirt, she cooks 3 meals a day, does laundry – ironing the socks and tighty whiteys don’tcha know and of course never misses a pilates class. I’d say she’s all sugar and spice, but that wouldn’t work because she’s soooo anti-sugar and well, all the goodie two shoe’d sweetness, makes me want to, well, barf! Because what lies beneath that little smile, isn’t kind at all, it’s the ability and the need to make those around her feel inferior, and she does. Now, I’m not saying that any of those things (well, except maybe the ironing socks and tw’s, seriously if my husband can’t handle a wrinkle in his shorts he’s got another thing comin’) is bad. If you strive to do or be those things right on. What I am saying is that, it’s moms who fit the “perfect” persona who inevitably make the rest of us MWAS (Mom’s Who Are Surviving – new acronym for ya!) feel like we’re sinking ships.

I faced that very issue 6 months ago when a very dear friend of mine disapproved of the choice my husband and I made to vaccinate our kids against H1N1. We’ve vaccinated them against almost everything else, knowing full well the side effects, having read Jenny McCarthy and heard countless interviews and still felt it was the best choice. She on the other hand is not down with the vaccine (which is fine for her and her son, not my choice) and I’ve never said a word. Well, words flew let me tell you when she found out that I had vaccinated our girls, going as far as to challenge my faith in God. It almost destroyed our friendship and certainly left me for a moment at a crossroads.

So, what do we do? How do we survive this battlefield called parenthood and come out on the other side (when our kids are 19) unscathed? Do we throw in the towel and follow the fads as they roll? Do we succumb to every TV talk show host and parenting magazine when they tell us how to parent our kids? If we do how do we avoid it being a yo-yo effect, with “reports” and "studies’ coming out one week and being discredited the next, we are being jostled around like pennies in a pocket. How do we listen, when the voice inside our heads says we’re making the right choice, when the ones echoing around us say we’re doing it all wrong? I say go with your gut. It’s one of those things that’s a God given gift to women (and men for that matter, not forgetting the Dads just writing as a mom).

Nobody tells a woman who’s nearly escaped being raped because she trusted her gut and left the ATM vestibule because something “felt wrong”, that she’s a lunatic. Nobody sneers if a mother makes her son wait an extra 10 seconds before crossing the street because she “had a feeling” and it those 10 second saved his life. Nobody whispers behind your back, when you turn right to go down that street even though your husband swears he “knows” a short cut, and you get your family to the BBQ on time, saving you and your kids an hour of driving in circles and a hollering match that winds up at a gas station asking for “navigation advice – NOT DIRECTIONS”. Okay, so maybe he whispers but nobody’s listening, they’re too busy snickering.

What I mean is, only when it comes to parenting our children do we, as mommas face such criticism and debate. And go with my gut I did, I had done my research, talked it over with not only my doctor but my pediatrician and my spouse. And I flat out told my friend that while she may disagree with me, and I won’t judge her on that, I was going to do what I felt best for MY daughters (this is by the way NOT a vaccination debate). At the end of the day it’s me who has to account for my choices. I have to stand before God, before my husband and ultimately it’s is me who is responsible for my children.

There are times though, that our gut isn’t telling us so much. Situations that feel more like indigestion than decision and it’s then that we waver. Know what? That’s okay too. Sometimes when you feel like you’ve eaten a rotten burrito, maybe it’s then that you’re being saved from making a mistake. Listen to the voices around you, ask questions and then reevaluate your choices. It might just be the Pepto Bismol you’ve been needing. Just remember that in those times when the whole room seems to shudder, the whispers seem louder than a punk rock concert and the disapproving looks make you want to shrink into your diaper bag, that being a mom isn’t easy. Being a good mom is even harder, in fact it’s kind of like when we tell our kids to stand up to peer pressure, ignore the taunts and insults, trade in the easy road for the right choice, and be prepared, because sometimes the cheese just stands alone.

Ashley Stone is a SAHM, WAHM and a blogger on the side. She has 2 beautiful little girls who fill her life with love, joy and exhaustion!