Photo by: J Franklin

Stay-at-Home Mommy Myths

by Katrina J. Cummins, MEd
Photo by: J Franklin

It was 5:00pm, which we like to call “happy hour” in our household, and my husband walked in the front door after a long day at work. As he walked through the toy obstacle course, saw the mountain of laundry on the couch, and dirty dishes in the sink he smiled and asked that one question that pushed my mommy button, “What did you do all day?” Smiling, I replied “It must be nice to have a lunch break and get a paycheck for your hard work”. At that time we had a five and a three year old home and I was a stay-at-home-mom.

I had been previously working as a professional and choose to cut and paste my schedule from working full time, down to part time, then to SAHM. I learned to navigate this landscape where there was no set job description, no 9 – 5 schedule, no evaluation, no thirty minute lunch break and no paycheck deposited into our bank account.

Two Camps
Reading and talking to lots of different moms, whether at the park, work or classroom, there seems to be two main camps that mommies hang out in. Either “Stay-at-Home Mommy” camp or “Work-Outside-the-House Mommy” camp.

There seems to be some tension between these two camps with an “us” verses “them” mentality. But as moms we need to be on the same team, camping out together, supporting and encouraging each other because mothering is tough on a good day.

I have camped out in both areas and have found that both have rewards and challenges. Everyone seems to have an opinion about whether a woman should be at home raising children or working outside the home. There seems to be a value judgment placed on those moms who stay at home raising their children.

Myths
Why is it that sometimes when we meet women and find out that they stay at home raising their children, we instantly assume things about them without really knowing them? I remember meeting a mom at a social function and chatting about our lives. I asked her a few questions and she said that she was a teacher. I asked her what school she worked at and found out she hadn’t worked as a teacher in over five years. I’ll never forget how this woman expressed her feeling that she would be accepted and valued more if she worked in a paid job. I have consistently run into different ideas about SAHMs. Some of these thoughts are myths which need to be addressed and openly discussed.

Some common myths about SAHMs suggest that they are:

  • uneducated
  • throwing away their education
  • not really working as they are not in a real paid job
  • lucky to be wealthy to stay home
  • have the luxury of all this free time
  • not using their brains
  • unproductive
  • not using their gifts or talents
  • not able to handle the many pressures that working mom’s encounter.

Integrating Life
Every woman is different and each family has their own unique needs to be addressed. Being a SAHM is tough work and even though they may not pack up their brief case and walk out the front door to go to a paid job, nevertheless it is still work 24/7. From the physical work of cleaning to emotional work of handling the many different emotions of a toddler.

One of the biggest myths is that SAHM are wealthy and have the luxury to stay home. This myth needs to be kicked out of our neighborhoods and challenged. So many SAHM are struggling financially and make personal sacrifices to stay at home. They are skilled at finding a bargain and inexpensive activities, showing a kind of money savvy that should be welcomed in any business board room. SAHMs have to be money savvy working out how they can manage a tight budget so they can continue to be at home.

They use their education in different ways, such as working in their child’s classroom or volunteering in the community. Nowadays many more moms are running their own business from home with a creative schedule. They handle complex schedules from play dates, naps, carpooling to classroom volunteering. Their mommy brain and cell phone is always “on”, giving new meaning to multi-tasking with an ability to handle the many pressures placed on them.

Interestingly enough, research is finding that many woman are leaving their high paying jobs and careers to be at home with their kids (CBS News, 2004). With the many demands placed on them, SAHMs have very little free time and are highly productive in raising children, the future of our society.

Life is a Journey
Working as a counselor I have found a common thread woven between all of us; none of us are perfect or have perfect kids. We all have struggles along this journey called ‘life’. Maybe your journey is to be a SAHM mom right now. When the journey gets bumpy I encourage you to take time out for yourself. Maybe have coffee with a girlfriend or treat your self to a pedicure. When you are living on your last nerve, remind yourself that your kids are at home for such a short amount of time, pretty soon they will be packing up and walking out your front door to explore their own adventure.

At the end of the day other people’s opinions and judgments really don’t matter. What matters is that what you are doing, you are doing to the best of your ability with a right attitude, finding fulfillment along the way using your gifts and abilities.

Suggested Reading:
Stay at Home Survival Guide (2008)
Melissa Stanton The Mommy Brain (2005), Katherine Ellison

Katrina J. Cummins MEd lives near Portland, Oregon and balances her time between speaking, counseling and working full time as a wife and mother.

Like This Article

Like Mamapedia

Learn From Moms Like You

Get answers, tips, deals, and amazing advice from other Moms.

132 Comments

There is a great joke about "what did you do all day?"

Guy comes home from work. The house is trashed (in his mind), food everywhere, toys everywhere, kids everywhere. Nothing ready for dinner, no clean clothes.

He goes upstairs and Mom is in bed, reading, eating cookies. He says "WHAT HAPPENED?"

She says calmly, "You know how you come home every day and ask me what I did today? Well, today I didnt do it".

If that doesnt say it all, nothign does.

Thanks so much for this post. As as SAHM who started out working full-time, then part-time and finally chose to stay home, I agree that there is too much tension between the 'mom camps'. We should be trying to support each other instead of making judgements, often based on myth, about whose life is easier or whose children are better off.

I also worked in the professional world, but when my baby was 6 months old I decided to stay home. Best decision I ever made. It stopped my climb in the business world, but I am glad I chose that route. All my 4 kids are grown now and I have a very close relationship with all of them. Even though they are all out of the house, they know they can call Mom, anytime for advise or just to chat...

See entire comment

I have nothing but respect for women who chose to stay home and raise their kids. I did this for son until he was in the 3rd grade and he is such a healthy, well-rounded person because of it. Now, my son is eleven- I have completed my undergraduate degree, gone to law school, graduated from law school in may and patiently waiting for Bar Results to come out this Friday!

Like the article suggests we should have respect for our fellow Moms no matter what they choose. There is no one right or wrong way to raise well-rounded, healthy and productive members of society. Many of our kids turnout to be great, well-adjusted people because of who we are and it doesn't matter if you work in or outside of the home. It is the love, respect, tolerance and kindess that we model that matters most...

See entire comment

Being a mother to two small children, I work professionally outside of the home part-time, which, for me, is the best of both worlds. I believe it is harder to stay at home than go to work. Respect is an understatement that I have for those who stay at home full time. However, some things to consider if you are giving up skills and not using an education for an extended period of time:

1. The odds are stacked against us in terms of the divorce rate. You simply cannot predict the future...

See entire comment

That is great that you stay at home. Some moms like me are not cut out for the demand, I know that I come to work many days to get a break from the intensity of my job at home. I have heard just as many disparaging remarks leveled at women that don't stay at home by SAHMs as I have heard on the flip side. So as moms period we need to cut each other some slack. We have a village to raise :)

I recently became a mom and joined work back full-time when my daughter was 8 weeks old. Immediately, I got bombarded with guilt statements from friends and family - 'how could you do this?' 'I can never leave such a young child and go work?', 'you should atleast be home until your kid is 1 year old','do you need to work by choice or necessity?' etc. SAHMs(ones I have comes across) feel that you must be in some kind of financial pressure to leave such a young kid and go to work...

See entire comment

I have been a SAHM for 11 years rasing my three children 12, 10 and 4. I have work here and there to help with the budget but I have always considered myself a SAHM. I have worked at the Post office at night, I have worked at a swim school and ran the concession stand at a baseball park, all while maintaining my SAHM duties. I still volunteer and take my kids to where they need to be...

See entire comment

I am a Mom (first) and I work 3/4 time. I think both jobs are equally rewarding (and difficult). I respect both decisions.For me, I have to wear more than one "hat" to feel well-rounded. What I do not respect or understand is the "stay-at-home" Mom..whose children are at school all day! What are they doing during those 6-7 hours!? The laundry, cleaning house, paying bills...I do all of that as well, plus work outside of the home...

See entire comment

I do not think I am doing a diservice to me or my children by not working I have stayed home and worked part-time and have seen both ends of it. I choose to stay home and I know life happens and as far as my marriage is concerned I am confident in our relationship to weather whatever comes our way. At this point I am doing what is good for my children, my family. My kids are happy my family life is happy and my relationship is happy and sound...

See entire comment

I am a stay-at-home mom and have heard the question, "What did you do all day?" I laugh this off, and remind my husband that he gets the easy job of dealing with adults all day and actually gets to eat lunch sitting down at a table. I respect all who are able to stay at home with their children, as well as moms who have to work (or choose to). We all have different personalities and it is okay to do whatever we need to do...

See entire comment

I have tremendous respect for SAHMs. I work full time outside the home and have since both my kids were 8 weeks old. I am blessed with a job that provides several things: on-site childcare (expensive but awesome and very convenient, and allowed me to breastfeed for the first 2 years of both of their lives), flexibility and a reasonable amount of vacation/family leave time, so I can stay home with them if they are sick, and a decent wage...

See entire comment

I always find this topic interesting. I myself stay home and get to work prn or (as needed) like a substitue teacher but, in the medical world. I love the days I get to go to work because I do get to use my brain in a different way and I do get to be needed/helpful in a different way...

See entire comment

Everyone has their different views on this. I chose to stay at home, as my mother did before me. They didn't have money, and neither did we. My degree and profession were put aside, as I felt that my children should come first. This wasn't a sacrifice, but a choice that I'll treasure the rest of my life. Garage sales, resale shops, hand me downs are my forte. I've watched close friends and family members whose children suffered as a result of both parents working...

See entire comment

Leave a Comment

Required
Required (will not be published)
Required (to prove you're human)
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on topic and not abusive

Related Questions

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us
Want to become a contributor?
Want to become a contributor?

If you'd like to contribute to the Wisdom of Moms on Mamapedia, please sign up here to learn more: Sign Up

Blogs and bloggers we love

Recent Voices Posts

See all