Photo by: Cari Dugan

Let's Stop Shaming Our Kids Online

Photo by: Cari Dugan

We have all done it before. You see that sweet little one-year-old, arms crossed, pouting on a “time out chair,” and we melt. It’s so cute and a rite of passage for every little one. I’ll admit to being one of those moms who swoon over those images. Being a lifestyle photographer, they are some of my absolute favorites. If you search back through Dugansincahoots archives, or my Instagram, I am sure you will find such moments of my own little ones plastered all over.

But when do we cross the line from oh that is sweet to oh that is just humiliating?

It’s is a question that has been on my mind since I saw a picture of a young girl on Facebook a few months back . Her mother wanted to teach her a lesson about online bullying so she posted a photo of her daughter holding a sign describing her crime and her punishment. The photo went viral . Am I the only one who sees the irony in that?

Apparently this type of discipline is the new mommy trend. Just google it. I don’t think it is clever or innovative parenting. I think it is disgraceful. Horrible. It makes my blood boil and my stomach turn.

Shaming a child into obedience has to be the most ridiculous concept EVER invented. I hope that the parents are coming from a heart of wanting to correct harmful or poor behavior. But I believe children should be disciplined privately so our children’s pride, and sense of dignity remains intact. It must be so damaging to publicly display a child’s faults for the world to gawk at. I can only see it hurting a child, and even possibly encouraging rebellion and fear. You might as well place a scarlet letter around their neck and send them off to the mall.

Drastic? Maybe. But this is how I see it:

We want our child not to bully?

Then don’t be your child’s bully.

We want our children to learn how to be responsible and discreet on the internet?

Then let’s practice what we preach.

We want our children to respect themselves AND those around them?

Then let’s respect them.

As a writer, who primarily writes about my family, more specifically about parenting, how do I navigate all this? Very, very carefully. There is a fine line between being real, and over sharing.

Just because I am mostly an open book does not mean my children are. They don’t want their dirty laundry aired, and to be honest, neither do I. It all comes down to caring MORE about the little hearts I am nurturing than an amazing article. There have been several instances where something will happen and I will think, “This would make a great story”. And it very well might. However, if my children don’t sign off on it, then it doesn’t get shared. No exceptions. I will not use them and bypass their feelings to promote my own agenda.

Just because I am Mom, and they are all under 4 ft, does not give me the right to openly share about their lives without their permission. Sometimes, a story, or a photo that I think wouldn’t bother them, actually does, even more so as they are getting older and more self aware. I need to respect them.

So a photo that I think is just so sweet, and they hate? Well, those go into Mama’s personal archives. A quote that we think is funny and just has to be shared on Facebook, but our four-year-old thinks otherwise? Will never be posted. A topic close to my heart that they want to remain private? Shall remain as such.

As a mother it is my job to love my child unconditionally, to protect them, to give them direction and to pour out grace. During sibling disputes I am often reminding my children that our words are powerful. They can hurt or they can love. They can encourage or they can destroy. That goes for words spoken, and for words written. We live in a world where our written words can spread like wildfire, making them even more powerful. It is up to us to teach our children the strength of words. It starts with us.

Cari Dugan is a lifestyle photographer and writer in Minneapolis Minnesota. She writes candidly about everyday life and experiences on being a wife and a mother on her blog Dugans in Cahoots. Her husband, three children, and chocolate lab make life what it is – A Beautiful Mess. You can also connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

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