"Because I Said So" is Lazy Parenting

The phrase “because I said so” has been around since Adam and Eve, I imagine. It’s a common sentiment in parent-child relationships. Many household conversations go like this:

Child: Can I do blah blah blah?
Parent: No.
Child: Why not?
Parent: Because I said so.

I’m sure you heard that saying in your own home while growing up. I did.

I’d like to say up front that I don’t necessarily disagree with the statement, but… I want something more for my kids. I think “because I said so” is a bit of a cop out.

If my kids want to do something, and I tell them no, I feel that I should have a good reason to back it up. If I can’t come up with a good reason–which is where “because I said so” comes up most often–then perhaps I need to rethink why I’m not allowing them to do whatever it is they’re asking to do.

I mean, in what other facet of their lives will “because I said so” be an allowable end to a discussion? If you’re at work and you ask your boss if you can do something, and they say no, and you ask why, would you really take them seriously if they said “because I said so”?

If your doctor ordered you to take a medication, and you asked why, and they said “because I said so,” wouldn’t you be inclined to hit up Google when you got home and see about finding a physician who would actually explain their reasoning?

I know that toddlers and young kids need guidance and to learn obedience and respect. I understand that the authoritative phrase “because I said so” can supposedly reap those benefits.

But I think removing “because I said so” from my vocabulary can actually help my relationship with my children grow to be more respectful than if I were to use it. Here are three reasons why:

1. It improves communication. If your children are young like mine–ages 2 and 3–then you know that they are picking up every word you say to them. (And sometimes you really wish they hadn’t picked up on certain four-letter words.) They are listening to you talk to them and everyone around you, and they are absorbing what those words mean in context so they can begin to use them on their own. Should you choose to explain to your toddler why they can’t do something, you can teach them new words like “consequences,” “kindness,” “obedience,” and “empathy” for example. Toddlers aren’t dumb; they just haven’t learned all the right words yet. If you talk to them instead of shutting them down, you open up their vocabulary to new heights which will make it easier for them to communicate with you and everyone else at an earlier age and in the future.

2. It shows respect to the child. Children are naturally curious and testing boundaries and, at their core, wanting to know everything they can. They’re little sponges of information; taking in all the sights and sounds around them and internalizing that information which will later form who they are as an adult. If they ask why they can’t do something, and we merely shut them down with “because I said so,’ aren’t we saying that we don’t respect their natural inquisitiveness enough to give them a reason? Aren’t we in some way saying they don’t deserve an answer because they’re just a child? Does that seem fair?

I think giving the child a valid reason as to the conclusion you’ve come to shows them that, even though their request was denied, you still have enough respect for them to give them an honest, thought out answer. This shows the child that they are being heard and acknowledged, and you are demonstrating that you actually care about their desires and needs enough to talk to them which leads to…

3. It opens up the opportunity for dialogue. While “because I said so” is an effective way to shut down a conversation, I believe it’s also a way to shut down open communication with your child down the road. If, say at age four, they’ve heard “because I said so” a hundred times, what do you think the likelihood is that they’ll continue to come to you with questions which may be difficult or uncomfortable? Would you yourself be more receptive to discussions with someone who rationally and reasonably explains their position, or would you prefer someone just say ‘because I said so” and move on as if your thoughts and feelings didn’t matter?

Are you really saying that if I tell my daughter she can’t dunk her Barbie in the toilet “because I said so” I’m ruining our chances of having open communication down the line?

I think I am. I think creating an environment and relationship that is open to discussion and debate begins at an early age, and I think children as young as two and three deserve to be given the opportunity to understand why you’re denying them something. They need to know that they can come to you with questions even if they won’t like the answers. They need to know you will listen and respond and talk with them in a way that is appropriate for their age.

I know there is a time and a place for putting your foot down and asserting yourself as the alpha person in the relationship because you are their parent and it is your job to keep them safe and healthy. But I think if “because I said so” is used too often, or at all, it does our children a disservice. I think they deserve better and I think we can do better.

Do you say “because I said so?” If yes, have you ever thought about why?

Toni Hammer is a freelance writer, editor, and mother of two who just signed her first book contract. She chronicles her mommy misadventures at Is It Bedtime Yet?, and drowns her mommy guilt in copious amounts of coffee and Diet Coke. You can find her trying to be funny on Facebook and Twitter.