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I'm Tired of Your Facebook Lives

Photo by: iStock

I jumped on the Facebook train in the same fashion I tackle a churro station at an amusement park – all over it. I was posting pictures of my food, my dogs, my socks, my new accent pillows, kitchen appliances, a new pack of Sharpie markers because… BONUS MARKER! Until I stopped and asked myself, What the hell am I doing? Who wants to see this shit?!

I tried to go back and delete as many of the offenders as possible, but seeing my incompetency with all things computer related, and my self-diagnosed case of ADHD, I only managed to delete a few. It was an embarrassing day. There were more Elf on the Shelf photos and cheesy food pics than I’d care to admit. Pun sadly intended.

However, I’ve noticed something even more alarming, and I, too, am often a guilty offender.

Facebook photos have now turned into a mere image of how you wish or want your life to appear.

You’ll never see a happy picture of my family at the dinner table chowing down. Why? Because that rarely happens, and when it does, the last thing I want to do is bust out my phone. Someone is always bitching. It might be that there are “green flakes” in their food, or their drink is “soggy.” How can a drink be effin’ soggy? Ask a seven year old with intriguing insight for the answer to that one.

I scroll my Facebook feed and see pictures that may as well be gracing the pages of Target’s weekly ad or better yet, Pottery Barn. Everyone’s hair is in place, they smile with big teethie smiles, and there is not a fixture nor toy out of place. Some of these homes don’t even looked lived in. Are there model homes you can rent to take your ‘Facebook Family Shots’?

I’ll snap a picture and then tell my daughter to swivel approximately four inches to the right where there is no presence of a sky-high laundry pile in the soon-to-be-posted Facebook photo. It is ridiculous. I am ridiculous.

Where are the pictures of the mothers pulling their hair out in the Costco line up? I’ve seen some cute Target pics with kids giddy over a new set of oven mitts, but no hair-pulling mamas.

Once, I took a snap on my iPhone, posted it to Facebook and realized there was a box of tampons in the background. I immediately deleted it because it was embarrassing. However, that was the true state of my home in that minute; a mother, mid-Aunt Flo, snapping a picture of her child and her newest Barbie. I posted a photo recently on Facebook that a friend commented on saying, “This seriously looks like a prison mugshot." You know what? She was right, and I laughed right along with her. I kept it up. Why? Because it was real. Because that was me in that moment. It was not a Lindsay Lohan nor Paris Hilton mugshot, more so Amanda Bynes with her wig on backwards mugshot, but nonetheless, it was real.

Even worse offenders, the “selfie” takers. (I am also guilty.) Ever since iPhone released the selfie feature camera, the internet-world went to hell in a iPhone hand basket. Eyelash pictures, root canal pictures, duck lip pictures, “new sunglasses pictures,” “new eyebrow wax pictures,” #PicturesWithHashtagsIdontFuckingUnderstand; if Facebook didn’t have a “no nude photos” clause, I’m sure I’d have seen Brazilian wax selfie by now. Shit’s gone crazy.

To take it up a notch, Apple has integrated ways to make yourself look “even better with the touch of a button!” I downloaded some of those apps, and while they were semi-entertaining, I found ones that were FAR superior. I like the ones that age you 50 years to give you idea what Mother Nature might do to your face, or better yet, the Mustache App! There is nothing more entertaining than seeing what you’d look like if you stopped waxing your upper lip once a month.

So, lets start a new tradition – I’m speaking to myself on this one too – let’s make our pictures realistic. If your house looks like a category 5 Hurricane struck, but your kids are having the time of their lives… snap that shit up! That’s what memories are made of, right? I love seeing babies with food smeared all over their faces. I love seeing the candid photos taken of someone else when they weren’t looking. #JustSayYesToTheDoubleChin. As for food, I love seeing your successes, but more so, your kitchen fails. Everyone likes to feel like they relate, not that they’re a shitty housekeeper with a disaster for a home; a crappy mom because they fed their kid a hot dog and boxed mac n’ cheese for dinner. And, while you’re at it, if you’re going to take a selfie, let’s make an agreement to do “morning selfies”, when you’re at your “realest.” I’m willing to start the movement.

Hey, I’d love for my home to look like the interior of one the Kardashian’s homes, however, I don’t have a budget for six 24/7 housekeepers, I don’t have 40,000 square feet to sprawl out in, and furthermore, I don’t have a Kanye. Thank GOD.

Ashley Alteman is known for her love of dinosaurs, ponies wearing sweaters, and overuse of commas. She is an editor’s nightmare. She won a spelling bee in the 8th grade for correctly spelling “carrot” and knew from that moment she was destined to be an amazing journalist, or a sarcastic blogger; she went with the latter. Ashley details her laugh-out-loud parenting and personal fails at Smashley Ashley. You can also find this hot mess fumbling around on Facebook.

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