Did I Do Enough?

Last night, after gingerly sneaking out of my sleeping son’s room to the familiar sounds of his gentle snores, the quiet creakiness of a house after dark (and my guilt for leaving him while he’s asleep and unable to protest) I retreated to my office to write. I needed the soothing taptaptap of my keyboard. I needed the quiet, and a glass of wine. I needed to figure out why, with all of the amazing fun that Tucker and I have had this summer… I felt so damned sad.

Last week began as many other summertime weeks have, with too-late bedtimes, playgrounds, bounce houses, belly-laughs, and mindlessly boring but encouraging imaginative play. It also began with the stress of not being able to fulfill my commitment to my job as the sitters I’d counted on for those hours cancelled four out of five of the days (seriously).

At first, I assumed that I was stressed out and feeling sad because of breaking my commitment. And then, I realized that there is more to it than that.

I’m feeling sad for the end of summer.

I’m sad, because Tucker is starting kindergarten and, in many ways, it is the beginning of the end of his childhood.

While I know that he will be a child for years and years and years, and will always forever be my baby even when he towers over me, kindergarten feels like The Milestone that, when reached, means that life as I’ve known it with my son will never be the same.

Did I do enough with him this summer? Have I done enough to prepare him to be in a classroom with a lot of typical children? Will he be afraid? Overwhelmed? Picked on?

Have I done enough to let him know how much I love him this summer? Have I done enough to celebrate his youth, his ever changing childhood, and the him that he is, has been, and will become?

Have I done enough in this life of mine? Have I done enough, ever?

I suspect that, as with many of life’s difficult questions, that the answer to all of these questions is both yes and no.

No, I have not done enough. I can do more.

And yes, I suspect that I have done exactly enough.

I have to believe that I have created a summer full of beautiful memories for my little boy. I know that he, and all of us, found glory and wonder at the beach, at his graduation party, at Dutch Wonderland (twice, as we went again this past weekend, just for the day), and waterparks, zoos, playgrounds, and even here, at home. Playing with Legos, playing hide and seek… playing. Even when it didn’t feel fun – to me – at the time, it was gratifying, afterwards.

When it comes down to it, this week has been incredible in many, many ways. It’s been more than enough, and has been full of little moments and big ones. Ones that will help to prepare Tucker for school, and ones that will help prepare me to have the faith that I need to watch him fly.

I’m thankful, for this week, and this summer. My last summer before my only child goes to kindergarten.

Kristi Campbell almost always leaves the house in either flip-flops or Uggs, depending on the weather. Although she works part-time, her passion is writing and drawing really stupid-looking pictures for her blog Finding Ninee. Finding Ninee (pronounced 9E for her son’s pronunciation of the word airplane) started due to a memoir, abandoned when Kristi read that a publisher would rather shave a cat than read another. Its primary focus is to find and provide humor and support in a “Middle World,” one where the autism spectrum exists but a diagnosis does not. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.