Would You Let Your Ex Do This?

If he is their dad and doesn't have any drug, drinking & driving, or crazy run off with the kids never to be seen again issues, why wouldn't you allow them.

So you can take the kids on road trips and he can't? I don't get it. If I am missing something here, please share.

My kids loved road trips. I would let them go if you know they will be safe with him. Take the family out of the equation for a minute. If he said hey I would like to take the kids to Disney for a vacation. 4 days to get there 4 days there and then 4 days home would you allow it?

I can't imagine being the only driver in a situation like that! Yikes. But this is what I would do- have him plan to go down to Baton Rouge so the road trip is 5 days or so, plenty of time for a significant road trip. Then, have him put the kids on a direct flight from Denver to PA. He can literally put them on the plane, you can meet them right at the gate when they land. They get a road trip but not too much road trip, Dad is happy that they shared his experience but also happy that he can just drive home in the most efficient manner, you get the kids back in a more reasonable time frame.

I have fond memories of a similar road trip from when I was 6. We have done several week long road trips with our two kids, starting when they were just tiny babies. Everyone always had fun. Of course you have to make time to stop along the way to relax and stretch, but it was no where near "torture". Being in the car also provides a great chance to talk and bond. I would let them go with my wishes they have a wonderful time.

I think he's nuts and he has no idea what's in store. I'm also not sure you can say "no" to what he does with them on his time. I'm sorry he's so impatient with them but maybe this is a way for him to learn some skills in that area.

What concerns me is the solo driver thing. And the fact that he thinks Baton Rouge is "on the way" from PA to CO.

I would insist on a detailed travel plan and some sort of back-up plan for "if you get tired driving." The only benefit to the detour to Baton Rouge is the fact that he would rendezvous with his parents and (perhaps?) share some driving with them.

In between now and then, I would not be "helping out" when he visits the kids in your home. I'd leave. I'd make sure he is completely responsible for the kids on his own in a comfortable, uncramped environment - very different from the car.

You might also suggest a "dry run" (ostensibly for him to prep the kids for life in the car but really to let him see for himself what the obstacles are) - is there a weekend trip he could take with them somewhere in PA? Send him off on a good long drive of 3 hours + each way with ZERO help from you short of a packing list for clothes. He can be in charge of selecting the books or games or car activities he thinks would be best. Tell him you think it's best for the kids to try this out and figure out what works and what doesn't, and that it will make it much easier for Dad if that's out of the way first.

I think you could say no to the detour to Baton Rouge too without saying no to the entire trip.

Good for you to not say anything negative about your kids grandparents. They are your children's family.I suggest it's important to your kid's sense of self. To not let them go will create drama and arguments. From your post it sounds like you and your ex are getting along about the kids. To not let them go is likely to harm your relationship with your ex and your children.

A road trip will not be torture if the kids have something to do. I would talk with their Dad about his plans to make this fun for the kids. I suggest you send along some things that you know will entertain them. If the kids have had fun with their Dad at other times, they will have fun on this trip.

well, you've made up your mind already, haven't you?
and i must say, it doesn't sound like a barrel of fun for anyone. we took our kids on some long road trips fairly frequently, and they sounded in the planning stages a lot more fun than they were. long long long drives are just not a blast for little people.
if it were actually a road trip with plenty of stops for fun and sightseeing it would be a different story. still not ideal for little people, but enough good to balance out the bad.
so i think i'd do exactly what you clearly want to do- encourage him to find a different way to make this happen.
ETA after reading some of the other responses, i can see their POV. he's their dad, he's not a schmuck, and even if he doesn't realize what he's in for, it's not really your call to ensure that their time with him is *fun*, just safe. so i'm still in the 'talk to him and find a better way' camp, and i do think he's kinda nuts, but not sure that forbidding is it actually a great way to go either.
khairete
S.

Yep let them go. Your kids may be miserable but they won't die and I bet it's the last time your ex does something like that again.
OR....
they may actually have an amazing time!
Either way it's nothing to stress out about, enjoy YOUR time alone (or with friends) while they are gone!!!

I would say (best advice I was ever given) trust your gut. I think we all listened to our inner voice/gut, life would be simpler :)

I'm with you. I would tell him your concerns, and see what he has to say.

That's 8 days in a mini van!! I've done road trips with my kids, and I did them as a child. There is fun in it - in that we-are-all-going-crazy-in-the-van-together sort of way. Stopping, sightseeing, visiting .. is why we did it. But if the whole point is just to get to the destination ... ugh. One driver ... scary. I don't like that he will drive children all that way without someone to swap out with.

Ultimately I guess he decides what he does with the kids when he has them (or do you have input? I don't know how that works). I would give him your input. Tell him your concerns. What about the kids? Are they interested in this?

Kudos to you for keeping up relations with the grandparents :)

Good luck :)

As long as you think he will keep them safe, let them go. If the kids get cranky, chalk it up to an experience for them and let ex deal with it. If he gets cranky, the kids are resilient and will survive. Who cares if he gets in over his head and doesn't have an awesome trip? Enjoy some well-deserved free time and lets them all go off on an adventure - they will probably have fun in the end and you will get some rest while they are gone. Good luck!

Yes, I think it's crazy, because it's something I wouldn't enjoy. But, it is something that other people enjoy. I would let them go. Either they love it and have a great time, or your ex learns a lesson the hard way about confining kids to a car for days on end.

I get it. That length of travel for you isn't what you would want to do with your kids and you know your ex isn't patient either.

I'm the child of divorce. My mom encouraged a relationship between my father and I. We didn't always have a good or great time together but we have some rather interesting memories I wouldn't change for the world both the good and the bad. LOL

Let him take them. Your children aren't infants nor are they toddlers that require extra. The youngest is 5. They will have some interesting memories of spending time with their dad. This trip may not be the nightmare you envision. Since you will be packing your kids up, I'm guessing. Pack up travel games and activities they can do together. If you can pack up a snack for them then do that. Give them each intructions to look after each other and be kind to each other. They will interact just how they always do. Their kids. LOL

Time flys by quickly. 15-20 years from now your kids will have the memory of this trip and their dad. Rose colored glasses are awesome. Lord knows I have some for the memories with my dad.

Exhale momma bear. Let them have this time with their dad and plan something fun and special with you for when they return from this road trip.

My vote if I had one would be to let them go and not to fight your ex on this, life is short and nothing in your post would give me a pause about letting him take them.

Have you ever gone on a Great American Road Trip?
When I was 13 and my sister 11 our Mom took us on a cross country drive to see relatives (from Buffalo NY to San Diego CA) in a station wagon.
Whole trip was 6 weeks.
We used AAA Trip Ticks and saw all the sights big and small - The Corn Palace, The Badlands, Mt Rushmore, Yellowstone (Old Faithful), Giant Sequoias, San Fransisco, The Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Hoover Dam, etc and so forth.
Mom Drove 8 hrs a day and we read maps and navigated, slept, played games in the car (saw SO many license plates from almost all the states) and we always tried to stay at hotels that had a pool.
We had a cooler and most days at breakfast and lunch that we made ourselves (cereal, fruit, made sandwiches that we ate at road side stops) and had dinner at restaurants - on weekends we had breakfasts in restaurants (at a place in Bakersfield Ca we had a huge breakfast and I tried grits for the first time)
Once a week we found a laundry mat (if the hotel didn't have one) and got the clothes washed.
It was an adventure we'll never forget!

So, at least to me, the trip you are describing does not sound that out of the ordinary.
Sure there will be long driving hours but it can be pretty fun if they stop to see some things along the way.
That being said, if the kids are antsy and your ex is cranky, this could also be a pretty miserable trip too.
It takes planning - what's their itinerary?
If they plan to drive non stop with the adults trading off the driving in shifts and making pit stops in fast food places - ugh - even I wouldn't want to go on a trip like that.

My concern would be HIS ability to stay awake and attentive through that many days of driving on his own. Nobody to switch off with if he gets tired. And no other adult to manage the kids if he needs a nap. And if someone doesn't sleep well at night, neither will he... and he'll have to get up and drive.

THAT is what would be of concern to me. If you have seen his map/timeline/schedule/itinerary, though, and he has built in enough stops along the way to combat driver fatigue, and extra time so that if he is tired he can stop early a night or two and still be there in time for the wedding.... then ok. But just a matter of the kids being bored... umm... we rode across country (and back) when I was around age 5. No a/c in the car even. In the summer. No DVDs, no cell phones, no video handheld games... we're talking the 1970s. You had Jughead comic books (if you were lucky)... and that's about it. And road games... find a license plate from every state. You get the idea.

I would not say "no"... but I would make every effort to see that he plans appropriately for unintended delays along the way.. both there and back. If he gets a cold, for example... he can't drive and take certain medications without it making him tired. What then? Will he be able/willing to return the rental out of state and buy plane tickets home? What's his back-up plan if he finds the drive too much on his own for 4 days in a row.... I hope it isn't "pushing through" and driving on even when he shouldn't.

I think you should base this decision solely on whether you will allow him to keep your children for 12 days, and to travel with them out of state.

Whether or not what they do is actually FUN, or a GREAT plan, is not really the issue when it comes to custody and visitation.

I would never approve a trip like that for my son and his father... but he hasn't visited in two years and is not allowed overnights!

You can encourage him to make more child-centered decisions (choosing travel arrangements his children will actually enjoy) but your choice about this trip should be based on their safety.

Hope this helps.

T.

You're not crazy & I'd say no.
They are too young for such a long, tortuous trip w/him alone. Esp the 5 yr old.
Tell him to fly them there as the alternative.
Plus he's cranky? Not a good mix on a looooong drive w/3 kids.
Tell him those road trips he's referencing were "family" unit drives on
family vacations w/his mom AND dad.
If he says he doesn't have money for flying, tell him to use the money his mom was going to give him plus you'll pay for part of the kids' airfare (if you can afford to) so your kids are safe.
Since you have primary custody & he needs your permission....I'd say no.
Tell him it's way too long for any kid to turn around & drive back again!
That's insane. You're not insane.

Yes, absolutely I would let them go. Roads trips can be fun and great bonding experiences.

no

We've taken 16-20 hour drives with our kids multiple times, starting when the younger was 5. I would not do this trip. If for no other reason than your alarm bells are completely going off.

Our family loves road trips but this is not a road trip. To me road trip is a vacation planned out in a way that allows for driving sandwiched between destinations. With kids under 10 you might have a long driving day (like 5-6 hours) and then a couple of days at a fun place followed by some driving to the next vacation spot. It's a lot of fun particularly when the kids are tween age and older.

I wouldn't want to go on this trip. It isn't a vacation at all, sounds horrible. Anyone that thinks "stopping by" Baton Rouge in order to caravan, thereby turn a 25 hour drive into almost a 40 hour one is absolutely crazy.

All I can think of is the fact that after the cost of the van rental, gas, hotels and food along the way he will have spent as much as plane tickets for four. I cannot imagine having the drive BACK hanging over my head either, the whole thing sounds miserable!

It would be an easy No for me, because I don't do road trips. 4 hours in the car is my absolute personal limit, and I only do it for a really good reason. (I won't go more than 2 hours in any direction for a wedding, btw. Or a funeral.)

There are places I'd like to see with my kids but I know we will never go. None of us want to make the drive. The thought spending hours in the car for 4-5 days is my version of a nightmare. I wouldn't do it even if you paid me a million dollars. We did trips like that when I was a kid and it sucked. The destinations were fine, but not worth days on the road to get there and back.

I know my kids (13 & 14) would say No to the kind of trip your ex is talking about. Do you think yours are old enough to understand the situation and have an opinion about it?

Putting aside the whole situation with your ex, I'd base my opinion on the fact that this is not a "road trip" (in the usual sense, where people drive somewhere in order to see things along the way). This is a long drive to an event, with just one driver and three small children.

And then, when they arrive, the children must attend a wedding. They'll have to be neat and clean, well-behaved, and attend a ceremony of someone they probably don't know. If the ceremony is going to be a traditional one, in a church or venue where the children will be dressed neatly and be required to sit quietly, that would be very demanding on them, especially after such a long trip (if it's a casual outdoor wedding where there will be lots of other kids, then that might be less stressful for the kids). Have your children attended a wedding before? Are they capable of sitting quietly in church (or a wedding venue), and familiar with wedding etiquette?

All of this requires your ex to get to the wedding on time, ensure that the kids are appropriately rested, and dressed for a wedding, meet lots of relatives, and then do the whole return trip. It doesn't sound enjoyable for anyone.

If they were taking a leisurely trip where they could stop and look at attractions, and then enjoying a family reunion picnic, that might be different.

Basically, it isn't a road trip to a family reunion. It's lengthy travel to a wedding of someone whom the children do not know, and lengthy travel back. I wouldn't subject such young children to that, but I wouldn't say no to an actual road trip in the future, where your ex can say "hey kids, look, up ahead is the world's largest gum ball! Let's stop and run around and have fun!". Or "we've traveled far enough for today. Since we have no agenda, let's stop here. We'll find a motel with a pool."

I'd be sure to find out what kind of wedding it's going to be (who will supervise your children while your ex is visiting with all his family, what would your children have to wear, is it the kind of wedding that takes place in a church, with a reception afterwards, etc).

And if it's traditional, I'd make it clear to your ex that you're not objecting to his trip, simply objecting to making your children endure such a long ride and such an event.

Personally, I love long road trips and I loved them as a kid.

Thousands of families take cross country road trips every summer. The highways are packed with such travelers.

One summer, we moved from Maryland to Washington State. I drove back then to Idaho for a couple of weeks to camp and see family. On the way home we stopped in a rest stop on HW 90....anyone in the Pac NW knows this hwy....and I hear this familiar voice and she heard me talking to a niece, and she yells out, "Jennifer, is that you???" and bam, in Idaho I met a friend we had just left in Maryland....such a small world, eh?

I'm clearly out voted on whether the kids should go in a mini-van that far. And it sounds like you have already made up your mind about what a horrible experience it will be. But honestly, your Ex has to figure that out for himself.

IMO, you can express your reservations (especially for the 5 yr old) but I think the bottom line is you get to approve or not approve the trip itself, not the method he takes to get there. Maybe this will be so bad he'll never consider it again. Or maybe it will be a good time. Their father's time is his problem, even if you wish things were different for your kids. My sks went to the beach and told us that their mom spent the whole time oogling her boyfriend and ignoring them. I'm sorry they did not have a good time, but it was her time. Perhaps it is also a matter of expense. Maybe he's figured that time on the road is less costly than plane tickets? I would ask him for his general itinerary (where he plans to stop and when) so you can say good night to the kids or whatever at a time that won't impact his driving.

If he really wants your input, then figure out what bothers you most and talk to him about that. Would you be happier if there was another driver, for example?

I haven't read your answers yet, but I have to say NO WAY do I think it's even safe for a solo driver to have 3 kids on that long of a trip. What happens when DH is tired and needs someone else to drive for a while? What happens when one or more of the kids gets a cold, stomach virus or just car sick? How would he handle rest stops and bathrooms? I wouldn't let my 15 year old DD go into a rest stop bathroom alone, let alone a young child. This has disaster written all over it. I wouldn't want to be couped up in a car for that long of a trip, why would a small child want to?

A.,

I feel for you. My daughter is a car sick kid and has been from day 1. If any trip is a drive more than 3 hours, we fly. Thankfully most of our destinations are a one shot deal.

As a parent... I would cringe at my child being in a car so much. Too many things can happen. Like I said... We fly.

In a personal note, not really relevant but my 20 yr old chose not to attend spring break with 2 groups of friends because why???? Driving 10+ hours

We ended up with a mom/daughter trip fir a few days before hubby joined us. My daughter said.. No way would I be in a car or driving a car for 10+ hours with a load of friends.

I think you are smart to consider the safety of your children.

IF this were a chill out, relaxing drive.. I might not be so adamant but this does not sound like that and I agree with your concerns.

I drove my kids (10,8,6) from the west coast to the east coast, so I totally hear you!!!

With that being said, I'd try my hardest to talk him out of it but at the end of the day, it's his trip with the kids, if that's the way he wants to spend his time with them, so be it.

You were pretty well on your way to saying no in the first place, then saw the answers and realized there were a couple of optimistic yesses. Just say no.

There should be a plan to keep the kids entertained, books, coloring books, maybe disposable cameras for each. Plenty of water and snacks on board. Comfy pillows and blankets and their favorite stuffed animal or toy. The mini van will probably have a tv or video player that will help the kids from getting board.

You should have a copy of the travel plan and the kids should be able to check in with you each day if they want to.

I understand how you feel about letting young children go on such a long trip and I would "suggest" to your children's father that he consider having another adult go along to help out with the kids and the driving. Road trips can be a lot of fun and we have a beautiful country to see.

Keep us posted.

If you hadn't talked about your ex snapping at your kids and having no patience for even a 1 1/2 hour drive to the local airport, I would have said to let him learn the hard way. But for heaven's sake, it sounds like he'll end up screaming at them for a week. Why would you wish that on your kids is the answer to why it's okay for you to take them on this kind of trip (if you don't yell at your kids) and why it's NOT okay to let your husband do it.

I would tell him no.

We took the kids on many week-long road trips when they were little. We didn't have money to fly, so that was our main family vacation. They were fine with it, and they probably have fond memories. Come to think of it, our road trips were some of the few times that they didn't fight with each other all the time. We did bring a little tv along that they could play tapes in -- technology has improved since then.

As long as you trust him as a driver, I think it will be good for them. He needs to make sure he brings a lot of entertainment for them. Games, books, videos, computers, etc. I think they will have fun. Anyway, many of these things are more fun in hindsight than they are at the actual time.

ETA: A. J--that's QUITE a dip!!! Lol

I'm not understanding--- traveling to Baton Rouge or. Colorado?

We have done road trips before but not like this. No, I would not be a fan of this trip. I see no reason for them to go to Louisiana get convoy to CO. That is completely out of the way from PA.

Your ex is clueless. If he wants to fly to CO with them that's one thing but this Odyssey is crazy. I would most definitely not be comfortable with this idea. Nope.

Not a chance with my 5 and 8 yo. The 8 yo gets car sick, so she can't even read or watch movies. They hate long car rides.

When I was younger, I did take long road trips. But that was before it was standard to wear seatbelts in the back seat. So we moved around the car a lot and could lay down in the seat, if needed.

I do know of other kiddos who would probably be fine with a multi-day car trip. But that would include lots and lots of interesting stops along the way.

I had a wonderful time by myself in the backseat going from OK to Cherry Point to see my Marine brother when I was about 8 years old. I had books and crayons and toys and a pillow and a blanket.

I didn't have a DVD player in the ceiling, music on head phones, video games, or anything else kids today have on hand every instant.

I do think his parents should consider flying them to Colorado then them driving to Baton Rouge and maybe even driving back to your house from there. But that trip from your house to Colorado is flat boring and a lot of highway.

I think pre-purchased plane tickets would cost less. The drive from Colorado to Baton Rouge could be fun and just a few days.

That's what I would ask, fly to Colorado then drive, if he just has to do some road trip stuff, to Baton Rouge then let him choose if he wants to drive more or fly home.

But all in all if he's dead set on driving the whole way I'd say okay.

Let them go with their dad.

Do you not trust your ex with your kids? Do you think he is incapable of taking care of them or that he would let something happen to them?

I know it stinks to be stuck in a car all day but with all the gadgets they make now the kids should be able to entertain themselves. Plus, I am sure they will be stopping each evening to eat dinner and sleep.

I would ask him to consider not going to FL and just go to CO and back. They would have more time for stops and they just might have a good time with loads of memories of time with their dad (good and bad).

I would also talk to him about your safety concerns, ask him to get AAA and maybe a pay as you go cell phone for the kids to call you when ever they want.

We did many road trips when I was growing up and we didn't have electronics in the car, etc. only ourselves for entertainment. I have a lot of good memories spending time with my siblings and my mom (my dad left when I was a baby). We didn't always get along but I think some of those experiences brought us closer together. Try to look at some positives not just the negative.

I would let them go. I love road trips, so do my kids. Maybe because I grew up going on them. We drove to Florida every year from New York.
As long as you consider your ex to responsible as far as taking sleeping breaks etc, I don't see an issue.