Why Is Being with a (Non Biological) Partner So Hard to Balance My Needs and Kid

When I got divorced, my daughter was 3 years old, but I had been separated from her dad for over a year. We were able to maintain a very amicable relationship, slow distancing versus an abrupt change, so she's done quite well. I made the mistake, however, of spending extra time with him before his deployment to Iraq in January. Now, my daughter thinks that when he returns, we will all get together again. Wrong.

For me, there is "someone else." This guy is someone that I would have jumped in the sack with very quickly, but he's older and he's made me wait - how rude! :) Seriously, though, I realize, after much frustration, that he has been right to do so.

I'm a decade older than you, but I know, believe me, a year seems like a really long time when you're 25. At 36, it still seems like "quite a while."

Since it doesn't seem you've gone through a divorce, I'm guessing you weren't required to take the Child Education class that's required for couples who are divorcing that have children. I was SHOCKED to learn that it's 3-5 years before anyone - parents or children - should have a new someone significant in their life. I'm getting a degree in counseling and I'm still shocked at how long a period is recommended.

The absolute best thing you can do for you, and your boys, is learn how to be by yourself. Whether you go to counseling, read self-help books, spend a lot of time in prayer, go online to chat with other women, whatever you have to do, find a way to be happy by yourself. That way, when the right man comes along, he'll be an addition to your already full and happy life - not what completes your life.

Your boys have to learn from you what it means to be content and self-sufficient. These are hard things to swallow, and I feel for you - a lot of lonely nights behind and ahead of me -but I know that when I'm 45, I'll be much happier about myself and my life if I can say that I didn't put my daughter through one bad relationship after another. Trying to save someone else is simply not as important as trying to protect your kids.

When you end this relationship with a mentally ill man, and don't kid yourself, he is mentally ill, your children will feel rejected and hurt. And again, it will take a lot of time for them to adjust, but they can and so can you. And the stronger you are, the better they will adjust. And when they ask, "Where's Jack?" Tell them - "We won't be seeing Jack anymore. I know that makes you sad, and it makes me sad, too, but after a while, I think that we will all be a better family together without him."

J., You are stil very young and so are your boys. If you have any reservations about this realtionship now is the time to let go. You have a long life ahead of you, you find the right one. And the sooner you leave (if that is what you decide) the less time your boys have to get more attached. Good luck to you!

I used to be a single mom and was faced with a similar situation (however, no violence was involved). Let me start by saying this...get rid of that guy. It is more volatile to your children having someone in and out of their lives than to break it off. They probably won't understand and it will take time for you all to heal. As far as balancing what is best for you and them...it's not really that hard. Any relationship that is actually worth having for you is probably good for them. First, however, you need to know that any relationship your in (romantic or otherwise) does not need to be in your kids' lives until you KNOW it is serious. I am talking border line marraige here. It is not good for your kids to keep having people introduced and then removed. However, if you get into a healthy relationship with someone who is stable (emotionally, finacially, etc.) and shares your same beliefs and values than it may be ok to introduce your kids to him. Make sure he knows where he stands as far as they are concerned and that he has the same ideas about child rearing as you. Your kids may rebel to the idea of having a new "daddy" but with time I think you can make it work if it is the right person. Ultimately, this is about loving yourself and your children enough to not settle for anything less than the best. A wise person once told me...women have the potential to see what their man can be instead of what he is. Don't fall for that. Potential is not good enough but you are! God has given you the innate ability to care for your children exactly how they need. Let Him guide you!

You've received some wise advice from women who've been there. I'll pray to the Lord (who by the way, IS the only Perfect Man) that He will give you the strength to end this relationship, the love to make your children your number one priority, and the patience and wisdom to wait until you've completely healed from your previous relationships before beginning another one. God bless.

Dear J.,

It sounds like you have put much thought and emotion into what's right for you and your children here. As the old adage goes, breaking up IS hard to do. I feel for you as I too was getting an energy drain from waffling on a decision & I was a bit lost in confusion, BUT..... I rec'd so much support, guidance, and wisdom from Mamasourcers a couple weeks ago that I was able to work through it with loving care. If you like, you could go check out what I've been "mamasourcing about" and be blessed by their words of advice too.

Warmly, M.

Always put the safety needs of your children first. When you do not know which way to turn, STOP before making any decision and listen to your head - not your heart. It was your head talking when the relationship was "off". Being a single mother can be very lonely, but that is not a good reason to be in a permanent relationship that you are now questioning. Take good care of yourself and your children!

Mine might not be the most popular opinion here....but here goes. First of all, I think that one year out of an abusive relationship for you to be dating is just too soon. The dust has barely settled, you and your kids are finally adjusting and along comes more drama. That is just too soon. And too much for your kids to handle. They truly do not need any more drama.

I'm sorry, but your kids need to have some type of normalcy supersedes your "needs" to be with a man. Bottom line, they must be your first priority, not this dude.

As you can see, there will NEVER be a "normal" for this man. He has nothing to offer your family when they need so much. Cut your losses and let him go. You intimated in your post that you have had difficulties in the past leaving when it was time to leave. If you have already been in a year "off and on" you have already spent too much time trying to get it right. It's not going to happen.

Please give your kids a break. If you should choose to date again, don't bring any man into their lives until you are certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that "he is the one" before you introduce them to your kids. And you probably wont know that in only 4 short months. I cannot stress that point enough... wait, wait, wait.

And when you DO date, stop looking at each guy like "he is the one". Relax a little, enjoy yourself, dont rush into things and just DATE.

I was a single mom for 9 years. Unfortunately, I put my son thru the relationship ringer for half of that time. Men came and went and he was hurt and abandoned over and over. Of course at the time, I was only worried about MY needs...

We talk about it now that he is an adult. Since he couldn't tell me how he felt during that time, he tells me now and it really makes me sad. All I can do is apologize. Wish I had it to do over again.

Hello J.,
Wow, this is quite a question that you have! There is so much to consider and so many different answers that one could give you. I can't help but search my own heart and give you the answer that my frame of reference gives me. So....here goes.
It seems to me that you have done a fantastic job of looking at all the pros and cons, the good and the bad of this relationship and you already know in your heart what you must do, believe me I had to do the same thing. The only difference in my situation was that I actually married the person that I was involved with. From the day that I married him I was sorry. If you are afraid of the ramifications that ending things with him now will have, just imagine how much worse it will be after more and more time spent with this man. Your children's attachenent to him will only be stronger as time goes by, waiting will only make it harder.
If everything was perfect with this man I might suggest that you keep trying but I am not hearing that from you. To be blunt, if things are not near to perfect now, they are not good enough to invest more of your precious time on.
I really feel that your children need to come first at this point in their lives. If you take a risk on this man and end up exposing your children to even more painful situations you will feel horrible about it. Your older son is already having problems coping with what has happened in his life, this situation could be potentially devastating to him.
The right man will come along and your heart will have no doubts when that happens. Also, lets face it, if that does not happen you will still have your precious children.
I know it is hard, believe me, I have been there. I wish someone had said these things to me before I married the man that did so much damage to my children. It is hard being a single parent but there are things that are much harder! So often in life it seems that the right thing to do is also the hard thing to do, but unfortunately that is just the way it is.
I hope I have been a bit of help to you and I am sorry if my answer was not the one that you wanted to hear.
Love and Blessings~
P.

I can only imagine the pain and confusion you must be going through. I've never gone through an abusive situation, but I have walked through this kind of situation with a friend recently. You mentioned that you are determined to do the right thing next time...Let me help you take the pressure off yourself . . You don't have to be the one to make all the perfect decisions!!! As long as you rely on yourself...you'll never be okay. If you haven't yet, get on your knees and tell God everything! Cry, yell, ask...just lay it all out there with Him. Then pray for God to put people in your life who can help you along your road to healing. No earthly MAN will ever make your pain and the kids pain go away! Although, I'M SURE that's NOT what you want to hear...Give your life, your future, your kid's future over to the only ONE who can heal you completely. Pray for God to lead you to a Christian counselor and I KNOW you will begin to really heal!!!! Be brave!!!! Lay it all down!! And let the only one who can really help you, help you!! ...and by the way....keep this man in your life for now...pray for him too...and ask him to go on this journey to heal with you! If he doesn't want to do that...then keep praying for him...but maybe let the distance be an okay thing for a while. I know this was a lengthy response..., but I've had so many times, as a mom, that I've had no choice, but to rely on God...and it works. Hope you hear my heart through this response. (smile)

You should read the book The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel. You would probably learn alot about yourself and why you keep repeating the same pattern.

well i think if u feel is not best for your kids you need to do what you feel is right when you had kids they r frist and you r last thats just they way it is. next time you want to date ,date just dont bring them home to your kids have time for your boys then set time for that person then when you feel its not working out ur kids wont never know its easy for all of you to move on i have older sister who kept the date and childern away from each other until the felt it was right and or the kids was old enough to under stand they talk to ppl a yr and a half and if it anit right they never seen there kids, and i have a sister who has broght ever man she has ever been with home to her kids and just last your her 11 your old son tryed to hang him self because she broke it up with a guy and she told her kids they cant be around him any more, and for you I know it hard and lonly and your doing it alone dot settle becsue you see some signs of a good man becasue God has a ggreat man out there from you and it is him and must times you well send the right man your way who will love you and your childern the way he has. i hope this helps stay blessed

Dear J.,

I can understand how after your first traumatic experience you'd be on a quest in search of the "perfect" man. As you realize now, they don't exist...but then again, we aren't perfect wives/mothers either. I'm very sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex; I know it is an EXTREMELY difficult situation to be in -- and to escape from.

But look at you now; you're a survivor! You took control of your situation and removed yourself and kids so as to not suffer from anymore unnecessary harm. Now you need to draw upon those same strong feelings of confidence, self-control, and integrity (all that you still possess within you but need to find again)and decide if this man is right for YOU - NOT JUST YOUR KIDS.

You were a little vague about your new man and your relationship with him. First of all, are you really in love with him, or are you simply looking for a father-figure for your kids? I would think twice about him if your answer is the latter; don't rule out your own needs.

Many people have Bipolar Disorder and manage quite well on medication. Is your man's illness under control (doesn't sound like it?)? Is he abusive like your ex? What is the real difficulty you're having with him...you didn't really say. If it's the illness that is the problem coming between the two of you, would he be willing to get some help? But is that the REAL problem, or a scapegoat? You need to search your soul and discover your needs and what (who) would make YOU happy. If YOU are happy, your kids will be happy.....if they sense that you are not happy but look more guarded, tense, and unsure of your life, they will feel the same too.

You need to feel safe and secure -- mentally and emotionally, not just physically.....and then you need to make sure your kids feel the same because I sense this "insecurity" (of not knowing what your future holds) is troubling for all of you, and it's preventing all of you from achieving satisfaction, contentment and peace that you so desire.

Remember: It's OKAY to be a single mom. I know it's extrememly difficult at times; I've been there too. AND -- it's OKAY to let someone into your heart again too. There are risks to consider on both sides, but don't be afraid and remain stagnant instead. Do some soul searching and pamper YOUR heart with the right choices. Believe me, your kids will respond and thank you for taking care of yourself first. Good luck sweetie.

Bi-Polar is a serious disorder. It must be treated medically (with Lithium, Lamictal, or antidepressants and mood stabalizers). It's not something he can talk his way out of. If it is managed, he (and you) can live with the condition.

On another note, comming out of an abusive relationship doesn't simply take time. Abuse can leave us scared, and those scares may need to be tended to so that you can heal. Be gentle with yourself in the process.

It sounds like you want to find someone to share your life with. I hope you are being kind to yourself as you search for him. No matter how much you try to head off problems, people aren't perfect. You can't always know in advance. I had some great advice years ago. "Watch the way your date treats his friends and family, because sooner or later you will be one of them." Hope it all works out

Take care,

J.

There is so much going on here and the kids are intuitive. Hard as it may be for you, you really need to "listen" to your kids. My mom was married 3 times. It was very h*** o* us kids. We didn't want another man to take away the attention we needed from her. Most counselors will also tell you to wait at least 3 years after a relationship ends before you begin another one. I went through a divorce when my daughter was 16. She ran away from home. Had she been younger I would have probably had similar problems that you deal with now. Kids really do need time to adjust. They can't understand whath adults do and they depend on us for everything. I waited 5 years before I remarried. After my daughter came back home we spent more time together and went through that healing process together. She learned a lot from my mistakes. She is now married with a daughter. I was married 26 years when my husband left us. It was very difficult for us but we did make it through.

Intimacy is something that should wait until a marriage. Having that kind of relationship without a commitment is even harder later if it doesn't work out. Your kids will be the ones to suffer. As I found out going through my divorce, kids understand so much more than we give them credit for. Even at a young age. I remember mama "running around" after daddy left us. I never liked anyone she brought home. I didn't like seeing them come out of her bedroom or at the breakfast table. It's hard. Young kids are not able to express in language, what they feel so they act out. Even my daughter at 16 ran away because she just had no words as to how she felt.

Just a few things to think about. My situation was a bit different but kids react the same way.

First & foremost, if he has those kind of problems, WHY in God's name would you WANT to maintain a dating/intimate relationship with him? NOT in anyone's best interest.

HOWEVER......that's not to say that you still can't remain friends and do things together with the kids. THAT shouldn't be a problem, particularly if the kids like the guy and see him as a father figure.

Do you have a list of qualifications you want/need in a partner? Doesn't sound like it. DONT settle!! You'll do NO ONE any favors. NOw that kids are a part of the picture, it's even MORE important that you stick to the qualifications. If not, everyone will suffer. You kids will think that settling is what you do when you "get desperate." It's better to be in NO relationship than a bad one. Life becomes a constant drama. Is that what you want for your kids and yourself? If so......you're ALL going to really miss out on alot!

First of all, congrats on leaving. It's sooo hard isn't it? I left, without children involved even, and it was incredibly hard. So I cannot give you enough props for that!! The best advice I can give you starts with a question. What would be worse - pulling someone out of their lives or keeping someone who isn't good for them in the picture, especially when he seems to come and go anyway? How much you love him doesn't matter at all when you have kids. You kids deserve to have someone stable, and if this guy isn't then no if's and's or but's - forget it!! And btw, you tried. Don't beat yourself up for that. You tried, you seemed to be really mature and patient about the whole thing and it didn't work out. Someitmes things just don't go the way you planned, even with the best intentions at heart. I had a horrible marriage before and then I went and rushed in with my fiance and he's the love of my life. You just never know. Don't give up, but don't ever settle for more than you and especially your kid deserve! Life's too short.

No one can tell you what to do, but I think you need to talk with a counselor. Obviously you have taken the right steps for your children and making sure they are scared for life, but I think you need to see why you are attracted to these kind of men. You need to identify if this is someone you want in your life for the rest of your life and then go from there. I have a dear friend whose husband suffers from PTSD and bipolar disorder. They have gone through extensive counseling and have put her husband on something to help with his disorder. He is doing much better and is in a much safer environment for their child. You need to take into account your life and your families and talk him into seeing someone. If he is not open to it, then there's your answer...move on! Good Luck!

I am probably not qualified to answer your question, and have no experience to draw from. But from your words, your uncertainty, and the fact that you are asking at all..... I would err on the side of SAFE for the sake of you and your kids. Those boys are little. Yes, there may be a transition, but in the long run, they won't remember. I know you must desperately want a nuclear family situation. But you will know when 'he' comes and when it is right. My thoughts are to lean on any family, trusted friends, neighbors, coworkers and hopefully church friends that you may have at this time. My thoughts are prayers are with you and the boys... Good luck!

honey, RUN! 5 years from now your kids wont' even remember this! and the situation with this man is far more harmful than any other feelings they may have as a result! men can hide themselves well... sounds like you did all the right things but the crazier they are the better they can hide it! its amazing! do all the right things again, and throw in some prayer and help from God!! you will get there!

I dont have much advice to offer just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from and how difficult it can be. I left an abusive relationship also and fell for a guy who promised to be completely different from my ex. After dating for awhile he become completely obsessed with me. If I went to my (girl)friends house to hang out he would drive around looking for my car. Fortunately I saw the signs and ended the relationship. Afterward my kids told me they had never liked him. Now I am in a new relationship and finding it very difficult to feel secure about anything. I keep waiting to see his bad side and I feel so insecure about his feelings for me. So while I may not have any good advice for you I can say hang in there and know that there are many women who can relate to what you are going through.

If you have to second guess a relationship than you need to get out now. Your children with be fine, trust me, and so will you. Time is way to short to spend it with someone that you are not truly happy with, there will be someone else, I promise.

Hey J.-
Go with your GUT FEELINGS. It sounds to me like you already know that this guy isn't the one for you and your boys. So let him go and again be free. You did it before, you can do it again. Belive in yourself as a single person and as a mother whose gut feelings are right on. I think I also hear an undetone that you are really trying not to"fail" at picking a life partner. Youa re young, very young to have kids so you may have missed out on the trial and error so many of us who married late got to do. It's oky that this guy isn;t hte one... but he sounds like he is a lot closer then the last guy you dated. Take every relationship you end up having and learn from it. You know what you want, you know what you are willing to comprimise on, so this one isn;t the right guy GOOD FOR YOU for letting him go and not getting into another wrong relationship. get where I am going with this. That whole kiss a lot of frogs thing... for most of its its true. By leaving thi guy and not hanging on to the fantisy that he might be something he isn't is the best thing for you and your kids. It's okay that you were wrong this time around. You probably have an even clearer picture of what it is that you really want so you will be even more choosey the next time.

What I really liked most about your info you shared is that you are a wonderfully responsible parent, all the steps you take with relationships and your children are admirable. It is wise that you are cautious and don;t bring home strangemen and that you wait until the relationship is in full bloom to intoduce the guy to your kids. In fact that is the best thing for yout o do. I encourage you to keep this relationship off and go forward with uor life with a moreclear picture of what you want. He's out there looking for you too. Just be patient and keep being so wise.

I'm a single mother as well and I have been through relationships like yours before I had kids. You have to put your children first and although you are worried about taking another person away from them you have to think about what effect this man will have if you let him stay. I am not sure what the problems are but I finally stopped the whole on again off again relationship world when I had my daughter. I tried to stay with her dad but I finally realized that I didn't want her growing up and getting into a relationship that she was treated like I was. Then I light came on and I realized that I deserved better too. This person is modeling behavior (as are you) that your children will take with them wherever they go, so even if you can't see that you deserve better (which you do) then think 20 yrs down the road an picture your children caught in a relationship just like this one. They will likely treat their other half the way you are being treated if left in this situation.
Plus another thought to ponder, children who spend time with bi-polar people tend to exhibit the same traits. Nothing against bipolar people mind you! But if it is not under control you could be passing this onto your kids. It is not just genetic. I have looked this up in the past as my son's father is a bi-polar alchoholic.

I went through basically the exact same scenario. It was a very painful time in my life but today I can tell you that now I am happily married with another son who completes our family. I made a list of qualities I HAD to have in my man. I prayed for this. I met my husband Todd just 6 weeks after I threw my abusive alcoholic husband out. I had 2 boys under 2! I was a mess. But I trusted in my list and my prayers. I didn't introduce Todd to my sons for a year and a half. Now we are one big happy family but I must tell you that your 6th sense is telling you something. If you have any misgivings at all, let him go. Todd continued to prove to me that he was the one. Sure I had doubts but he proved himself time and time again. I realize your children are emotionally connected but if this man is not right their wounds will heal. I would rather be alone with my sons and deal with their problems than be connected to the wrong man and deal with his and my children's problems. Listen to your inner voice. What does it say? I will pray for you. I needed to learn about myself and what I truly wanted in a man before I could settle down again. I was very cautious in the beginning but actions speak louder than words. Todd backed his words with actions. Is this man confirming he's the one or is your voice telling you to run? Your boys need you and you need you. No man is worth hurting your children again.

As much as it may hurt you and your kids end it now. Bi-polar can be very serious if not treated properly and if the person quits taking their medicine for treatment. You have to do what is best for yourself and your children and with bi-polar the same can happen as what did in your old relationship up to perishing. Right now I would concentrate on work and your kids and when the time is right, Mr. right will come along.
D.
I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.