Where Did My Sweet Little Girl Go?

Ahhhh...hormones. I have an 11 year old girl (almost 12) and let me just say that I feel your pain.

All I have done is try and remember how I felt when I was that age. Remember when the hormones started building up, and your emotions were on your sleeve? Everything is so dramatic and blown out of proportion in their tween minds.

As for advice, like others have said some quality alone time, DOES go a long way. Tell her what's going on with her body and her hormones, and give her some suggestions with how to cope. Let her know that you are there to talk. She may not say much at first, but you'd be surprised at what she might ask about. I try to talk when we're in the car or shopping for something for her like clothes.

Also, let her know what is expected of her in your home, and that being hormonal isn't an excuse to be nasty to everyone. It's fine that she feels a little witchy at times, but it's not fine to take it out on the rest of the family.

Talk to her about how you felt when you were her age! Sometimes they think that we have always been "Mom" and to know that you've been in her shoes goes a long way. After a few "oh, man, I remember how THAT felt..." stories, she started opening up more and saying "Mom, did THIS ever happen to you...", etc. Also, this could be connected to friendship issues at school. Sometimes my girl will get down and snappy when her "group" of friends get into fights, or there's a particularly catty girl that's giving her trouble. We can't solve everything for them, but we can be there to listen and let them vent about what "stresses" they have.

As for your husband, if he's a SAHD with several more girls coming down the path, then he needs to get ready for this. He'll have his own ways of dealing with things, but a conversation with him about what your daughter is going through might help him understand as well. Tell him what to expect from her; mood swings, irritability, crying for no reason, etc. Don't expect him to handle everything like you do though. He's Dad, not Mom. He doesn't know how she feels and he never will. Let him be Dad, your daughter will respect him for that.

I hope things get better! But, I have a feeling this is just the beginning!

Hi M.!
Just read all the posts here and Steph has it in the bag!! I've gone through this with four girls and knowledge is the key. By explaining how the hormones affect her emotionally and physically, believe it or not, it reduces the attitude!! When she's going through a rough day, remind her it's her homones. There'll be days that nothing you do or say will make her feel better, however, a reminder will put her in check. And those are the days that you give her space. Let her go to her room and vent in a mirror. LOL!! It's worked for my four! Special time with her helps ALOT!! It shows you care and are in her corner, so to speak. I will say this, the worst thing anyone can do at these times is yell!!! Speaking in a calm voice shows that you are not only listening, but that you're respecting her too. Sounds wierd, but it's true. I don't know the situation there with hubby, but almost sounds like he hasn't been educated on hormones in little girls. Time to get that done! Whew! Guys don't go through the same things girls do, so they have a hard time comprehending all the confusion going on in their bodies and how that affects their moods and such. Heck, even the daughters going through it, don't understand it!! It's a super confusing time and the more they know, the better they can deal. And from years of experience, if you get a handle on this now, the teen years won't be so bad. This is a critical time in your daughter's life. And how you choose to handle it, will have a direct bearing on her outlook as a teen. If she can come to you now, with this going on, and know that you and dad will be there to listen and respect her feelings, then she'll naturally come to you in her teens. This is tried and true!! So chin up! Just asking for advise shows how much you love her!!! Kudos to you, M.!!! Just remember, practise makes perfect, and you're gonna get ALOT of practise!!!! LOL!!

Just Me!
S.

Wow.. That's a really hard one because i have never been there. I have a 5 year old going on 16,lol.. I guess you can just try to tell her what you wrote here, that everything makes her upset and you want to know what's going on and why she is being like this. Maybe on some saturday, you and her can have a "Girls Day" take her out for lunch and just talk, go do some shopping, or something.That might be her problem that there are so many kids now that maybe she feels like she don't get any time with you. Ya know? I wish i had more to say to help..

Best Of Luck..
J. F.
East Moline, IL

i have two boys et two grandbabies the most inportant advice i can give to you is to be as open et honest about almost everything et even if ur disagreeing on things always tell her u love her et remind her that you are always there for her et she can talk to u about anything. if u leave the communication line open eventually she will out grow some of this neg. teen stuff et things will be ok. be pt et hang in there mom!! tc

the teen years...a period when you are going to be the dumbest people on earth whether she wants to admit it or not. However, whether she likes it or not she still has to respect your decisions and other people. Just be matter of fact with her. And when she decides to be "overly hormonal" just stop her and tell her how it is. If she persists, send her too her room or something until she can behave appropriately.

Unfortuneately, our society has allowed ourselves to become overly sensitive/take advantage of our generosity(physical/emotional) at times. It's one thing to comfort and be empathetic. it's something else to cater to extremes. As your daughter enters womanhood she's entering new territory so she's going to explore what she can and can't do. kind of like when she was a toddler and she threw tantrums, just these are more sophisticated in their output. She's trying to establish what she has control over in her uncertain, changing world.

Dear M. F.
You poor thing. I have 3 grown daughter (28,25 &23). I have been there. But this will change, but mine didn't change till around 18, SORRY. Then you will have your good daughter again. I didn't like my daughters at that time. But I would trade them for the world. IT WILL CHANGE, BELIEVE ME. Good luck.
Mom of 4 grown and 10 grandchildren only 2 grandaughters and one on the way.
D.

Have you seen her Doctor any time soon? Yes she is going through alot and 10 is now about the age girls get their periods. Your husband is insenstive cause he is a man he has no clue but maybe get books on father/daughter type material if he is a reader. But hang in there I hope my advice was somewhat good. R.

If you are mainly speaking about her becoming a woman in the sense of starting her period and the hormones that come with that.. i would try to medically try to explain this to your husand and her. and also give her the tools of how to handle these feelings once she feels them. it's ok to have angry/hormonal feelings. we all have knee jerk reactions/feelings,,it's what you do with those feelings once you feel them that makes you a woman/mature. she's on the verge of becoming a mature. hard to believe 10 is already considered mature..lol lol.
what i mean by "it's what you do with those feelings once you feel them " is,, it's ok and normal to have all feelings, however, she has to be taught certain techniques on how to handle these feelings, deal with them, and now act on every feeling she has. then express those feelings in a more respectful manner to you and your husband or anyone really. this is a good lesson on how to interact with the rest of the world as well.

i like the idea of just a 'big girls' day out.. gives you some relaxed space to just talk about certain things in a girl to girl manner where she may not feel like 'moms coming down on me'.. or it's a lecture. also it's healthy for young girls to hear stories about thier own mother and their struggles and imperfections. helps them feel less alone and that they can come to you. i totally agree with you on being a united front as parents and not saying something to your husband in front of her. even with my little ones.. we try to practice this as well.. and we talk a lot about different things i'm doing during the day that is working,,and want him on board with as well. he is always right there with me.

lastly.. i wouldn't let her use 'becoming a woman' (getting period and hormones) use that as an excuse to be mean to anyone.
good luck.. must be a good guy to be a stay at home dad:-)
T.

Hi M.,
I know what you mean! I have a 9 year old who acts like she's going on 20. I recently bought a book that has given me insight into girls as well as boys. It's called Talking to Tweens:Getting It Right Before It Gets Rocky with Your 8 to 12 Year Old by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer. I got it at our school's book fair but I think the bookstores would have it. It has a lot of suggestions on how to talk to kids, allowing them some independence while still being age appropriate.

I would also think about taking her out on her own for a treat and let her know that you've noticed that she's cranky and that you would really like to know what is making her so angry or ask her if she has any suggestions for improving things at home. You never know-it might be something really simple or she might just feel better by being consulted and asked for her opinion. I think we have this expectation of our older children that they take care of themselves while we take care of the little ones but they are still children. Just a thought!

I think that if your husband is going about things in a way that you are not liking then you need to talk to him! There is no way that he understands what is going on with your daughter OR the next 4 that will be going through this! Just sit him down and try to explain what and how you think that he should handle the girls. It will be really hard for him to understand! But if he continues to act that way I can guarantee that she will not get any better! As for your daughter now is the time that you should be spending quality time with her so when she has questions she will come to you.