I posted a couple of days back that my brother and his wife will be seperating. I feel awful their marriage did not work. As I had posted his wife chose alcohol and the bars over their marriage. The wife does have a big drinking problem with her mother, grandmother, and aunt also have drinking problems, but I think the wifes mom is the worst out of all of them. With my brother in the house I at least felt like their was a chance for my neice to avoid that and to guide her in the right direction. Now, I am more worried then ever that the awful cycle will continue on with my neice as she gets older and sees her mom and grandmas lifestyle (everyday at the bar before they even make it home, few drinks once they do get home, and back out to the bar after kids are in bed).
My brother and soon to be ex wife are still living at the same house - until it sells. After that the mom is getting custody of my neice. B/c of the hours my brother works he is unable to get full custody of her. He will be picking her up from school in the afternoons, feeding her dinner and then the mom is going to pick her up for her to sleep at the moms house and mom will be responsible for taking her to back to school.
So what happens now? Do you have experience with an alcoholic mother? How can the cycle be stopped?
My neice is 5 years old. I live an hour and a half from her.
My mom is an alcoholic. She doesnt think she has a problem so all attempts at getting her to stop drinking havent worked . You can send someone to rehab, but if they dont think they have a problem they wont get better. They are support groups for families of alcoholics. Al-Anon is very helpful
The only person who can "fix" an alcoholic is the alcoholic.
Personally, I think it's crazy to allow a child to spend the night with an alcoholic. I don't understand why he doesn't plan to fight for custody. Millions of kids have parents who work odd hours. Get a babysitter who covers odd hours. It's what a single mother would do.
His work schedule has nothing to do with custody. They have day care centers etc. for parents who work odd hours. To break the cycle I think your brother should try for custody of his little girl. If nothing else to make sure she is safe.
why wouldn't your brother choose to get another job or daycare or befoe school, or hire a babysitter for before school? there are a lot of ways he could keep her...he should put her first and do whatever possible to keep her...a simple work scehdule issue is not a good enough reason to leave your child with someone you feel is so unfit you're leaving...so whats hes too good for it but his 5 year old isnt? I don't mean to be grumpy but I grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad and mom that partied until I was 8.....so yea I have a chip o my shoulder with this issue...BUT seriously he should man up and protect his daughter and fight for full custody and if he has to move in with family to help or hire a sitter or live in a small aparetment to work less hours so be it!
The work schedule has nothing to do with the custody agreement. That is what daycare is for! Please consider talking to your brother and tell him to keep pushing for full custody. Having an alcoholic parent that is currently out of control, is not an environment that a child needs to be in. Does the court know she is an alcoholic? Maybe they could send her to rehab and then she could ask for partial custody. Since I don;t have all the facts its hard to say-but this decision seems backwards.
M
He finds overnight care and fights for custody. The cycle can only be stopped if your niece learns a new way to live. That's not going to happen living with an alcoholic. Plus, will she be left home alone at night when her mother goes to the bars? How old is she? Can she be left alone at your brother's home or is their someone he can have sit with her until he gets home from work? Please encourage your brother to find another way. If living with a raging alcoholic doesn't work for him, how is it going to work for a child?
Your brother and your neice need to start attending alanon meetings. I would also suggest that even though your brother may not want to have to do this...he needs to revisit custody arrangements. All he has to do is be honest with his lawyer, tell him what is going on in the house, fearing for his daughter's long-term welfare. Your brother cannot let money dictate the lengths he might need to go to to get his daughter out of her mother's house. It is his responsibility to protect his daughter. I would do everything that I had to do to get her away from her mother under these circumstances.
My thoughts and prayers for your family. D.
Have your brother and mother keep a journal with things that concern them about your niece's mother. They need to document everything. And if she ever leaves the girl alone they need to call 911. If she's ever drunk and driving with the girl, they need to call 911. This way they can have official documentation when she does something to endanger the girl and they can have CPS/DCYF on their side when it comes to custody. They have to be sure to minimize their side of the drama and simply do what it takes to keep her safe, but keep their eyes and ears open. Call the police each and every time the mother endangers that girl. At some point, maybe she'll hit rock bottom and the court or CPS will help her get sober. Most importantly is that this mother gets clean and sober so that this little girl can have a functioning mother.
My father is an alcoholic, as are my older and younger brothers. Both my older sister and I aren't. Although it is said to be "passed along" my older brother and sister are from my mother's first marriage so it was 50/50 in my family's case. To project at this stage of the game is less productive then to try to prevent. There are some illnesses that are truly unavoidable, like my bipolar disorder but there are also some that can also come thru because of the environment we are raised in, personalities we grow into due to our surroundings, etc. It is unfortunate that your neice is going thru this, but the most important thing is that your brother get her help to understand the difference between the healthy way of handling life's mishaps early on so she doesn't turn to the drinking later on. I think it is admirable of you to want to learn as much about this as you can and you should be proud of yourself for being there for her in this way. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and the best of luck to you.
I think the best thing for your niece is that your brother always reassure her when the timing is right that things can change and she doesn't have to go down the same road.
My dad grew up with an alcoholic father and although my dad did enjoy drinking back in his day, he said he knew he didn't want to be like his father. And actually none of my dads siblings are drinkers. I think this could also happen with your niece.
But I think the important part is for their to be positive influences in your niece's life and it sounds as though there is.
Pray like crazy, offer to take her as often as possible for weekends or whatever. I grew up with an alcoholic father and it was a nightmare. Let's hope the mom either gets help or does something bad enough to lose custody. Oh yeah, if there's any chance that you can know where she is when she's drinking and that she'll be driving. Try and call the police and see if she'll be caught. Don't leave your name of course.
I don't want to sound mean towards the mother. But I know what it's like and could care less about her in this situation. Your brother may want to consider trying to find a job that will look better to the courts and if anything happens that he can legitimately turn her in for without being a pest.. He can get the courts to appoint a CASA worker for his daughter.
First off.. I would be concerned about your niece living with the alcoholic mother. I can't see how that would be good for her. In addition, who knows when the mother will do something stupid. like drive while drunk with your niece in the car.
Your brother needs to attend Alanon. He can make sure that your niece is not sucked into the cycle that is: enabling.
Your brother, you, and your niece need to understand that alcoholism is a disease that is serious. Sick people make poor choices. In short--your nice will need to learn to call a spade a spade.
Who knows "what happens now"? Probably, your ex SIL will not change until she is sick and tired of being sick and tired. And that may not happen for a long time b/c it sounds like she has plenty of supporters and enablers and alcoholics around her to allow her drinking to continue.
You cannot lose a child because you drink alcohol but you CAN lose custody id you are neglecting or endangering the child. If your ex SIL does this, she needs to be reported. Repeatedly. Maybe that will bring her "bottom" up so that she gets the help she really needs. If it was logical, NO O. would *choose* alcohol over their child. She's sick. She needs help. When she's ready.
Oh--and your brother CAN get custody--no matter his work hours--he just needs daycare and or a babysitter. After all, that's what single moms do all the time right?
(I hope that's not a convenient excuse to leave this little girl in a situation that could be considered dangerous.)
Good luck!
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Being from divorced parents will allow your niece to become a drinker in order to "solve" her own self esteem issues. Whomever her caretakers end up to be, their job will be hard one. Since alcoholism is genetic. Steering your niece into sports and other things that require a healthy lifestyle will be the best chance she has at not wanting to drink when she's older. Lot's of people come from "drunk" households and choose not to drink themselves, others just follow suit. It's really a guessing game and one that you ultimately cannot control when the child becomes of age.
My father was an alcholic and I stayed as far from that as possible. So there is always a chance and choice. It will be up to your brother to take care of his daughter appropriately and spend the time needed so she can see another side. Unfortunately the worse thing you can do is start putting down that mom in front of that kid. You are aunty and need to have a supportive but non judgemental role. Be a good ear for your niece that she can learn to trust without worry you will blow it up and make a deal about her inner thoughts and emotions on the subject
i had an alchoholic father. i went thru a period of 6 months after i turned 21 where i drank, but i can't stand the taste of it. my brother was well on his way to being an alchoholic before he got married. my older sister enjoys a good drink when she's out and she will get drunk, but she only does this every once in a while. my younger sister drinks beer sometimes, but not often. i think it's what a child takes away from the experience. i also personally believe it can be hereditary. even if your brother got a new job, your SIL would still have the right to see her, so him changing jobs wouldn't really matter. what i would do is make sure that your niece knows how to use the phone. make sure she knows her fathers work number and yours and 911. if your SIL is only pretty much having her at night, then your niece will be sleeping, so hopefully she won't be exposed more than she needs to be. good luck
If the mother is that bad, she should not have custody at all. That is ridiculous! If I were your brother I would go back to the courts and get the ruling changed. You can always figure out care for the child.
Now that I go that off my chest, it is impossible to know what will happen to this little girl. I am from a heavy alcoholic family and I like to drink sometimes but never really took to it like other members of my family, whereas my brother took it to a whole new level. Both of us were brought up by the same two parents, and our parents are still married to this day. My dad drinks a lot every day but has always been what is labeled a "functioning alcoholic", he never lost it or acted drunk or crazy, he just sat and drank - a lot! His drinking and our family history just hit us kids differently.
Same situation with my husbands family, he and his sister do not have any sort of drinking problem but his 40 year old sister lives with his mother because she even tries to drink at work and gets fired all the time.
I would still suggest this little girl be in the stronger environment. There is no telling what her mother will be like when not monitored by your brother. I venture to guess that the courts were not made aware of her drinking or they wouldn't have given her full custody. I think it's time they know so a proper ruling can be made.
