What Do I Tell My Son About His Dad!?!?

I've dealt with this for almost nine years and I agree with some of the things said, but whole-heartedly disagree with others. First, I agree that you don't ever need to say anything negative about the father. BUT...you also shouldn't give him any points he hasn't earned. You don't know that your ex would see his children if he lived closer (my ex is about 8 miles away and doesn't) and if you volunteer that his daddy loves him, he's going to see the difference in the way you love him and the way his daddy "loves" him and be very confused about what love is. My suggestion would be - when your son asks why he doesn't see daddy or why daddy doesn't call - answer him honestly, "I don't know, but you can call him any time you want." You can't make your ex do anything and he either doesn't realize or doesn't care how his absence and lack of contact affects his son. What you can do is prove to your son that he can count on you to tell him the truth, even when it's difficult. My kids are 11 now and I promise, knowing that I love them and will always tell them the truth have been the 2 most important things.

You definitely have to be sensitive to this type of situation. You know that he's choosing not to come around but you can't say that to your son. What I told my son was that it was difficult for him to come see them since he lived so far away but if he wanted we could try calling him. Also let your ex know that you aren't going to make up lies for him. It got to a point where I was basically having to tell my son that I didn't know why his dad didn't come see him but I'm sure he missed him and then I would try to change the subject or focus his interest on something else. Eventually my son's father did start coming around and spending time with him and my son loves it but definitely has a stronger bond with his step father and looks to him as his dad. Make sure you don't say anything bad about the father. You have to be the bigger person and let your children make up their own mind about him. I don't ever bring him up but if my son does then I do try to discuss with him and answer any questions he might have. Good Luck

Morning M.;

My dad was killed in a work related accident just before I was born! I ask the same thing of my mother, where's my
dad, why can't he come visit me! Well of course that was
totally out of the question in my case.
Personally I think you should be very honest with your son and tell him that his father lives in a different state a long way from where you are and that makes it almost impossible for him to come see him. When you tell him this you should make sure that your daughter is also there, she
won't care but it will be in her memory and save you the same questions later.
Now, if the jerk still doesn't come to see them in the next few months, when he has time, then, I would not say he doesn't love you, but, that it would be too h*** o* him to visit because he would want to take you back with him and he can't do that!
Hard situation, Good Luck
B. C.

This is such a hard thing to get advice on. While I agree with the last comment, I also disagree.

IF you know his father won't be around, then it might not be a good idea to have him see the kids at all. Do you want him to come once and then wait another year or so before he sees him again? A year to a child that age is FOREVER!~ If he is in town and doesn't come to see them, that is a huge hint right there.

I hate to sound mean or uncaring but it doesn't sound like he wants to see his own kids. That is not your fault, that is not the kids fault. But what you need to do is protect your children. Protect them from getting heartbroken. Sure you can talk to your son and let him know his father lives far far away and then take his mind off of his father. Kids that age are very distractable and when he starts getting older, if his father doesn't come around, it will become a part of his life... the fact that his father is gone. The questions about his father might come less and less.

I don't know what kind of person your ex is, but if he can come into town three times without seeing his children, then he really DOES NOT CARE TO SEE THEM. I promise you. If he wanted to see them, he would come see them when he's in town.

I don't know if you've met another man or not, but eventually you will and if he is the right one, he will be an awesome father figure. :)

I have the same issue. My children haven't seen their father in almost 8 years. He moved away and has nothing to do with the kids at all. He never calls, never sends them anything for Christmas or bdays. Last time he did talk to the kids two years ago, he told them he couldn't afford to visit because he has to pay me child support. He has remarried and has two step children. I know I have to get passed the anger of him ignoring his children but it is hard. Emails I have sent to him over the years about his kids having problems that he should call to talk to them, go ignored. I know they are better off without him because of his constant lying and selfishnesss, but it is hard when the kids want the relationship but he won't give anything in return. Just be there for them and let them know that you love them and will always be there for them. I don't bad mouth their father but I do tell them, I can't control what he does, only he can make his own decisions.

I've never been in your position, but it seems that you could just tell your son that his dad lives far, far away in another state and it's too far for him to come to visit, but that he loves him and will come someday when he can. Don't dwell on it. Quickly divert his attention. Do you have friends who are single mothers with children? Maybe if he had playmates who don't have dads either he'll stop asking. You are lucky the ex lives out of state. At least you have distance as an excuse.

I like the idea of asking your ex to call your son once a week. Do this without your son's knowledge. Either he will make it clear (your ex) that he doesn't care to do this or has "compelling reasons" why he can't (he doesn't want to), or else he will agree to try. Again, say nothing, but when the time he agrees to call comes, he will call or he won't. If he does, that's a nice surprise, for you and your son! Let them talk, and see what happens at the same time next week. In books on recovery for kids who grew up in alcoholic families and have a hard time knowing if people are "safe" (that is, reliable) or not because they grew up surrounded by unrelible, unsafe people, this pattern is called "share/check, share/check" That is, you try sharing a small thing with someone. In this case, it would be that your son misses his father and could use a regular phone call. Then you stand back and see what happens. If he SAYS he wants to help, and that he will call at a mutually agreeable time, and then he CALLS, then that's great! You can, at some point in the future, if the calls remain consistent, share more about your children's needs and development with him and perhaps hope to get some more appropriate support for them. But if he says he can't manage to call because this week is so busy or whatever and tries to find reasons to STAY out of contact with a son he hasn't been in touch with in two years and who is asking why he is completely gone from his life, then, sadly, this is a man who is broken in that way and surely won't be able to make the far greater effort to come visit the kids.

Unfortunately parents like this have a way of occasionally drifting into their kids lives at the worst possible moments, so it won't exactly work, if he can't manage any kind of simple consistency, to tell your kids "look, your father is just broken in terms of his being able to love and connect with great kids -- that is him, not you, and for now I and the adult friends around us are your family and we are hear for you because we can be -- your father would be if he could -- it's very sad he can't stay connected with you, but it has nothing to do with you," because once in awhile he probaby will call or send a card or turn up on your doorstep with balloons. So, "he's far away, I'm sure he would come if he could and I am sure he will come when he can" are also true, and simpler nd safer.

Good luck -- I hate it when parents are so broken then can't meet their kids needs at even the simplest levels -- so sad for both the child and the parent -- think about how damaged someone has to be before they can't meet even the most basic needs of their own child! I know for me as an adult healing came like lightening when I realized that anyone who couldn't love a great kid like me and wasn't proud to have me as their child was really very damaged, and I was able to feel compassion for my parents rather than anger. I've felt much lighter ever since! Anything to help your son know HE is just fine -- a fabulous kid -- and that circumstances beyond his fathter's control are preventing his father from staying connected, is both true and good for your kid's self esteem.

M.

You don't want to get a reputation for talking bad about your ex to your kids. The thing is they need to make their own decisions about how they feel about him as they grow.

As your son is only 4 years old, I would simply say to him that daddy lives far away and it is difficult for him to come see him. See if your ex will at least talk to your son once a week on the phone. That way your son has some contact and doesn't feel completely abandoned by his father.

If your ex will not even spend a few moments per week on the phone with your son, then just explain to your son that it is not his fault that his dad doesn't see him. Don't blame his father either...blame the distance or work or anything but his father. He is too young to understand about adult choices that hurt other people.

In the meantime see if you can convince your ex to come see you children, find time to take them to see your ex, or convince him to talk to them on the phone. Remind him that they love him and that your and his relationship has nothing to do with the kids.

Good Luck...

You shouldn't say anything at all. If he questions about his father have him call his dad and ask him these questions. Over time your son with form his own opinions of his dad, whether favorable or unfavorable with out resenting you because of your influence of his opinion of his dad.

Hi M.,
I would just be very careful not to "talk to dad" in the presence of the children and I would just re assure the 4 yrs old that "daddy loves him very very much but that he lives a very long way away" and would love to spend time with him when he can get time off from work. I would notlet the little one know when daddy has free time or not- as long as he knows "daddy" really does love him but his job takes him far away he can understand that. The time will come when he will be able to understand more but for now that should be all he needs to know.
I have a grand daughter who has a son, now 7, and an absentee dad- even tho the dad supports him well he does not see him and this is what she did- just keep re assuring him that Daddy loves him but is far, far away right now. Maybe that will work for your situation.
Good luck and Blessings

I am sorry to hear about what you and your son are going thru.
I agree w/ the 1st responder. Fortunately kids are very literal at this age and simply telling him that his father (hard to call this one a daddy) lives and works far away is probably the best approach. YOu may know he has been in the area, but that is just a part of the world that only you should carry for him at his age.
If you have other relatives or friends that live out of state, you might want to try a using a globe or a map to introduce him to the distances people live including his father.
You might want to ask his father to email or online chat (both give you control over the conversation), that way if it is inconsistant, you can chose to save them so he can get line and see them any time his wants.
My 4 yr old grandson lives w/ us while his Daddy (Daddy has full custody) is deployed and he is fortunate enough to get to talk to him a 2 or 3 times a week. He only emails occasionally but when he is missing him we just open one up and it helps. When they do the online chat he sends him all kinds of characters (friendly monsters and kisses) after they get off line I just minimize the screen from the chat call, and he can see the images his Daddy sent him until the next call.
While it sounds like we are not in the same situation and it is true as far as the Daddy picture goes but, his mother has only contacted him 3 times in nearly 6 months and twice was only after I called her. Our little guy is partially disabled so legally I have to call her and let her know about medical procedures outside of all of his other therapies, hense my contact. His mother does live far away and we have lots of relatives that live far away so the map and globe have been a good tools. She too has been gone a long time (since he was 20 months old) and he does get to see her 1 time a year for 2 weeks (sorry to say this only happens if dad picks up the tab, not her like the court ordered, but in this case we think it is best if he sees her occasionally).
The good news is; while he asks for Daddy every day he only rarely asks about mom and the email thing works for those times. This is how the email thing has worked w/ her: When he just asked a question I would answer it, when he wanted more or I felt he needed more (and just as important I had the time and the patience to be kind toward her for his sake, giving you/me some control over an uncontrolable and emotion packed situation) we would open one of her 2 emails. She had included a picture in one of them so we open it up. He has only looked at them a couple of times and because I had some say when he opened them (meaning my judgemental emotions where in check) he knows he can see them any time and he just isn't that interested.
And while none of us probably care if it is easier on your ex to be in contact via email, if it gets him to contact his kids (and of course you feel he is a safe man) than that would be a good thing for them in the long run.

Try your hardest not to say what a lousy father he is. The kids can't comprehend that. No matter what he does, he is still their dad and always will be!!
But don't take the guilt of him not visiting on yourself. When your son asks about his dad, call him right then!! You have not done anything wrong to feel guilty about unless you don't let him visit.
This will work better than trying to make your ex call your son.
In my opinion, a divorced relationship should be the same as if he lived with them. Did he play with him when he lived with them? Did he take him by himself when he lived with you? It may just be his parenting type to be hands off. Sad for the kids but there are some parents who live with the kids who don't do this.
And I agree-if you can go to counseling, they know better ways to explain things to your son. Do it know before he becomes a troubled teen!!

Just give your son the facts and let him draw his own conclusions. Never say negative things about his Dad. He will figure those out for himself. Say something like, "Daddy lives so far away that he can't see you as often as he would like." Give just enough information to satisfy your son's curiosity. He will stop asking questions when that happens.

Hi M.,

I had and issue similar to yours. At the time of my divorce, my kids were 3 and 1. I never spoke negative about their dad because I wanted them to grow up and form their own opinion about him. I never denied him any visitation with the kids, even though he didn't see them that often. My advice to you is to be positive about the family you do have. Tell them that all families are different and special. That their dad lives far away and it's a little harder for him to see them. Talk with your ex about the questions that your kids are asking and see if he is willing to make some sacrifices. Communication will help him come around, but try not to argue about the situation, but make it very clear that this issue is very important for your children. My kids are now 13 and 11. He was not very involved at the beginning, but it didn't take him long to come around. Now they go to the movies together all the time, he takes them to the park, he does a lot with them!!! He's remarried and has two girls. I get along really well with his wife and we are all involved with the choices that our kids are making!!! My main thing is BE POSITIVE and don't talk bad about their dad, let them make their own opinion when they get older. They will be thankful about everything YOU did for them and with them!!! BE THE BIGGER PERSON!!!

I don't agree with asking your ex to call his kids once a week. I think if he's not really interested in being a father, that feeling will come across in his tone and could leave your kids feeling more confused and more rejected.

Next time your son asks about his dad and why he can't see him, just stay calm and admit that you don't know why. Then offer to have your son call his dad. Ex may not appreciate it; but too bad. It's not realy about his feelings, it's about your son.

I would seek family counseling for you. The counselor can help give you ideas on how to explain things to your son so that he can understand. I will warn that the longer this continues, the more likely your son is to start feeling rejection and anger and could start acting out. Nip it in the bud and start talking to a counselor before it gets to that point.

Keep responses minimal and positive or at least not negative, like well he lives in another state and sometimes it's really hard to make the trip. They will soon learn the truth about him if they don't already know it. If you say anything truly negative about him, even if true, they will hold it against you. If you remain neutral or positive, then they will hold things against him and you won't have anything to do with it because you have done nothing but be supportive of them being together. This will hurt them, and your job is to make that hurt minimal and short-lived; and to continue to make sure that the opportunities are freely given to be together. Then, you've done your part.