Very Sweet Child with Very Demanind/Bossy Behavior

You've told her that mommy and daddy are the bosses at home and teacher is in charge at school but she has not LEARNED it. what would you do if you were trying to teach her the colors and she wasnt learning it? Keep trying and trying in different ways. you'd never say "well we already told her that was red." You need to be teaching this in a Stonger way. God forbid she is ever in an emergency situation and NEEDS to be quiet an listen to the adult in charge. Talk with the teacher and tell her you want to step working on this behavior. Her behavior chart should have a box for a star when she isnt telling the other children what to do, a star for not yelling at the other children, a star for not talking out of turn. etc. this is an ingrained habit for her and hard to break but easier Now then in the future. The teacher needs to bring it to her attention every single time. At home be strict with not letting her interrupt adult conversation. Teach her to say excuse me and make her wait two minutes before it is her turn to talk. Have lots of play dates at your house and supervise closely, reminding her whenever her behavior is bossy.
We have a child like that in my K where I teach, and honestly, no one likes her. She has to have attention every minute. The important thing is you realize it is a problem and are willing to work on it. I'm sure you can make this better before she becomes disliked.

Haven't read all the responses and I don't think I have much help for you, but I would seriously turn off the Disney channel. Just because it's Disney, doesn't mean it's wholesome and demonstrates behavior you'd like your child to display. Most of the "kids" on those shows are quite bossy and have major attitudes to boot. Some kids - especially small ones - don't understand that the behavior they see isn't appropriate. Good luck.

No offense but I am wondering if part of it could be from the way that you and your DH treat her. Are you being TOO supportive of her...hanging on her every word like it is gospel? praising the simplest sketch like it is Picasso? Allsowing her to partake in adult conversation? Laughing when she is precocious because it is so 'cute'? I have found that often kids who behave like your daughter are the center of the universe at home-usually the first or only child. They have never been led to believe that they are anything but perfect in all they do. And they are never scolded for their precocious behavior. Not saying this is you but it is something to think about.

speak with the school counselor & ask her to observe your daughter in action. We've requested help from the counselor....many times thru the years & have had excellent results.

Ok, so that's my practical response....now for the goofball one: put her with some older kids & they'll knock some sense into her! Kids teach kids very well, but expect some tears along the way. (Conversely, that's where she could be picking it up!)

& I do have some thoughts on this:
recently one of my daycare moms commented on how much her daughter was bossing at home (& I see it daily). Her DD is highly critical of everyone's moves...& she was actually mimicing her older brother a lot of the time, because he does it too. Mom said, "omg, I hope I'm not teaching them how to do this! I'm pretty picky!" My immediate response was that I had never, ever heard her criticize her kids.....& I've known her 3 years now. But when she had that flash of insight....it really made her look at the family dynamics......& that might be something you may need to think about. (& I don't think that's mean to say.....)

Next thought would be: what does she watch on tv? I am absolutely against most of the kids programming available. I do not like any of the shows where somebody screws up & then fixes it by the end of the show! I rarely watch sitcoms because of this..... With my last group of kids, they all loved Hannah Montana & I HATED the program & most of Nick's kids shows too. So maybe?? that's where your DD is getting this mindframe??

I hope some of this helps.......Peace!

i don't know how you have raised her. i am sure she is a wonderful child. my son is too, he is sweet, kind, helpful, and cute as a bug to top it all off. he is only 4. i find myself wondering, do i tell him how wonderful he is TOO much? do i give him the impression the world revolves around him (because for me, it does)? will all this positive reinforcement (while still expecting him to behave and mind, of course) backfire on me? i am not trying to be unkind but since i have had these thoughts, i wonder if you have? maybe you're not the same kind of mom i am. but might be something to think about.

as far as what to do, this is a behavior issue like any other. i would keep monitoring her school behavior closely, and be consistent with discipline when she acts out at school. the thing about discipline is, even if we're doing it right, it doesn't always make an obvious, IMMEDIATE impact like we want it to. it sounds like you are on top of things and i am sure that in time she will get over this phase when she learns that it will ALWAYS bring negative results. i would also think about any new friends she might be around where she might have picked up this behavior. but in the end it doesn't matter where it came from. consistent teaching and discipline and she will get over it. good luck. it sounds like you're a great mom. hang in there!

Hi VJ,
It sounds like you have a brilliant daughter who has leaderlike qualities. I would definitely try to cultivate.
Maybe her teachers don't know how to cultivate a smart child? They should be lauding her and encouraging her inquisitiveness, not putting her down or stifling her leadership.
I might talk to them or the principal about it.
I think your daughter sounds special.

Just a thought.
You are doing great momma.

OH VJ,, I am sooo soaking up every response and taking notes and advice right and left! My grand daughter is just like this. Shes not yet 4 and hasnt started school, but I just know she will be exactly this way and I am scared for her. Gosh shes the most adorable sweet likable thing. Smart, and funny but man can she boss people around and demand us to say what she wants us to say, as if shes written a script and we are playing the roll shes chosen for us. Ive mentioned this before. We go along with it when playing but it sure is hard to put up with now and then. Yep shes an only child. M. and dad arent together. She goes off to his house on weekends, and while there, we know she has a variety of people she stays with. She has her other grama, her aunt, her dads girlfriends M. and dad(thats where dad lives) and his dad and step M.. Then there is my husband and myself during the week when M. is at school and work and moms house when she isnt working or in class. Sure shes got tons of people who love her but I can only imagine how out of control she feels her life is and as some have said, shes grabbing at any control she can to survive. Not given much choice she is under everyone elses control. I sure wonder what will happen in the fall when she starts preschool. Shes so excited and thrilled to know there will be other kids and toys and fun, so Im hoping she will do well, but it may very well be tough for her to let go of the control and just be the little kid. Hang in there. I will think of you.. keep us in your thoughts too.

My daughter has a similar personality. I am constantly reminding her who the boss is. If she wants to be the boss then she can go & get a job, learn how to drive, take care of the house & buy her own presents for b-day, Christmas, etc. She is now 7 & it is easier to reason with her than when she was in kindergarten. I also remind her that she is responsible for herself while others are responsible for themselves. I am also responsible for her because God put me in charge of her because she is not capable of taking care of herself yet. Asking her questions might be a way to help with this situation. First off, let her know who is in charge at school (teachers, principle, etc) & at home (Mom, Dad, babysitter, Grandparents). Then when she tries to take over, ask her who is in charge right now? Are you in charge or is the adult in charge?

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I didn't read all of your responses, but here is my 2 cents.
1. I think she is bored. Maybe the teacher can give her an extra worksheet, so she is finishing up when the other kids do. (You could buy a K workbook from a store & have her keep it in her desk, to work on when she finishes whatever the teacher assigned. That way the teacher doesn't have to do any extra work.)
2. I think she might not know how to play alone with kids. When you are with her, you are the boss. When the teacher is around, she is the boss. When its just kids, she assumes someone needs to be the boss & takes that role. I recommend doing some role play with her where you pretend to be another kid & practice playing. When she does something bossy, stop her & ask "is there a nicer way you could have said/done that?". Give her strategies & detailed "rules" for playing with other kids. Remind her to take turns. Even something as simple as, "kid one is boss for 5 mins, kid 2 for 5 mins, etc".
3. Stop telling her she is bossy & stop telling her she is smart (I will explain). Kids play the role they think you expect. If you tell her she is bossy, she will be bossy. (ex. when my son was little, he was shy. I would apologize to people we met, saying "he's just shy". When he got a little older, he would hide behind me even in places we'd been before, When I asked him what was wrong he said, "I'm just shy". In trying to make things easier, I had actually made things worse. I immediately stopped using the word shy & stopped trying to explain his behavior. Within a few weeks the shyness went away. It still reappears once in a while, but its rare.) As for the smart bit...I read an article recently about this & it fit my son exactly & may also fit your daughter. When kids are told they are smart, they believe they are born with intelligence & that everything should come easily to them. When something does not come easily, they immediately think they are dumb (even if they don't have the word to express that) & they get frustrated & quit early, without really trying. Instead you should praise with words like, "you worked so h*** o* that & I love it", or "I'm glad you tried so hard", or "great practicing", etc. Your daughter may be having trouble relating with the other kids & in frustration she reverts to bossiness.
Good luck.

Hi, V.J.:

When you reported that your husband and you are bosses at home and the teacher is the boss at school is a red flag to me.

This is teaching her to be bossy.

Whenever your child has inappropriate behavoir sit down with her and chat.
Asking her these questions by separating the "deed from the doer."

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you havve done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

You can respond to her by answering these questions:

1. Tell her whhat you thought when you realized what had happened?
2. Tell her what imppact this incident has had on you and on others?
3. Tell her whhat has been tthe hardest thing for you?
4. Tell her what you think she needs to do to make things right.

You can also give this information to the teacher and have her question your child. Maybe the class can do a circle dialogue and ask each of the children how they have been affected.

check the web at: www.iirp.org

to get more information about restorative practices.

Good luck.
D.

I agree with the poster who said discipline doesn't always work immediately like we want it to. Your only option in stopping this is to be firmer and more consistent for as long as it takes. She is still at a young enough age where explaining is useless and actual consequences are what it takes. Taking away stuff in and of itself is no big deal, especially if she's used to it. It's sort of the omission of a consequence since she still has lots of other stuff.

My daughter has been firmly disciplined since age one. (rarely needed because nothing was able to escalate). She's always been super super good. None of our kids have ever been allowed to interrupt, dominate adult conversations, or talk back in any way, and any small signs of bossy-ness were dealt with immediately and firmly ALWAYS toward us, each other (unless they're playing) and with other kids at parks etc.

Conversely, if people are being bossy to her, I tell her, "You say, 'you are not being nice, I do not want to play with you' and walk away" since about age 3. Because we are firm with our boundaries, and help her to be firm with her boundaries, she is very confident, and well aware that politeness will be enforced. She understands what bad behavior is by learning not to tolerate it from others as well, ad tells other kids when they're being rude.

BUT. 3/4 of the way through K4, she was pushing boundaries. I took it very seriously, reminded her I had eyes in her class and I would speak to her teacher EVERY day to make sure she was being respectful or there would be consequences. (spanking and favorite blanky taken away). She hasn't been spanked in 2 years, but just knowing she could be, and even worse-her favorite blanky which has been more of threat since she has outgrown spanking because it is her ONLY favorite thing, all her other stuff is just blah, but her blanky is her FAVORITE THING. I've only taken it twice briefly and she really was devastated and fears it happening again. This threat of both things happening (which would have been followed through on) nipped the problem instantly and was neither was needed, but that's a result of her long, firm foundation so there was no misconception about the behavior or the consequences. She has gotten nothing but flawless behavior marks ever since, but if I had needed to enforce, I certainly would have and would have compounded the consequences if necessary for as long as it took.

You have to be firmer, and you can't give up. Let her know specifically what is not allowed, and that you will ask the teacher every day and specifically what the ramifications will be (firmer than some removal of things if it's not deterring her) if she is not being nice to people. It will work. If you are firm enough, she will be a polite child through grade school, and she will have friends.

We lavish constant praise on all the kids. I cant' help it, it's sincere. I don't buy it that it damages anything unless you don't have discipline in place as well.

Depends what you mean by "You've let her know you're in charge" Does that mean you "told her you are in charge" or you have acted as such in no uncertain terms and it has SUNKEN IN. For all the youngest years, actions speak WAY LOUDER than words. If she feels like getting away with this behavior despite your reactions, chances are, you're not all the way in charge. Many of my friends remove toys alone from their kids, and they have chronic behavior problems. They just don't care. They're luxuries anyway, not necessities.

My step brother has 6 kids. 3 are "handfuls" but one (5 yo) is SUPER DIFFICULT!!!!! Where all the other ones will turn around with a warning or a swat, he needs: a swat, plus the removal of a favorite privilege for a while which he needs to earn back with a week of good behavior AND, after his spanking, he has to do a hard chore like haul the firewood or something. He's a super good kid, and only needs it rarely, but the rest weren't even acting up by this age. Some kids are tougher! Just keep in charge.

There have been a lot of interesting replies to this so far. Some refer back to discipline. I think that's a hard road to travel because we don't all have the same approach to discipline. (And the same discipline won't necessarily work on different children.)
My daughter (4) recently went through a phase like this at pre-school. She is also incredibly sweet and very smart and started off the school year great and started sliding downhill after the holiday season. (I am almost POSITIVE this was due to significant changes in the group dynamic because of an influx of younger kids who would be turning 3 in the near future --- she's in the 3 year old class because she was 3 at the start of the year, but she's one of the oldest kids in this class now, as she turned 4 during the course of the school year...) I think there are a lot of factors at play. It seems to me that she's a typical 4 year old (guess what? the other kids in her class probably ALSO have red and yellow days, too!). Young kids are seeking a sense of autonomy. And for my daughter and for me, I think it's important that we work together to that end. I don't give her ultimate control over everything. But I provide options. It's important for me to know that she realizes that the world does not revolve around her, but it's also important for me to know that she realizes she has some degree of control over her life and is a part of the decision-making process.
She could be bored. She could be operating on a different level than her peers. She could also just be like a teenager nearing the end of the school year - the weather is changing, it's lovely outside...
I think if you're very concerned about the behavior, you should consider consulting with a professional and see what you can uncover. Sometimes perspective comes neatly from the outside - seeing something we somehow overlook ourselves. I hope you're able to find a solution.

To me:
she is a young child
She is now in school
There are SO many other kids & stimuli there.
In a class, it can be, seemingly chaotic or disorganized.. BUT a Teacher has her OWN routine & controls for the class. A child needs to adapt and respect that.
It not, then a child,, who cannot deal with that... will/may try to CONTROL everything around them.
Because, they can't deal with SO many other ways of doing things.

To me, her acting this way, is a way to "control" what is making her uneasy. ie:
Too many kids, too many people doing different things all at the same time, different routines, different kids, the Teacher is not on the same page as her etc. BUT that is life.
She has to get used to it.

To me, she is trying to control, everything. Because, it is a way to control what you cannot control.
Do you see?

She is really having to.... deal with so many other people/kids/personalities/routines. Which she has NOT had to to, before. Being an only child.
She is getting a quick lesson on socialization.
She will either deal with it or have trouble adapting.
BUT this is life.
She needs to learn, how to adapt.... to others.
And that there are MANY other routines, MANY other ways of doing things, many other answers & solutions to things, many other ideas. Not only 1 way.

Also, this is a very good article:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Your Daughter is sill young she can learn.
But yes, people like this are so icky.
I have a sibling, that was like that. Then was still like that as a Teenager and then as an adult. Still JUST like that. No one liked her.
No consistent friends. And yes, as you said, NO one is excited to see people like this.

The thing is: to me, this a about a person not feeling in control, so THEN they try to control others and EVERYTHING and anything, that is around them.
And yes, it is highly unpleasant for others.

You also said about your daughter "She always thinks of others and wants to please people."
Well, looked at this way too, "sometimes" a person that is always trying to "please" people... means, a sort of control too.
It is about control.
And/or her own sense of self. Which she does not seem, to be self-confident?
At times, a 'bossy' person can be like that because they are inwardly insecure too and/or are trying to control things because they feel they are not in control.

Do not, sugar coat things all the time for her.
She also need to learn, boundaries and what is appropriate or not.
She needs to be told. Plainly sometimes. Not always sugar coating things.