Two Graduations Same Night

We are actually having two high school graduations on the same day this year. My daughter and my stepson. We have only one way to do this and it is to split it up, my husband will attend his son's with his family, and I will attend my daughters' with my family and her Dad's family. They are 30 minutes apart in two different towns.

COMPROMISE is the key to making this less painful for everyone.
I agree with most of the Mom's in that the highschool graduation carries more importance in that this is the cumulative result of YEARS of dedication and hard work on the part of the graduating child.

Dear C.,

I have 2 stepchildren and 2 of my own. When they were younger, my husband and I had the same problem with trying to be with them as a couple when 2 had an event on the same day. We would have the blood parent go their child's event with another family member and this seemed to work fairly well. Each child knew that the step-parent would have liked to have been there, but accepted the fact that only one could attend. It is hard to explain to a 5 yr. old, but maybe this would work. J. B.

Hi C.,

I would send one parent to each one and video tape each one. Watch them together afterwards. I would have the grandparents go see their own grandbaby graduate. Good luck!

Your pre-schooler is not graduating. She has aged and she will no longer be in preschool. Our society and making a bigger and bigger deal out events that really aren't. Here they make too big a deal out of finishing elementary school - limos and everything If you start making a big deal out of small events, you will have to escalate your celebrations. This is why proms and weddings are out of control. Your high schooler WORKED and has ACCOMPLISHED something graduating from high school. It is a much bigger deal. I would take the whole family, grandparents, preschooler, everyone to the high school graduation. Skip the preschool one all together. It is NOT the end of the world. The child is not going to look back and regret missing her preschool "event". Hopefully, your high schooler will remember the entire family sharing in the celebration of the accomplishment.

Your preschooler may cry. That doesn't mean he/she should get what he/she wants. Small children are selfish, that's how they are. They don't think beyond themselves very much. You, as the adult, need to do the right thing.

However you choose to handle it, you sound like a very loving mother. It is likely too late to suggest that the pre-school alter its plans, but I would suggest to all pre-schools that a 'Last Day of School Party' might be more appropriate than a 'graduation ceremony'. If they want the parents to attend, why not make it on a Saturday morning. Evening events for preschoolers is a ridiculous stress on that age group and on families with children that age. Anything past 6:00 PM does not allow families to get children bathed and bedded at a healthy time for them. I'm sure they are trying to do something to validate the children and involve the families, but the word 'graduate' loses some of its meaning if it is handed out each time we move from one step to another.

Although the older child is more likely to understand the situation, the pomp and circumstance really is designed to honor hard work and achievement. Pre-school is a world of encouragement and assistance. High school requires independent struggle and hard work. The pomp and circumstance of a high school graduation has been well earned.

What might be causing the younger child's anxiety is the idea that he/she would be the only child whose parents don't attend. You might talk with the teachers to see if there are other parents in such impossible positions. You might ask the teachers to present the idea to the class that some kids will have other family members, like grandparents, coming to the ceremony. Your child may be afraid because he/she does not understand what a 'graduation' is and feels the need to have you there. If you get to the bottom of what your child's dilemma is, you might be better able to discover a solution that works for everyone.

Good luck, and congratulations!

My husband and I (having 3 kids) run into similar situations all the time. It seems to spare feelings to just split up. On the other hand, neither of my two older kids even remember preschool so, while your preschooler may be upset for a short time, it probably won't leave a scar where it most likely will for the older stepchild if you don't attend this once in a lifetime event.

Im assuming that the stepchild is your husbands child. If it were me I would go to my childs pre-school graduation and have my husband go to the Highschool graduation. You can have one parent and one grandparent at the pre-k graduation and one parent and one grandparent at the Highschool graduation. Make everyone happy. The Highschool child should understand more than the Pre-K child.

You should go to the preschool graduation, and if they are his parents, the rest go to the highschool graduation.

I had that problem due to the age differences between my first two sons and the last two. We split and each parent went with one child. The next program or school function, we split and went with the other child. If you have two cam corders, record both graduations and then watch them all together as a family. That way, each child has a parent at their graduation.
If you have to decide one or the other, the high school graduation is just the one time. The pre-schooler will have another one. A hard choice to be sure.

Talk to the High School Graduate first. Graduating from High School is a BIG deal. I would have attended my step daughters High School graduation before my sons preschool graduation.

Hi, C.,

I think your idea on how to handle this situation is just fine. Especially if the grandparents tape the preschool ceremony. I bet your little one will get a great kick watching it with you. Grandpa and Grandma will get a kick from filling in for you and your husband.

C. J.

PS. It might be easier on everyone if your little one spent the day of graduation with the GPs -- that way your preschooler won't be separated from you at graduation time.

I would almost say that I would take my preschooler with me to the HS graduation, as these days and any other, that really is an accomplishment. I am sure it may mean a lot to a 4-5yo to have their parents go to their "special day", but I think perhaps after the initial disappointment, they will never remember it. And, if you went, the child will never remember it. And, even if they do, they will remember how important a HS graduation is when it comes to theirs. Would your child want his mother to go to his HS graduation, while the father attends the siblings preschool one? Probably not. Self sacrificing is better started at a young age, otherwise, they never learn it.

I think your original idea was the best. The high school graduation is very important even if it is your stepchild. Especially if they live with you. You don't want your step-child to feel they are less important to you, especially on such a huge night. Like some of the others said, your preschooler is not going to remember this past next year. I know it is really hard because little ones are so cute and adorable and you don't want to miss anything. And I don't know your relationship with your stepchild, but it could really damage your relationship that you've worked so hard to build. Good luck.

If your baby is in tears because you won't be there, then perhaps you should be. Send your husband to the other graduation and meet up with him after your little one's is over. See if the high school graduate will understand.

Having a tape of both is a great idea as well.

Mom could attend one graduation and dad could attend the other And record both if possible. I understand this is a difficult decision. Our kids are very fortunate when they have two married parents living with them. Later, you can sit together as a family to watch them and share the pictures.
T. H

I only have one child, so maybe I'm not the best to answer. But, I try like heck not to miss any special moments. I know that in the scope of life, HS is more important, but hey, if they don't pass preschool, they aren't going to pass HS either! :-)

They might not remember their preschool graduation, but I feel what little ones learn is that they aren't important and their achievements aren't such a big deal when we act like they aren't.

I think I would go to the PS graduation and send hubby to the HS graduation. Have them both taped and make a family night of ALL of you watching both of them together with popcorn!!

I feel like the preschool one is just as important as the high school one.

Good luck, but go with your heart, go with your baby to their special preschool graduation!!

After reading through all the responses, you have been given every possible kind of advice on how to take care of this. First of all, being part of a family ALWAYS requires compromises; however, there are definitely SOME occasions that take precedence. I agree with all those that say the preschool graduation can be missed.

Example: My 9 year old has studied ballet all year and, as luck would have it, our family vacation is scheduled (and can't be changed) when the ballet recital is scheduled. She was very upset about missing it, but after continuing to hold the line and be as matter-of-fact about it, she got used to the idea.

It is extremely important to not get overly exercised about missing something. This will ALWAYS be a part of the difficult life choices we all have to deal with in our lives.

Graduating from high school is a very special event. I am sure that your preschooler will come around as you continue to treat the situation with calm assurance. There will be MANY MORE special days for your young child to celebrate along the way. I guarantee he/she won't remember this issue four weeks from now!

D. - SAHM of 17 and 14 year old boys and 9 year old daughter

P.S. Because we are going to my nephew's graduation and family reunion the first week of June, we are not only missing my daughter's recital, but two other graduations of people important to us, a youth mission trip, a sports camp my son wanted to go to and several other things. It's my nephew and I am the one most disappointed about missing all these other things!!

Being a stepchild myself, i think you are doing the right thing by sending one parent to their respective child's graduation. Being in that crucial of a stage Im sure your preschooler wants his parent there to see him walk the stage. The older a child gets the less that something like that tends to bother them. The reason I say this is because coming from a 'conjoined' family the younger child may not understand why you would choose to go to your stepchild's event and not theirs. I think it's more of an emotional thing. I'm not saying to make a big deal of the preschooler's graduation but just let him/her know that they are no less important than the highschooler.

I second what Gale said. It's probably best if at least one parent attend one and the other parent attend the other. At least it won't seem like both parents are "choosing" the other child. That's the way kids see it.

That is a tough one but if it were me I would go to the high school graduation as most Kindergarten ones I have gone to weren't anything more than a little awards ceremony with them singing a song or 2. I probably would have the Kindergartner also go to the high school graduation and miss theirs but since you have an option with the grandparents going then that would work too. I am also one that has this happen often with events and have to choose so my kids are used to having to give something up or not have me there to watch one of their performances. Right now my youngest son is in baseball and I am also playing on a softball team. Well both of our games are on Thursday nights at the same time 15 miles apart and my games are coed and only have 5 women on the team so the women cannot miss a game or it is an automatic out or have to forfeit so I have one of my teenage kids go watch him play and I have to go to mine. My husband works 2nd shift/7 days a week so is never home to take them or go to their events unless he takes a vacation day for them. I am one of the leaders for a women's ministry at our church and this year we had a weekend retreat planned in February and had 150 ladies attend and my youngest son also had a school event where their class was singing a few songs for a pta meeting. Well the school event wasn't planned early enough as I already had the retreat dates planned and couldn't figure out a way to do both so we didn't get to go to the school event. He was a little upset at first but he got over it and they actually planned another one this month so we will get to go see this one.

Anyway just wanted to let you know you aren't alone and the more you have your kids involved in the future the more you will have to choose between which event to go to. I have had all 3 of them in baseball and soccer at the same time as we didn't realize soccer would overlap baseball for 2 months, was a score keeper and team mom for one of the baseball teams so I had to go to that game over the other games but if they were in the same area, I would watch from a distance when I could especially if they were up to bat. That was a tough year and won't do both sports for all 3 of them in the spring season again. Now they have to choose baseball for spring and soccer in the fall if they want to play both.

Yes. I would split up & try & trade off IF it's at all possible. Make sure that each child see you & then trade off. It's NOT fair to the children that one get the both of you & the other don't...that can be the road to riff! Take both grandparents & split them up between the parents, so that someone will be there at all times. Good luck & God Bless!

C. K,
My son missed his pre-school graduation due to having strep. He never missed not going. My second oldest skipped the last year of pre-school and went to Kindergarten for 2 years. Maybe your pre-schooler would like to see her step-sibling graduate instead of going to her own graduation. God bless you on whatever you decide.
M. R

You are doing the right thing....High School trumps pre-school and your preschooler will learn that compromise is part of being in a family with more than 1 child. I also would ask the preschool teacher about a little private ceremony with your whole family there!

OK, I co-own a preschool and have for many years. I can solve your problem! Preschoolers have to practice, so, ask your childs preschool if you may attend practice and then you will get to see everything! And you get to be there for your child, make a big deal of practice and have a special day with your preschooler.Hope this works for you!! Thanks!

I feel for your little one, but you only graduate high school once & some kids don't make it that far. The schools have gotten way out of control with the preschool & kindegarten graduations & it's ridiculous of them to put the parents on the spot with these things. I know that doesn't change your situation, but high school graduation is a day you remeber forever, preschool probably is not (my son never speaks of it or his kindegarten). Is it possible to talking her into going with you & having a small party/celebration with grandparents for her? or give her the option of the grandparents taking her to hers & then a little party afterwards. Also, how long have you been a step parent to the high school graduate? If you've been there through most of life, you should definitely go to their graduation.

I just recently went to a pre-school grad. and it only lasted about 40 min. Maybe you could go to the pre-school and your husband go to the high school and you and then you could go to the high school just a little late. Only a suggestion I hope you you work it out.

Remember the episode of Brady Bunch where this happened(similiar). Talk to the preschool teacher and see if they will host a special graduation for you? Maybe that day or the night before just for your little one? Maybe some of the classmates would like to be there just for the fun of it.

Good luck,
D.

Ouch, this is a tough one. And many say that a pre-schooler won't remember their graduation and who was there...but I don't necessarily agree... I love the idea of the granparents video taping it...perhaps your preschooler could reinacte the whole thing for you when you got home (then stepchild could see too?).

Another alternative, is the birth parent to the stepchild goes to their graduation and you go to the preschoolers... tough call.

C.,

What time is the pre-school graduation? Most pre-school graduations are like 6 or 7 since they are so young and most high school graduations start at 8. you would still be able to make both of them if it is that way.

Personally, I would attend the high school graduation. Your son won't remember is Preschool "graduation". If you feel it will really be an issue for your son to not have to at the event, just don't send him. I am sure if you spoke with his teacher(s), they would be able to give you whatever certificate he would be getting that evening. That way he can go and support his sister in her big day!

I disagree with at least one of the mothers. I know plenty of adults that remember things from their childhood (including preschool & earlier). Especailly if it is something that they think is important. Personally I remember things from preschool.
If I were in your shoes I would attend the preschool graduation & video it. Have your husband attend the high school graduation & video it. After the preschool graduation (since they are usually very short) you can go to the high school graduation. By then the speeches should be over & you should get to see your stepchild walk across the stage. The next day have everyone sit down & watch both graduations.

God Bless!

I would ask your spouse to attend your stepchild's graduation, and I would attend the little one's graduation. Each of them deserve to have a parent there. Ask other family members to attend whichever ceremony they can and if possible, have a joint celebration afterward. I am a re-married mom and that is what I would do.