Trying to Become Adjusted to Having a Boyfriend with a Child

I know you don't want to hear this but the fact is...you NEED to hear this. If you are already wishing you could have her alternating weekends, this relationship is not going to work. He is going to see his daughter every chance he can get. The fact that you can't be HAPPY that she is there every weekend and understand, means this relationship won't work. On the weekends, you don't worry about time for you and him. It's not time for that. The weekend is HER time, for her and him. If you can't manage to deal with this, the relationship won't work. You are not just in a relationship with him, they are a packaged deal.

Those statements ARE constructive, because they are the TRUTH. She is #1, and this is how it will ALWAYS be. These weekends will always be about HER.

Good thing is that he is a boyfriend. The beauty of dating is that if there is something that doesn't work, you move on. If you don't want a man with a kid, then find another one. Really as simple as that. His situation will not likely change. Good luck.

You have to plan around her. Thats what parents with kids do. Period. At night after she goes to bed make couple time but he seems like a good guy to put his kid first

Kids don't go away, they are an all the time thing. Expecting time without her to pursue your interests is comical. Little kids take up all your time. If you want time to pursue interests without the kid, then find a boyfriend without kids.

Sorry. This is the way it is.

Being you don't have a child yourself, it is hard to put yourself, in HIS shoes. HE has a child. THAT is his 1st priority. AND he has to abide by his custody orders and his custody responsibility.
It would be a REAL shame... if your Boyfriend, for example, due to you wanting more "alone" time with him... had to, hire a babysitter to watch his daughter, while you both go out on a date. On HIS... weekend with his daughter. That is... totally sabotaging his time/custody arrangement/parenting time, with his daughter. And perhaps, I imagine, her Mom would NOT be happy with that.

She is a child.
You perhaps, can read up on child development. If it is important, to you.
Kids, are not just one emotion, all the time. Nor are they "happy" all the time. And at 3.5 years old, they are not even fully developed yet. A teenager is not even fully developed yet and they have TONS more hot/cold emotions than a 3 year old. For example.

Your priority is, your Boyfriend. And being alone with him, not having to share him with a mere child.
Well, he has a child. And that is the constant everyday reality, you MUST deal with. Or not. It is your, choice.
His child, is a priority. THE priority. And all the laws surrounding custody and with his Ex.

A child, his child... is not something you can just shoo away. Like a mosquito. It is a 24/7, duty. Whether you like it or not. That is called, parenting.
And if your Boyfriend ever feels... forced by you...to disregard his daughter, for you, well that is going to be a VERY dysfunctional... vicious cycle... that is imposed on him... AND his child. AND it will... adversely... affect his daughter and her emotional development. And her relationship... with her Dad.

This relationship is not up to you. A parent, cannot and should not have to choose, between you or their child.
ALSO: how do you view yourself and your impact upon this child, even if it is someone elses child???? Because, just by being "Girlfriend" to the Dad... you ARE affecting this child. For good or bad.
And you are not this child's Mom.

Again, if you want weekends alone with him, this will NOT happen. Because, your Boyfriend is a Dad. And the weekends are when HE has his daughter. WITH him. And this time with his Daughter, is not to be wasted. Why should he.... not spend time with his daughter on his weekends with her? He is a parent. This is how it is.
And, no child should grow up, thinking that their parent just wants to get away from them... or feel that they are in the way.

Now: per what you said about feeling "isolated...." and "in a difficult position...." and not having any alone time with your Boyfriend on the weekends to "build our relationship..." "based on our interests...."
WELL:
how do you think, a 3.5 year old... feels about that TOO???????????
Can you imagine, his daughter feeling JUST like you... ??????
No child, should feel that way with her Dad.
But, you are an adult, a Girlfriend. So YOU should be the one... to be more mature about it and think... about the consequences of your actions and relationship, upon this child.
Because, the child, is caught in the middle.
And PROBABLY, his daughter wishes SHE HAD ALONE TIME only with her Dad. AND probably wishes SHE can build her relationship with her Dad and "connect with him..." being she only sees him on weekends.
But she can't.
You are there.

His daughter, does not get to see her Dad, during the week like you can. His daughter can only see him on weekends.
And his daughter, did NOT know... what she was getting into as a child with a Dad...who can only see her on weekends. She did not have a say in it.
But you know, your Boyfriend is a Dad, and has a child.
And she is "isolated" only seeing her Dad on the weekends.
A little girl, needs their Dad, if he is even in the picture.
And he is, in her picture and life.
And she is "already in a difficult position...." having lost, her parents due to divorce. But she is a child. And all their lives, a child NEEDS their Dad and Mom.

Why can't you see your Boyfriend during the week?

And worst case scenario:
That your Boyfriend, starts to imagine, that his Girlfriend is more important than his daughter and his own time, with his daughter.
Hopefully he advocates for his daughter and nurtures, her. His child.

Wow. My heart breaks for that little girl. I know you don't want to hear it, but you are being selfish. Do them and yourself a favor and find a childless boyfriend.

That's how it is with parents. This is why they say that having children changes your life. You just have to reconcile yourself that he does not have the same freedom as someone without a child. You have all week with him, in the evenings. Plan stuff then. And on the weekends, connect with him after she's in bed. It's a change in thinking for you.

I really think you should try to see this from your BFs daughters's perspective.

I bet your BF's daughter would like to connect alone with her father on the weekends since she only gets to be with him 8 days out of the month. I would imagine she feels as if you are in the way of her relationship with her dad.

My question for you is why are you trying to build a relationship with a man that has a child when it doesn't seem to be working for you?

How long have you been dating? Did you know from the beginning that he had a child?

From the tone of your post, it sounds like you are not ready to have a child in your life. If you stay with this bf, you will have a child in your life and yes she SHOULD be his top priority.

I applaud him for spending as much time as he can being a dad to this little girl. For you to attempt to cut back his visits with HIS child makes you look immature and selfish.

I completely understand the need for 2 people to spend time together to develop a relationship but his daughter will always be a part of his relationships... with you or without you.

Maybe it is time for you to move on so he can continue raising his daughter with support vs someone who does not support him. His position as dad is not going to change.

Your boyfriend sounds like an active, present father and he should be. It sounds like he hardly gets to spend any time with her at all, and the little time he does spend with her he has to share it with you.

I'll be honest with you. You don't get to dictate which advice you receive if the advice you're actively turning down is going to be the best advice you'll ever receive. His daughter isn't a problem that needs to go away, but your attitude is. This isn't a competition for his attention, but if it were his daughter should win every single time. If you can't handle that then you need to end things now before you've built a relationship. Don't entangle yourself any further for his sake and his daughter's sake.

You sound very, very young and as if you don't understand how important it is for a divorced father to spend the small amount of time he does get with his daughter maintaining that bond with her. You sound jealous of her, which would only get worse the more time you spend with him. And you sound as if you don't understand children at all... so clearly not a parent yourself, and clearly not empathetic towards children. This may change when you do have children of your own and you'll look back on this and recognize the mistake you're making in your attitude. But if you have no interest in children at all, walk away now.

If I had a significant other who was wishing I has *less* parenting time with my child, then that individual would NOT be my significant other for long.

If you need more time to connect and build your relationship, then I suggest you avail yourself of a childless man.

He's a dad first, and a boyfriend 2nd. That's pretty much the way it is. The weekdays are your time. The weekends are hers. Or Sunday night when seh goes home. Maybe do lunch together if that's feasible. Or take the same days off. I know you don't want to hear "you knew what you were getting into", but it's a fact that all people need to consider when entering into a relationship with someone with children - the children come first. What you are describing is exactly what marrieds with kids have to deal with - full days of work, kids the rest of the time. It's reality, and it's not going to change. You really do have to decide if you want to continue to date or not, if you want to become a co-parent/step-mom, or if this isn't where you want your life's direction to go. You're NOT a bad person if it's not for you. YOU have a choice here. You have to make the best choice for you and for them.

If you're wishing for things to be different, then you need to adjust your expectations or say goodbye and let it go. It isn't about 'kids are #1' but about the simple reality of his situation and your relationship. This is how is it always going to be. It is a difficult position, but there is no way to un-difficult it.

Frankly, if you can't make time for each other during the week despite your schedules, then your relationship won't work in the long term anyway.

You don't want us to respond with, "but you knew what you were getting into, etc." but the problem is that with us not saying that, we are not speaking the truth.

Having kids is probably the most difficult life change there is. For the most part, if you do it right, kids dominate your whole life. So you are choosing to date a guy with a kid (and it's great that you think that she is beautiful and precious).

The REALITY is that you are going to have very little free time with him, for at least 12 years. (Kids become more absent once they can drive.) There is almost no way to avoid this reality.

Are you up for this challenge? Is he worth it? You will have very little alone time with him for 12 years, unless the custody arrangement changes, so you have to decide whether that's something you can live with.

Sorry, not what you wanted to hear.

p.s. I guess he can hire a babysitter once a month or so on the weekends, but that still probably won't give you the alone time with him that you crave.

Yeah...Ummm...kids are forever and kids come first. Sorry.
I think when you don't have kids you kind of dint realize just HOW 24/7 they are. What if he had FT custody?
I guess you do what other people do to make "us" time...you watch a movie after she's in bed, which, with a 3.5 year old, should be pretty early. Or you pay a sitter and go to dinner.
So the rest of the "kids are #1 and you knew what you were getting into when you started dating him" is to accept it, put yourself second and respect the fact that your BF is a good dad.

Two things came to mind reading your post:

1)This is what happens when kids are part of the mix. Most marriages experience a disconnect when there are children.

2) This is a man that is willing to take his daughter every weekend. He is putting his child first over himself. Do you know how many woman complain about a father who is 'selfish' with their time and finds excuses to do other things than spend time with their child? He sounds like a great catch to me.

Try figuring out time during the week.

Against your directive...kids take first priority!! To even consider that he back down to every other week is just gross. I don't know how long you have been dating him but it doesn't seem like a fit for the little girl, and that is my first priority. Unless he is a psycho, terrible father his time with his daughter, his time with her should be maximized. Don't try to hijack it...would you want a man that gives up time with his child to spend time with his girlfriend. I have been in the reverse and couldn't respect him for it.

Why are you hoping to build your relationship without a part of the relationship? It isn't a matter of children being number one, it is a matter of he has a child, that isn't going anywhere so if you can't handle that fact, end it, because if you are unsatisfied with your level of attention now, that isn't getting any better.
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I just want to add my husband has no children of his own. If I had pushed my kids away to make time for him, he would never have fell in love with me. I would never have fell in love with him if he had asked me to push my kids away. It just isn't real, who wants a relationship based on fantasy?

Part of it depends on how long you've been dating. Unless you're going to marry the guy, your time with his daugther should be very limited and you should really be, in her eyes, just a friend. There is not need to expose her to you and risk having her get attached to you unless you're sure you're going to be in her life for a long time. It doesn't sound like you're at that point in your relationship with your boyfriend.

So...that means that the 5 nights a week that your boyfriend isn't with his daughter is when he has time to spend with you. If that time isn't enough to really get to know each other, then this probably isn't going to work out.

FWIW, I was a single mom and my husband was a single dad when we met. We worked for the same company and started getting our kids together with other colleagues' kids on the weekends and our kids hit it off really well, so we used to get them together on the weekend for playdates. After many months of this, our own relationship developed. He has his daugther every weekend and I had my son all the time. Weekend time was family time, unless we got a sitter and went out on a proper date. "Our" time was after work, or occasionally he would come over on a weeknight after my son was in bed and we'd hang out.

If you seriously want to date someone with kids, you're going to have to accept that weekends won't be your time as a couple.

Lindsay:

Welcome to mamapedia!

Sorry - but it's true, children come first. If you can't handle that - you need find a new boyfriend. Everyone has a past. Everyone has 'baggage' - his baggage is his daughter. You need to accept this baggage or you need to cut loose now. it's that simple.

And while I know it's "cold" to refer to children as "baggage" - however, my husband had to accept that MY DAUGHTER from my first marriage - was more important than HIM. If he couldn't - he needed to leave. PERIOD.

If you want to work around this? i would suggest that you try finding "family friendly" venues - expanding ALL of your horizons. No, it doesn't have to be about HER and HER wants. However, you can find family friendly things to do.

So you need to decide - do you want to be a step-mom (if you feel the relationship is going somewhere) at your young age (I'm guessing you are 21 and no kids) or not? If the answer is NOT - then tell your boyfriend that you are not ready to be in a relationship with children from a previous marriage.

good luck!!

You want, at least some of the time, a child free relationship.
Sorry but you're not going to find it with this boyfriend.
You and he are not at the same place in your lives.
He's into child rearing mode and will be doing just that for at least the next 15 or so years, and you are not there yet.
Which is fine.
You need to find someone who's into building a relationship with YOU and not putting it on the back burner.
You said it yourself - so I won't repeat it - but on some level you KNOW what the problem is - you just don't want to face what the answer is.
You already feel isolated - so how are you 'with him' if you feel alone?
Keep looking.

There are no magic words to make children less consuming than they are. I remember thinking before my kids arrived that they would be great additions to our family and we would plop them next to us on the sofa while we all relaxed in the evening together. You know, just incorporate them into OUR routine and OUR life as usual. Ha ha. As you are learning, kids don't fit neatly into YOUR life. They dominate and permeate every moment of your life. This is difficult even as the bio parent, such loss of autonomy, self, and couple hood. Thats why you have kids after you've had a chance to bond and establish your romantic relationship. Because once they are here, its about being a family, not a couple. Please understand when you come to a group of moms to ask this question, what you are really asking us is how can you can minimize her presence? Its not that we don't get what you are desiring, we desire it too- more intimate couple time with our spouse. Its just that we know that this cannot be done without brushing the child aside. So pardon me if I feel more sympathy for this little girl than I do you. Having had kids, I know that to date a man with kids would mean that I could not expect it to be all about us; our couple-hood and romance. And there in lies my advice, as hard as it may be to accept; If he is a good dad, you will be second-fiddle, and you will have to fit in to their little Father daughter family. No doubt you will ignore my advice because Its only natural for you to desire that the romantic relationship be primary. Because thats the order that things were made to take place. When things are done out of order, when families are broken, and parents are dating, its going to feel off. So who should feel most off, you or her? I say you should. She's just a little girl who needs her family not to brush her aside so her parents can date.

I will be blunt - this type of relationship would not work for me. I would not hang around waiting for things to change, nor would I let it push me to start resenting his relationship with his child. I would gracefully bow out - now.

JMO.

I am sorry to say this but have you considered moving on? His daughter should be #1 in his life at all times. She is 3 years old not 16. She needs her daddy. You have him every day, she has him only a few. I think you need to realize you might not be ready to be a mother figure to her and just move on.

I think your feelings are fixed in a single mindset mode. That's OK. That's where YOU have come from.

But your BF is not really 'single' like you. He was married, divorced, and has a permanent child to take care. They don't go away at the magic age of 18 or 21. Trust me.

This weekend reality with this BF is exactly that....it will always include his daughter.

So, you have to look at your weekends as being a family unit, and never a new, young couple without children.

Pretend you are the mom with a child, would you send her off for a weekend thinking you could pretend to be single for a weekend? I mean, the fantasy would be short lived.

My best recommendation, if you really like this dude, is that you learn to be a great step-mom, you learn to roll with the little girls ups and downs of her parents not being together, of her having to go back and forth between homes like a hotel, that no parent is ever in her life forever, but GF's now exist to share her Daddy with.

I would plan very fun, active days, full of hiking, swimming, amusement parks, beach, etc so that she is super duper tired at the end of the day, and was happy that you all got along, and then you could reasonably expect to have some quiet time with your BF in the evening after she falls asleep.

You make time for yourselves the same way parents make time for themselves. My husband and I have had our kids full time for nearly 11 years. It is true that most everything we do is planned around our children, because that is what parents do, but we also do manage to take some time for ourselves. We have our time at night after the kids go to bed, we have some time when the kids go to sports or other activities, we on occasion get a babysitter so we can go out without the kids, and once in a while send them to a friends or grandma for an overnight so we can do an overnight out of town. You can also find activities that you all enjoy. I do some activities with the kids that I don't particularly enjoy (ie children's museum), but for the most part we try to do things we all enjoy together (natural history museum, zoo, waterpark, beach, camping, bowling, etc)..

I am sorry. This is not the man for you. You are being self-centered. This man is a dad. You do not want him to be a dad. You want him all to yourself.

Have read any other posts on this board? There are women who complain about their ex-husband's or ex-boyfriend's who are NEVER around or get involved in their kids lives. Kids should be #1 in their parents lives.

Consider moving on. You have stated that is not what you want to hear. It is the truth that you need to hear.

I do recognize you are not married, have not had children and are jumping in headfirst into "family life", so to speak, so I do understand that it is hard for you to come second and to not have one-on-one time with your boyfriend. I really do understand. However, the reality is that he sees her very rarely. Weekends only. That is really h*** o* a child and a parent. My kids are with me 24/7, but if I only saw them part of the week, you can bet there is no way in hell I would be finding a babysitter so I could go out with friends or a boyfriend. I would be maximizing every second I had with my child. My children come first. Even now, I have a hard time wanting to leave my kiddos for a few hours to go off with friends. I made this family, and that is who I want to spend my time with. That means that, for the most part, if people want to hang with me, they understand and accept that it is going to be "with kids" and at a kid-friendly venue. This is also why it much easier for people with children to hang out with other parents rather than singles- we are in very different places in life. My single friends do not want everything to revolve around kids and I understand that. My life revolves around kids. So that makes it really hard to keep a relationship, ya know?
I hope that you can think on this and either accept that being with this guy means life will revolve around his kid, or move on. Think about it in terms of how any parents connect when they have kids: we all work long hours. Our connections are generally sitting down to dinner as a family, maybe some text messages during the day, watching our kids play softball or whatever after work, holding hands on the couch and catching a quick tv show before bed, spending time together as a family doing family-oriented (read child-friendly) things on the weekends. While these things do not all need to be kiddie amusement parks, McDonalds playlands and Chuckee Cheese, they need to be things that involve his daughter (think hiking or walking with stroller, bike rides, playing at a park, backyard bbq with friends and children, playing at the pool, watching a show together etc). Good luck!

So you are hoping that she only gets to spend 4 days a month with her dad instead of 8? That's going to get some negative reactions from parents. You need to find way to spend time together during the week. You both have the added benefit of no kids during the week, take advantage of that.
I think it is hard for many of us to answer your questions without the statements that you listed because the world is really two kinds of people- parents and not-parents. If you are a not-parent, there is only so much explaining that a parent can do. It is so overwhelming having a little person in your care 24-7. It is really hard to understand how they impact every single aspect of your life until you have one. You said it all "But, we always have her." I know how this feels, all parents do. They are always there! But you only have that for a couple of days a week and you don't have to get a kiddo ready for preschool every morning :)
And there is another factor to consider in your scenario- you don't say anything about your BF's relationship with his ex, but if she ever took him to court to re-allocate their daughter's time, alimony, child support, etc, spending time away from his daughter during the 2 days per week he has her is exactly the type of thing that could be used against him.

Oh, I know what you mean. I was in the same situation with my ex. I had no kids and he had his daughter 24/7. To be honest I wish I had ran from that relationship. Nothing but hearth ache! And problems with his daughter she was hot n cold towards all the time, around same age. This never got better with her. I will say she got cruel over the year towards me, even racist.
I suggest you really think about this! Because his daughter will always be a part of his life. And if you think/know that you can't handle this now. Trust me you won't in the long road. And I don't think this makes you a bad person, were all human and feel this way at sometime... Not to meantion his stuck being a parent. Your relationship with him will never be just you and him.

He only gets to spend time with his little girl two days out of seven. I find that sad for both of them. It's good that he can see her every weekend though, and I'm sorry, but if you can't accept this then it's time to move on because it will never change.

She will grow up and find other interests and meet friends who will do things wit her on the weekends (many years from now) but for now she is his to hold for those short two days a week. Either you embrace that and do things with her, or you find someone who can focus solely on you. But don't ask or expect him to put her aside on those days to spend time with you. She is way more important than you are and always will be.

I haven't read the other responses, but I can imagine that they aren't too positive. I mean, you're asking a bunch of parents how you can get your boyfriend, who is obviously a good and loving father, to spend LESS time with his little girl, who he only gets to see on the weekends. That won't go over well. Surely you can see and understand where we are coming from?

You asked us not to say "the child comes first", and "you knew what you were getting into," but what did you expect us to say?

You are not a bad person for feeling this way, it's normal in a sense. Am I assuming correctly that you do not have any kids of your own? You must not if you are thinking the way that you are...and that is OK.

What you do need to realize is that his situation is not going to change and that YOU are going to be the person that does all the changing if you want this relationship to work. He is doing what he is supposed to be doing by being a good Daddy! Would you really want a man that ditched his child to be with his GF? I know I wouldn't!!

Spending time with him and his daughter should be enough for now, you will get a better sense of the person he is if you guys ate forced to do other things besides just sucking face & having sex...and really if you want the child not to be there, that is what you are wanting to do because everything else you can do with a child, like just hanging out and spending time together! *You guys always have night time after the kid goes to sleep to have 'alone time' ya know?

You need to ask yourself if you can handle sharing his time because that is what it boils down too, you will always have to share him and you will ALWAYS come in 2nd on the priority list and that is exactly how it is supposed to be! I know that might sound harsh but it's the truth. So ask yourself if you can handle that? Be honest with yourself too! If you don't think you can handle it then move on and find someone else because he is not the right person for you if you can't get over this.

Whatever you do, don't stay and try to make him choose you over her, it's not fair to him or the child and it will make him resent you even if he gives in at first. If you feel yourself having unkind thoughts towards the child 'like I wish she weren't here' then please leave him and move on! Please! That little girl doesn't deserve that, it's not her fault!

I am a step mom and know exactly what you ate talking about. My husband had kids and I didn't when we first started dating and I felt the same as you...but then I thought about it like I am asking you too and I decided to embrace my new family, all 3 of them, and make them MINE...and it was the best decision I ever made (besides deciding to go for my 3rd child & getting my daughter:)...I was only 19y/o when I met my husband and it was a HUGE adjustment, I'm not gonna lie...and it was very hard...but luckily I had nephews that were the same age as husband's boys and I quickly realized these were just sweet innocent kids who didn't ask to be put in the middle... They just wanted love and attention and I gave it to them and they eventually warmed to me...even tho it took the youngest, who was 3, FOREVER to eat my cooking! EVERYTHING I cooked "was not how his Mommy made it"...but ya know what? That same kid is now 18 and tells me I am the best cook out of all 4 of his patents!

You never know how life is going to work out...but if you decide to take on the 2 of them as your new family, you might just be we're I am at one day, had just watched my youngest graduate HS and him telling me how he couldn't have gotten into WSU without me! *Melts my heart!

~I never had my Skids call me Mom, I had them use my name & I acted/treated them just like my nephews...so like their Auntie...loves them and took care of their needs like Mom would but talked and treated them like a fun Auntie! It worked great for me! Just something to think about!

If you truly wish that little girl would see her Dad 1/2 as much as she sees him now then you do not belong in this relationship.

You can plan a date night in the middle of the week. Meet after work, before going home, for dinner and a movie or whatever you like to do. You can also do fun things with her during the day and get a sitter for the evenings, after she is asleep, and go out for a few hours.

I think the first thing to do is just to think of your guy as a full time dad. To date him you have to date his daughter, no getting around it, it could always become a reality that his daughter will be with him daily, you never know. I would say you two will have to do what us families with kids do, hang with the kiddo then when she goes to sleep, pop in a movie, break out the wine and talk or whatever, but after her bedtime. Actually going out alone when you are a parent of young kids is a rarity. You are entering into a family situation, so your dating life will look different. Now maybe occasionally he will get a sitter for like an hour before her bedtime so you guys can go out. But of course getting a sitter probably won't happen much as the weekends are his only time with her right now. If you can accept a much more home based, kid oriented relationship, I think it can work fine, but if you are wanting the freedom two single people without kids enjoy, you may wind up frustrated a lot. Good luck!

Do whatever you would do to make time for yourselves as a couple if you were married and she was your child.

You need to find things to do that allow all 3 of you to connect, like go to the zoo or the park where you two can talk while she plays. There is also nothing wrong with the occasional babysitter so you can enjoy an evening kid free, but when he already has limited time with her this should be rare.

Would you WANT him if he didn't make his child #1? I expect to have my kids be #1 in my life and my husband's life forever, whether we are together or not. I wouldn't have it any other way. I also wouldn't date someone who had a problem with me being a parent first and would expect the same from my husband. Our kids are our lives. You're not a parent, so you don't understand.

Even though you don't want to hear it, you're being extremely immature and self-centered about this. You should want his child to be number 1. You knew you were getting involved with someone who was a parent. Welcome to adulthood. If you don't like it, go find someone single with no kids, then you can have YOU be their #1 concern.

I dont think asking him to take you out alone maybe 1x per month at least is too unreasonable. Just tell him what you said here. That you enjoy.his daughter but would also like to spend some alone time with him. Really, if the two.of you are just dating, and not living together or engaged, he really shouldnt be having his daughter around you so much anyway. But thats coming from someone on the other side, where every new boyfriend of my moms was our new daddy, lol. Children really should be introduced to a new significant other once the relationship is getting way more serious than it sounds like you two are. JMO. This is probably why you are getting some of the 'hot cold' behavior from her too. She doesnt understand who you are, are you daddy friend, a new mommy, a temporary person or permanent in her life. Its hard enough for adults to figure this stuff out, let alone a 3 yr old. Good luck.

You and your bf are not in the same place. He is a dad. He was a dad before he met you and will be one after you are gone because this won't work if you make him pick.

His daughter IS his priority. If you asked her, she would probably want Mommy and Daddy at home together forever. She would probably want to see Daddy every day and every night but that is not her reality and having him to yourself on the weekends is not your reality. Hence being in different places in life.

While it may be hurtful or not this is your reality. You are dating a man with a child. He is a Daddy. You might not have known it would be like this, but it is. It is what it is. So, who should change? You or the three year old? YOU. You are the adult and you are the one who is going to have to make the modifications to their schedule. Its not like his daughter can drive over and spend the evening with her Dad.

Start taking some vitamins and spend the evenings with your bf. It might be late but that is your "alone" time. That is the truth.

I don't think it's self-centered to ask this question. Moms ask it all the time- how do I make time for myself/ for my relationship with my husband/ for dating? the answer is that it's really hard. 3 year olds are really demanding, she's the number 1 priority for you BF, as she should be, and there's not much time left for you. Usually couples have at least 9 months to develop a strong partner bond before adding a child, and you did not so you need that 1 on 1 adult time.
Unfortunately, if you wish she was around half as much this is probably not the guy for you. If you are not ready to be a mom right now then that's perfectly understandable but it means you should leave this relationship before the two get more bonded to you.
To answer your question about getting more relationship time, however:
- Make the most of your weekdays.
- Perhaps AFTER you put her to bed on the weekends you can have a sitter come over and go out to squeeze in a date. Just be prepared to still get up with her in the morning.
- Make the most of nap time
- Do things as a family that you'll all enjoy. I love watching my kids experience new things.
- Plan things you can do together that you enjoy. So nice lunches are out, but you can picnic in the park. You can still do lots of things you like if you plan accordingly, and this gets easier with practice.
- You could also try putting her in a class- gymnastics, soccer, ballet, music, whatever. I really enjoy taking my kids to soccer, etc on the weekends. In that way you're still helping her develop and enjoying watching her learn new things, but with a teacher present you get a half hour or so to chat with your BF while you do it.

Essentially you're dating 2 people. So, again, if this is not fun for you then it may not be the relationship for you.

You'll have to either deal with it or end the relationship. I don't see any other way around it.

I read some of the other responses. I don't think you're being seflish or self-centered. I definitely get it. I have grandkids every weekend and there are some weekends that I declare "Grandma's kid-free weekend" because it does get to be too much and hubby and I never have time to ourselves. So I do get it, but there just isn't anything you can do about it other than to deal or get out.