I am a single mother, the father has never been in the picture, my son is now 12. We moved a few years ago away from my family and his friends because of my work. My son is a very smart child, reading at age 4, excelled in school before we moved. The past two years he has done really bad in school and doesn't care. His teachers are tired of asking him to be quite and pay attention. I have tried everything from taking things away, grounding and even trying to pay him for good grades. I am really nervous he won't pass this year. I did make a decision that we will be moving back to where my family is and where his friends are and I hope this helps. Any thoughts or suggestions on what i should do?
I want to thank all of you for sending me your thoughts on how to handle this. It has been very hard to raise him on my own for the last 12 years but also so rewarding! I just recieved his progress report and he is failing three classes.... this is so shocking to me. I have talked with him about what is going on with him and he talks a little bit to me about it.
My son and I are very close and we do talk about almost everything. I know he feels comfortable talking to me. I know he isn't doing drugs or drinking and the boys he hangs out with at school are really good kids and their families are too.
One thing I forgot to mention was my health has been really bad for a few years and I know this scares him. Over the last 4 months I have been in and out of the hospital and DR offices. I have sat him down and talked to him about it. He did talk with the theripst at school and he told her he thought I was going to die. When i heard that I took him to my next DR appointment so my DR could tell him I wasn't going to die.
When we move this summer back home he will have my dad agian in his life. My dad and him are very close and that is his only male role model. I will get him into talking with someone once we move.
Thanks again! If you have any more thoughts please feel free to let me know!
Some things to look for, unfortunately, are drugs and bad friends. One of my sons started to get bad grades all of a sudden and we found out that it was because one of the girls he liked thought that he was too smart to hang with her. "Cool" people didn't get good grades. Hopefully, the old friends will like him for who he is - smart.
L.,
When you talk to your son about it, does he share or just clam up? Do you think he's bored in class (needs to be challenged more) or perhaps has a physical or learning barrier (e.g. needs glasses)? Do his teachers identify a consistent problem -- like other kids distracting him or he's trying to be the class clown to make friends?
This is a difficult time for kids -- such an awkward age with lots of social pressure and drug/alcohol temptations. And that makes it even more difficult for moms. Kudos to you for trying different approaches.
Can you get your son involved in after-school activities, like sports, Boy Scouts, church group, or academic clubs? This might help him get more self confident and more connected to the community and more interested in his own academic performance.
Keep communicating and building your bond with him, so he knows he has someone to trust and confide in. A good way to strengthen this is to ask for his opinion on various issues (news, family, current events) and value his thoughts and observations.
Good luck!
Have you thought to have him see a councelor? when they hit that teen age years, that is when they stop talking to mom and start relying on others. a councelor is someone who can talk to your child and then let you know if there is anything to worry about. there is also a big brother/ big Sister program that might help. sounds like he needs some positive role models besides mom.
This sounds exactly like me and my son. I did all of that and none of it worked because all he really wanted was a male father figure. He is now 22 and doing very well. I feel for you. I think you are making the right decision to go be near family. A big factor in my sons problem was that, partly due to my chronic illness, we were very isolated socially, and family lives far away. Very few role models for preteen males. All you may be able to do right now is verbally reflect his feelings and let him know you are always in his corner. Be careful, though that you don't "mommy" him too much, even though he is not quite really a "little man". Rely on the compassion that you are obviously feeling for him and talk to him about what is bothering him. He may be perceptive enough to tell you because he is so smart. But, encourage him to feel and express his emotions in a healthy way that won't be self-destructive. My son always had this "dream daddy" that he constructed in his fantasy and would one day get to know. Then, when my son was 17, his father died and my son blamed himself because he didn't heed a feeling that he should look him up before it was too late. Because of the situation I was verbally supportive, but it never happened. From an early age, my son mentally constructed his own positive role model, which helped him form some of his better behavior. But, he was not able to fill in the behavioral holes that he was too young to imagine. And, he never got to know his father.
I'm a member of www.FLYlady.com, which really helps me keep my house clean and keep routines and have a healthy attitude towards it all. It's geared towards adults getting their homes and lives in order, but she provides a "control journal" for children to keep track of their homework, chores, etc, on their own without their parents nagging, which might really help. Kids (and husbands!) automatically resist us when we're telling them what to do, even if it's for their own good. The student control journal helps them stay organized and establish routines. Here's the link to the control journal: http://www.flylady.net/images/student_CJ.pdf#search=%22st...
Also check out her homepage flylady.net Her systems might really help you find peace in your own life like it did for me.
Flylady is an advocate of her colleague's website, www.housefairy.org, which is a website to help motivate and encourage children to clean their rooms. On the website there's a video of The Housefairy where she talks to your kids and tells them she's going to stop by unexpectedly every once in awhile and check on their rooms and see if they've been cleaning it like their parents have asked and leave little notes and rewards if they have. I know a 12-yr-old is too old to believe in it, but not too old to appreciate your own fun version of the game and look forward to the rewards. The website also helps give you ideas on how to make a game out of cleaning, and turn it into a positive experience so they can develop good habits for life. Praise and rewards are usually bigger incentives than punishment, and much more positive and help their self-esteem. In fact, while studying for his Master's in Business, my husband learned that people performed better with the incentive of receiving recognition and praise than they did with the motivation of monetary rewards in the workplace. You can plan family activities as rewards, doing what she wants, which she most likely prefers over material things, plus it sends a better message. The housefairy.org website has a LONG list of incentive ideas, posted by other parents.
Good luck! Be firm and make sure there are consequences, both positive and negative, for their behavior. Consistency pays off. I am a BIG advocate of the Love and Logic parenting style of letting your children suffer the natural consequences of their choices and enforcing limits, but doing so in a loving, empathetic way. Love and Logic also stresses the importance of reinforcing a warm parent/child relationship by being involved and spending time together. They offer awesome parenting classes that I strongly encourage taking (www.keriparentcoach.com is their excellent local instructor here in AZ), have some great books ("Parenting with Love and Logic"), and DVDs and CDs. Check them out at the library or purchase at www.loveandlogic.com When I attended the parenting classes it became apparent that this approach to parenting is very similar to how I was raised, and I really appreciate my upbringing and always had a fantastic relationship with my mom, even during my teenage years. My mom recommends "The Parents Handbook," by Don Dinkmeyer, also known as the Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) Handbook. Also, "For the Love of Children" is great.
Something is going on at school. Each school has a SPI counselor. It is free. All you need to do is ask. If this doesn't help--start having lunch once a week if you can to see the situation at lunch and on the playground. If you pack his lunch-place notes of encouragement and love in it daily. Middle school was the toughest for my now 16 year old. My daughter will soon be there. I would start putting things in writing to the school principle and teacher too. One of the teachers my son had tried to pin ADHD on him and later I found out they were keeping him in lunch detention. I wrote a letter to the principle and teacher demanding that recess not be taken away and discipline would by mine-I just needed notification. Of course he's going to be disruptive if he has no recess....All I can say is start asking lots of questions and maybe get a big brother (big brother/big sister) Check out website www.focusonthefamily.org and parentingtodaysteens.org. Keep Smiling and letting him know you love him. If he rides a bus--bus issues too.
You could look into getting your son involved with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. My husband participates in it and has been paired with the same "little brother" for a few years now. Good luck.
Does he have adhd or anything like that?
sounds similar to my son, depressed. we've been seeing a counselor and have been trying to make some big changes to help him. we also took him to my chiropractor and he ended up needing x-rays and found out that he has scoliosis! we are trying b vitamins, fish oil daily, chiropractics and counseling..we're pretty determined.
hopefully moving back will help him...have you told him you're moving back and what was his response? i'd think if the move bothered him his mood would change if he knew he were going back...otherwise you may look into tracking what's going on and look into depression.
Maybe find a school with a more accepting attitude. Teachers who will reach out. Maybe a charter school with new ideas? I have active boys too, and sitting still in a chair for six hours just doesn't work for them. Find him extracurricular activities so there is something he is good at and a way to work out his extra energy. Don't punish him too much, it may not be his fault!
I would definately try a counselor. Sometimes they need to get things off their chest, but can't do it because they'll feel judged or ridiculed. I'm not saying that you would, but our mind loves to create amazing situations!
Big Brothers/Big Sisters is also great if he is willing. I used to be a Big Sister when I was in KS.
I'm not sure if you are religious or not - but church is a GREAT way for him to meet other kids (outside of the school setting), and you could find an "extended family" not only for your son, but also yourself. My husband and I have found our extended family and support group through our church.
Good luck!
