Teenager Problems

This one is so close to home it is scary. However, first and foremost I want to say what everyone else has said. Back off and let her make her decisions. Quite honestly, that is why I'm here in Indiana. At 31 years old, the person who raised me tries to control every aspect of my life. I married someone he was against me being with and due to his doing everything in his power to keep us separate, I fought hard to be with this man. I married him and had 3 of my 4 children with him. I do not regret having my children and I am still friends with my ex husband. But I know had I been left alone to make my own decisions instead of being "forbidden" to see the person I wanted to be with, I would have seen his faults on my own and made the right decision myself.I know I haven't really said anything new to this thread, but I had to comment because I was in almost the same situation, only that was about 16 years ago...WOW!

I'm betting that your daughter is also more than a little scared at the prospect of becoming a mother. The best thing you can do for her is offer your love and support. The more you try to tell her what to do, the more she will rebel. If this boy is the father of her child, you really have no right to keep them apart. I know that you only want what's best for your daughter, but she is almost an adult. You don't want to totally driver her away. I had a parent-figure that did that to me. She just bossed and bossed and I eventually just quit speaking to her. If I had been offered more support, it would have been a better relationship. Since your daughter is a good student and is responsible enough to have a job, I'm betting that she's a pretty good kid. Try to trust her judgement. If this boy does break her heart she'll need her mother to come home to. Plus, there will be a baby involved soon. You don't want to push away your daughter and your grandchild. Just give her lots and lots of love and support. I hope everything works out for you.

Wow, every mom's nightmare.
I was a difficult teen and did not get along with my mom very well. I did not get pregnant but I did move in with my boyfriend when I was 17. She didn't like him very much either. We eventually got married and had 4 children and my mom and him are close now. We have been married for 16 years in Oct. Maybe it will just take some time. I think she just needs your support right now because it doesn't sound like she is going to change her mind. I remember being that age and man did I know EVERYthing! My heart goes out to you....really...especially since I have a 14 year old girl now who has been doing a lot of those typical teen behaviors, too. I will say a prayer for you. Sorry I don't have any great advice. :( That is such a tough situation.

I know you'll probably think that I wouldn't know much. Okay. Maybe. As a parent, we need to be there for our children when they need us. There is a time that we must face, when our children won't "need" us anymore. Just let her know that whatever she needs, you will be there beside her. Not infront of or behind her. Support her: she will need it. Especially when the baby comes. Pray for the best, prepare for the worst. If you know this guy will not follow through and care for his family. She needs to know that she has someone to fall back on. Love them! I have a sister-in-law was in the same situation and now they live in Idaho and she has two kids and we don't have very much communication.

Good luck!

Ash

I remeber that age well and it wasnt that long ago. I am only 25 and i moved out when i was 17 but not for that same reason mine was more too much drama in my household. Also I was dating a guy too. And we moved in together. Nothing mom could say would change my mind. My mother and I are best friends. This guy cheated on me 5 times and when i found out the truth it was all i could do to apologise to my mom about how she felt about him. Lucky for me i didnt get pregnant cause that would have been a disaster. THe best advise i can say is to difinatly make sure that this guy does that daddy role and pays support and takes care of her. Let her know how you feel but also be supportive because whats doen is done shes going to be a mother and wether you like this guy or not is not the babys fault. I think everything will eventually calm down. It takes 2 to tango and the little one deserves a chance to know both parents. Being that the boy is a cage fighter as long as he never attempts to threaten or lay a hand on your daughter you ought to be blessed. Most guys like that have a major temper. If she is happy then compromise. AS long as he is respectable to you and the family then do so back. Let him know also that you dont approve of his behaviour and that in your home you expect respect from him. It may also help to make sure you and his parents are on the same level about the baby. I think if everyone is aware and can come to a compromise it will be for the better. If you daughter sees that you are trying to help make amends and that she understands you want to help it should all smooth over. If nothing else when the lil one is born that first 3 weeks is hell. NO SLEEP, And pure exaustion. THat is enough to make any daughter cry to mom I NEED HELP and that can also be a bonding point for you also. If anything helps please let me know. BEar with it hun. I now have 2 children and i have been divorced and that is at 25 we do have to make our own mistakes to learn but in the end it all works out. :)
Tiff

Hey L., I personally have been in your daughters shoes.I was 18- 19 and with a man my family did not like. The more they pushed for me to get away from him, the more I wanted to be with him. I too became pregnant. My family was always telling me that there was no way we could raise a baby together Me and my mom were always fighting. When my son was born he was my moms pride and joy.I let the family know that they accepted me and his father or they didn't get to be around my son. When I was further along in the pregancy my mom started backing off.And we became best friends agian before the baby was born. I could not have done it without her by my side. But me and my now husband have been together since 10 years and everyone has realized that he is a great dad and husband. They just had to give us room to grow up. As a parent my self now that must have been so hard for my parents to let go but as parents that is our job to raise them guide them then let go and see if they fly.If my parents wouldn't have let go then we may still not be a family. My advise is just be on your daughters side, she needs you more than ever now. And they may mess up once in a while but as parents we all mess up sometimes. That way if your daughter and her boyfriend stay together they'll both be able to learn from you and if your daughter would end up doing this alone she'd be stronger with you by her side. Hope this helps and good luck. By the way,my mom said that being a grandparent is the greatest joy in the world.

You really only have two options in this case: A) continue to push your views on her knowing she disagrees with you, thus pushing her away, or
B) Agree to disagree and let her do what she wants.

The thing about situations like this is that the more you push her to try and understand and accept "your way" of doing things or your point of view is that she will turn 18 and you may never see her or your grand baby again because you have such a negative relationship with your daughter.

At this juncture she is already pregnant...what your trying to avoid has become a truth, you have to come to terms with that and let your daughter be whoever it is she wants to be. I got pregnant at 18; as irresponsible and troublesome as I was for my parents at that age, they took the news well but always had it in the back of their minds they were going to end up raising my kid. Not so at all, and my dad was just telling me the other day how amazed he was at how fast I grew up and how well I have done for myself. My son was my saving grace at that age, even though at the time I didn't know it. His dad isn't around, but we are fine.

At the end of the day, we are each responsible only for ourselves (unless you have little kids), your daughter has to live her life and make her own mistakes, learn from them. You never know; just like my dad you might look back on this 6 years later and be very proud of everything your daughter has accomplished!

I feel for you I really do.. All I can said is We are here to guide them and teach them the best we can. They have to be able to make their own decision once they get to that age. More you tell her to get away the closer she will get to him. So I would just tell her how you feel and the problems that can come from her being with this boy. You are only telling her this because you love and care for her very much. Just respect her for who she is. We can not stop our children from doing things. We can only teach, guide, pray and hope for them to make the best choice. And now there a baby. So he in your life. Let time tell the story. More you try the more she going to run from you. I know this is very hard. I will be praying for you. T.

You are only supporting her half way, and that is not support. Either accept her fully, if you expect her to accept you the same way, or disregard her completely. You say she has no respect for your feelings, but you are not even concerned about hers. She is only defiant for one reason only. She is afraid and if he is the only one not yelling at her, he wins, for now. In a very calm voice, and once you say it stick to it, you need to tell her that you do completely understand and you have been wrong and that you think she should move in. she is a woman who can make her own choices and if that is what makes her happy, you support it. Then tell her you will get her a moving truck or some sort of help immediately so she can move on with her life.

Now, you have taken away her reason for fighting and then she will weigh the situation on her own, and probably make the right choice. Even if she does move out, when things start to go bad there, she will feel safe in running back to the mother who accepted her and loved her no matter her decision, rather than hide from you for the sake of being told "I told you so".

If she wants to go meet life, then let her, it is not yours to control anymore and what better way for her to get it on her own. Teenager or not, she will eventually go through this so better to get it over young rather than spend the next decade ruining her life just to defy and spite you. that would be more of a waste, wouldn't you agree?

I don't want to repeat the wonderful advice that's already been given, but something that my Dad said to me a few years ago when we were talking about how similar our parenting styles are (even though as a teen, I always said I would NEVER be like him) But, it has always stuck in my head and I think it's rather appropriaite.

"My job was to raise you and see that you were as healthy and happy as possible- even when you were fighting me. I let you run, and sometimes I had to let you run into a brick wall before you would learn your lesson. But I made sure I was always there to pick you back up when you fell too."

Just be there for her Mom, your little girl, and your grandbaby is going to need you whether or not she'll admit it.

Hang in there. Keep showing her your love, even though you need to stay strong and be tough. My daughter, now 24 and 2 children later, tells me at least twice a week how much she loves us and thanks for all the advice and love. She was 16 when she got pregnant. I lost her because I did not like the boy and would not let her live with the boy or let him move into our home. I explained to her that two wrongs don't make a right. She needed to stay in school and stay home.

She made straight A's, was on the dance team at school and....well she convinced my mother of 6 hours away to let the two of them move there. That relationship lasted 10 months or so. So 7 years later.......my two grandsons and daughter live 6 hours away, and she wants to come home sooo bad.

Now she has a good man, the father of her second child and the first as far as he is concerned.

Sara was so irresponsible it scared me to death for her to become a mother. She grew up so fast it made my head spin. She started keeping things clean, took care of my grandson all by herself, never left him with anyone, took him on her dates with her, and both the boys are always clean and well fed.

Sorry for rambling, just wanted you to know it is tough, but life may offer her some good things yet. It will be up to her now to make the right choices. My daughter and I have had a rough road over the years. I think we are pretty close again.....

this is coming from a 25 year old woman who had her first child when she was 19 and is currently in therapy for past issues stemming from several bad choices I made "growing up" (because no matter how old we are-we are all still growing up right?!) the more my mother told me what not to do the more I did it. eventually I grew tired and so did she. I had my daughter and found out that she was blind and mentally retarded. I needed my mother so bad then. Please just celebrate being a grandma and love your daughter for who she is and for what she is trying to become!

As young as she seems to us nowadays, my mom was married at 17 and had 3 children by the time she was 21. Most of her friends were married straight out of high school and had kids right away. She is 50 now. The reason I'm saying that is what's done is done. She can't go back, so at this point, I think that the only thing you can do really is support her. She doesn't need guidance on her relationship with this guy.....she's already pregnant. What she does need though is her mom to support her. I know it must seem impossible, but the reality is that it is her life and she is responsible for her own choices. If you keep trying to monitor her relations with this guy, you're just going to keep pushing her farther and farther away because she will rebel against your wishes. She's going to need you a lot, and you want her to feel like she can count on you. If she feels like you're not supportive of her and against what's happening, she may not feel comfortable enough to come to you for help, which is the last thing you want when she's getting ready to become a first time mother at a young age. Try to remember that it is what it is. It's not about what might happen anymore. Now it's about preparing her for being a mother, and supporting her so that if this guy does end up not being a good father, she knows she has her mom there for her. Help her come up with a plan and help her get everything she needs for the baby. If she feels like you're accepting her, your relationship with her will naturally likely mend itself. Also, and this is really important. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This does not mean that you missed something as her mother along the way. No matter how well we raise our children, things do happen. People come into their lives that are influential. Girls fall for guys sometimes that are not good for them. It's just what happens, and in those processes, bad choices are made that sometimes lead to undesirable consequences. The important thing is that you allow her to live with her own choices, but still embrace her and support her. I'm sure that she knows that she's made a difficult bed for herself with this one, but she also has probably already accepted that fact and has moved on because she has no other option. I just think it's important that you don't blame yourself here because your feelings of guilt that you may have may come across as being nonsupportive of her, when really your being toyed with your own inner emotions. This doesn't mean that she's a disappointment. This doesn't mean that she is a bad kid, she just made a couple of bad choices that have caused a redirection in her life at the moment.

Keep your chin up, things will work themselves out.

Wow, what a tough situation! I do not know your daughter and I don't know her boyfriend, but I agree with the other ladies. You can not change what has already happened. What your daughter needs is love and support, and your grandchild deserves a relationship with both his parents. If this guy wants to be dad and wants to be a good boyfriend, my advice is to TRY your hardest to develop a relationship with him. Most young relationships do not work out, but he will forever be your grandchilds father no matter what. Get your daughter all the pregnancy materials you can. Tell her about the importance of going to all her doctors appts. If the bf wants to take her then support that, if he dosent then you go with her. At this moment I would support the relationship between them..only b/c its what SHE wants from you. Sit down with them and explain that you want to start over. Tell your daughter you support her choices and want the best for the baby....it will be hard but try to be sincere and loving in your approach. This way if he does her wrong she KNOWS that you tried your best to help them both. I wish you all the best!

I have read all of the other responses so far, so I don't want to repeat a bunch of advise. You should love her unconditionally and the baby, and if you don't accept the father, just don't badger him infront of her or when the baby is born. Besides this "cage fighting" does he have another job?? Is he going to have any money to support them if she moves in with him? I would do everything in my power to make sure your daughter finishes school and holds a job, but do not pay for every little need they have. It won't hurt to help with diapers and clothes occasionally, all grandparents do that, even those who can't really afford to. I'm sure you are probably working, but help her with babysitting whenever you can, just so she's not leaving the baby with unfamiliar people. Make sure she takes a birthing class, and if he won't go with her, you should. Support her in every way, that way when something bad happens, she won't be afraid to call you because of things that have been said. Every new mother needs her mother, whether she is 17 or 27 when the child is born. My mother and I had a major fight just before I found out I was pregnant, the difference was I was 25 and just married, but the fight was about my husband and hers, so it is relative. My mom is now my son's babysitter every Tue/Thu, so things will get better, unless you continue to push her away. She is old enough to make her own decisions, even though she's your little girl. Hope things work out for the best. Don't let your first grandchild get away, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!

Back off mom. You can't do anything, but be there when the glass shatters. I know its heart breaking, but if you keep fighting with her she won't let you help when her world falls apart. We can hope he steps up and really loves her and the baby. Chances are when the going gets tough he will run. If they want to get married fine that piece of paper can go along way into making him face reality. I’m not saying to do a complete turn around. It’s more a quiet surrender. You want to be a part of the baby’s life, and if you keep up the fight you will drive her away. Remember we don’t always like are children or the decisions they make, but we always LOVE them no matter what. Stay strong…. There could be a lot of pain ahead for her. Make it easy for her to turn to you when he lets her down. Angry words and hurt feelings can become walls. Don’t let him come between the two of you. Like it or not he is the father of your grandchild. Last but not least when it is over please don’t be one of those moms that says I TOLD YOU SO! She will feel bad enough.

Hello L.~
This sounds some what familiar. I was 17 when I moved out with my boyfriend that my mom did not approve of. We then found out we were pregnant when I was 19. I now will be 24 in a few weeks and we have a 3 year old daughter. We are still together,bought a home, have good jobs now( I stayed at home with our daughter for 2 1/2 years) and are looking forward to our futures.
I think alot of times girls your daughters age get caught in the idea that they can do IT especially when the fmaily is against the relationship. We grew up in a world where everything is about competition and wanting it NOW! Unfortunatly the more you try to get through to her the more her eyes will roll. I think you should try to show her what she can be. Do you know what her true interests are? DOes she want to travel, be a magazine editor, a model, a politician? Show her without being pushy what it is that she really wants. Maybe google some information on her interests and kindly email it to her letting her know you saw it and thought she may want to investigate. I also think trying to be happy about the baby will help. Obviously they are and they should..they have no idea how much they will love that baby but also have no idea how things will change. let her know that she may have messed up because she wanted too much right now but shes still young (probably will have more children down the road...key word id down the road) and still capable of much more! Kepp her mind on what she really wants in life and I think once the baby is her she will come around. Good luck!
J.