Teenage Stubborness

my son is now 17 and when he was the same age he was doing the same thing. He was going through the changes of life and he continued this behavior about two years. Grounding and taking things that he really enjoyed worked most of the time, unfortuately until his changes end he will be like this. But there is hope because my son now is more respectful and cares about his school work so that he may graduate.

Not sure this is going to help. I know that when I was a teenager I sounded just like your son does now. I stoped caring about everything. I know that I gave my mother hell non stop. My mom came to the point that sounds like you are and then she realized she made the rules I think. LOL She took every thing away form me phone, freinds, after school and even had me talk with the school counslor. Once I realized that my mother ment business and I was not getting anything back I walked the right line then. I will never forget telling her that she would not take my phone away and she rip it out of the wall. So maybe you and your husband just need to lay the law and take stuff away all the way to him just having his bed and dresser only in his room. in my opinion he is testing you to see how much he can get away with. Also have you thought about giving him a drug test (hate to say that) But that will also make a child act much diffrent. Check out the dare web site to see the changes in a child that may suggest a substance being used. I hope it all works out sorry I could not been of better help!

Well, it could be anything from his adjusting to high school (being a freshman is a trying time), to asserting his independence, to drugs. If he is doing things really uncharacteristic of his old self, I would make sure drugs are not an issue. Has he made new friends in high school? Have you met them? Tell him to invite them over for pizza or something, & say you & your husband will stay out of their hair. Maybe he is beginning to fall in with the wrong crowd, and you need to stop that fast! The only way you'll know is to meet them. Is he generally outgoing or shy? Maybe he wanted to fit in w/ a group of kids quickly so he didn't feel like an outsider, or lonely. High school is a big, big adjustment for a kid & my first guess is this has something to do w/ new friends he has made. I think the key in what you said is he's not getting grades up to HIS OWN standards. I think this is a bigger issue than if he just wasn't meeting your standards. Good luck.

I do not know your son, nor your family and disrespect is not intended. My first thoughts were drugs and/or wrong crowd, I would do whatever you feel you need to to ensure that his issues are not of the above, if that is ruled out then he just needs a reality check on what is appropreiate and not, for a teenage boy.
Good luck!

It's peer pressure! My son is doing the EXACT thing and he's 11 yrs old! LOL They want to be one of the guys ~ my problem was from him changing schools ~ he was an "A" student in a Catholice School and being in a new school with "new" friends now at the public school.

My son claimed that they teased him for being a Geek ~ so he started slacking off in his school work. He quit handing in school work everyday. I spoke with his Teacher and she emails me everything he's missing on Friday's and he makes it up during the following week. It's easier with him because I save all his school work that he claims is really nothing. When the Teacher emails me what's missing ~ I can find it in all his clutter!! He use to be a neat kid also ~ LOL

Good Luck!

C., I am a junior high teacher, and I can picture your son among my many students. What I love about being the teacher is that we get to share all of the ups and downs of students but we can go home at the end of the day. They are at a great age, but it is like their whole being has been exposed to extreme magnification. Their physical bodies are undergoing changes that we have forgotten are very earthshaking to them. And all they care about is their peers. HOWEVER, parents remain extremely important to them. I am constantly surprised at how much they care about what their parenets say, do, and think. The role of parents throughout the teens, I have oberved, is to never quit the job! It can get very rough, but teens need their parents to hang on (subtly and quietly) and never let go. At the end, you will have an amazing adult son who will give you years of pride!
Take care, M. C.

It sounds to be like he's being a "normal" teenager.
Is he hanging around a bad crowd? Is there a girl that he likes? Maybe she's taking up his time and all he can think of is her. Maybe he's getting picked on in school. Older kids aren't very nice to most Freshman. I'm sure you know how that goes. I would try and find out these things first and go from there.

Hi, I know what you are going through. My 17 year had this last year now he is doing great. My 16 yr old was doing this in the beginning of this year. First my husband and I came out and asked him if he was in a gang at school ( Scary !!!)he said no. We have a "safe" meeting, where I get a wooden spoon and the person who has it gets to talk only, we have rules that there is no yelling and all of us listen to each other. We may not agree with the things they say but we do have the last word. We knew that he wanted his license so we told him that if he gets good grades and respectful to his elders ( like how we raised him ) he can get his license, but if he goes back being disrespectful then I will take his lincense and shred it. If he can't be respectful to me then how can he be respectful to our family car?! He also has a job now and that helps a lot. As for his homework I email his teachers every so often and then if they email me with missing homework, I show my son and ask him about it. Then he is grounded from phone, friends, now a girlfriend, and all other things until his homework is up to date and he is showing us that he is being serious about school. He is now getting A's and B's. He is a good kid ( I am sure so it your son), and like you said this is normal, just a phase that teenagers go through, I was told that if you ( as parents ) gets through the teenage years then it should get better. We have a good relationship with our sons now, it was hard at first, but we got through it with a lot of talking ( not yelling ), tuff love ( emailing his teachers and grounding ) and making him know that there are conisquenses for every wrong doing for everyone not just him. We have an open conversation not with the "Safe" zone. I hope this helps you, I know it is hard but just keep letting your son know that you love him, but not his actions.

It's hard to tell from your info. Has he gone from an honor student to failing?I have 2 sons in college now & they were very different from each other. One was a top student & the other more-shall we say 'relaxed' about his studies.Freshman year is very challenging. My oldest had to fail a class & attend summer school to learn he had to change his attitude. If you think this is more than typical teen rebellion you might want to talk to the school counselor. You might also be interested in a FREE moms support group starting 2/7 at 7pm at Heathers Cafe (Portage Park)4352 N. Cicero ###-###-####. We will be learning simple strategies for stress reduction & focusing our parenting energy in a positive way.

What are the consequences for being disrespectful? What are the consequences for the poor grades and lying? There HAVE to be consequences for poor behavior. Otherwise, he thinks he'll get by with it as he goes through life. There are TOO many people out there who thinks there aren't any consequences for inappropriate or bad behavior because they were raised as if there are none.

You need to make SURE and acknowledge him and/or the others when they act appropriately ..."I appreciate your patience while I was on the phone".....etc. and "reward them...ie. extra time on computer or phone or something that means something to them. Reinforce the positive and deter the poor, negative and inappropriate.

This is a wake-up call for you. He is calling for help. You need to investigate this change. Maybe he has fallen behind at school and feel like a failure. Unfortunately, he could be under some kind of peer pressure and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Buddy up to him, be there for him, try to make yourself available for him to open up to you. Good luck and don't give up! You are the MOM. J.

oh my gosh! I can so relate! my daughter graduated last year and until she reached highschool she was a great kid. then highschool hits and its all about them, and their friends. I seriously dont know how we got through it but we did. I had to learn to pick my battles, stand my ground when I picked them. It certainly wasnt easy but she graduated and is in college- and it starts all over- bad grades- I dont know how people do it! We have a routine, go to church etc...

Good luck!

I have two teens who are now safely past those high school years, and I am a public speaker to middle and high school kids (on sex on relationships), so I've seen this common behavior. There's a lot of excellent advice here already (tough love and consequences are necessary). I would add a recommendation to read a book called The 5 Love Languages of Teens (Chapman). $10.19 Amazon, or half that used. Or just take it out from the library. While we're busy being "the meanest parent on the planet" when we hold them to the consequences they've earned, we also need to know how to continue to speak their language of love in order to keep the lines of communication open. The idea is that people "read" love in ways unique to them. For instance, my love language is acts of service (I feel loved when my husband fills up my car on a cold winter night). My husband's is physical touch. Everybody knows that all Dad needs to be happy is plenty of hugs from his wife and daughters. Hang in there. Oh, and one more thing...it's OK to snoop. I always told my kids that I wouldn't snoop unless they gave me reason for concern, but if their behavior was worrisome, my responsibility as a parent to watch out for their safety came first over their privacy.

C.,
Perhaps something has happened at school. Either a personality clash with a teacher, a bully, or girl trouble.
When my children (ages 17,11) seen to be having a problem I have found that the best way to get a teenager or any age child talking is to do something with them that they love. Riding bikes, hiking, playing video games, tennis whatever they love whether you enjoy it or not. You get them involved in the game and just start talking. Before you know it because they feel comfortable in what they are doing they have let their guard down and will talk about what is going on with them inside.
Do not over react to anything they might say, just listen. I would usually be able to share a similar experience from when I was that age and generally what worked for you back when will probably still work today. The pressures the youth have today is really a lot different so all you can do is just make them feel comfortable enough with you to want to talk.
I got this suggestion from my mom. She would do the same thing to my brother and I. After about a hour on the tennis court is all it took for us to work out anything going on in my head.
Just stay involved with him and his friends and he will come around. Do not give up you are not alone.

W. R