Recently this year a neighbor kid down the street started coming over to play with my son. He is a little older. Just turned 7, mine is turning 6. From the get go, I was having uneasy "vibes" about them playing together. I noticed right away that he LOVES to prove that he is bigger, faster, taller etc to my son. Holding balls above his head so he can't reach when they are playing together, knocking him down as much as he can, always telling him he can't do anything as well as him.
Initially we would talk to our son, and ask if he enjoyed playing with him and a lot of times he say that he was kind of mean to him. but when he would come down, which turned into every single day, he'd always say he wanted to play with him. But as time went on, there were more and more examples of this kid pushing my son around and just acting "bullyish" One day when it had snowed I watched him grab a huge clump of snow and throw it in my son's face. They weren't having a snowball fight, he just did it with a huge smile on his face. This was after knocking him down a couple times. So I sent him home,
We again were talking with my son, and asking how he felt about it and again he was saying this kid was mean to him a lot and hurting his feelings etc. We told him if you want to contnue playing with him but don't like how he's treating you, he had to speak up. Tell him if he doesn't want to be nice to go home etc. And I have interviened many times.He is constantly knocking my son down, roughly taclikng him, and he always has a smirk on his face and will laugh and call him a baby. I have also heard inappropriate things he says to my son, talking about pulling his pants down so he can laugh at his "pee pee"...?? wierd.
Last week, after asking him twice to stop playing this "shoving" game where basically my son was shoved off his feet twice. I then look out and see this boy SPITTING, trying to spit on my son. GROSS.
For me, it was my final straw. I sent him home, and told my husband he was done playing here. i have to watch them CONSTANTLY when he's here.There have been many instances of what I feel inappropriate behavior, and I do not like condoning his behavior. I have tried addressing things w/ the parents, but it doesn't change anything.
The next day, this boy is back at my door knocking and i sent him home, and let his mom know i didnt want him back over here and explained why. I didn't attack her son in the slightest, i just said they don't seem to play well together. Unfortunately though, with the nice weather all the kids play outside, so sure enough this boy and his siblings ended up in my front yard yesterday and my son was whining and upset that i wouldn't let him in the house, or in the back yard to play. I plan on sticking to my guns here, but can tell my son and husband are going to try and break me down. Even though my husband says he agrees this boy bullies our son when he gets the chance and isn't a great influence. I feel like of course my son is going to want to play, because he wants friends to play with. Should I eliminate the out front sidewalk play too? i do not want this boy back at my house on a daily basis! Am i wrong for sticking to my guns here??
Maybe bully isn't the best term...but it seemed fitting for a kid who physically pushes around a younger, smaller kid. And one who tells kids if you have to do what I want or I'm not playing with you and laughs at/makes fun of them....?
As I said in my post, there's many other examples I left out. And I didn't mention that I HAVE sent this boy home many times and have told him why. And by the next day he's BANGING on my door again. I have turned him away a few days in a row. Then the next thing you know my husband would answer the door, and let him in to play.
This time I told him I didn't want him back over. And when my son is out front, we are always out there the entire time.
We had a similar problem with a few neighbor kids...
It's a lot of work, but I constantly set up playdates for my dd with other nicer kids...
Life has been heavenly since the mean neighbors don't come over anymore. (for me and her!)
Now that about a year has gone by since they haven't come over...they all have forgotten about each other....it's all a distant memory. whew!
The boy sounds like a real jerk but he isn't a bully. No one follows bullies around, you avoid them. He just isn't a nice kid.
Sounds like your son needs to make new friends, ones that are actually friendly. It is just when your son follows this kid around that just emboldens the kid to be mean. So find new friends and your son will forget all about this kid. And stop calling him a bully because he isn't, he is just an awful kid that your son thinks is the only show in town.
This is a good example of why "let's play with neighborhood friends" doesn't really always work as well as "let's set up a play date with a friend we know from preschool/school/church" etc. I'd be making a big effort to get your son together with kids he knows from outside the neighborhood, from school etc. Yes, it's a lot more coordination and work but it's clear that your son needs to be "too busy" to be available to the neighborhood kids. Stick to your guns but also provide more positive playmates for your child.
You've already told the mom that the boy is no longer welcome -- excellent, and good for you for being frank with her. But the next step is teaching him and his siblings (and other neighbor kids, frankly) that your yard is not a place they can hang out and play. When they're out there, your son should not have to stand at the window whining to play outside or to let them in. Open the door and say nicely but firmly: "Boys, it's time for you to go home now. We're busy and Jimmy isn't coming out to play." And you stand there staring at them until they go. If they don't -- or come back five minutes later -- you inform them that you have told them once that they need to leave because you are busy and cannot watch them, and if they can't leave you will call their parents to come take them home. Repeat as needed. Yes, you will be called the mean lady down the street. Who cares? This kid shoves yours around; don't worry about his tender feelings or his mom not liking you if that's what happens.
(By the way, if a child gets hurt on your property you can be held legally liable in most states. That's another reason to keep this rough kid out of your yard. Sidewalks are public, at least where we live, so you can't control that.)
It is most worrying that you think your husband will wear you down over this. He must be on board with this. Why would he want your son shoved around? If your husband is in the "this will toughen him up, he has to learn to deal with kids like this one" camp -- time for him to reconsider. Your son needs to learn that mom AND dad have his back; but letting him play with this kid teaches him that mom and dad permit other kids to push him around. Which lesson does your husband want him to learn?
Doesn't your son have other friends to play with? Let him invite them over. We don't have any kids in our neighborhood so that's what we always did. Your son shouldn't be kept prisoner in his home because the only boy who lives nearby is a jerk.
there's a fluid dynamic between protecting one's child from hurtful behavior (which this 'bully' does demonstrate) and barricading one's child away from all unsupervised contact. it can be very tough to navigate, and i feel for your predicament.
i think you were right to lay the hammer down. this boy hasn't yet developed empathy, and you don't want your little fellow victimized, or to learn how to behave nastily himself.
but this is his neighborhood, and unless you're willing to 'punish' your son by keeping him in whenever the other boy is out, you're going to have to find a way to establish more elastic boundaries.
since the older boy has made it clear that he's not a good companion, i would stick to your edict and not let him over to play. why are he and his siblings in your front yard? that's not fair to your son, and means that the boy is not respecting your word. go out there and send them home.
your son should be able to play in his own yard, and if you have to be the dragon at the gate until the other kid understands you mean business, then you'll have to be out there with him, at least for a while.
you may find that the older boy becomes better as it becomes clear to him that his ugly behavior will not be tolerated. playing on the sidewalk under a watchful eye might be a place where this starts, but only if he demonstrates that he's rethinking his behavior.
can you import friends for you son from time to time? that'll help too.
even as hands-off as i was, i wouldn't tolerate another child spitting on mine, or knocking him down, or comparing penises (although that's actually not that unusual for the little barbarians<G>, but it shouldn't be done so nastily). but you can't make your kid suffer for it. why can't you let him out into the back yard? and why on earth isn't your husband backing you up?
khairete
S.
We had some of the same dynamics. I found that if I sat outside in a chair, even if I was just reading a book, the behavior was better. So the rule was that if the kids wanted to be out front Mom had to go with them. Over time they learned to stand up to the other kids - who I would not classify as bullies, just very assertive and sometimes whiny. At 6 I wouldn't let my kids out front alone anyway, so it wasn't an obvious reaction to the other kids when I was out front. The other kids didn't play at our house, only out front when the mobs came out. We made sure to invite other friends over to play at the house too. Now, at 12 & 10, both kids are good at standing up for themselves because of the practice with the neighbor kids.
Hmmmm. We have some neighborhood kids who are not "the best".. They're kind of scrappy, and they're a bit older than my son, but I believe kids need "alone time" to work out their own macho developments, so I try not to be too micro-managing about it. So far they haven't "targeted" my son so much as you're describing though. I have had to scold them ALL (including my son) for some mischief, and I do hear some "not so nice" stuff going on in the yard, but again, I stay out of it. My son has occasionally cried, gotten hurt, been picked on, but surprisingly, he doesn't want to come in from playing and he doesn't want me to interfere-even when a kid threw something at him and he needed stitches! (I did talk to the kid but my son was a trooper!) When I was young, parents never intervened on wild free play and kids worked everything out. Either by adjusting, or fighting, or not being friends anymore or whatever. I come from the "be home by dark" generation. I commend you for standing back as much as you have.
This kid's behavior is pretty awful though. It seems to me that you need to "get through" to his parents somehow, and if you can't then he has to be banished from your yard. It's good that you did not attack this kid to the mom, but you may not have been clear enough. Maybe one more talk with a, "I'm not mad, and I want to work this out, perhaps I wasn't forceful enough last time, but your son is doing these______specific things that are over the limit of what I can handle. Do you think there is any way to curb this so we can still let them play together?" That way, MAYBE they'll be firmer with him, or maybe THEY'LL keep him away more often so it's not all on you. Right now you're the only one feeling there's an issue.
It must be EXHAUSTING to have to listen to every exchange etc, you don't deserve that kind of stress.
If your child is not allowed to play with him, then he cannot be allowed in front of your house. If you're not willing to take things that far in the neighborhood, then you probably do need to cave and let your son play with everyone. This situation may improve over time as your son gets bigger, and it may toughen up your son, or it may end in an even bigger blow up, but at least then, you will feel comfortable completely banishing the kid. At this point, it's sort of an odd limbo...The kid was told to go away, but he kept coming back! You told him "no" but your husband let him play! You're trying your best to be assertive, but so far it's not enough to succeed. You need a sit down with your husband and the parents to try again to be heard. Whatever you decide has to be HEEDED! If the rule is that he cannot come over, then his parents need to make sure he does not bang on the door, and you (AND YOUR HUSBAND HELLO!!) should take it up with them every time he does. I don't like how everyone is trampling you!
My son is very, very drawn to another boy who doesn't treat him well. Without arguing semantics (because when it is your kid, it *does* feel like bullying, I do understand), I understand how frustrating it is.
I think everyone below me has stated reasonable action: do not allow this child over any more, make it clear that he isn't to be in your yard, etc. Do you have a fenced-in backyard? That can be nice. The other suggestion of being on the ball with playtimes with his kinder, nicer friends is very valuable. There must be something alluring or interesting about this kid, but how much nicer when you get to play with other friends who are actually nice to you. We've taken that route with our little guy.
We also got him started in a Judo class and I'm seeing some confidence there. One of the things I really appreciate about this particular sport is that he practices holds and throws with other kids in a safe and trusting way, so that builds up a sense of 'what's right and respectful' vs 'what feels unsafe/disrespectful'. It's something that I don't think a book can teach-- an experience the person has to have on their own.
I'm sad that you think your husband would try to 'wear you down'. Talk to him when you both are relaxed, not upset, and let him know that you need his support. That you aren't just trying to protect your son, that this kid is constant work to be around. Kids don't magically become empowered just because the right 'problem kid' comes into their lives. Your husband has a powerful role to play---he can let your son know how uncool the kid down the street's behavior is and how *he* doesn't think much of kids who have to brag or use put-downs to feel 'big'.
And this summer, when your son is out, you be out too. I have to do this on the schoolground; this child who pesters my son is not allowed to be with him, but they do tend to linger after school. Today, as soon as I saw the other kid come out, he ran to my son with an angry look on his face and started play fighting. I just told Kiddo that, per our agreement with the administration, it was time for us to go. It's no fun to be the parent who has to make the smarter, better decisions all the time, but it's better than watching my kid get clobbered again... again.
the boy is a jerk. i agree with you.
your son needs kids to play with. invite some kids over from school ,church, synague, sports teams..have him join an activity.
stick to your guns. keep that kid away from your son.
This boy is not a bully. The term bully is thrown out there when someone claims that " he/she was mean to me", etc. That does not constitute bully!!!
Does your boy have any other friends? If not, why not? Get him involved in something outside of school as well so he develops a network of friends. Maybe he could benefit from martial arts and learn how to stand up for himself.
Help your son grow his friend network then don't worry about the other kid.
The boy fits the bully description to me. He is a bigger kid and knocks another child down; throwing a clump of snow in one's face, while not engaged in a snowball fight; pulling down ones pants for a laugh; shoving; spitting on people.
In any event, you do need to teach your son this is not a friendship and keep the two of them separate.
My daughter is going through some very similar problems at school. We have said the exact same thing. If the two are not playing nice together, then stay away from her. This kid continues to kick my daughter, point pencils at her, throw things at her, and scream my daughter's name at the top of her lungs. Ignoring this child irritates her because she is expecting my daughter to react. My daughter can see that ignoring her is much more powerful than kicking her back, yelling back, or any other type of physical retaliation.
As for the suggestion that you get your son in activities so he can gain other friends is wonderful, but you still have to teach him to stay away from these kids who are seeking negative attention. My daughter is involved in sports everyday, she still has to deal with this girl at school. She is big and strong and if I teach her to retaliate, we will be in the schools office everyday.
Best wishes.
Definitely find him some playmates his own age to play with, even if it means a short drive -- it's a better alternative than keeping him trapped in the house because of a kid who's being a pain in the butt (he has the makings of a bully anyway). There have been no kids on our end of the street most of the time my son was younger, so I would walk him up the street to a friend's house to play with the kids there (friends from school), or drive him a short ways to a couple of other friends' houses after school or on the weekend. He also has friends from church. We will often take turns dropping our kids off -- I'll bring my son over and they'll bring him back, or his friends will come over.
