Should I Go Back on a Consequence Involving Disappointing a Friend?

We don't fight over food.
My Mom made food an issue and I vowed not to do that with my child.
Tomorrow's a new day and I don't think the canceling of the outing was a good idea.
You and Hubby need to get on the same page as far as discipline and consequences and then be consistent.
Maybe Love and Logic would be a good parenting book to read together.

http://www.loveandlogic.com

Soooo..if he's hungry before bed he can't even have cereal & milk?
Wow.
Like another poster said: power trip.
Like "You CAN eat something, but I'll throw in a weird twist just because I can?"
Really consistent start.
Ridiculous to me.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say your DH was "unclear". For whatever reason, power trip, whatever, he said "dry cereal". IN FRONT OF YOU and AFTER you said he would get a consequence, your son got the milk and proceeded to defy you and DH rather blatantly. YOU chose the consequence (wasn't there something less major you could have punished him with?). It all seems pretty clear to me.

Several things wrong with this entire event, as many others have pointed out. 1) Expecting kids to eat only at meal times (set by grownups) and not when they're actually hungry. I know this is the traditional way of doing things, but if a child isn't hungry, forcing him to eat isn't healthy. They won't ever learn to read their own body's hunger cues. 2) Husband's power trip...dry cereal, really, THAT'S the hill he's going to die on? 3) Your son had no problem openly defying you...might want to get that under control while he's still young. 4) YOU chose the consequence...you can't blame your husband for that. Your son isn't suffering the consequences because of your husband...your SON is the one who defied you. If anyone, you and your son are responsible for his "suffering".

This is reactive parenting. You and DH need to talk through your parenting techniques and get on the same page. You're both just reacting to situations haphazardly instead of proactively foreseeing them and having a plan in place. For example: is after dinner snacking an "issue" in your household (it seems to be...a battle, you said)? Then make a plan for it. Eat dinner a bit later so kid is actually hungry at dinnertime. Or put his plate of leftovers in the fridge knowing he'll finish it later when he's hungry. Or accept that he may need a small bowl of cereal before bedtime since he gets hungry then. Whatever the case, make a plan for it instead of getting caught off guard every time.

I know I'm in the minority, but I would absolutely allow your son to go on the outing.

You need to quit coming up with random consequences at the spur of the moment for seemingly harmless behavior. He is 6 years old and he was EATING A BOWL OF CEREAL. It's pretty clearly a power trip to say "you can't have any milk! Dry cereal only!" Seriously?

You and your DH need to figure out what battles are important for you to fight and why, or you going to create some some major issues with both discipline and food.
What is your reasoning for no food after dinner, Because you don't want to clean up more mess? Because he should eat what is offered? Because you don't want to make something else? Based on your answer to that, figure out an *appropriate* consequence. If you want him to eat what is offered, save leftovers and offer that as an after dinner snack if he is hungry. If you don't want to clean up, offer choices that he can make and clean up.
I would save canceling important playdates or games for big offenses like violence or repeated dangerous behavior.
I would also sit with your son (preferably with your DH) and explain you were upset that he wasn't listening to you but you think you overreacted in taking away his outing. I would then follow up by telling him the new more appropriate 'rules' for snacks, and *explain the reasoning behind those rules* as well.

oh my, so many battles! battles with your DH over parenting philosophies, battles with son over food (HUGE red flag), battles with your obviously confused and frustrated child over actions and consequences- i'd feel sick too.
while ordinarily i'd say 'stick to your guns', in this case i think it sucks that the kid got stuck in the middle of you and your dh's inability to make a calm decision, and now has a 'consequence' that doesn't have a single thing to do with eating issues. was he defiant? you bet. obnoxiously so. but i can't find it my heart to condemn this young fellow for looking at a stupid, illogical edict like 'you can have cereal but NO MILK' and deciding it's wack.
your whole family is suffering. you'd better figure this out pronto and if you and your dh can't do it, get to counseling. this is no fun for you two and completely unfair and damaging to your child.
khairete
S.

Why isn't your son allowed to eat? Is he obese? Three pickles, oh my! What a glutton.

Your husband needs to lighten the hell up and let his kid eat some milk and cereal. Good luck convincing him of that.

I think you should allow your son to eat before bed, even if he didn't finish his dinner, and I think you should let him go on the outing.

Food battles are not worth having for anything less than a life/death situation.

Both you and your husband need to STOP battling with your child over food and STOP bickering with each other. You and he are both in the wrong.

A friend related consequence for a food related issue is not logical, and is a poor idea. Plus, if you have set plans with the other mom & kid, you are basically punishing the other child and disrespecting the mother's time, which is not appropriate.

If you child does not eat dinner and is hungry later, it is appropriate to say "no, you can't have ice cream" and instead offer reheated dinner or a boring sandwich or similar.

Cereal might also be an acceptable option, although I don't get why there was also a milk/no milk issue. What does it matter?! He countermanded you, your child behaved like kids do in confusing situations, you hopped in again and started yet another battle...you're focusing on the wrong thing.

You're in a power struggle with your child that doesn't even need to happen, and in a power struggle with your husband that is more about the marriage than about the child.

You and your husband need to get on the same parenting page, but neither you nor he are correct in your methods in regards to food battles. You both need to quit what you're doing and learn something new.

Google "food battles not worth it" and several resources will pop up. If you can't pull it together on your own, then seek marriage counseling with a co-parenting class component.

Hey Mama, Please get professional help ASAP to sort this out. I would bet the farm that parenting differences are just one piece of larger problems in your marriage. Your post set off alarms for me. You clearly love your son so for his sake get some family counseling. If things continue along this path, your son will grow up in the middle of a power struggle between his parents. He will pay a high price emotionally and developmentally for being at the epicenter of this type of struggle.

I know you have problems with your child and food. You've written about it before. I don't know if your child still has to wear a pullup to bed at 6 years old, but really and truly, it's obvious that there is a lot of trouble in your household and your son is suffering for it. Your husband sounds like a hot head and you don't seem to understand that children have a right to EAT in their home.

You and your husband need to have some family counseling. You need to actually be HONEST with your ped and tell him or her what kind of strictures you're putting on this child and food. You are setting your son up to be obese when he gets older, OR he'll end up being bulimic.

Kids who hide food do it for a REASON. The idea that the problem is that your husband is unclear is a complete cop-out. Your husband may certainly be the problem, but not because he's being unclear. It's because he is using food as a power trip over your son, and all it will do is hurt your child over and over.

You and your husband need counseling. Get it. You need to understand that power struggles over food are NOT the way to be a good parent. Molly and Isn'tthisfun are spot on.

I'm confused. You told him to stop, he didn't stop, you told him what the consequence would be (without thinking it through, maybe?) and now you are blaming your husband?

L., you have to choose, hard, what's important. You and your husband need to come up with a plan, together, and stick with it.

Your son likely looked right at you, heard your words, decided not to stop, and now he's busted. I've been there, and you know, even when it meant disappointing the friend, that is just a bummer. You don't say what age your son is, but if he's old enough to be helping himself to food, he's old enough to mind the adults. My son knows that if I tell him that he'll be losing a privilege and he does it anyway, I will follow through with the consequence.

By the way, I've also been on the receiving end of this as the parent of the other kid. The child was misbehaving and did something very naughty and disrespectful-- the mom called me about 15 minutes before our kids were to get together and tell me that she just couldn't see bringing him. I understood, and what's more, I had even more respect for her.

I should add, by the way, that I don't think you should have made this your hill to die on. Molly IS right in that you and your husband are getting into a power play and that you really need to set up a plan and stick with it. Just going back to your old questions, it seems like food might be a control issue already. Time to take a step back, find a plan which feels healthy, workable and sane, and stick with it.

ETA: taking a look at your previous questions, every other posters who suggested counseling is spot on. Get your stuff sorted out, or this will ONLY get worse.

How incredibly sad for your child. It's silly to argue over food.

He's hungry, it's a parents job to provide food. Feed the child. Allow him to eat when he's hungry.

Most kids need to eat a meal, have a snack, eat a meal, have a snack, eat a meal, and have a snack before bed.

They should be allowed to eat something every 3-4 hours regardless of when you eat dinner and how much of it they ate. That's an entirely different meal. That's like saying "You didn't eat your grits at breakfast so there's no way you're hungry at dinner, you can't eat anything right now".

Kids metabolism burns food differently than an adults. They also have a smaller stomach/food track so they get hungry more often.

Even if he eats a full dinner he should get a snack before bed, he's going to be without food for 8 or more hours and if he's hungry he's going to wake up in the middle of the night.

Now, my honest opinion, my own 2 cents worth.

Your son wants cereal, so he goes to get it, mom and dad argue and fight and more. So he just goes and gets what he wanted to begin with, food that he likes. He wins.

If you were my neighbor and I knew you were denying your child food when they were honestly hungry I'd call social services on you. If I was your mother and knew you were denying my grand child food when they were hungry I'd go to court and take them away.

I truly thought you and your husband were teenagers/very very young parents.

No parenting classes in the world will make any difference because of this:

If your goal is to make your child conform to your rules and by GOD they will obey you when you say anything then parenting classes won't help.

Parents are not supposed to make rules like that. If he'd have wanted a candy bar or a piece of cake it would have been different. Cereal is fortified with vitamins and minerals. It's not unhealthy. Milk is good for kids. The meal he picked wasn't a bad meal.

Tonight I had a little bit of pizza then when I came home and got settled down I ate half a tub of Cheddar Pasta Salad from Walmart. I love that stuff. Was it a great meal? Healthy? I've had worse meals as far as nutrition goes. But if someone came in and told me I was not allowed to eat when I was hungry they'd have had a fight on their hands. It wasn't full from pizza and I wanted the pasta salad. No big deal.

Please consider getting some counseling so you and your husband can comes to terms with what is expected at your house. Fighting over food and meals only leads to fat children and dead children who starved themselves.

You are teaching your child that food is power and that he can control everyone and everything in his life with it. You're not teaching him good things in this instance.

Please read through the answers again, many of us have said the same things. When a child is "forced" to eat food they don't want or don't like they develop issues with food that will haunt them the rest of their lives.

You set a consequence and need to follow through, unfortunately, your bad for not thinking about what you were saying before you said it. And to fight over food...really?

I think you and your husband need to get on the same page before it gets out of hand. Cereal without milk, I mean come on. Yes you can have a snack, or no you cannot have a snack. My kids know when they are allowed a snack, they can grab a fruit or a vegetable from the refrigerator, OR they can ask for a snack out of the school snack bucket ((peanut butter crackers, fruit snacks, cheese crackers, etc), but those are when they are allowed since they are not the healthier options. This has been a clear rule from the get go.

Also, I don't think I have ever told my kids there will be a consequence without telling them what it would be. Do you think he would have poured the milk if he knew his fun day would be cancelled? Probably not. Maybe if he didn't get TV at bed, but not to lose the day with a friend he hasn't seen all summer.

This is not all your husband's fault. You are both to blame in this and unless you both take accountability and work together, you'll continue to have this nonsense and things will spiral into bigger and bigger fights.

Next time do not take a way an event out of the blue as a consequence. "Surprises" are NEVER effective discipline.

The child must know "IF you do this, THEN this will happen, so make a choice." Not "Oh you did that? Guess what? Surprise! I just thought up a random punishment!" It SEEMS like your child should 'get it' that "something bad will happen if they don't behave" but this is not clear or effective. And consequences doled at the end of long frustrating sequences of vague and irritating problems are hardly ever rational. IMO you should have said, "You know what, I decided we ARE going to the zoo, but the next time you _____here is what will happen."

If you are consistent and in charge most of the time, you don't lose any "power" by changing your mind now and then. I've done it and my kids don't stop taking me seriously for stuff.

You don't have to always stick to your guns especially when you went off half-cocked. Try to get things straightened out with your HUSBAND so you guys can implement effective boundaries.

HUh?

What was unclear? He could have a snack, but with no milk. What was unclear? Then, son went to get milk, and YOU reiterated the rule, informed him of the potential consequence, and he did it anyway.

This isn't husband's fault. You should have chosen a different consequence (that's on you) if you weren't going to follow through. Isn't failure to follow thru part of what you and your husband were just arguing about? Not making kiddo go to bed instead of having a snack right then, and husband gave in?
What am I missing? You and husband, neither one of you, wants to follow through with the rules you try to put into place. No wonder your son ignored your threatened consequence.

If you don't want to punish your friend, you should have chosen something else. I suppose you "could" choose an alternate consequence for your son, but that isn't going to help you in the long run.
Maybe calling your friend to inform her of the mistake you made in dishing out a consequence, and disappointing her (and you) by having to cancel your get-together will be enough to help you remember to think before you speak.

Good luck. I think your son has you both figured out.

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ETA
I actually agree about the power trip thing. No milk is sort of a "just so you know I CAN". The problem is you and husband not liking what you are requiring, so you are wishy washy. You need to have a meeting with your husband, without kiddo present, and figure out what your household rules are, what kind of parenting techniques you are going to use, what the requirements for meal times are, etc.

BECAUSE you don't have that all figure out and aren't on the same page, you are trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat and throwing around humongo threats, in the moment, to try to manipulate your son. I wouldn't have ever said "no outing" for the type of thing he was doing... but then, if I was standing face to face with my 6 yr old, he would never have defied me so blatantly as that, either. THAT is why you have to follow through.
Another idea, is that when you see your kid about to defy you--stop him! What was the point of testing your son like that? You don't. You walk over and take the milk and put it away.

You were caught off guard, and reacted, instead of thinking about how to deal with this. You need to sit with husband and discuss and figure out how to deal with the behaviors you don't want to encourage.
For now, you've made the threat, he is testing you... you have to follow through.
But you really do not want to hand out threats like this in the future over such minor issues.

It helps if you realize that you do not have to tell them the consequence right then. You are ALWAYS free to say, "you won't like the consequence" and decide what it will be later. In fact, sometimes it is even more effective when they DON'T know what they might lose.

You set the consequence - you MUST follow through or everything from this point forward will be - "she'll cave... no biggie"

Too bad You are bailing on your friend. You call her and tell her - i'm sorry, Johnny didn't listen and I told him if he continued there would be no outing tomorrow. He continued.

If I were your friend? I would say - I'm truly sorry that Johnny couldn't follow directions. We'll see what we can do to reschedule.

It was NOT VAGUE... not sure where you are getting that. You and your husband need to learn to communicate and get on the same page. You told him to stop - what would happen if he didn't stop - he continued.

Follow through. If you don't... your son will know you have no boundaries or things can be moved, negotiated and he will never take you seriously again when you threaten something...

Good luck!

Never give a consequence that you won't follow thru with.

Your son is intentionally defiant and you and your husband can't agree on how to handle this kid. This is a making for a disaster. You and husband need to get unified or this kid is going to break your marriage and your home. You two better get your act together, parenting classes would help.

To answer your question. No. You never back down on a consequence. EVER.

now on to the rest of the story...oh dear Lord. You and your family have some serious problems.

You are battling over FOOD? Is your son obese? If not, you're going to give him a complex over food and he'll have an eating disorder before you know it.

You and your husband need help. I see a LOT of red flags in this marriage, lack of communication, battling over food, backing off of consequences. You stated in your SWH that you are troubled by the lack of "togetherness" you and your husband have.

I can tell you from experience, being on the same page is tantamount to the success of your marriage. When Tyler would get deployed, he would be gone for months, the longest deployment was 18 months. When he got home it took time to readjust to the way we had been living without him. Yes, we were able to Skype and talk, but the day-to-day operations of the home were my sole responsibility. There were some tough times on adjustment. Our move 2 years ago after he retirement? Big time change, as our oldest son hit puberty and rebelled at the same time.

I agree with others, if you go back on the consequence, your son will know that he can do what he wants and you will draw a line in the sand and he can cross it. He has also learned from last nights actions, how to divide his parents. Now he can divide and conquer.

I also agree with others, there was nothing vague about "do not put milk in it" and you say it's not his fault? uh. yeah. it. is. He made a decision to cross the line and you stood there.

S.

Sorry but you and your husbands lack of "co-parenting" is making your child anxious and leading to his acting out behavior.

You and your husband are so wrapped up in a power struggle and using your son as a pawn then punishing him for reacting to YOUR problems.

I would say let the kid see his friend so he has some other outlet besides eating to cope.

Please a family counselor today. You and your husband need family and marital counseling. Go even if your husband doesn't. Stop putting this on your son.

Best of luck to you

I'm a bit confused. You say you walked into the kitchen not knowing what happened, but you told your son no milk or there would be a consequence so obviously you did know at least some of what happened. Your SON then CHOSE to get the milk anyway. Then YOU stated that the consequence was not going on the outing. I don't see that your hubby has any fault here. Your son made a choice; you handed out a consequence, I don't see where your hubby was not clear. He clearly told your son cereal with no milk. This is a lesson learned for you, mom. Don't hand out the consequence in the moment because many times you will say something you wishes you hadn't. Just say "there will be a consequence" and then THINK about what that consequence is going to be BEFORE opening your mouth.

I personally think you can explain to a child that age (I'm assuming he's past the toddler age) that you made a mistake.

From my point of view, that is what happened. You chose to hand out an inappropriate consequence. What does a trip to the zoo have to do with eating? It's not a logical consequence. Your husband, IMO, as also wrong. He told him he could have a snack, but was mad about it, and so said no milk. What's that about? If he doesn't think he should have the snack, say no. If he thinks cereal is an appropriate healthy snack, then say yes and don't be mad about it.

My opinion is that you both need to either read a good parenting book or take a parenting class to get on the same page, and to learn how to make clear rules and stick to them. Your pediatrician can make a recommendation on a class/book.

It sounds like you've made your decision, but for future reference, I would NOT set up punishments or have battles around food. This can trigger all kinds of unhealthy anxieties down the road. Children who are on growth spurts are often constantly hungry. An adult's hunger/satiation signals aren't a good guide for what a growing child needs. And, pickles are very salty. If you eat something that's salty and sour, the body sends you a natural signal that now it's time for something that's liquid and mildly sweet. Like: cereal with milk. Finally, cereal without milk is much less healthy than cereal WITH milk, and it doesn't fill a hungry tummy up, so there's no point in even eating it.

In other words, no major, tragic harm done, this one time around, but for future reference, just don't fight/punish when it comes to food. Don't set unnecessary rules. The best thing to do is to make all the food in the house reasonably healthy and let kids figure out, from their own bodies' signals, when they're hungry and when they're full.

I think I understand part of the problem, because I deal with it with one of my boys. He's always hungry yet he never eats during meal time, even though he likes what's being served. It's frustrating, because after going through the whole dinner process and moving on to getting ready for bed- he's hungry! Why is he hungry- because he ate nothing at dinner. I myself usually give in and feed him something but feel like me giving in is not stopping this cycle. It's annoying at times but I've just been allowing it because I don't want him to be hungry...and it's not like he's eating donuts instead of his healthy dinner. I think his timing may just be off for now.

I wouldn't cancel the play date over this at all. I've gone back on my word before and my kids are still good kids.

The sad part is your son probably won't remember what the consequence of not going to the zoo was about anyway. If I am correct he is six right? That is such an extreme consequence I agree. My only theory that i can think of is that if your husband was involved he really didn't want to go to the zoo himself and used that as a way to get out of it. If however he wasn't going, I think (and I usually discourage going against your spouses decision) but I think I would have found another consequence with or without your husband's approval. This consequence affected other people so that was totally unfair to them unless you let people know ahead of time. And one more thing here, your husband is making food entirely too much of an issue. It doesn't sound like it's really about food at all, it's about control. There needs to be immediate consequences. You sound like you know what you are doing in the discipline department, just a little fearful of your husband. You can be specific next time and although you both have the same goals I think you need to sit with your husband while your son is not around and set up some rules so your son isn't dividing the household.