She Can't Sleep Alone!

First off, congratulations! My daughter's b-day is Aug 8, she's 6 now, so great day!! Graciela is only 3 months, so don't feel like you're going to screw up any sleep habits this early on. Do what works, although I don't recommend co-sleeping. I used to fall asleep sitting up with my kids on my shoulder. I know some parents whose kids only slept in the car seat for months ( I did it a few times myself!) As long as you're both getting safe sleep, who cares how it's happening. If you still have to hold her when she starts college, then you've got a problem!!

My first one was the exact same way. I remember having to hold her until she got into her deep, deep sleep which was usually around 1 AM. That's when I could finally lie her in her crib and she wouldn't wake back up. She also had to be held for all of her naps, otherwise they were non-existent. We ended up co-sleeping and that worked the best for us. We finally transitioned her into her own bed and room at the age of 4 and she sleeps perfectly now. So yes it is a phase. They grow up so fast so enjoy her to the fullest extent possible while she is little.

I wish I had a magic solution, but I don't think one exists. I know it is hard (I've been there), but when you look back, you will probably remember those moments fondly. I have a few pieces of advice/suggestions. First, try not to be annoyed when you need to hold her. Anticipate that you will be stuck in one spot for awhile. Do what you can to make yourself comfortable and try not to think that she should be sleeping by herself. Some babies just need the extra attention and unless you let her cry, you're the one to provide it. Try not to think of it as a waste of time--I believe you are nurturing your child, which is never a waste. I found when I changed my outlook, I was more relaxed, and it helped. Expecially if you are breastfeeding, try having someone else respond at night if possible. I didn't do that until around 11 months and it drastically improved my son's sleep. I don't know if it would have worked at 3 months, however. Also, I was so afraid that all of my holding would spoil my son and affect his sleep habits in the future. He was still waking up a bunch, and then all of the sudden, at almost 15 months, he just decided he didn't want to be held to go to sleep. He would point to the crib when I would try to get him to sleep. He plays for awhile in the crib, falls asleep on his own, and now doesn't wake up overnight. But this is 15 months, not 3. I think it proves that you don't need to do cry it out or anything drastic. Babies will grow up in spite of you, not because of you. At least this is my opinion at the moment. All babies are different, so if your friend's 3 month old stays asleep, that doesn't mean that's the only "normal." I think your baby is just as normal. Hope this helps.

My twins were like that. Do whatever helps for now, there are no bad habits, they are too young to learn bad sleep habits. My twins would only nap wrapped up and placed in their car seats. It made me a little nervous at first but I kept an eye on them (peeking in) if they were fussing at all. Usually they would fuss for a couple minutes and then sleep for 1-2 hours (instead of 5 minutes!) Also the sling was good, I only used it every so often, because there were 2 of them! At night they slept in the crib, sometimes they had a tough time going down, patting them without picking them up helped. It does get better. Once they get to be 4-5 months they change. At 5 months, mine learned to sleep on their bellies (they rolled over themselves to that position)and suck their fingers and they had absolutely no problem sleeping. I thought it would be tough to get them out of the car seat, but it wasn't. When they were ready they were ready. And at 5 months I felt OK with letting them cry if they had too, it really wasn't needed too much. Hang in there!

My son, who will be 9 months next week, was the same exact way! He can sleep on his own, but he's a cuddler and he sleeps best if I hold him and nurse him while he sleeps for naps. I used a baby sling from Slinglings.com that always put him to sleep and I was able to carry him around. My son just wasn't a napper, but he does good without much sleep. The thing that worked best for me is a good solid routine. I'm a stay-at-home mom, so my routine is pretty consistent and we are both familiar with each others patterns, which is so important when you have a new person in the family. As a new mom, it takes a while. I never let my son cry it out (even though people said to just let him cry), he cried because he needed me and I was going to be there for him. Just do what you feel comfortable with. I found that since my boy loves to nurse, laying him down with his binky kept him calm. I also bring my son to bed with me when I know he won't fall asleep on his own and I need some sleep. BUT, I try not to do it too frequently so it doesn't become a habit I can't break. So my advice is to take it slow, build a routine, try a binky, oh, and I also would let my son nap with his head propped up on the boppy pillow when he fell asleep nursing (made him feel like someone was still holding him) BUT.... I only do it if he's napping and I'm up and around to monitor him. Good luck...

My son was an august baby too. He would only sleep with us or in his bouncy seat or swing until he was 5 months old. It took me a long time to figure out why but here is what we learned:
1. When he was young he could only sleep in a semi-upright position, which he can achieve in the swing, bouncy or laying on someone. (he used to sleep in bed with us as well, it took me a long time to realize that when he was in bed with us his head was always resting on my arm, or he was propped against me & sleeping on his side. he was never flat on his back).
2. When we finally transitioned him to his crib we learned that the room & his clothes had to be just right. The room had to be between 68 - 70 degrees & he had to be in long pants & a long sleeve shirt (in the winter), shorts & tshirt (in the summer). He did not like his feet covered. He did not like being wrapped in blankets, but does have a knitted blanket & a stuffed animal to cuddle with. We also had to remove the crib bumpers, they blocked the light from his night light & made his crib too dark. We also moved the crib to a different wall in the room. It is now on an interior wall (warmer) and next to the door (as opposed to across from it) so he can't see out into the hall. (We have a screen door instead of a wood door so more heat can get into his room).
3. We had a swing which could go side to side or front to back. He only liked the front to back motion.
Obviously, these things may or may not apply to your daughter; but at least you know you are not the only one with a picky sleeper & maybe it will give you some ideas to try. Oh, one more thing...it turns out my son is a stomach sleeper (once he was able to roll over & sleep on his belly, he started sleeping great). That may be her issue too, in which case, she will be able to roll over in a few months & then you shouldn't have too many issues after that. Good luck.

CIO is the worst thing. You should look on line for slings, (not the babybjorn thing) Look for a real sling and wear your baby, it will untie your hands so you can do something. There is nothing wrong with cosleeping with your child. YOu can also find a world of information at www.mothering.com/discussion/
V.

My son slept with me all the time when he was that little. He still does sometimes if he isn't feeling well or teething etc. It is hard to get things done. My boyfriend and I would take turns napping with him so the other could get things done, usually on weekends. Also I got one of those snuggli things that you can strap the baby to you and have your hands free. Then I could at least do dishes and fold laundry. Just remember they are only little once. Enjoy the snuggle time while your baby is willing to give it to you.

Hi C.,

I know it's hard right now. You probably won't get anything done until your baby is a little older. My son will be 1 next week and I STILL don't get anything done.

Three months out of the womb is still so tiny - she was inside your body longer then she has been outside of your body and this period of adjustment takes time. She still needs to feel safe, secure and warm. The world outside is very big to her right now.
Try using a sling if she won't sleep anywhere but on you. Then she can be close to you but you will have your hands free to move around and do other things. My son LOVED his sling and I was able to get around and do things pretty well while he rested and looked around.

As far as sleeping in bed with you, my son still sleeps in bed with us and I remember sleeping in my parents bed until I was about 5. It was the safest place for me to be when I needed reassurance in the middle of the night. It isn't a crime or a sin to have your baby in bed with you.

Take care and good luck.

H. MacLeod

You have had a lot of advice here. I just want to make sure you know you are not alone. My son was just like this and I wish my daughter was more, I don't get to hold her as much since she wakes when I am there! I SWEAR by the carriers, look at www.kangarookorner.com or the Ergo or Moby wrap, I alternate between these three carriers. It keeps them close and you can do things while they are sleeping. Always remember you can not spoil an infant. They need to know they are safe and there is no reason to Cry It Out. The best advice I ever received was when someone told me to "find a respected doctor who says what you are doing is ok, and go with it" in this case, read Dr. Sears!!! My son is now 2.5, has never cried himself to sleep and puts himself to sleep and sleeps all night long, waking up happy. So they do learn to self-soothe without forcing it before they are ready. He slept with us until he was 11 mo. then on a mattress on our floor until just before he turned 2 and is perfectly happy in his own room and does not WANT to sleep with us anymore! Hope this helps!

Hi, C..

You've received a lot of varied advice already. My suggestion is that you have to do what feels RIGHT for you. I understand your trepidation with cry-it-out sleep training. We don't all have the stomach to listen to a baby crying for even 5 minutes, let alone 15 or 20. It's hard. It's especially hard when your baby is so young. But ... assuming you want her to sleep on her own for naps and overnight, then thinking about sleep training is really important. I read a LOT of books on babies and sleep when my daughter was 2 months old -- because she and I just weren't getting ANY real sleep (I *did* wear her, but she would only take incredibly short catnaps -- and overnight, she would only sleep on top of my chest, not very comfy for mommy!). IN any case, the book I would recommend to you is Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm Connect and Communicate with Your Baby (Tracy Hogg). I borrowed a copy from the library. (In addition to Ferber's most recent edition of his book and a host of others!) This book will discuss the intricacies of infant sleep, the props we accidentally introduce and methods of teaching baby to sleep on her own - gently. My daughter is STUBBORN. While many kids will respond within a 7 day window, my daughter took closer to a MONTH to turn around. That said - we did see immediate improvements, once we understood better how to handle her days and nights, her naps, her nursing, etc...AND she was getting her first 2 teeth at the same time - and teething complicates EVERYTHING. So she has had spells on and off since she was 3 months old where she had trouble sleeping. Almost every time it was because she was teething or sick. (A few times it was just because her whole routine had gotten thrown off with travel and less than understanding relatives who felt she should be able to stay up as late as the rest of us and then just conk out and sleep hard ... not the case for little people, most of the time!) And, I should say, that like ANY method of sleep training, it will be HARD, it will take TIME, you will be EXHAUSTED while you're working on it, and YOU MUST REMAIN CONSISTENT for all naps, for every night - no matter who is in charge.

Good luck to you, C.. I hope you find the method that suits you, that feels gentle and safe to you and that is effective for you.

ETA: I think Melissa there has it pegged! Babies WILL grow up, regardless of how we try to help them do it. And every baby has her own timeframe.

Hi C.,

Here is my experience, for what its worth:

From birth to 5mos. my daughter took every nap in her Moby wrap (a kind of sling), either on me, my husband, or MIL. She would absolutely not stay asleep in her crib. At night, she slept with us, laying right beside me. (Which was really convenient for nursing.)

At the end of her 4th month, we transitioned her to her crib at night, and slowly into her crib for her naps. At that point, we had a few nights of CIO, but she quickly adapted. She is now 18 mos. and sleeps like a pro, to bed at 7:30p awake at 7:30a, 3 hour naps during the day.

So, I would say, continue what you're doing - ENJOY IT - it won't last forever, and just be ready to transition her when she's a little older. I worried I would "ruin her" for sleeping, but I don't think that's the case. You can always re-train them when they are older.

I recommend the book "Healthy Sleep Habits. Happy Baby." In it, the doctor discusses the baby brain, and the fact that it is different for sleeping than adults. This changes around the 4th month, when the baby's brain is more like an adult and can go into heavy sleep more quickly. This was the only book I read, and found it very helpful.

Good Luck -- don't worry about it, enjoy your baby, because soon, she will be to big even to rock, and won't be able to get comfortable on you anymore!

I highly recommend reading The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. It offers some great suggestions for teaching babies how to sleep on their own. One of the suggestions is introducing a lovey. We recently did that with our 5 month old daughter and it has helped tremendously. Both dh and I wore the lovey in our clothes before we gave it to her (it's just a small sheep) so that it had our scent on it. Now when she goes to sleep, she likes to have it right by her face. Granted she's not perfect about going to sleep on her own, but it has helped a lot. Good luck!

Shes.

Since your child is still little, purchase a baby carrier for your tummy. Strap her in and get the work done. I did this with both kids. They took nice long naps and loved the body warmth and I got everything done. Good Luck!
ER

Well, if you're not interested in "cry it out" (and I agree she's just too little for that anyway!) looks like you've gotta lay with her, hold her, etc.
I used to play a CD in my son's room on "continuous play" and he liked that. Good luck.

I'm going to be the oucast here and talk about "cry it out". It's not leave-your-baby-to-scream-her-head-off-forever treatment! It's about your baby learning to fall asleep by herself under real conditions. 3 months sounds early, but she's clearly figured out what she likes and doesn't like when it comes to falling asleep, so it's not too early to start. I borrowed the Ferber book from a friend when my 2.5 year old went through a won't-go-to-bed phase and it really helped. Just learning about *how* we sleep and how we rouse during the night was insightful.

Small example: you fall asleep with a pillow every night. You rouse in the night to find it gone, you probably grope around for it and when you don't find it you wake up and start looking just to find that someone has hidden it. You're probably not very happy about it. Every night this happens - you wake up without your pillow that you fell asleep with - eventually you aren't going to go to sleep because you KNOW someone is going to take your pillow away!

That's what is happening here. She rouses and finds your gone (her pillow) and cries to get you back; and it works, so she continues it every time you try to break the cycle. The truth is we all rouse in the night, it's an instinct we have to check our surrounding and make sure things are still OK. You need to teach her how to fall back asleep after these rousals in real conditions - a darkened room without you in it (probably a quiet room too).

Yes, put her to bed tired but awake - and leave the room. She cries for 5 mintues and you go back in - don't pick her up, but comfort her for a min or two. Leave again and let her cry for 10 min - go back in, then leave for 15. Stay at 15 min until she falls asleep for good. It's tough to do and the first night will SUCK so I suggest starting on a weekend. The next night start with 10, 15, then 20 min intervals - I'm telling you it won't last more than 3 or 4 nights and less and less returns every night.

Don't trade one bad habit for another. Don't trade holding her for rubbing her back until she falls asleep unless you want to get up several times and go back to rubbing!

It works, it's safe, it's hard but she's fine; I promise. The book is "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems".

Good luck, sorry this was long, but it's worth it!

J.

First of all I am so very sorry to hear about your friends baby who dies. That is so very sad! If you are not interested in the crying out method(I also feel that 5 months is too young for that), I would just sleep with your baby. I co slept for as long as my daughter would let me. Sometimes, she would sleep in her crib, and others with me. I miss it terriably!

Hi C.,

Your baby can sleep alone. Allow her to or you will have more issues to deal with.

Seek ways to help you allow her to sleep alone. What are your needs that you can not bear for her to sleep alone?

Good luck. D.

Well when i was a first time mom i also put my daughter to sleep in my arms while rocking or singing to her. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! I would never change anything i did, remember your baby will grow up and eventually not need to be held or want to be, so enjoy every second of it. But in the meantime if you would like to try something to get her to sleep on her own, you could try laying her down as soon as she is done her bottle, make sure he mobile or a nursery song is playing when you lay her down. I understand you don't want her to cry it out but as she gets older you are going to have a harder time getting her to go to sleep on her own because you have never let her soothe herself. Crying for 5 minutes will not hurt her!!! But your child so obviously totally up to you!! Just a suggestion, after 3 kids i have learned some things LOL!! well good luck

Do you have a baby sling or a hug a bub? Why not let her sleep in that while you get things done around the house? Another thing that might work is a baby hammock. you can get them with clamps that fit on framed doors and just hang the hammock near where you are working she may feel more secure if she can hear you close by. She can sleep in that all through the night as well.

Souds like you may have a "high-needs" baby! My son was/is the same way. It has gotten better with age though, so hang in there!

In the mean time, I HIGHLY suggest you reading some books by Dr. William Sears. I would start w/ either "Attachment Parenting" or "The Fussy Baby Book". You can also look on www.AskDrSear.com for some info on co-sleeping. I'm sure that it will save your sanity & make your daughter feel much more secure. And what safer place could a baby possibly sleep than in the arms of her loving mother? :-)

Also, at the risk of "plugging", if you don't have a baby sling yet, I am offering 10% off right now on my site, www.ThingaMaSling.com by entering coupon code "HH08". If I didn't already love my slings, I absolutely swear by them now! I litterally had them stashed all over the house when my son was an infant! He's now almost 16 mos old, but we still use them every single day!

Hang in there! It really will fly by faster than you know!
A.

C. L Maybe you should try a full sized crib instead of the pack and play. It might be too small for her. when you do put her down and she starts fussing have you tried to just pat her on her little bumb to see if she goes back to sleep? Maybe she just needs to make sure you are still with her and will go back out for you. So sorry to her about your friends baby. Good luck to you be patient

Hi C., Have you tried letting Dad put her to bed? My girls were the same way with me, but then I went back to work and Daddy took over the bedtime scene and "poof" there were no problems. He could put them in their cribs wide awake and within a few minutes they would be fast asleep! Take yourself out of the bedroom and let Dad give it a try for a few nights with his own system. The best gift you can give your child is independant sleep...it is the gift of a lifetime! Best wishes!