Serparation Anxiety

As to the tantrums. I don't know if it is good or bad, but what we did with our son was ignore it. I think he only tried it two or three times. He fell to the kitchen floor, screamed, flailed his arms and legs, writhing and screaming. My husband and I stood over him, looked down on him and determined he was okay and in no danger of hurting himself (all the while, my little guy was very aware of us being there) it was kind of comical and my husband said "that's the silliest thing I've seen" and then we told him we would be in the other room when he decided to join us and we walked away. He carried on for a few minutes, then followed us into our room and tried it again. We did the same thing and went into the den. He gave up. I think this only happened once or twice more (long time ago) but we did not have an ongoing tantrum problem. Don't know if this will psychologically scar him for life, but it did put an end to the tantrums. I now have a 2-1/2 year old grand-daughter that tried a tantrum here. I got down on the floor with her and looked her in the eyes and told her that this doesn't work at Grandma's house and I left the room. She stopped and hasn't done it here again. I am no child psychologist, but ignoring the behavior has worked for me 2 out of 2. Good luck!

Our 19-month old has bad sep anx, too. It has helped to let him spend time with his granny, spend the hour in the church nursery and spend an hour or so at the YMCA nursery. Sometimes he cries and I have to go get him or sit with him, but each time he seems more sure of the situation - I reassure him that I'll be back soon, I love him, and that he'll be ok. Good luck introducing short periods of separation more often to get her used to it.

My son is the same way--he gets upset even when I just go to the bathroom (he is 18 months old). What I find helpful is I will put him in his room (where there is a baby gate and he can't get out and get into things) and tell him I will be back in a minute and I leave toys or other interesting things there. He will cry and whine for a few minutes but then suddenly I hear silence and I come back and he has busied himself doing something like unpacking his diaper bag! Distraction seems to go a long way and then they learn to entertain themselves.

K.,

As for the "have to be held" part, ask her to wait a minute before you give her a hug. Then make it a little longer. If she whines and cries, tell her that she won't get a hug until she stops crying, then give her a hug when she calms down. This worked for both my kids.
For the "Doesn't want you out of site" play hide and seek. Hide behind the couch or under a blanket. Once she is comfortable with you hiding for a few seconds, make it a little longer (like 30 seconds to 1 Minute). After a while, she'll get comfortable having you out her sight for a bit. You can also try using a sitter and you be on the other end of the house for about 30 minutes. Work up to be out of her sight longer and she'll be fine.

Hi K.,
To get over the 'have to be held', try faking an injury. My daughter gets this way. I finally tell her that my back is hurting (I had a real back injury last year), and that I can't pick her up, but she can hold my leg or hand.

For the leaving her sight: this is a bit harder. Start small, when you go to the bathroom, leave the door open a bit and have her sit outside; when in the same room with her, sit across the room from her if possible. When you have to go some where, have her help you get your things together. Just before you leave, have her eating a snack so that she's distracted. Start with short tips; upstairs to get something; out to the mailbox and back. This will help her see that when she is staying with someone else that she is okay.
Does she have playgroups? I would try to get together with friends or do a 'mom's day out' type thing. Usually they only cry for a few minutes and then they are fine.
Good luck
M.

K.,
Your story sounds like me several years ago. I am also a SAHM and my girls are now 7 & 5 (I have also added a little boy to the mix - he is now 16 mos).

Anyway, my now 7 year old would not let me out of her site! She stay with anyone other than my husband & myself or my parents until she was 3 1/2 and she would scream when I left no matter who it was that was staying with her. (When I consulted with a Child Psychologist, her 1st question was how long have Daddy & I been separated - I was shocked and told her that Daddy & I were happily married & living under the same roof!)

What worked for us was time and patience and gradually increasing the space & time apart. To get thru the "clingy" stage, I just reminded myself that this phase would not last forever and one day she would not even want me to hold her hand or be in the same room! I tried to enjoy the closeness and carve out some "Mommy" time whenever I could to keep my sanity (usually after bedtime). I also would stop and say a little prayer for strength & serenity whenever I felt that my patience had reached it's limit. She is now a bright 7-year-old, 1st grader who still loves to snuggle and be with Mommy, but also likes her "alone" time in her room or play-dates and sleepovers with friends.

As for the tantrums, once you make sure she is OK, safe and can not hurt herself, leave her be! I know it is hard, but the tantrums are usually a cry for attention. Children who are as clingy as my daughter was crave attention of any kind - it does not matter if it is positive, snugly & loving or corrective and disciplinary, they have your attention and that is all that matters. It will end, but you need to be strong and patient with her until she becomes more independent.

Hang in there!
~ B.

Ok well first you need to ignore it. Don't give in to it, you know she doesn't need it and if you give in to it you are telling her with out talking that she does need it. If she didn't need it would you give it to her. They only times you pick her up is if you normally would like maybe if your going into a store and it's cold and you want to get there quicker. Not when she wants it but when you need it. That is also the way to break the tantrums. Don't respond to them. Ignore them completely. Totally work around them, act like they are not happening.