Seeking Sibling Advice

I know this will not seem like a solution...but give her time to adjust. I remember seeing a report that said a new baby is like your husband saying that you have so much love you are getting another wife added. YOU would NOT like that. She will eventually adjust. She was the queen bee for 4 years...it will be hard to give up the limelight. I say giving her extra TIME will be good. Time to do just Mommy and me things...time alone with YOU she doesn't have to share...things are nice...but what she REALLY wants is YOU. I know it is hard to believe but it WILL get easier. My son would do things out of my reach while I nursed. So I can totally feel your pain! TRY, TRY to be calm (I KNOW that is the harderst part!!) when you are redirecting her. I would get my son involved...asking him to get a diaper or throw a diaper away and compliment him on being a GREAT BIG Brother. Good luck!

My girls are 4 years, three months apart, and I remember it very well. First of all, do NOT call the baby the "NEW" baby. It implies that she is now the "OLD" baby, and in her experience most old things get thrown away, or given to other people.. Am I right? She may think she is no longer as good as a "new" child and her anxiety is making her act out..

OK .. that said, let me tell you that 4 year olds are difficult people to live with... little sibling or not. I remember reading a book "Your 4 Year old; Friend or Foe" How true that is... They are on the brink of a HUGE developmental change. The difference between a four year old and a five year old is amazing. It will boggle your mind. So expect some regression, ( my daughter wanted to nurse, sit in the high chair, go back to a crib and wear diapers. But that's another topic LOL )..

To reduce her stress, try as hard as you can to keep things the way they were for her before her brother was born. Make her life feel secure with the routines she was used to. If you can, let someone else (husband, mom, etc) deal with the baby, while you bathe, read to, do bedtime, etc.. what ever you USED to do with her.

When you are with the baby, try to make sure that it is a special time for your daughter too. I used to have "story time" while I nursed her sister.. I made it clear that this was HER baby too, and I needed her help to make the baby feel like part of the family.. I'd ask her for her opinions. When visitors came to the house I told them before hand that their first question should not be about the baby, but about the Big Sister.

Tell dad to stop the gifts, keep the old routine, and make her feel special and proud with attention and praise. It's only been a week... give her a chance to adjust to her new life.. It is a crisis for her, and you have to be patient.

I have a 6 year old son and he did the same thing with his little brother. I still go through "you love CJ more than me" rant and rave. I have to keep telling him, "your my first baby and Cj is my second...and I love you both!" It is a hrad road to travel, but just include her as much as you can. The diaper changes, feedings, bath time. But continue to have "special" days with just her. Mommy and me time. Daddy is different, but she will want to "feel" loved by you. Your daughter is not sure how she will feel about her new borther and the temper tantrums is how a 4 year old expresses her anxiety. Reassure, try getting books that talk about a new sibling coming. There are many great books that prepare a young child to "get ready" to be a big sister! A new brother is exciting and read books to prove that. Gifts don't replace love. STOP BUYING EXPENSIVE GIFTS DAD!!!!
It's rough and I can't tell you it will end. But the best advice is to include her as much as possible and start reading bedtime books about being a big Sister.
Good Luck and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

the only thing i can tell you other then things will get easier in time....is that in the past i've noticed (through friends) that when a new baby comes into the picture (like another mom had said) don't refer to him as the NEW baby...just as the baby, and when you talk to her about him, refer to him as YOUR baby brother...the more they see that the baby is also THEIRS, even though just a brother or sister, the more they realize that they're STILL apart of the picture. make her involved with as much as you can when it comes to the baby. i know she's very young, but let her feed him, whether she sits on the couch and you put the baby in her arms, or you have her sit on your lap with the baby in her arms...but if you want to test how good she'll be before you do this, tell her you want her to help you feed HER baby brother, but you want her to show you how she will do it with a doll of hers. and have her help out with other things, like changing the diapers....have her hand you the wipes, and the clean diaper, and if she'll go for it, have her throw out the dirty diaper. you can even have her pick out outfits for the baby (if you're not crazy about her picking out the outfits from the drawers, lay out a couple of outfits for her to pick from). you can even ask her to pick out a book she likes to share with the baby so you can read to both of them. just try to get her as involved as possible...just remember, in a few years it will be her wanting to be on her own and do her own thing and the more time she gets to help out with the baby now, it may be easier for you later when the baby is all over the place. good luck, i hope things work out well, and quickly.

Hi M.,
I just came across your request. I can identify with you. I have a 3 yr. old and an 18mo. old., both girls. When I was expecting my second child I didn't know what to expect when it came to how my first child would feel or how she would react. I tried to prepare as much as possible by reading up on it, but you can never prepare for something like this. Each child has it's own personality and they all respond to this issue differently. Here is what worked for me. Right off the bat I let my child know that we were having a baby, not just mommy. I let her get involved right form the beginning. That is really important, let her help you with everything, from handing you diapers to help giving the baby a bath. She will love getting involved and feel that the baby is hers also. Keep in mind that she is reacting in a very normal way and many kids go through the same feelings. You were all hers for 4 long years and now mommy is dividing her attention. You could also try leaving the baby on the floor and asking your oldest to watch her for a second. Of course keep your eyes on them at all times but with out her knowing it. After a few times you should see her responding to the baby differently, she will feel really important that she is mommy's big helper. Try to squeeze in time each day with just your oldest by doing things together with out the baby present, like when she/he is down for a nap. Buying her gifts is just a temporary fix, and might end up having negative repercussions, like making her more spoiled. She might actually act out more because she thinks she get rewarded for it. That is just my opinion of course. But that helped me a lot, getting her involved as much as possible, don't be afraid to let her touch the baby, a common reaction is to say something like "no, honey leave her alone or don't touch her face" try saying something like "you can touch her foot, or she likes it when you hold her hand" Remember She is extra sensitive right now and is only acting out because she doesn't know what to do with all her little feelings. Don't reward bad behavior, and praise her every time she does something good, rather it is with the baby or not. Your goal will be to catch her doing something good and scooping her up and telling her she is a good girl. The more you praise the positive behavior the less she will feel she has to act up. As much as possible just ignore it when she throws her tandrum. She will do it more when she knows it gets your attention. Let her sceam until she is blue in the face with out it fazing you a bit. When she relizes she get's no eaction from you or dad she will stop. This is hard for mommy at first, because naturally you want to calm her down, but trust me it will help but a stop to her tandrums if you are consistant with ignoring them and not saying anything until she has calmed down. Remember she will get worse before she gets better at first, but you will see positive results in less than a week if you stick to it.
I hope this was helpful,
Good luck and enjoy that little baby, they grow up way too fast.
Renee

Hello M.,

I feel for you, My husband and I have just gone down that road. I have a 3 year old daugter and just had another baby girl in February. My daughter was excited that a new baby was comming and when she was here my 3 year old turned into another child. We had the same problems with her, The shouting in front of the baby to wake her, climbing in her crib, yelling, throwing things and anything else you can think of. We gave my 3 year old all of the attention and then some. We thougt that this would never pass. But believe me it will, it will take some time but it will pass. The baby is now 4 months and tings have quieted down. We still have to keep a sharp eye out and we never leave the baby unattended with just my 3 year old. But it will pass, trust me and good luck.

A. D

Hi M.,

When I was having my second child. Sarah (my first) and I went shopping and I had her pick out a few things for the baby as a gift to give the baby when he/she is born. I also made sure that I had a gift at the hospital for her when she came to the hospital from the baby. She gave him her gift, and she was so excited when he had a gift for her. I did the same when I had my third. Also if there's anyway that just you and her can have a special Mommy & Me day where you can go out for a couple of hours either to the movies and lunch or get your nails done and lunch. She might just open up to you and start talking to you about whats bugging her. You can explain to her that even though she's not the baby (youngest) that she the big sister but she'll always be your & your husbands baby no matter how big she gets. Good luck. Congradulations! :o)

No offense but your reinforcing the bad behavior by giving in. She throws a tantrum so you buy her a bike. She yells and screams so you hug her and hold her. Your giving negative behavior positive reinforcement. When she acts up like this put her in time-out. Make her go to her room. Walk away and ignore her, and tell her that until she can talk like a big girl you won't talk to her. If you teach her that only good behavior gets her attention she'll stop acting out. Giving her things to make her feel special isn't the answer. It's just teaching her that I can act however I want and I still get my way.