Seeking Help with a Uncooperative Ex

I went thru the same thing, ended up with a broken nose. I got a restraining order against him. I do have a question tho, where is the new husband when all this is going on? Cant he use the phone to call for help? You need more than counseling hon, get some legal help as in the police department.

I have had an unbelievable experience with my ex- If I told you how I was treated it would make your hair stand up...I was abused in the marriage...we have a daughter together..he left for another woman...when our daughter was 5 and it did not work out for him......we fought all through the divorce...he finally moved back home (in another state).....and I have remarried, but still at times we would argued..so I changed my thinking and my energy....I think positive and expect positive( The Secret & Notes From The Universe-books are great)...Your energy is from your experience from the past and it is a cycle and what I call a crazy 8..it keeps going like the number 8 never ends when you trace it and cycle never ends...(if this makes sense)......first if you change your thoughts to positive and feel positive and expect a good relationship.....it can only happen..too you have to forgive what he did in the past and let go of it...these things come from prayer and meditation..and the results I have gotten are greatly improved.......if you need more I can talk to you too ..Good luck and prayers.....L.

I don't have the same problem, but my ex and I do tend to fight about everything. He likes to fly off the handle. He's immature and selfish, a great combination. I just flat out do not speak to him anymore. Luckily for me, he is not around right now to see our son, and won't be for several more years because he's in the military.

But basically, since we can't talk without fighting, I quit talking to him. I'd simply tell him, the only thing we have to talk about is the child, and if its not about that, I'm not discussing it with you, its not good for our son. Period. And DO NOT go into any further discussions.

You have to take some control, he only bullies you because you let him. I know you don't MEAN to let him, but a bully can only bully someone who lets them. You have to stand up for yourself (with anyone, not just him) and be strong. Find that person you were before you had someone tear you down.
I would, however, keep records of emails, conversations, etc. in case you ever have any problems.

you could be writing my story. for years i really listened to my ex's rantings and ravings, went through periods where he didn't see the kids at all, then periods where he insisted they go to his house on all regularly scheduled visits, no matter what was going on in their lives. he has reported me to dept of human services for neglect, marietta city police department for 'wellness checks', and everything else you can think of. in the past we've been in screaming matches on the phone, and my current husband has chased him down the street, literally ready to beat the crap out of him. fast forward 8 years later. this is what i've learned 'on the job'

1. pray for him, for his heart to change, for his life to be less miserable, and for him to find Jesus, or become closer to him.

2. emotionally remove yourself from his words. if you have a parenting plan, see if you can get email communication only. written words still sting...but you can click off of them

3. keep track of EVERYTHING!! record and journal his activity and interaction wtih you and your son every day. hotheads love to try to accuse you of things. especially when you quit giving their abusive words power in your life.

4. don't say bad things about your spouse to your little boy, even if he comes home with some real gems that dad and the new woman have said about you. when those do come out, just tell your little boy that you will pray for dad to be happier so he doesn't use such naughty words.

5. my kids are now 13 and almost10. they have survived and thrived. stand your ground, be the best mom you can to him, and take NO threats of 'taking your son away' if they come. it is extremely difficult to have child custody changed in a family court system. judges are there for the children, and nothing is more devastating to a child than having their home lives disrupted and/or removed. it just won't happen unless a mom is truly abusive or neglectful. (neglectful does not mean a dirty shirt one day, or a forgotten dose of medicine, which were the basis of the charges brought against me. despite all his attempts, my ex has been threatened by most agencies with arrest if he attempts these feeble accusations again with no basis whatsoever)

hope this helps. hang in there. remember...

PRAY

REMOVE

two powerful words.

lots of luck..my heart goes out to you

C.

I have a 4 year old daughter with a man whos...well an ass to put it nicely..... anyway he lives in Lexington and im in Louisville so that helps. but any way we met when he was in a half way house here in Louisville long story short we dated i got pregnant he moved to Lexington to live with his sister and met "her". (thank god) we have been to many court hearings and thing about visitation which he was denied b/c hes a drug addict and very abusive. and i can ell you if your ex was mean to you it probably wont change too much in the way he treats your child. my advice is go for sole custody. I know a great lawyer if you need one who specializes in family court let me know if you need any thing or just want to talk!

Hi J.,
I have a very similar situation as you and I too got remarried almost 4 years ago. My ex is very much like yours and you probably dealt with very similar behaviors from him when you were married. I have 2 children with my ex and he tried to make my life very miserable. He would follow me around and show up in places where he wasn't welcomed. What all of this comes down to is how much control you give him in your life NOW. You are no longer married to him and you should limit your dealing with him to things that directly involve your children. Depending on your agreement as far as parenting, there are only some things that you have to discuss with him. Don't allow him to involve himself into your new life. Limit him. When you deal with him, leave your emotions at the door. Deal with him in a business like manner. I have learned that writing to him is best, unless of course it is an emergency. If he insists, like mine, to continue trying to speak with you, listen to him and tell him you'll let him know, then write him. His ultimate goal right now is to destroy your new marriage. He wants control. DO NOT ALLOW HIM THAT. You are married to a Christian man and he is trying to destroy your happiness. He wants you to feel like all you have is him, regardless of your relationship with him. It will not be easy, but eventually he will get the idea that he no longer controls you, and will begin to let go. When he does, he will begin to focus the control on his newest partner, if he hasn't already. Through all of this just remember that you have a wonderful new life and husband and you cannot let him take that away from you. PRAY.PRAY. PRAY. God will always be there to guide you, rely on your husband. Talk to him. Listen to his ideas and feelings. You are going to have to show your ex that the 2 of you are a united front. Work together. There may be times when your husband can intercede for you. This may help to direct your ex in another direction over you. Good Luck. I've been there and it will get better. You and your family will be in my prayers.

J., with recurring problematic communication, I encourage one of two solutions. The first, cooperative parenting, requires both parents to attend classes but I have yet to find anyone who has completed the program and not had a positive experience - even if just you attend it will help. The other is parenting coordination - a word of caution that you must have a good coordinator, speak with your attorney about recommendations on who would be a good fit for you and your ex. The only other suggestion I have is stop the oral communication for a while and just discuss parenting issues via e-mail. Most issues are not of an emergency nature, so e-mail is just fine. I can never explain why the cheating spouse seems to always be the angry one, but he seems to fit that pattern. Most likely in looking back, he's always been angry about one thing or another - do research on the narcissistic personality - you will learn a great deal, gain insight, and learn how to subtly change the contact. Always keep him in your prayers - hopefully God can open his heart and eyes. Best of luck of to you.

J.,

I can feel your pain in many ways. I have two sons that are now teenagers that have felt the rif of a very painful seperation and divorce between two parents that could not seem to come to terms with each other. They at the time were very young, ages 2 and 3. It was miserable and I was even stalked by this man for a very long time. I had to get a restraining order against him because he threatened me as well as threatened to take my kids and run with them. He was a vicious, hot headed, mean spirited, broken individual who also had an alcohol problem. The alchol only started after we started having so many problems. The bottle looked better than I did at that time. The restraining order did help, and I made sure that it was enforced at any length. I also had to make a drop off point for my children to have visitation with him at the police department where there was either a policeman present or a mutual person that was agreed upon to take the kids to drop them off and pick them up. Is it easy to do this? NO. Is it in the best interest of everyone involved? Yes. Did my kids understand? Of course not. But he also bullied and did all of these things and that was just how he felt he was still in control. But let me if I may give you just an ounce of advice from someone who this man beat, tried to kill, raped, and all the things you can imagine, Do not ever deny your child the right to see his father because of the things going on between the two of you. When my kids became teens (and I am only 39 years old) on visitation one Saturday my son called me frantic and wanted me to come to their fathers home to come pick them up so I flew like a bat out of nowhere not knowing the extent of what was going on. He has a live in girlfriend that the boys could not get along with and they had an argument with her she told the boys to get out, their dad was laid up in the bed somewhere passed out from drinking. I went to the door with my son and told him that I was taking the kids home with me and to call me the next day when he was able to talk and we would discuss what happened and what to do from here. He grabbed my son and I by the neck with his hands and was strangling us both. I tried to get away as I seen my sons face turning purple and his oxygen leaving his body. Luckily my new husband was in the car and seen what was going on and ran to the door and saved both of our lives. The cops came and he was taken to jail. He admitted that he was trying to kill us both and did not care. Well to make a long story short my son had to testify against his father and he was not allowed to see them for a long time. About a year went by of him not seeing them and I got word that he was turning his life around and wanted to see the kids. I was skeptical and so were the boys. I at that time had given my life back to the Lord and was a Christian and had forgiven him for what happened. I still was scared and reluctant, yet I did not give into the restraining order. Call me selfish if you may but I did not want to put my kids in danger again. My son had been calling his dad without me knowing it and you know I thank GOD for that as I sit here right now telling you this story that I do not freely tell many, and I know alot of people will now see. The Lord knew to prompt these phone calls because he knew that something more was going to happen in a short period of time. As I still sit and cry today (even as I write to you)my boys now suffer even more because last August their father passed away at work from heat exhaustion. I was not willing to give him another chance and I blame myself now for my kids not having that bond they could of had with him. He had told my son on their talks that he had stopped drinking and had been clean for almost 3 months. The toxocology screen when they did the autopsy proved that because there was not one trace in his body. I say all of this only for you to see that no matter what the circumstance is don't deny your kids. Keep them safe at all times - yes absolutely. Even if it means to have supervised visits. If you need to get a restraining order against him then do so. They do work if you let them work. It does not matter what type of job he has or who he thinks he is the Law will work if we let it work. We just have to make sure that it is enforced for our safety and our kids. I wish you the best of luck and hope that a piece of what I have said to you has helped in some way. IF not then I hope that someone else can give you more of what you are looking for. God bless you and your family and we pray that you will find peace with this ex and your child can have a happy mommy and daddy even though they are in seperate situations.

Blessings to you,
D. A.

I have an absolutely ridiculous ex as well. I try to avoid contact with him as much as possible. Email seems to work best for us, but even then he takes everything to his attorney, which just costs me money, time, and a huge amount of anxiety. There is a book called "Coparenting with a Jerk," which I have heard is really great. I try to stay focused on the positive parts of my life, with my new husband and child, but my former husband is determined to try to get revenge b/c I divorced him. Control just seems to be his only means to getting back at me. He tries to control everything from taking the kids to the doctor to their school breaks, homework, everything. It's so ridiculous. So, I don't have any real advice except that you're not alone. And I think it just hurts the kids who get caught in between the most.

Um. You didn't give much insight as to how he is being uncooperative. It doesn't sound like it is physical, though, more just like he is imposing. You spent your marriage under his thumb, and its hard to break that habit. If he bullies you, my solution would be... just don't let him. Stand your ground. You have a new husband and a new life now. Make it a good one and don't allow him to interfere. Good luck!

Oh my gosh. Yes I was married to one just like you had. And yes he still tries to pull my strings. And I am married to a wonderful wonderful man now and would love to let go of the anger but everytime I do, something appears. This man ruined my life, manipulated me, abused me and then hid all of our money from me and covered his paper trials really well. In other words I got screwed. Now at 47 having to start over after he sabataged my education. Life is hard now but not as hard as it was living with an antisocial personality disorder with narcistic characteristics. I have always said that my X would have been a good cop. He had that "cop" attitude. If your husband works in the police force and he has done you like he has, I can just imagine what you are dealing with. They are cops because they are hot headed and like that control and attention and the "bowing down to them".
What worked for me is that I finally just told him he could drop the child support and the alimoney IF he left me alone and never messed with me again and would just stay out of our lives and leave my child alone. I made him sign the paper stating that in court. Well he didn't leave me alone. I was in nursing school and he paid people to follow me to see where I lived and to play chicken with me on the road where they would come at me head on... and when there was no shoulder to get off on. Sometimes I would just let go of the steering wheel, cover my face, and pray that I made it out alive for my son's sake. I spent more time with my head in the comode throwing up than I did in my books studying. Well, I flunked that semester and was devestated. I had no idea what I would do to support myself and raise my child and I knew that it would never stop because he was mad because I took his control away from him when I left him (even though he had someone else). He has to put someone else down to make himself feel good and by demeaning me and harrassing me and making me flunk out of school, that sufficed for him in a way that he knew that I would not succeed in life and I don't know if that was revenge or he wanted me to come crawling back but I would have lived under a bridge before I would have gone back to live with that abuse.
Finally, I have to move out of state to get away from all of that. I stayed upset and scared and looked over my shoulder at all times. I never had peace or rest so the man that I met when I was in school, (who was a nurse also) loved me enough to move me one state over and then we married there. My life was in such wonderful peace for a while. The only problem is that my son was 13 when we moved there and when he was 15, he had never made friends and was getting more depressed by the hour so we moved back to the same house that I lived in after the divorce. I had tried to sell it but heard that he paid the realestate agent to NOT sell it. I assume to run me into the ground financially. I am sure that he didn't want me back here. Anyway, I am so poor now due to my X but yet my new hubby does what he can and never complains. He just loves me and I don't have to be on that roller coaster anymore. However, I do have to listen to my sons talk about all the trips their dad takes and all the cars that he buys and all the money that he spends on his step kids and wife now.... with all the money that I worked my butt off for 15 yrs that he hid from me in the divorce. I am now 47 with no retirement (thanks to my x) no education and can only make $7/hr (thanks to my x). I am working a factory job midnight shift trying to stay alive and support my children from that former marriage to the devil, and it is killing me. I am doing a job that a 25 yr old young man should do and when I question the jobs that the older women my age have, I have been told that they started where I started and they had to climb up the ladder too but they have 20 years on me. So I will be 67 before I will be able to get a decent job but seriously I will be dead from this one long before. Life is a bitch to some of us and it seems god helps and looks out for the ones that are evil. But with all that said, I have a wonderful man, even though I stay stressed all of the time, we have a baby together who is as precious as she can be and I am getting a second chance at mother hood because I wasn't a good mother to the other 3 becuase my X kept me so upset and nervous all the time. I am still left with no confidence or self esteem from all the abuse and control and demeaning that I had to endure during that time, but at least I am alive and I have a good man that holds me everynight and tells me that it will all work out and things will be fine.
So if you ask what did I do? I moved. And in 2 yrs when my youngest son graduates, I will move again, this time further away. That is the only peace that I have had since my divorce and I miss it so badly.
If you ever want to talk, feel free to write me at:
____@____.com
M.

I have also experienced this. I am sorry that you are having to now.
What I am about to suggest may sound hard to do, but it does get easier.
When he is ranting, try to stay cool. Say things like "I'm sorry your having such a bad day" or if you disagree with something he suggests in re your child. "I'm sorry, but that is not in the agreement" OR "Well, I don't think that will work because......" All said with a smile on your face.
This accomplishes 2 things. 1- He is TRYING to get you pissed. Don't give him what he wants. and 2- You save yourself an ulcer.
I am sure that everything in regard to the child you share is down in writing per your divorce decree. Why argue over it? This man is now someone else's problem, not yours.
The reason he tries to control you and yells at you is because he regrets the decisions HE MADE. Too bad, so sad, not your problem, don't buy into it.
Enjoy your now peaceful life.

Don't fight back. The best you can do is to keep your cool and refuse to speak to him unless he's respectful. Don't let him get you down; you are allowing yourself to be bullied. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you just refuse contact with him unless he's civil, then he'll learn. Either that or he can talk to your lawyer.

There are better ways of communicating with an ex. Email gives you proof of any possible harrassment. A notebook, exchanged when your son goes back and forth, will enable you two to communicate without speaking as well. And once again, the paper trail.

You have to remember that the best thing you can do for your son is for you two to get along. It really has to be a conscious effort by the two of you, though.

So- maintain your boundaries of how you will be treated. But also remember that it's probably not easy for him, either. Good luck!

I also have an uncooperative ex. Get a LAWYER. She or he should do the fighting for you. Check for a children's law center.They may or may not be able to help you but at least advise you on a good lawyer. My lawyer has been a God send with my ex bullying me as much as he has. Make sure that the terms of child custody are spelled out to the last minute of the last hour. Since your son is three, it will change when he goes to school. Look for other agreements on the web that may be similar to your situation. Since he left you for another woman, the court more than likely will be simpathetic to you. Your lawyer should be able to tell you all that. If they can't, find another lawyer. Get the ex to pay for it, put that in the agreement if you can! Good Luck!

Hi J. -

I have an ex and I could go on and on about what a jerk he is. I've been separated/divorced from him for almost 6 years now, and I STILL have issues.

If you want more specific advice, or to hear more about my personal experience, please email me directly: ____@____.com - I'd love to chat!!

I don't know your whole story, so I don't know what specific advice you are seeking, BUT I can tell you the LESS attention and time you spend on him, the better off you will be. When he calls, don't engage in a conversation (as hard as that might be) - hand the phone to your child immediately. Be cordial, but short. Keep the background as silent as possible. If you can, record the conversations to make sure he isn't trying to poison your child's mind.

My ex was both physically and verbally abusive to me, and it is really hard to ignore, especially when children are involved, but it does get easier...SLOWLY, but it does.

Feel free to email me - I can say I KNOW what you are going through and I'd like to make sure you're OK!

Good luck to you!

what could help don't talk to him use a third person to exchange what you have to talk to him about such as about your son your pastor a social worker but let him know you have a life and he needs to get one and someone will take messages for you he will not contact as much this way talk to your pastor about this

Everyone is giving great advice. I agree with keeping the conversation short and to the point and as minimal contact as possible. You could let your husband deal with him or keep in touch through email. But as minimal contact as possible.

From the spirit of your letter, I am assuming that you are a peaceful woman that doesn't like confrontation. If I am correct in this discernment here is my advice: stand up to him. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are no longer going to tolerate his disrespectful behavior. If he is spending time with his son, arrange drop offs and pick ups through a mutual friend so you don't have to deal with him. Also telephone calls should be the easiest to deal with. If he becomes disrepectful in any way during a conversation - HANG UP!. After talking to "Mr. Click" enough times he'll get the picture. If you are having to deal with him personally for money, file a child support suit. Let the state collect from him and distribute to you (again, no direct contact).

For a year I dealt with an ex that wanted to run my house and his girlfriend's too. I was the kind of woman that would sit in front of him with my head bowed down while he called me every name that came to mind. When he left me and moved in with his girlfriend he harassed me and threatened me. Then one day I'd had enough.

I stood up for myself and called his bluff. I basically said do what you say you're going to do. Let's go ahead and get it over with. And after today I WILL NOT have anything else to do with you. Like most bullies, he cowarded out. A couple of times he tested me to see if I was serious. I would answer his phone calls with, "I have nothing to say to you." Click!!!

Long story made short I don't have to deal with him at all. I let someone else handle his visitation with our two sons, I get his child support checks from the state and had him served with divorce papers a week after I made my stand.