I have had a problem with my daughter lying to me frequently and taking books and dvds from my room without permission. She then hides them in different places in her room. She also takes my cokes which she has been told not to do and drinking them sometimes late at night and then hiding the empty bottle or doing the same things with snacks. She has had consequences many times but nothing seems to work. I praise her when she refrains from doing this but it is hard to know all the time. What should I do?
I would be worried of sneaking the soda's and food to her room. Is there a deeper level of why she feels she has to lie or even sneak food.
I think you need to pick your battles a little better. If she is not a troubled child, maybe you should think about some compromises. Why does she get in trouble for taking a coke--it is because it is yours?? or are you trying to help her maintain a healthy lifestyle (are you setting a good example?), or what? same thing with snacks. Teenagers are growing and they are hungry all the time. How about a compromise--find some healthy snacks and make them available. Let her help you pick some out. How about bottle watered with those flavored packets if you are concerned about caffeine.?? She is probably tired about hearing from your about late night snacking and eating and "your coke" which is why she tries to "lie" her way out.
I see a bigger issue with taking other people's property and not returning it. That does not lend itself to being responsible. And that is the issue. She is old enough to have a discussion about asking to borrow a DVD and then returning it after viewing it. Is there some reason you do not want her to view your books or DVD's? Is the content not appropriate? Does she damage or lose your property? Is she looking at DVD's instead of doing homework? Those are more important issues than is she "borrowing your DVD's. At our house, all of these things would not be a big deal.
You are going to have bigger problems if you can't establish good open communications with your teen. You don't want "little inconsequential lying" to lead to bigger issues, but if you make issues out of these little things, then she won't open up on issues like friends, school, depression, drugs, alcohol and all the other things kids face.
If she is lying about more serious issues, then you might want to get some family counseling. Good Luck--the teenage years can be tough on kids and parents!
I hear you and feel for you. Teenage years are the worst and she is only 14, wait until she is 16 and wants to be out of the house on Friday night at a party with a boy and you say no. Might as well bolt down the windows now. :)
As for the cokes, well, take away the problem. Don't buy them, sorry you will have to have one when you are out. Or allow her one every day.
Kids do lie because they fear the consequences. Are the books and cd's from your room so terrible that you can't share? Instead of getting mad try getting excited and have her talk about what she has taken, what interested her in the books or music. How does it make her feel?
What do the both of you have in common with these books? Allow her time to dream - with you. I would let her know she can use them as long as she likes as long as she returns them when she is done.
If you are hording you are teaching her to horde as well.
My teen borrowed everything and thank goodness she couldn't fit into my shoes! lol
We did have a problem getting her to return items or return them in the shape she borrowed them. That was a lot of work but she did get better after she had to replace with her own money.
Big thing is this, keep communications open between you, keep the trust between you strong. The worst is yet to come and she will need you. She will fail many times but needs your unconditional love to see her through these awkward years.
Everyone always says they wish they were their kids or had what kids have or the life they have but really, it's a hard thing to be a teen these days.
PS: Get her involved in a really good youth group and send her to summer camps. Fantastic way to keep her on track. Chrysalis youth camps in your area -this is a great summer camp. They don't allow any outside influence for a week. Kids ate like piggies and worshiped all day. It was incredibly fun.
Lots of love, hugs, and patience. If you get frustrated just let her know she hurt your feelings and lying is never accepted. Ask her how you can work through this? Talk to her not like a baby but a blossoming young woman and with respect and by giving it she will learn to give it back and respect herself too.
Love to you both, C.
Are you her mom or her sister? Honestly, you sound like a jealous sister. I think you both have some growing up to do. Yes we all have some things we like to keep to ourselves but when we covet things we are locking a part of our lives out from others. There are times in our lives when we need to take an objective look at the way we live. I bet you had some issues with giving away things that were precious to you and others didn't treat with respect. They didn't treat your things or you in a mature way at a time when you didn't have power to protect yourself. You are trying to use your power now to protect things that arn't really worth all the power you are using. Love people, use things. Get rid of things in your life that you dont' want your daughter to be using or seeing. You don't need them but you do need her. You are in a "can't win" situation. Stop now! BE THE PERSON you wished you could have had as a child to protect and treasure you. That is the hard part of being a grown up. Yes, you missed it and it is not fair but your daughter (and any grandchildren..greatgrands and on and on) will benefit from your unselfish actions now. I know this is not the advise you expected but it is the mirror you needed.
God bless you as you trust in Him to change.
Welcome to having a teenager. Just keep maintaining your limits and boundaries. You will have to keep repeating yourself and the consequences. Remember when they were little? It's just like that only with more attitude. My oldest daughter just turned 15 and the younger will be 14 in June. There are many times I find my makeup, shoes, you name it in their room.
Also, remember to focus on the dishonesty as the unwanted behavior. There isn't any real communication as long as there is dishonesty. Hang in there.
When it comes to your teenage daughter, pick your battles. While lying IS a serious thing, drinking coke and taking dvds are not as serious. She could be doing much more dangerous and serious things than that. You don't want to be on her case about every little thing, it could drive her away. Be careful what you fight about, let some things go.
Hi M.,
I was in your daughter's shoes as a teenager. My mother was very deliberate about not allowing us to have snacks/cokes, so as a result, my sister and I would binge and sneak snacks/cokes when we could. My suggestion would be to provide sodas/snacks and explain moderation. They don't always have to be sugar filled (fruit, goldfish, peanut butter crackers, etc.). Also, I would ask her if there is anything new going on at school. Maybe she is having a hard time fitting in and feels out of control. Sneaking snacks/cokes is a way to make her feel like she has some control. As for the books and movies, I would try to put them in a place that would make it difficult for her to get to them. Also, I would ask why she is taking them? Are they movies/books she's not allowed to have and is there a way to compromise? Sometimes being a little flexible with limits can go a long way... not to mention it would help build trust between you and your daughter. I wish you the best of luck while you deal with this and hope you receive some advice that works well for you.
God Bless,
M.
I understand your concern about your daughter's lying. Also, I know that every parent can choose their home's rules and how to enforce them. That being said.....
Really???? Choose your battles wisely before you have much larger ones. I drink cokes and therefore, can't really punish my children for trying to do so. I certainly, however, don't encourage them. Luckily, they choose milk or juice.
Are the books or movies at a level that she shouldn't be reading or watching? With older children or teens, one can't expect them to do as you say and not as you do.
Good Luck!
I understand your concern M.. Because when they start being dishonest about small things, if you don't "nip it in the bud" those things will grow into more serious lies and cover-ups. They become immune to the guilt of lying. I wish I had a solution for you. I guess I would spend alot of time on my knees. Maybe pray with her as well. That may really make her stop and think next time.
Yeah, I am sorry, but I just dont quite understand the need for things like that to be off limits. She does need to learn to respect boundaries, however, and while it seems that most of us agree that you may be setting some boundaries/rules that we would not, it is your family and she needs to respect your rules. Since it seems like nothing else is working, I wonder if a little similar action would be helpful. Show her what it feels like to have things missing from her room, hidden in your room somewhere. Explain to her that this is simply about respect of another persons property, and that if she wants the respect of her things, she must respect yours. That said, I really think you need to reevaluate the food issues. My mom had cokes in front of us, but we werent allowed to have them...which only made us want it more. If it is not good for the kids, it is not good for you, and while I am sometimes guilty of the same thing, it is a double standard. As a teenager, she should not have to ask for food. Now, if she is eating a bunch of junk, well...you have total control over that...dont buy it. Teens struggle to be in control of their impulses, and truly that part of their brain is not as developed as an adults, so it really is hard. This includes managing food choices sometimes. I am like TF and dont have books or dvd's that only belong to me, so I cant help you there. We have a family room, with family property, but I also dont read or watch things that would be inappropriate for a teenager to see. If that is the problem, than for sure they need to be kept under lock and key. I hope you find a good middle ground, as she clearly needs to be respectful...but maybe you can bend on a few things to make it easier for her to respect you. Good luck! ~A.~
First of all, this was really weird because I'm "M. D" and I have 3 kids, but my older two are pretty much the same age as your kids... my girl will be 14 this Friday, my middle son will be 12 in May...
I'm having problems with my daughter too, she's been dishonest but not about food more serious issues. I agree that you need to find out what's bothering her if she'll open up to you. If you don't know why she's doing it, then how can you really solve the problem. Communication is the key to any relationship.
God bless
I know this is a serious matter, and I am not trying to make light of it...
However...
My mom used to hide her cokes in the toilet tank so my sister and I couldn't find them! Genius.
You may want to ask her: "What are you getting from taking my things?" "What do you suggest that might help us resolve this problem?"
In other words, attempt to find out what is her motivation - other than because she wants to take your belongings.
L. H. Lang, Ph.D.
Life Skills Unlimited.com
I'm sorry -this may seem off topic - but are you the only person in the house allowed to drink Cokes? I ask because they're "yours" and that, alone, in our house would be reason for everyone else to 'try to get one'.
IDK - I used to do stuff like this to effectively shoot the middle finger at my brand new stepmother (I was 14)- mainly because she and her kids would take my stuff and 'rearrange' my things when I wasn't at my dad's, but it hardly seems like you and your daughter would be going through the same peeing on the territory behavior this late in the relationship. Good luck - much patience.
S.
Many will disagree. I didn't cure my daughter of the same problem, but I sure got her attention when I deceived her about a phone call. It made her mad and cost her a date. Oh well, she got the point-for a while.
Have a (non-confrontational) talk with her explaining she is going to lose your trust in other things if she takes stuff. If just the movies of yours, and pop is the only thingso far it doesn't sound too bad, but why can't she borrow your things, are they age in-appropriate?? usually my stuff I thought was fine for the kids to use. And as for the coke, is she not allowed any pop, yet sees you drink it ? You weren't clear on that. I can see where you wouldn't want them to have any before bed time, or too much period, and that goes for adults also, the message wasn't quite clear on that. It really doesn't sound like she is too bad about it yet if you are fair with her, I think she will stop.
take away priveledges... if you do not want her to have your stuff, lock it in your room. you can get a regular door lock on your bedroom door. take your office key or another key that she does not have access to and make the new door lock compatible to that particular key. might make her mad but you have a right because you are the parent.
