Seeking Advice Regarding Talking About Death

Hi. I recently (April) went through this with my 3 yr old. My father died in about 3 mos of being diagnosed. I told him he was sick, he new cancer but preferred sick and knows he's safe in grandpa heaven. Didn't quite understand why grandpa was in the caket but eventually he'll ask all the questions. Be honest and answer questions as they come up. I guess I had a small advantage - I used to work in a funeral home and was very comfoirtable about talking about it. Take care.

Please involve them in the process for her death. Be open and honest. Talk to her talk about her. Talk about the great memories. The sooner we deal with death as children the better. Death is a gift. She is sick. I love this story best. She is in a cage. She is not happy. When the messager of death comes he will open the cage and they will fly away together. She will have her new life. Her birth into the next world. Have the children plan a party for her new life. Let them grieve and tell her they love her.

Hi M. M

I asked a similiar question back in early August. You might want to read some of the replies. Alot of research has brought me to purchase the books listed below dealing with anticipatory grief, dying and death. I found myself without the right words and needed to prep myself to better be able to help my children when the time comes. I hope these titles help you and your children.

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown (wife of the Arthur creator Marc Brown)

What's Heaven by Maria Schiver

Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley

When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief by Marge Heegaard (targeted for age 6 and older)

M. M

I just will add one more suggestion. My kids lost their beloved Grandpa last year. He had been on life support, so we knew the end was coming. We "gradually" got them to the idea of him not being around anymore.

We talked everyday about his condition (adjusted to the age of the child) and how the doctors were trying to make him comfortable but his body is just too old and sick to get better. Talking about losing him seemed easier when we could broach the subject before having to directly deal with the death. When he did die, the kids were prepared and understood why. They understood why Mommy & Daddy were at the hospital a lot and that grandpa was well loved.

Another note: At the church service, I got up and read a list of things that each of my kids would miss about grandpa. I interviewed each of the kids and their lists were adorable. "I will miss grandpa's loosy neck skin" "I will miss how he fixes my toy horses" etc. The people at the service were moved to tears, and the kids now have a list that will serve as a reminder for the rest of their lives.

I would also suggest the book by Maria Shriver it was helpful when my son's greatgrandfather passed away a few months ago. I know death is very difficult not just for children but for adults too. I would explain things differently to your 4 year old than your 8 year old but try to be honest with them and talk about it. My 8 year old is also very bright and I made the mistake of assuming he understood that death was permanent and that he understood that his great grandfather was my husband's grandfather. When he realized that his grandparents would die someday that was very troubling for him. Most importantly talk about it, listen, and let him ask questions.

I would keep it simple. Let your kids know that their aunt was sick, but that she went to heaven and isn't hurting anymore. To explain the funeral, I would say that people are sad because they loved her and will miss her. But, that people are also talking about your Aunt and remembering what a wonderful lady she was, so that they are celebrating the fact that knew and loved her.

Whether or not the kids were affected negatively or positively on this one is still to be determined, but their very close grandma passed away almost a year ago to the date. My kids went to visit her up until the point that she seemed uncomfortable to have them around. A priest came to give her her last rights. It was very sad...but the kids were part of it. It made it very special. We did not have them there for the final hours. She was not herself at that point. We read books and talked a lot about it.We were making a video slide show and picked out pictures and music together. Honestly we had them attend the wake and funeral. They seemed OK...but at some points they were removed because of wonderful family members who took them out for awhile. The hardest part was whether people wanted them around. It might be nice to talk to the person about what they want regarding the kids. Do they want the kids at the wake, funeral,....while my husband wanted the kids there....other members may not have wanted them there. So it became stressful...if you find out the wishes of the immediate family ahead of time, if they have time to discuss...it might be a good idea. At the time of the death and services, you may find that they will not communicate their preferences until it is too late. Make sense? While my husband wanted the kids there, others like her siblings did not. If you get the dying persons wishes if they are able to communicate them, I think everyone will be happy in the long run. No one will contradict the person who has passed. I say the best way to talk is to watch videos and read books. There are some beautiful poems about death too. Maybe the kids can draw pictures. I can not recall specific books, but I am sure you can google titles. The librarians can help too. I know "Love You Forever" is a great book.It makes you cry...but crying is actually very healthy. Cooncidentally, I have a voice mail of my mother in law singing happy birthday to me last year. I was cleaning out old voice mails and heard it. I just turned 40 so it was a real treat to hear her. Yes we all still cry...but it is over happy thoughts. Kids too. It was a rough year. We lost our Golden Retriever too in Dec. So the kids had their share of death in a matter of months. Kids bounce back....just keep open communication. Good luck.

We went through this type of thing a year or so ago with my son. I guess my first suggestion would be to evaluate your spiritual beliefs. If you are a believer in Heaven, this explanation can be very comforting to a child. My son was still very curious and went through several months of wondering if my husband and I would die soon, but with lots of reassurance he settled into the thought that we all go sometime and it is nothing to be afraid of. I would focus on how peaceful she is now and definitely go with the celebrating her life approach you have mentioned.

My sympathies,
A.

My advise will be to go the spiritual route, explain to your son that his aunt is now in heaven because God was ready for her to come home. I won't get to much into detail, but I believe that helped me at a very young age to deal with the passing of many close relative...knowing that they were in heaven.

Good luck! It's a tricky thing, I'm sure.

Good morning M. M
I know how difficult this is going to be because we're had this experience. My suggestion would be to tell them your aunt is gone away to be with God. He will take care of her and take away her illness. Explain to them that people are crying because they will miss her. They're crying tears of joy because she's in a better place and there's no more pains in her body. Be strong for them and keep your arms around them. Yes, there will be many questions but be prepared to tell them she's o.k. and she will always love them. I'll keep you,your husband and the boys in my prayers.

A little about me: I'm a early retiree, married to a wonderful man for 2 yrs 4 mos. First husband (deceased). Mom of twin girls (grown). I'm a member of Unity Of Love Baptist Church since 1987 and love it. My girls father passed when they were young. I had some explaining to do also.

M. it sounds like you know exactly what to do. You said it yourself, you can explain why his aunt is not around and that is what makes people sad and you can do some things to celebrate her life. Perhaps put some pictures in a special box or something. There are many books in the library and bookstores, but you already put it quite beautifully. I can't think of anything more loving than what you just said and permit him to grieve. And if there is a need to see an extra counselor during school hours or a special time to cry that should be addressed also. I am so sorry this is happening to your aunt and you sound like such a good, caring person.

M.,

My grandfather passed away in July. Although my girls were not close to him, we saw him regularly. We talked often while he was getting worse that someday he would go to heaven. We talked about how people are sad when someone dies, but we should try to remember all of the good times we had when they were with us. Maybe putting a little photo book or scrapbook of her pictures would help your little ones. Good luck. Death is never an easy subject no matter how old.
B.

There is a really simple awesome book called "Tear Soup"! It helped me when my mom passes 5 years ago. Aslo there is another especailly for kids called "A Place in my Heart".
Kids are more resilient than we think. Prayers are with you and your family.

I'm assuming from your post that you aren't comfortable with heaven???? With my children it has been a very reassuring thing to them. They know that though someone dies that there is hope and love in heaven. I don't believe either of my girls ages 5 and 3 are uncomfortable with death. We are sad when someone passes, but happy that we will meet again.

Hope in heaven is a wonderful message for children. It is very reassuring and comforting to them to learn about such a wonderful place.

If that is not part of your belief structure, then I'm not sure how to discuss it without making it scarey. I would not recommend that you take them to the funeral either. Seeing someone in a box, cold and still is very disturbing. Then the services at the cemetary just might be too much. Knowing they close the lid on you and then put dirt on top would be very scarey I think. (With heaven my kids know the person has a soul and it has left the body to be in heaven....their great grandfather passed back in May and they were fine.)

I attended funerals of elderly aunts when I was a child, but was taught from birth about Christ and heaven. It never bothered me to see someone dead. When my cousin died (he was 7) I was 13. I cried because I missed him, but it wasn't devasting or traumatizing because I've always known I will see him again. It is a long story but I do believe he had a premonition that he was going to die because he was very distraught the night we left for Arizona. He was only 6 and he was use to us visiting and then leaving, but on that occasion he was very upset. He died before we ever spoke again.

Don't know why I went into that because it doesn't really apply...but he knew what death was because his grandmother had died a few months before. He told us he was going to see her for his birthday. He turned 7 in the hospital while still in a coma. Not long after he died. So he was right.

Now that being said, I hope that you will be able to find a way to discuss this very painful, but necessary topic with your kids so that they won't be afraid or disturbed. It is a fact of life and a sad time, but should not be devastating by any means. Good luck!

Hi M.,
1st let me say I am sorry for your pain. Next I agree with other posters, let your children know whats going on. I live overseas and a few years ago got the call my brother was in heart failure. I flew home with both girls (then 7 & 9)we went into ICU after agrueing with the nurses that we had come around the world and there was no way they were keeping my girls out of his room. Kids are actually great with this stuff if we let them be. Let them go see her, hug her and kiss her.Let them say goodbye. They will understand.

First of all, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such a difficult situation.

I've done a lot of research on this topic (my mother passed away when I was 11 and I was really angry with how my parents handled it--I was actually angry with the terrible advice they got). I also worked at a preschool when one of the kids lost a parent quite unexpectedly. We all had professional counseling on the topic then as well.

Here's what I've learned:

Be as scientific and factual as you can be depending on the age of the child. For your 4-year-old I'd stick to the facts, "She was very sick and her sickness made her body stop working and she died". Stay away from anything abstract including the idea of "sleep" or "heaven". Children can actually develop fears of sleeping and wide open places where "G-d can take them to heaven". Be very literal with him and answer any questions he asks as honeslty as you can. He'll likly grieve in spurts--very concerned about it one minute and not seeming to care the next.

For you 8-year-old, I'd recommend the same tact. Be factual, but know that he has a better grasp of the finality of death (though many specialists say that kids don't FULLY grasp it till they're 10 or 11). He'll probably be more scared that bad things may happen to you or your husband than your younger son. Be honest about that, too. Don't make promises that you can't keep... Tell him that you're healthy and strong and it's unlikely that either of you will become so ill that you'd die. Also tell him that his aunt would want him to be happy.

There are lots of great books about death out there. I'd hit a library or bookstore and ask for help.

You could also have your children make a memory book about her. I'd do it before she passes away so that once it happens you can remind them of all the good times you all shared. Your older son will probably grasp the idea of keeping a "spirit alive" moreso than your little one.

Again, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Let me know if you need anything else!

--B.

There are alot of good responses here. I would like to add one thing and that is, if there is a funeral with an open casket I would not encourage the children to view the body. I did this as a child at the insistence of my grandmother (my Uncle had passed) and it was terrifying to me and my sister. It haunted me for quite a long time and looking back on it, I don't see the point. Children that age don't really get the concept of death yet. They will understand more as they get older. Best to you.

So sorry that you are going through this. What did you tell your son, about her illness, when you went to visit her? It's good that your children did go to the hospital to visit her. Since they have a little history of her illness, you can proceed with...."because of her type of illness, your aunt became weaker and died. The hospital did everything they could to help her but sometimes it is not enough." Talk about death in the context of your religion. Answer questions simply. Assure your children that you (Mom) are going to be around for a long time, should that question come up. Tell him that it's okay to miss her and be sad but that "your Aunt wouldn't want you to be sad for a long time". Tell him how you feel....you are sad and you will miss her too. Talk about something nice that she did, fond memories, things she baked, funny moments. Think of some way you can carry on her legacy....plant a tree, garden, give money or time to a charity that she was involved in or get involved with the charity that helps people with the illness that she had and teach your children that, through moments like this, it's how you keep alive a loved one's memory. It gives them a positive outreach when they are faced with death.

Giving the counselor at your school and the teacher a heads-up, just to let them know that your son may be dealing with a relative's death, would be helpful too. My prayers go out to you.

These are all good responses, especially about asking your kids what they will miss/remember about their aunt. Can you take your children to the hospital? I bet your aunt would love that (has she made her wishes known on that?) If not, ask the kids now and read her the list of things they will miss about her. We must remember both parties in this, because they shared such a special relationship.

It's okay if you're not spiritual. Just be honest. And ASK your kids what they would be comfortable with. You kids may want to see your aunt in a casket for closure, but they may not. Let them make the decision because it lets them be in control. Just prep them beforehand. I saw my great grandfather's body at the funeral when I was four and I remember all of it clearly, but didn't really have a concept for what was happening and so wasn't upset. Children will be more scared if you hide things from them. I think your kids will do very well with this and surprise you, but there will be sadness and that's okay. There's no way to spare them that.

I'm very sorry for you all not having your aunt with you anymore.

BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOUR CHILDREN ~ even if they don't quite understand....let them know that she is dying and that she may not be herself due to being sick. Children want to know details even though most adults tend to want to keep children away from the details. It is better for children to know what is going on than to have to make their own assumptions. As they grow, they will understand the details more later. My Grandma was sick and dying two years ago....I took my 4 kids to the hospital to see her and say their goodbyes. I explained that this would be the last time they would be able to see her and hug her and to tell her that they love her because she was very sick. It was very good for them to know that this would be the last time to say goodbye. And I explained to them that when she died that she would no longer be in pain and she would be back to her normal grandma self. I also explained that when she died she went to a special place called heaven. And whenever they miss her they look up in the sky and just say "hello grandma". It is comforting to them to have a "place" in their minds where they KNOW she went instead of wondering what happened to her and being afraid of death. They have been able to deal with death of others more easily as well. Good luck with your decisions. Please know these suggestions are just my own opinions. I am in no way trying to offend. Good Luck...

talking to kids about death is very hard i have a 5 year old niecse who i had to explain to her great grandpa died. Kids are very smart they know what is going on even when you dont tell them everything. For me i explained to her that god was ready for grandpa to come live with him. and since she goes to sunday school she knows who god is. i also told her that when god wants us to come live with him we will see grandpa again. it helped her to get though everything. sometimes she will still ask questions and we try our best to give her ansers. you have to take it day by day with kids one day they will be taking things ok then some days they will break down and cry. i hope this helps some sorry bout your aunt

"he will need know why his aunt is not around and why people are sad but also happy in celebrating what a wonderful person she is."

Seems that you know already what to talk about.

I would suggest that you replace "he will need to" with
"he already knows and will know that his aunt is not around any longer.

All life forms come to an end, from bacteria to humans, it's nothing bad, or odd, or scary. it just is. and when we lose things and people we tend to miss them.
and on the other hand, if care to, we can remember what we liked about them, what was good.

That's life.

R.

There is a fantastic story called "The Next Place" that is perfect for explaining death to young children. I can't remember who wrote it but I am a preschool teacher and reccommended it to one of my students mothers when the child's father unexpectedly passed away. It is a beautiful non denominational story that basically describes a concept of heaven as "the next place." It is simply written and has gorgeous illustrations. I would definitly take a look at it. It should be available at Barnes & Noble or Borders. If not I think they can special order it for you. I think the book will be great for your 8 year old because it describes how in "the next place" you are always happy and how beautiful every thing is. It is a very comforting book and I think it will put your son at ease to know that his aunt is in such a wonderful happy place. The book is also simple enough that your 4 yr old will get some meaning from it too.

M.,

We lost a great grandparent that my daughters were close to when my oldest was 4, and my youngest 2. It is very tough. First, it depends on your belief system. You definitely can tell the child where you believe the person is now (very carefully). Also, for explaining why people are sad/happy...you explain that you are glad they are no long sick/in pain, etc, but then you tell them you are sad because you'll miss them. A lot of the "common" theories about death can scare the snot out of a kid. I am a Christian, and if you are, you have to be careful with the "God took Auntie to be with Him." That one freaks out the little ones. My youngest went around saying, "I don't want to go to heaven. I want to stay here with you." She had overheard someone say that very thing. You just have to phrase it all carefully so they know that you are healthy and not sick so they don't worry about that, and they should be reassured that they are o.k. It is very tough. There are some good books out there, but can you believe I can't remember any of their titles right now. Kids understand a lot more about these things than we expect them to.

I guess I am repeating what others have said, I should have read their responses first.