Seeking Advice in Marital Dispute

I think if either the husband or the wife is not comfortable with it then it's off limits. If the couple disagrees on this particular subject then I think the right thing to do is respect the spouse's wishes and not participate in the communication.

A., my husband is a marine and he said this is a normal military worries they have a saying when the men are away the wife will play so when he is back home talk to him then and see how he feels

good luck

Personally I would feel odd staying in contact with an EX and I would find it odd for my husband to want to do the same. My husband and I trust each other very much - neither has given the other any cause for concern. I've known my husband for almost 30 years and we've been married a good number of them. I just think that bringing "someone" in the house (via the internet or any other source for that matter) who is the opposite sex, who was a friend, possibly with fringe benefits, just isn't appropriate. And why do it? And, even if YOUR intentions are pure, how do you know if the other person doesn't have ulterior motives or less scruples???

I have run into people in the past, at reunions or someone has passed an e-mail to me. We've exchanged e-mails and phone numbers but we rarely contact each other - unless 5 years has passed and another reunion celebration is in the works. Over the years, I have worked with a lot of men - it's been fun but ... unless it was at a party or a very occasional Friday night for drinks, we didn't socialize outside of work. Even then, I'd invite my husband.

I think it's one of those things that no one sets out to have bad intentions but... people get lonely, bored, amused by the new attention, they find a new place to vent, they begin to enjoy the fresh conversation, nice compliments, boundaries are crossed... and that's how an emotional relationship is born!

Personally, if my husband wasn't comfortable with something that I was doing, I would really give my actions a long, hard look. I'd debate it with my husband if it was worth the hassle but I wouldn't pursue it if it drove a wedge between me and my spouse or if one of us was adamantly opposed to ANY given situation. That's always been our unspoken rule.

All I can say is wow, so we live in the 1950’s or are we in the year 2000. My husband lets me go out to dinner with male friends, I am even still friends with a guy I used to date ten years ago. My husband trusts me completely and I trust him. If there is no trust in the relationship, then there is something going on that needs to be addressed. I am on facebook all the time and I am friends with many past boyfriends. They are married and have kids themselves and we enjoy seeing pictures of each other’s kids. What is the problem? Shame on the mothers that told you were selfish, what are we the Stepford wives. Give me a break, sometimes the other mother’s on this network make me so angry with the rude and obnoxious remarks they give other moms. I think that you are completely fine talking to other men on Facebook as long as you are just talking and just friends. Your husband needs to learn to trust you. Maybe he was cheated on in the past, I dated guys that were really jealous and it was either because they were cheated on or they were cheaters themselves. You need to sit down and find out what is causing his anger and jealousy. Good luck and I am sorry about the other rude comments from some of the moms.

Be careful. You are headed for choppy waters.
You said an important word, "boundaries". We need to have them for ourselves and for our relationships. but....

Look at this from your husbands side for a moment...the woman he absolutely loves is a "million miles away" at home with his family, that he misses terrribly. He is "lost" w/o you and wants to be with you. The thought of another person, especially another Man, "taking his place" is too painful for words. Irrational, yes. Real, yes. He feels threatened and wants to fight to the death for you...as he is doing already.

How would he respond if he were at home in a 9-5 job? Are there underlying issues of trust for him? (my husband has these from childhood) Are you being completely honest with yourself about why you want to have this relationship? What does it fill for you? will you let your husband read all your correspondence, or would you rather he not? Ask yourself some hard questions, and then one more...is it worth it? Do you want to be "right" or would you rather be married? Some things are about principle, yes, but is it good for the unity of your family? I have chosen to sacrifice some relationships along the way for the well-being of my marriage and our family as a whole. Is it fair? No. Is it healthy....yes. Does it involve pain? Yes. Either way there will be pain. Which way is a "hurt so good" move? Pray about this, own your true motives, speak lovingly to your hubby, pray....and do what is right.

PS Some guys from "the past" I can keep in touch with, some I don't. I honor my husband's feeling and he tries to honor mine. Relationships are messy! Married 25 yrs in Sept. - Always keep working at it cuz it always takes work!! xo

Unless you have been in touch and friendly with this person since the day you met your husband and your husband has always approved of this relationship I don't think you should disregard his feelings. Think about it from his perspective...he is out of the country, he misses you terribly and instead of keeping touch with an old flame he'd rather keep in touch you, his wife! You should try to focus on your husband and children...forget about being friendly with a guy from the past that may be looking for more than friendship. God bless you and your family, J.

You've already gotten lots of advice so far and I also agree with the majority. It's not worth it to cause a problem in your marriage over this. It's best to respect your husbands wishes and try and understand his point of view. I wish you the best.

A.,

Although I understand your "point" I do have to advise you that "suspicion" of any kind can KILL a marriage....if you love your husband, please, do him this small service and do NOT take on any "friends" who may one day make him feel a bit "suspicious" b/c it's just not worth it girl! Look, you are married, you have chilren...that is worth more than any "facebook friend" you could ever have! The ex, I'm sure, will understand...you know you can erase him as a friend and they won't contact him about it....so just do it!
You are a young woman, be sure when hubby is away from you for months at a time in Afghanistan he will feel much better if you do this for him:) Small sacrifice, no?

Why would you want to do something that would cause your spouse anxiety? It's such a little thing that you could do to let him know he is the most important person in your life.

No matter how innocent you think this is, you can never know the true intention(s) of the 'old boyfriend/girlfriend'. Take the drama out of your life and forget about it.

Trust me, I know.

Don't go there girlfriend. Next thing you know you are involved in an "emotional" relationship with the person on facebook and you end up divorced. What seems to start out innocently enough turns into a lot of stress, and unhappyness.

Being in an emotional relationship is , in my opinion, actually worse than having an affair sexually. The sex comes and goes, the emotional ties you together so closely.

I'm sure you didn' want to hear that answer, but I have 2girlfriends that did what you are saying and their life is a mess now. One lives with her parents and the other has a very "weird" lifestyle now.

Weeell. It's a tricky issue, definitely, as despite you trusting your husband, it's easy to let the imagination get the best of you. As you re-connect with past relationships, you might find it easy to share intimate details and before you know it, it's easier to talk to an old flame than talking to your husband. Then you start feeling like someone else cares about or understands you better. I am NOT saying that this will happen. I am currently re-connecting with an old love, so I am navigating this, too. My husband knows this- I gave him the first contact email I received from the ex to read and we discussed it. He is really okay with it and has agreed to let me know if he ever becomes uncomfortable. And the ex's wife helped him track me down and I have been assured is a-okay with our correspondence. I appreciate the ex's re-entry into my life as he was a great first boyfriend/long-term relationship in my life and I value his opinions and I can rely on him for good parenting advice as my boys are younger than his, so he's been there! But we have clear ground rules about not revealing too much about our spouses or details of our marriage. Boundaries are key! So is respect! No whining about your spouse! Our marriages are long (11 and 15 years) and sacred and although it's easy to complain when you feel you have a sympathetic ear, neither one of us has any desire to endanger the relationship of the other person. From your description it sounds like your husband is long-distance, potentially heightening his feeling that, if he's only able to be in contact with you via phone and email, that he's on equal footing with another guy. He doesn't have the benefit of being by your side, seeing your day-to-day devotion to him, seeing how much time you're spending on these other facebook interactions. Staying friends, absolutely, as long as the opposite sex does not have another agenda. Trust your instincts and be sure the other party has your best interests at heart, not pumping you for intimate details or fishing for compliments, etc. Maybe now is not the best time to actively pursue those relationships, though, while you and your husband are apart and he's feeling vulnerable. Maybe he does worry too much or maybe it's natural given the situation? Has he always felt jealous? And what is most important to you.... are these friendships something you feel you need to take a stand on? Are they worth making him feel insecure? I don't know your situation, but if you're asking the question, you obviously care about him and yourself, so you'll work it out! Good luck!

This one is about RESPECT. If your husband is not comfortable with it, then don't do it.

You can live with one less Facebook friend. If this old flame is more than just another person on that list, then that spells trouble anyway.

Respect your husband's feelings, drop the old friend. It should be a no-brainer. It has nothing to do with whether you are doing anything "wrong". Find other friends you haven't had a relationship with.

I think if it hurts your husband's feelings then there's your answer. Is it more important for you to be in touch with your ex or to be sure you aren't hurting your husband? Even if his fears are unfounded, they are his feelings.

Under normal circumstances, NO BIGGIE! But, your hubby is far away, missing you and wants to keep you protected while he is serving his country. He is jealous. My sweetie gets upset by some of my guy friends of myspace. It is thier natural tendancy. They assume that men only want to be your friend for only one reason... which is often true. Be careful. Hubby needs to not worry about what you are up to... he needs to focus on his task at hand! I would suggest keeping it innocent as you are and giving him your password... it will ease his mind while he is away.

Hi A.,
I think you should let this one go! Your husband is asking you not to talk to someone while is is out of the country and you should respect that. Your situation is not the "norm" as you are not under the same roof right now. If this person really did have a meaning in your life you would have never lost touch to begin with! Show your husband how much you love and respect him and never talk to your EX again!

i think it totally depends on the people. I was upset w/my hubby got connected w/an ex, but only because he was almost secretive and giddy about it. i know i have nothing to worry about, but it made me realize he needed more attention from me. If your husband is in afghanistan i could see where he'd be jealous. affairs happen every day and facebook has made it that much easier.

Hi A....I think he believes he sees it as an emotional relationship. There has been alot on daytime TV on it. I know for sure there was one I think last week on DR.Phil about spouses having emotional relationships either on or off the computer.It had nothing to do with sexual contact at all. I have a male best friend that just came back into my life after about 15yrs and him and my husband get along great. So I just think maybe it is because your husband is so far away...Good Luck over it!

My husband and I also both have facebook pages and completely trust each other. However, that being said there are limits that we both agree to. I let him know whenever anyone from my past contacts me and since he is my friend he can read my page whenhe wants. We have been married over 15 years and together over 22yrs and have learned when to worry and when not to have concerns. I am also a therapist and have advice from that stand point. The concern could be that you are alone all day with young children both your own and watching others and may need adult stimulation and conversation. Also if you get lonely because your husband is out of the counstry his concern could be he is worried you will fall for someone else. You have to let him know how much you love him, your family and that you are only doing this for touching your past and keeping in touch with others. There is nothing wrong with having many friends and if you don't visit with them without your husbands knowledge and are not hiding anything there is nothing wrong with facebook.
R.

My husband and I also have had this controversy, and I must say, it is very worth while to talk about and to keep talking about. When it all comes down to it, our marriages have to be above reproach, and I don't know if you have ever heard of the book, Love and Respect, but I think there is a lot to it. Women need to be loved, and Men need to be respected. Talking to an ex from the past....what good is going to come from that? AND....are you willing to give it totally up for the sake of respecting how your husband feels? The fact that he is diployed right now, gives you ALL the more reason to honor him while he is away, and not to give him 1 reason to not trust you. Sure there is trust involved with talking to the opposite sex, but that isn't the bigger picture here...the bigger picture is establishing apporpriate boundaries and honoring your marriage. Talk to an Ex...NO WAY!!! IT's over and in the past. THere was an emotional/pysical connection there at one point which is different than just a friendship. Also, you are more vulnerable right now with your husband gone. Don't allow anyone (guys) to fulfill any emotional needs you might have. You need to guard your heart and your relationship. It may seem harmless now, but you have no idea where it will go. You can't give alchololic one drink becuase he will want 5!

BEst of luck...I am prety passionate about preserving marriages and not allowing anything to creep in that could break-up what God has joined! Stand strong girl and pick and choose your battles wisely! This is a small request you can honor and respect of your husband!!!

This is advice from a grandma! I have been married 45 years and I just want to say, if your husband has been deployed the most important person you need to keep in contact with is HIM. Stop thinking about past acquaintances and spend time letting your children have the opportunity to keep in contact with their dad and letting him have the opportunity to know what is going on at home each day so he feels a bigger part of your life.
Anyway it sounds like with day care, which I deal with, too, and your own children, you should be too busy to try to contact voices of the past - give your husband peace of mind while he is gone and make him your top priority!
S. O.

Pick your battles. If it means that much to him then make him happy. Old flames can be dangerous, maybe thats why they call them "flames" LOL. I say stay away & re-connect with old female friends instead. Perhaps it would be different if your hubby was here but you may become vulnerable being home alone with 2 young ones. Get a different support system & not from old flames. I agree that you should be your own person even though you are married but I also think you should pick your battles & old flames aren't worth it. Good luck

From time to time I email a family friend Iceland that actually visited once when my husband was here. I also get emails from time to time with a friend in Florida...but nothing beyond hows the family. I have friends on facebook that are male, but they are mutual friends with both of us...no old boyfriends.

Personally I'm of the mind that why play with fire. It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with taking chances. Your husband is away for long periods and it's easy to get lonely and confide in someone that you have had a past with. What if that someone shows up at your door one day? Your husband is away and it wouldn't look good and it could be touchy.

I don't do bars with girlfriends because most people in a bar are there to pick up someone. Why take a chance of meeting someone that seems really interesting when I've had a few. Nope, not going to do it.

Why email or communicate with someone that you use to have feelings for? What if you and your husband get into a little spat and you confide in that old boyfriend about it?

The thing is anything can happen and, me I don't do anything that could be construed badly or put me in a situation where I have to explain myself.

I have a best friend. I married him. I have email buddies that live in other states, that I never see and it's always just about the family. I don't confide anything personal to a male friend.

I think your husband is right. You don't need to keep in touch with an old flame....what's the point. Don't you have other friends or family to talk to? He's away and that's hard....harder still if he knows you are talking to an old flame that is much closer than he is....

Even the strongest succumb to temptation when they play with fire. Reassure your husband of your loyalty and understanding by keeping the friends of the female persuasion.

PS I'm a military brat and my dad did many stints away on remotes, TDY's and so forth when I was a kid. My mother never had any contact with a male outside family unless she was in full view of everyone in the neighborhood. Someone once wrote my dad in Thialand to tell him my mom was cheating on him. The whole neighborhood was able to testify for her that she was not doing any such thing. Really the life is hard enough without him knowing that you are speaking to someone you once had feelings for...even if you say you don't now. Think of the divorce rate in the military as well. Not good for sure. It's just too hard and not worth it.

I think it is unwise to maintain opposite gender relationships that are very close. To many people 'fall' into affairs these days because they feel an emotional connection with someone. The relationship may start innocently, but can develop into something more.

That said, I do think it's okay to have opposite gender relationships under certain circumstances. I have friends from college and high school on my facebook this. I am very open about it with my husband, and he is comfortable with it. Some of the things to think about
-is my hubby comfortable with it
-do I have strong feeling sor this individual
-am I going through a hard time with my husband
-if my thoughts start going the wrong direction with this person, could I share that with my spouse and cut off the relationship

If your husband isn't comfortable with it, talk it over with him. Openly discuss his concerns. Ask if it would make him feel better if you gave him access to your account. Bottom line, it isn't worth harming your relationship with your husband for. Nurturing him in this decision, even if you think it is silly, can strengthen your bond with him. And remember that many women would be delighted to have a mate that would care enough to wantt o protect the relationship.

Of course this is assuming he's not an abusive control freak, trying to cut you off from everyone:)

- If you do go forward in this relationship, don't talk about problems in your marriage with the person
- Be very aware if you share things with the person that you don't share with your mate
- Be very aware if you start to want to spend more time sharing with this person then with your own husband

Okay that's my rambling on that topic, I better do tend to the kids:)

*I just noticed that your husband is deployed. This would add a huge element. He's probably seen buddy's whose wives have left them. He may be ealous that someone else has more access to you then he does. There are so many stresses that go with deployments (I can't even imagine). Please be very careful. Maybe this is a better bridge to cross when he is back and things are more settled. he may just need to hear your commitment to him through this, since he is so many mile away.

I agree with many who have already responded that this one is about respect. If your husband is not comfortable with you keeping in touch with your exes, then you should respect how he feels. I wouldn't like if my husband stayed friends with his ex girlfriends and I'm sure he wouldn't like if I did the same.

I agree with you, A., but my husband is not overseas. He is probably not distrusting you, but has so many things to think about that he is concerned. Maybe he knows guys overseas who have lost wives to old boyfriends while they were deployed. I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your husband can get through this.

After writing this, I read your update. You are very thoughtful of your husband and I keep in touch with a few ex-boyfriends. My husband knows it is only friendship and he keeps in tough with some close female friends. Our trust in each other and love for each other is where the trust lies. You haven't done anything wrong and should not feel bad about anything you've done.

My husband and I are in the same situation as you. He feels that exes are exes and they should stay that way. I feel that it's OK to be facebook friends and catch up once in a while.

My husband has an ex wife he talks to all the time because they have a child together. So I feel that it's hypocritical to say I can never talk to an ex when he talks to his all the time.

HOWEVER if that's the biggest problem we have (me talking to exes on facebook) then I consider myself blessed! Out of respect for him I do not talk to my exes (call them up, connect with them etc). He has agreed not to get upset should they contact me and I don't hang up on them! Instead I'm pleasant and brief.

Marriage sometimes calls for compromise. I was uncomfortable with him and his ex wife throwing joint birthday parties for their child with her relatives and his relatives all mingling and me feeling very out of place and he agreed not to do that anymore. So how could I offer him less in return?

Consider it your GIFT to him, not bending to his wishes. Doing something that makes the other person happy can always be a gift!

Personally, it doesn't bother me. My husband is in contact with a former girlfriend on Facebook.

But that's my opinion. If it makes your husband uncomfortable, I think out of respect for him, you shouldn't do it.

Personally I think you are playing with fire. Especially since your husband is away. If it is important to him , it needs to be important to you, after all, that's what we would ask of our husbands,,,(to make whatever is important to us..important to them) right? Don't jeopsrdize your relationship over something like that , it's not worth your future or your children's future. They need loving parents who stay together. My husband and I are leaders of 2 groups a week , for marriages that are in trouble. We have been doing this now for over 5 years, trust me, I have seen it all.

Out of love and respect for your husband you should listen to him. Even though you know you have no feelings for this ex...you need to show him how much you love him by losing contact with this guy. Show him you are 100% committed to him. Too many marriages fall apart because people aren't willing to give 100% to each other. If he would do it for you...why can't you do it for him? If this ex means nothing to you it won't matter if you cut off the contact right?

Not a good idea. If you are keeping in touch with an ex, and it makes your husband uncomfortable, you should stop. I know on facebook, you get in touch with a lot of people from your past. It's not a big deal to message "what have you been doing the past 5 years?", and you catch up briefly. But regular repeated contact starts forming a relationship- even if you are not seeing each other face to face. I see in your "little about me" that your husband is in Afghanistan for 12 months- I can understand why he'd be wary of an ex coming back into your life while he is so far away. Especially since he can't be in your life as much as a husband typically is. Good luck!

I agree with your husband. It is inappropriate to remain connected to the ex. There is no reason to remain connected. If you say the reason is friendship, find another friend that does not cause your husband anxiety. Most male exes remain connected to the woman for something other than friendship, whether the women want to admit it or not.

Especially considering your hubby is deployed, I am sure he worries about you. Wouldn't you worry about him if you were gone for a year at a time!?

Put his mind at ease and let go of the ex. It is never worth it. I can attest to that.

Good luck to you and your family.

Consider his point of view- he is halfway across the globe and unable to be there for you. He just doesn't want anyone else to fill the gap for him. I think it is pretty reasonable for him to ask that you not be too friendly with past flames. I think you may be in a vulnerable position emotionally, having your husband so far away, and that would leave you more susceptible to forming emotional attachments to someone else.
Just a thought. Hope that helps! Good luck!

i think that if it bothers one of the members in the relationship you need to accept that and end the communication whether it is innocent or not.

Personally, I would normally say that it oughtn't to matter if you have a strong relationship and communicate well with each other. However, as he is deployed, I would recommend that you wait on fostering friendships with old flames until after he is home again. While he is so far away, he is probably missing you and worried about what that seperation might do to your relationship. Let him have this for now and then revisit it again when he returns, if you are still wanting to connect with these old friends.

Even though it may all be perfectly innocent, it would be too easy for it to all go the wrong way, especially with your husband gone. He is worried because is he so far away from you. I would ease his mind and not be in contact with old boyfriends at all. It's just not worth it in the long run.

My brother in law is in the guard and he was gone to Afghanistan also for 12 months. I feel for you. It was so h*** o* my sister in law. You are in my prayers, and thank your husband for his service to our country.

This is not a normal situation due to your husband's deployment. This can be a difficult subject for any couple, and when one spouse is far, far away for 12 months and feeling very vulnerable, it's got to be tough.

A question to ask yourself is, why do you want to be friends with these guys? One of my very best friends is an old boyfriend who my husband loves, too. We never even think of the time when we had a different kind of relationship. So, I think ex-boyfriends can absolutely be great friends - you shared a part of your lives together, they know you - BUT, that said, I definitely get the Facebook messages that seem to want to rekindle something. Only you know if an old friend is a good, supportive addition to your life or if the communication is flirtatious and possibly playing with fire.

If these old connections are helpful to you - you are under stress, too, single parenting for a year - maybe you can talk to your husband about why they're important to you. But if you could wait until he gets home, maybe that would be the way to go. It's a tough balance, but it seems all the other posts favor what HE wants/needs, and I guess you have to really look at what you NEED too, and what's really worth fighting for.

My husband and I joke about this alot as we have both have people pop up from the past who seem a bit "interested"; in particular he has an old flame or two that he actually hangs out with occassionally. I am not threatened by that personally, and he has gone out of his way to tell them, hey I am totally committed to my wife, etc. so this is a friends only situation. I think it is fine as long as the communications are totally open and honest, nothing is hidden. That is, he can check out my facebook page any old time he wants and he shows me emails from her etc. Not a problem since there is nothing to hide. You husband is across the world so of course he might feel a bit more nervous and rightfully so. Make sure he can see that your communications are platonic and then I think he has nothing to complain about. I'm sure he talks to women over there who are serving in the armed forces as well, etc. THere's no reason not to be friendly with persons of the opposite sex, just don't lead them on IN ANY WAY.

Well, quite honestly I have never thought it was appropriate for a dating or a marriage partner to 'tell' someone what they can or cannot do or who they can or cannot see. Of course, if these connections are happening with intent to cheat or be unfaithful, then we have a different issue on our hands.

Both my husband and I Facebook. I am 'friends' with pretty much all my exes and my husband is 'friends' with several of his exes. I have no problem with it whatsoever. All of those relationships were in the past and while it is fun for both he and I to connect with our former flames, that's all it is...fun to catch up with them and nothing more. He chose to marry me. He made vows and promises to me. Together we created a child and every night he comes home to me.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong as long as it is just catching up and touching base with an old friend. It sounds like he has self-esteem and/or trust issues.

A.,
Everybody is different, and your husband has reasonable concern if there has been an intimate history with your ex. It truly depends on the honesty, openness and understanding you all have. Some people will say it doesn't matter, but really look at that persons facial expression and bodily reactions. I know my husband gets jealous sometimes about little innocent things,because some of the things he does and says. Before I married him I had male friends, but marriage is different. The love, trust and understanding has to be there. Take it slow!

All the Best

If your husband feels that strongly about it, you need to ask yourself if a friendship with someone from your past is worth hurting your husband, the man you chose to be with. Maybe also ask yourself why you feel the need to have that friendship. In my opinion, you gain nothing from having a non-real friendship with a person with whom you were once attached. It's only asking for trouble. Good luck and God bless your husband while he is protecting our country!!!

A., I've done the deployment-wife thing. Seriously, psychologically speaking the guys have it awful over there. They're either getting bombed or shot at or they're laying around with nothing to do but think about their lives at home and how they could be falling apart without them there. Being a military wife, you also know there is a LOT of adultery that happens in that lifestyle. Your guy has plenty of examples around him of "oh we're just friends" turning into "honey I'm cheating on you because I'm so lonely." I am not being dramatic, that's just how it is being in a military marriage. Stop whatever it is you're doing that is making your husband upset. He has enough to worry about getting home safe right now. If you want to keep your marriage, this is not an issue of who's right and who's worrying too much. This is an issue of how to make it easiest on your hubbie so he can focus on his job. Any old flame is not worth your current marriage and is certainly not worth any tiny part of your husband's peace of mind while he's serving.
Good luck,
MC

I totally agree with your husband and I think you will find it will go much better overall in your marriage if you respect your husbands requests, especially on issues like this, why play with fire? What good can it possibly bring and who do you care more about, an old flame or the man you committed your lie to and is the father of your children?

I have a bunch of exes as my facebook friends. My husband has quite a few on his fb too. Does it bother either one of us? NO. But, that is us. It's probably not worth doing something that is going to upset your husband that much. But, I do have to say, if he says you can't keep in touch with your exes he better not either. That has to go both ways not one way for you and another for him.

Many people are going through this right now.
I do think this is dangerous territory because they always bring up the "remember when" scenario!!

My 2 cents... if you are open and honest with your husband it is ok. If your husband feels uncomfortable it is best to back off! THis person can still be a "facebook friend" but I would not get into any chats etc with him. Remember ex's are ex's for a reason.. sometimes its easy to forget why!

A.,

I see you have gotten plenty of advice here. I didn't read what was already written but wanted to give you my opinion. Because your husband is deployed, I would honor his wishes. It must be very hard for him to be so far away from his family. Do what he asks for now and have another discussion when he is home. His feelings my change. When my husband was working nights, he was much more insecure about what I did without him. Now that he works days, he is much more open.

Although I agree with you, that as long as friends stay friends, it should be ok... I DO see where your hubby might be coming from. It's hard for him to know what may be going on while he's away. And while he probably does trust YOU, he doesn't the other guy. So while I think you may be right, is it worth it to argue with your husband over 1 friend? On the other hand, if he is like that with any male friend you have, then maybe you should put your foot down.

Not Good! You should not feel that you have to talk to past boyfriends. FaceBook is bad enough, without your husband having to worry about you talking to other men. Wake up and be a good wife, Respect your husband!

I'll tell you this topic was on the radio the other day and the consensus is that Facebook is ruining a lot of relationships and marriages because people are being reconnected with their old boyfriends and girlfriends from high school or college and they are "hooking up" or should I say rekindling those old flames. This is what they were talking about on the radio anyway but I can see how Facebook can be a big problem.

My husband and I went on Facebook last month to see all the people we knew from our respective high schools (by the way, we are not members--we were just looking) and I saw a guy on there who I use to have a huge crush on in high school and he saw a girl that use to have a crush on him in high school. But would I ever sign up and try contacting that person, absolutely not. So if you're asking my opinion I think you're asking for trouble, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband talking to old girlfriends on Facebook and I'm sure he wouldn't like me doing that either. You're playing with fire.
If you're husband doesn't like it, then STOP!

Dear A., if it is not so important why spend so much time talking about it?
Besides that point, you know the best how far you can go? Right? With both guys, I mean.
Do what you think is right for you but there is an old saying "you cannot step in the same river twice" and my opinion if you cannot, why waist your time?

I agree with many of the women here - why risk your marriage and upsetting your husband to prove a point? While you may only be talking to the ex-boyfriends on facebook, cheating does not only come in the form of sex. Emotional cheating can be worse, and when you are talking to another man about your problems, it's emotional cheating, especially when the spouse does not condone the relationship. Good luck to you.

Ok, I'm a little confused. Is it you who is keeping in touch with an old boyfriend, or your husband? Although, I guess it doesn't really matter.

Well anyway, it depends on if the spouse knows and has ever met this person. Is this other person also married? Did you/he just get back in touch recently after not talking, seeing each other for a long time? Is this truly an old boy friend/ girl friend or just a friend who happens to be of the opposite sex, and someone you never dated or had "relations" with?

My initial response is, that it is NOT a good idea to keep in touch with this person.
Especially if it turns out to be an everyday occurance. If it's like "Hi, nice catching up, now bye!" and there is no more contact, that's fine but if it gets intense, then something is wrong. AND what happens when that person wants to meet in person?
I'd say that it is playing with Fire!

But, if the spouse knows and has met this person, if this person is part of your group of friends and is also married and you know and have met that person's spouse too, then I'd say it is OK.

Good Luck with what ever you decide, I guess it really is a personal choice.

S

A., I do understand where you are coming from, however, men can not handle the fact that their wives have had sex with any one other than them. Consider my situation: I have been married for 15 years come September. I have not seen, heard from, talked to, or thought about any past boyfriend since I have been married (ALMOST 15 YEARS!!!) Well, I went to an anniversary party, said about ten words to an old boyfriend, that I had not seen in over 15 years, and my wonderful hubby went ballistic!! He later apologized and told me that it "hurt" to know that that man had been with me in that way. Of course, I would have liked to tell him how insecure and childish he was being, but I choose my battles carefully and just let it go, this time.

My advice to you, unless you want to have this fight, and it will be a long and exhausting fight, let your exes go. If you needed to talk to them that badly, you would have married them, not your hubby!

Well, I personally do not have a problem with my husband Facebooking with other women (either friends from the past or work friends). I do inquire as to who they are at times but for the most part I trust him. HOWEVER, I see him every day and I am reassured every day that our relationship is solid. Your husband doesn't have that luxury so keep that in mind.

My major thought on this is - if your husband has a problem with it then don't do it. By you arguing about it, you are showing him that Facebook people -who you are claiming not to be that important - are more important than his opinion (ok it is really his insecurity but don't add insult to injury by saying that). I bet once you say "honey, I agree to disagree with you on this subject BUT I will refrain from talking to certain males (or all males?) on Facebook because it makes you uneasy. I want you to know that I am here for you 100% and you are more important to me" - he will back off. I think that initial reassurance will help him. I think it is not that he doesn't trust you but more that he needs some reassurance/boost to his self esteem and to know that you are not looking around for someone else but rather just passing time on Facebook in a purely innocent manner.

Hope this helps!

If your marriage is important to you, honor your husband's wishes. He is serving his country and has ENOUGH to worry about whewre he is, without worrying about you here!