Rebuilding Your Marruage After Infiedelity

My heart and prayers go out to you A.. If both of you are committed to saving your marriage it can be done. You have the added incentive of three little kids. It will take a lot of work on both of your parts and it is a long road to recovery. Make sure you both like the therapist you are seeing, if you don't then find a new one. I think it also helps to have a faith based therapist if you are religious.

There is a book called Divorce Busters (there is more in the name but if you put that into Amazon.com it will come up), that is really, really good.

Trust needs to be earned and you won't just give it quickly, your husband will have to understand that. If you can concentrate on your kids because they can probably sense the problems in your household, it will help.

I have seen 2 sets of couples go through this so I will speak from watching them and what they went through. The first couple sorta swept everything under the rug. She didn't seem to have enough self confidence in herself and her selfworth to fight for everything because she thought she would loose her husband and be alone if she stood up for herself. THey are still together, he hasn't cheated and their relationship is OK but not great. I think she just tried to "forget" it. Even though they are together I don't think this is the way to go.

Another couple fought and they fought hard to fix it. Honestly she went through hell. WHat you are feeling is normal. SHe went through it. She cried alot, she hated him for a while. SHe wanted to leave him and hurt him as much as he hurt her. It is part of the process and it sucks. (i know..aren't I encouraging..sorry but I am trying to be honest.) They went to counseling both together and individually. She needed to work out her feelings of hurt, frustration and distrust and he needed to figure out what happeend and why so he could fix it. THey worked very hard to fix their marriage and it worked. They are a much stronger and happier couple than they have ever been. She still remembers he did it but she doesn't throw it in his face and she doesn't hurt anymore. SHe still gets sad occassionally but she is fine.

Make your relationship and road to recovery like the 2nd example. If both of you work hard, you can get past it. It won't be easy but it is worth it.

I wish you the best of luck. I am sorry you are going through this. I went through a divorce last year and I understand the feelings you are having as I went through similar ones. This too shall pass. If you need anything, you can always send me a message.

God bless you both for wanting to save your marriage.

First - remember that forgiveness does not make everthing better immediately. Forgiveness is a choice - you choose not to remember, you choose not to let the past control your life. Whenever the hurt or the bad thoughts come back, just remind yourself that you forgive and have been forgiven.

Second - there is a great program called Retrouvaille. You can check it out at www.retrouvaille.org. It has saved many marriages. While it originated through the Catholic faith and is associated with the Catholic church, it is not
inherently Catholic (or religious). Anyone is welcome to attend (any faith or no faith). My husband and I attended and were blessed by the program. If you have any questions about it, please feel free to e-mail me.

Good luck and don't give up!
-J.

Hi A.,

I'm so sorry this has happened. I agree with what has been written so far and just wanted to encourage you in your decision. I have seen people come out the other side of this with their marriages becoming stronger and better. And I read somewhere that when couples stay together for their kids sake they end up being happily married in the end. In other words, it passes and newer more positive experiences overpower the old, bad ones. Hopefully that makes sense I've got a toddler having a fit here over his blocks falling apart!

I wanted to add that forgiveness isn't easy, but it's important. You don't want to carry that poison around with you. Try to focus on any single thing you can that is good about him as you go through this, like he's good to the kids or works hard or something. But if you don't let it go it will eat you alive. This I have learned firsthand and it sounds cliche but is true. We don't forgive for them, we forgive for ourselves. I don't know if you're religious, but it helps to pray the Our Father because you say forgive us as we forgive others. And boy it's hard to hold a grudge when we're saying forgive me like I forgive others. I have let go of many hurts by praying that prayer.

Your case is extreme and I'm not trying to diminish that, just offering another look at forgiveness and why it's important. Having been forgiven some pretty terrible things from early in my marriage, I can say forgiveness is a beautiful gift to yourself and your kids' dad. And ultimately your kids themselves, because a family cannot be replaced, it can be copied but there is no substitute for both parents together in a home with their kiddos.

Good luck to you!
D.

I just wanted to add that you are a very strong, brave person. You must really love your husband to give him this second chance. He is so lucky to have have you. I hope he sees that :) Good luck on your journey. I hope all turns out well for the two of you. ((hugs))

Please get the book "Love Must Be Tough." I believe that your marriage can be restored, but I believe this could be valuable info for you.

Oh, A.. I was almost in tears reading your request. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Cry all you want! He does need to know that HE is responsible for building up the trust that he broke down. It will take time.
I disagree with the post that says to "put your husband first". Right now you need to put you first. Your priority now is to heal. Be totally honest in counseling. Don't hold any feelings back. Forgiveness is not a switch that you can turn on, sometimes it takes time. Cut yourself some slack, my friend. And if he cheats again, leave and don't look back.
Blessings on you. I pray that you heal swiftly!

I have lived in your shoes. I don't ever want to do it again. But, and this is a BIG but, this type of situation has the power to change everything in your marriage. It can even make it stronger as you two are trying hard to fix the broken part of your relationship. You should feel like you can't trust him because you haven't been able to. He will have to earn your trust in a major way. You should feel hurt because you have been hurt so badly by someone you love. Stay in counseling. The first reaction for me was if I only would have been thinner, fatter, smarter, dumber, funnier, more serious...etc. You see where this is going. I wanted to have some type of control over this by assuming the issue was with me. As another writer told you (in her wisdom) this is not about you. You cannot fix what you did not break so do not feel like there is some kind of timetable for you to follow to make things better. It takes time. Lots of it. My prayers are with you. God Bless. P.S. Whenever you try to "picture" what happened please just go for a walk, dance with your babies, or pray. That kind of thinking will really prolong your healing.

I would work on rebuilding your marriage and all the while beginning to rebuild your self esteem. If it doesn't work out you will like- no love you, you, you! And you will soar without a cheating spouse. You don't deserve that. No one does.And if you yourself feel better you aren't going to want to put up with that at all. Sometimes people have such a hold over us we do things we thought we'd never do. Such as accepting that type of person into our lives. You will not want that for your daughters so think how you will live with it in your life.

Dear A.,

I speak from experience and I remember feeling that way for a very long time. Please try counseling and be completely honest when you are in counseling. Your husband needs to know how what he did made you feel. Counseling is a great place to start (it saved my marriage) and makes it easier to communicate your feelings to one another. Please hang in there and give it time. Best of luck to you.

So sorry to hear about what you are going through A.. I absolutely believe you can rebuild your marriage - and an even better one - after this has happened. My parents went through this and it was really tough, but they were committed to staying together, got through it and have a much, much closer and more honest relationship now. It's like any break up, death, devastation -- at first you eat, sleep and breathe it. It's raw and awful. But in time that lessens and eventually it's a very distant memory. Hang in there and give yourself whatever you need to ride out this tough part. You can get through this and come out in a better place. You'll find out what you both need to do to make your marriage more solid. Best of luck to you.