Raising and Disciplining Children in a Christian Home.

We are not perfect. We are parents, doing the best job we can every moment of every day.

While we do take toys away (and yell), we try to do more positive reinforcement, rather than negative. If they were good, listened and answered the first time, shared a toy without being asked, etc....we give them gold coins. Once they get so many, they can trade them in. Ex: 10 gets you ice cream or a date with mom and dad. 50 gets you a play date at something local. 100 gets you a day at Disneyland. These can be taken away or given for almost anything. BE CONSISTENT. This is the hardest part. We give one for getting ready every night without being asked - meaning in PJs, vitamins, teeth brushed and reading in bed before bed time.

Hi--
First, I need to say that being Christian has nothing whatsoever to do with disciplining your children. Do you think that a Jewish mother or a Muslim mother should yell at their kids? Do you think that Christians have moral superiority over non-Christians? Honestly, you need to examine why you needed to stress your Christianity in this post. How is that playing into your feelings of guilt and inadequacy? How is that effecting how you feel about your role as mother?

Next, the goal with discipline is to teach your children respect for you, not fear of you. You want to empower them to do things correctly, rather than disempowering them through punishment. Positive reinforcement ALWAYS works better then punishment. Praise them for being good--try to catch them at it. Children want to feel like they have some personal power in the world, but are too naive to really know how to use it. So to avoid tantrums, give them choices that you are okay with. I'm trying to think of a good example of this, but I'm failing. Maybe this: Your child wants to wear their pajamas to the store. You say, we can't wear pajamas to the store, but you can wear outfit A or outfit B....which one do you want? This allows them choices, which make them feel powerful, but also keep them on the path that you want them on.

When you do yell--we all get to our breaking point--make sure that you take responsibility for your actions. If my child yells at me, they get sent to time out to calm down. When I reach my breaking point I tell my kids that Mommy needs a time out to calm down. If I yell and upset them, I always apologize. I'll say something to the effect of, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. It's wasn't okay for you to (insert behavior here), but it also wasn't okay for Mommy to scare you. I got frustrated and I took it out on you, and that's not okay. How can we both do better next time?"

You want to teach your kids through actions. They do what we do, not what we tell them to do. In essence, you are raising an adult, not a child. How do you deal with adults who try your patience? How do you want your children to deal with conflict?

Make sure you praise and discipline the behavior, not the child. Never say good girl/ bad girl. Say "You made a poor choice. " or "This behavior is not okay". You want them to know that they are lovable just because they are, not for the things they do or don't do. You want them to feel free to make mistakes and learn from them. To teach them that when you know better, you do better.

Also, keep in mind that it takes time for children to learn impulse control. Sometimes, even though they know it's wrong, they still can't control the impulsivity of wanting it NOW! You're not a bad parent if your child throws tantrums, is rude or disrespectful. It's how you deal with those scenarios that is telling---not that they do it. All kids misbehave. Heck, most adults misbehave :-) It's about the example you set for them in how to deal with things.

I think a really good program to help you with all of this is "Love and Logic".

Good luck!
J.

I would look into positive discipline. There is a great Yahoo group if you are interested in learning more. Positive discipline works on the assumptions that children are doing the best that they can for who they are now, that they want to learn, that 'to discipline' means to teach, not to punish, that our job as parents is to set boundaries that allow our kids to be safe and to develop an internal moral compass (not to 'be good' because they will be punished or have 'consequences').

The things that positive discipline is not:

It is NOT jelly fish or permissive parenting. It is setting boundaries that make sense and respect BOTH the parent and the child.

It is NOT praising kids instead of punishing them - praise can actually be destructive and is simply the flip side of punishment.

It is not a specifically religious approach to parenting. However there very definitely are Christian parents in my positive parenting group and I see nothing about the approach that would conflict with your beliefs.

Positive parenting is pretty much the diametric opposite of 'back to basics' discipline, which I personally find to be incredibly disrespectful of children.

If you are interested, please feel free to PM me.

My best advice is to make sure you are not neglecting your walk with the Lord. Too many people think that if we are doing the basics, church, tithe, read a short devotion once and awhile, don't smoke, chew, or go with those who do... That's enough. It's NOT enough. The word is our life. The spirit is there to always tell us what to do, teach us, train us, help us, and even guide our prayers with the Lord when we don't even know what to say. The closer we are with the Lord, the more he can help us in every other area of our life. It seems so selfish to moms to put our needs above our children. That's what it seems like.

Looking over my 27 years as a mom, I wish I had not allowed the busy nature of life, the stresses of finances, and the desire for all kinds of hobbies, projects, home schooling concerns, and hundreds of daily distractions, hold me back.

If you really want to be a better mom, don't forget that you are the daughter of the most high. :)

The Book says, "Parents, do not exasperate your children..." Oh, that it would only say, "Children, do not exasperate your parents!" Actually, it does, in different words! But they're just learning, and we're the grownups.

You can't do anything about your husband's absences. He can't do anything about your yelling. You each have your own challenges to meet. Even when you have separate challenges, you're still on the same team.

In your post I hear you saying, "I don't want my children to grow up the way I did." It's quite an undertaking to do things differently from a way you already know. You do know that, for this, you need to change yourself, rather than burdening your children with the responsibility of *making* you calm and happy. This is mature thinking.

I like Gigi's advice. You may not always keep your children from fighting and yelling, but you can keep *yourself* from doing it. When you feel your stress level going up, automatically and deliberately lower your voice. That's a good place to start. Don't let your children's moods control yours. When you feel like yelling, squash the feeling (that's actually the way I feel when I have to do it!), and lower your voice, especially when you have to correct. Do it even if your children don't respond. They may be in a mindset of, "I don't have to listen to Mama until she screams." Don't mind it - keep at it and they'll get curious.

Lowering your voice may lower your blood pressure, so to speak. This is a major shift, so know in advance that you'll be working on this for a while before it even feels comfortable. You'll stumble - but, as you progress, you'll realize that *not* yelling opens doors to other ways of management.

It is easy for us to see the crazy things our children (and in my case my grandchildren) are doing - and the things they do that make us crazy. Along with the decibel-lowering, look for the good things about your children, and talk about those things openly. Let them hear you say, casually, "I really like the way you're sharing your toys right this minute," or "Thank you for coming when I called you." On one of those television programs that many people have a love/hate relationship with, the mother says (and she isn't the first to say it) that for every time you correct a child, try to praise that child TEN times. Ten good things said for every bad thing - that means you have to do a lot of looking for the good things. This is another major shift that will take some time for you to get used to.

If you have a very close friend at church who will stand in the gap and pray for you as you make these changes in yourself, ask her. Pick someone who won't talk about you to others, and who will want to be a cheerleader for you, so to speak.

Most importantly: Please, please, please don't have it in your head that you're not being a Christian mama if you're not being a *perfect* mama. I wondered, when mine were little, how other mamas could sit in church on Sundays with their children politely and quietly sitting beside them, and how their children always seemed so well-behaved every time I saw them. I was *always* having to correct mine, in church and out. It was years before I realized those same women had been thinking the same thing about ME! The Christian life is not about being perfect - not even on the surface.

first explain to the kids what is expected of them. then when they don't do what they should, straight to time out. you don't have to get mad, it's the natural consequence of their actions. if they know ahead of time, "fighting with each other equals a time out so you need to work things out together." then when the fight starts, no surprise, you earned time outs. everyone will tell you (because it's true) consistency is key. and realize they aren't doing it to punish you -it's not personal.

what i really want to stress though, is that if you are active in your church (or even if you aren't, but have a church "home") most likely your pastor would be happy to counsel you. that to me sounds like the best option. because your husband has to be with you on this. my guess is that if there is anger in the house and the kids are getting yelled at, mom and dad get yelled at (by each other, by the kids) too. that is no way to live. i suggest calling or emailing your pastor asap. after you sit down with your husband and tell him you refuse to raise your kids this way and you want to break the cycle. ask him if he is happy with this life. i bet he's not either. once you both get on the same page (it should always be parents vs kids, not mom vs dad) you will see great things begin to happen.

also, my stock answer when the kids are tattling over stupid stuff is, "i don't listen to tattling. work it out between yourselves or don't play together." that takes care of most of the "he took my toy!" "he hit me!" kind of crud.

one last thing, i'm sorry if anyone has hurt your feelings over this post. i get what you're saying - as a christian woman you want to do this RIGHT and screaming at each other is not the way to do it. you are trying to live a good christian life and this isn't it. i don't think you were offensive or need to examine your motives. i get it.

We're all in the same boat as you, whether it's one, two, three or more children in the household.
I know that when I was studying to be a teacher, my professor said this: "Always keep a calm environment at home, speak in a low voice all the time" and it's true. I practiced this in my second year of teaching, because during my first, I got stepped on and raised my voice all the time. It got me nowhere. Keep classical music playing most of the time, but not the kind that will get the kids all hyped up. It really works for us during quiet play time, and drawing time. I also put story telling by a cassette or CD.My children love ghost stories, and nowadays some Beatrix Potter. I'm in the process of looking into Christmas stories. It's at times when you have to catch up on some housework or cooking that you need to have this on. Keep t.v to a minimum, just not good. If I put them on it, I see that they're so focused on it, I call them zombies. I get very nervous with it. Since you live in sunny Arizona, can you take them bicycle riding, or just a stroll in the neighborhood as often as you can. The outdoors does wonders. We're getting ready to go to NY and visit my parents. I'm really looking forward to checking out the christmas decor on the houses while on our family walks in the neighborhood. Don't feel like you're losing control, believe it or not they sense what you're feeling and they acting out. Seperate them if you must to do their own activity until they calm down.
You're doing a fine job, and we're not perfect either. This is a learning experience for us as it is for the children.

Mommy!!

None of us is perfect!!

I get what you are saying though...I don't like yelling either. I don't want it done to me - so I don't like doing it to someone else.

Setting rules helps.
If it's not yours - don't touch it
If you don't want it done to you - don't do it someone else.
Manners matter.

Consistency works and helps! Make sure they know what will happen if they do X...consequence/result...and make sure that is the same every time.

I count from 5 to 0. My kids know that if I am counting - they are about to lose something. My boys are 9 & 11. I have told my boys - if you take it out - you will put it away. The "M" stands for mommy not maid! :)

You are the parent not the friend.
It is your job to lead by example, set the rules and show them the right way to do things.

I DO listen to them. I don't just say - because I said so. Let them state why there was a problem or fighting. No whining. I can't hear them when they whine!! :)

Hope this helps!

Your house sounds like mine. There is yelling and my husband works a far away, so he is gone long hours mostly because of his commute.

I try to explain to my kids the problem and listen to them. I also try to get them to calm down - my 4 year old goes from happy to tantrum in -60 seconds! So getting him to tell me what has frustrated him is a huge success.

Just be a good mom - and all will fall into place. Don't get down on yourself for tough days either...they happen.

As far as the yelling, you and your husband will have to remind each other to stop. Sometimes my husband and I don't realize we are doing it.

I also try not to correct my husband in front of our kids, but it happens a lot. I feel like he doesn't want them to have anything fun sometimes...or the little things become huge for him and it drives me nuts.

Last year my New Year's Resolution was to use more daily positive language and less negative language. This was an extension of years of already using positive reinforcement and positive discipline with the kids... I just felt like I needed to use it in my life as well.

It's a retraining of your thinking. It's forcing yourself to stop and think before you speak. It's forcing yourself to rephrase your wording in your speech as well as your thoughts.

I also try to keep a frequent gratitude journal and in it, I don't allow any negative wording at all. I used to keep it weekly but lately it's been monthly or bi-weekly. It's hard sometimes to come up with things to be grateful for on a weekly basis... especially if that list is required to be a minimum of 20 things. And if I reach 21, I must then round up to 25. I have to end on a multiple of 5. :-)

Yelling can be tough. I have to remind myself to breathe and sometimes bite my tongue. I try to remember that a lot of situations with the kids will resolve themselves and that it's my job as a parent to allow the girls to let them find resolutions between themselves. We're very big on natural consequences here. They're not allowed to hurt each other or break each other's property, but if it happens and their sister retaliates before I "have" to intervene then oh well. When you choose the behavior, you also choose the consequence.

We also have a list of house rules in easy sight for the girls that have pre-set consequences. That way I don't have to think of consequences on the fly and the girls go in knowing what will happen to them if they don't do what's expected. It also keeps me from overreacting and giving too harsh of a punishment. You can also fall back on it and say, "It's not my fault, it's a rule. See? It's in writing on the fridge."

Check out the book "Back to Basics Discipline."

It can be a tough sell in our current parenting climate, but I agree with her reasoning and it seems to be working for my child.

The basic idea is to teach your children to respect you - 100% of the time, no questions, no arguing. If you say to do something, they should trust that, as the mother, you know best and to do it without arguing or complaining.

She tells a story - and I saw a question on her a minute ago of a mom asking how many time we have to tell our children to do something before they listen - and it reminded me of this story.

They lived sort of out in the country with a small stream/river/bayou something out back. The children liked to play in the stream bed (think big sandbox) and that was fine. Her two girls were out playing quietly by the stream and the mom and her mother were hanging clothes to dry or something.

Suddenly, the mom and grandmother heard a loud rushing noise. They knew at once that the stream was flooding (someone had broken a dam or something upstream). She calmly called to the girls and told them once (without yelling or screaming) to come to her. The girls immediately complied. When the water rushed passed, it was obvious that it would have taken the girls and they absolutely would have been lost.

How many of us can say that our children would do the same thing if we told them once, calmly, to come to us when they were happily playing and were doing nothing wrong?

Here are a few books that I like and use by Christian authors. "Sheparding a child's heart," "Don't make me count to three" and "Creative Correction" all can be found on amazon. Hope this helps!

I agree with Jodi P on everything she said.

I also am a Love and Logic parent.

I do NO yelling. I give choices. Sure my son has tantrums, but I always feel in control of the situation. I'm very happy as a mom and rarely feel like it's too much now that I'm doing it this way.

I also grew up in a house with lots of yelling, so it was very important to me to find a way to encourage and have my kids respect me not fear me. This method was the answer for me.

LOVE AND LOGIC!!