Question on Early Socialization

I have always felt that play dates are for the parents not the kids. I know I need to socialize with someone other than a child. Children don't even play well together until they are 3-4yr.

Preschool is what he needs! playdate are for us moms, so if you don't want them, toss them!

My son is 2 1/2 and has always been a very cautious kid. He actually didn't walk until 20 mo. old because he was so cautious. Besides that, he is a bit shy and reserved around other children. If a child comes up behind him at the playground, he will step aside and let the child go by, etc. I have been taking my son to a playgroup every Friday since he was 1. Over a year, I have seen progress with him interacting with and alongside other kids. Before, he would just accept it if someone took his toy, now he's voicing that he wants it back. He's learning over time how to react to situations. My opinion is that all kids can benefit from playdate/playgroup (whether it be to figure out how sharing works, or how to communicate).

Hi A.. I have 4 children. They are 8,7, 22 months, and 1 (next week). None of them have ever had schedules play dates at young ages, and none of them ever went to preschool or daycare. They are all happy, and healthy (the healthy part because of not being around sick daycare kids!). As long as you are playing with, and spending time with your little boy he doesn't need socialization. Ask your mom. I would bet you never had play dates at such a young age. If you have neighbors with young children, great. If not, it's ok too. My children all share easily, and happily...except with each other. haha

Hi A.,

I have a different opinion... I was in a similar situation having a pre-school daughter,, and another child on the way.

The playdates were a great networking thing for me.. By getting to know the other moms from school and the neighborhood, they would offer to take my daughter for a few hours while I got some much needed rest.

So playdates while not essential for your son, do help to bolster his social skills in a non-formal, non-structured setting, which will serve him well.. Not everything is "school". Also the network you can build may be a welcome one for you.

Val

PS Now that my kids are grown, one getting ready for college and the other for HS.. I am amazed how many of their friends went to preschool with them. So the friends they made there, are still in their lives to one degree or another. ( not us moms though :-) Fostering friendships is never a bad thing.

Play dates were a great choice for me! They taught my kids how to listen to another adult, share, do something new (ie a new game that we don't own), meet other families (socialization, culture). As a teacher I can see who has experienced a lot with other children and who hasn't. If it is stressful to you, then that will extend to your child. So keep it simple. Maybe once or twice a week. Overscheduling kids can be just as bad. Also, I did not have kids the same age in my neighborhood and I liked to go out and DO things. So my kids and I met friends at museums, parks, ice cream shops.

I would also call friends spontaneously and see what they say! They might rush right over!

:) FD

This thread has really helped me understand the mood of other mothers these days. I can't say that it makes me very happy. I have had such a hard time making friends since I moved here when I was pregnant with my dd, who is about to turn 3. When I was my daughter's age my family (and I'm the oldest by 5 years, so I was an only child until my brother was born) lived in NYC. My mother would take me to Central Park everyday and met another mother there when I was almost two. The became best friends and her daughter became my best friend. We lived around the corner from one another and most afternoons my mom and I would go to their apartment (probably because it was larger and the other mom also had a younger daughter, my friend's little sister - sometimes they would come to our apartment too, though). My mom and her friend would hang out in the kitchen or the living room while I played with both of the girls. We had pretty much free reign over the apartment (which was a huge pre-war Park Ave. apt., but not the "do not touch kind" that you read about in books like "The Nanny Diaries" and frankly no bigger than the average house in the suburb I'm living in). There were plenty of toys and blocks and dress-up clothes and we'd build massive forts with chairs and blankets (these memories are probably from about age 3 and a half on). There was a definite social structure that developed where the other girl my age took the lead, I was "second-in-command" and her little sister followed us around. I imagine it was quite like being on a suburban street or small area back when us kids could run around by ourselves (I know it was because we moved to that kind of neighborhood - a beach neighborhood - in the suburbs when I was going into 2nd grade... I knew all of the neighborhood kids and all of the back trails and would play outside until dinnertime or dark.) Anyway, my mom and her friend were really happy with the situation. It was the 70's and they would sit and smoke and have a drink or two (obviously I'm not recommending smoking or drinking in front of the kids... though if you don't have to drive, and you or your friend is not an recovering alcoholic, a glass of wine once in a while shouldn't be such a big deal) - and knew that we were having fun (and if there was a disagreement or someone ran into a door or something, the mom's were readily available to help out). They enrolled us in the same pre-school and then kindergarten and were very social with other parents - we also would have playdates with other kids, but like someone mentioned, they would often be drop-off playdates. I always saw that their friendships were important to my parents - and over the years certain family's became part of our extended family, sharing holidays and birthdays together (even though we moved away from them when I was 7, that first best "mommy" friend that my mom made still calls her on her birthday and my mom calls her on hers - going on 30 years now). I think it was was very beneficial to me and my siblings both to have that extended family of friends as well as the model of friendship and what it means to be a good friend, through thick and thin (sudden wealth and unexpected bankruptcy, parties, divorces, new babies, and cancer).

That is what I want for my daughter, and myself - but I guess it's "too much effort" for people these days. Why? Is it because we're spending so much time online, checking our email and posting to blogs to "schedule playdates"? If I had a friend who just had a baby, I wouldn't expect her to "entertain" me, I would expect to be able to show up and help her out! What kind of lunch do I need served to me?? I can make us some grilled cheese sandwiches and some Campbells tomato soup and be perfectly happy. Is the house a wreck - so what?? So is mine half the time - I have a toddler!! I'll help fold the laundry as long as there is someone to laugh with while I do it. Seriously, Life Is Short!! Our parents, if they are still living, are *Grandparents*!! Who are we trying to impress? If we long for the days when kids played together, shouldn't we long for the same sense of community for ourselves? Everyone is so cut off from one another despite how many Twitter updates we might get over the course of a day.

I thought for a while that it was because I was a single mother that was cutting me off from making friends - but what I actually hear from the majority of married women I know, if they are stay-at-home moms, they are home alone with the kids the majority of the time anyway. I don't know if they throw dinner parties with other couples like my parents did and I'm not invited to them because I'm single... it's possible, but I have yet to hear anyone say that they are going to be busy on a certain day because they had agreed to bring a dish to a dinner or party they were going to (as my mother still does). I do hear a lot of family obligations: my sister is in town, my husbands mother is staying with us while my husband is out of town, my mom is coming.... Of course I can understand that if you have moved far away from your family of origin after getting married that staying connected and visiting with them is a priority - but is it also holding people back from letting people in their own towns or city neighborhoods that closely into their lives? Is it a catch-22 that women are doing everything alone, so that they really *need* those visits from their families which then prevents them from forming new bonds that would be available without travel plans and fixing up the guest room? I still remember the night my mother went to the hospital to have my little brother when I was 5 - my dad walked me down Park Avenue with my Snoopy sleeping bag on his head and I slept over at my best friends house (we did fight over the Roadrunner Pillowcase at bedtime - her mom let me have it). How many of you can say that your 5 year old would be happy to sleep over at a friend's house (instead of having Grandma or Aunt Ann come stay) when you were going into labor? I was extremely close to my maternal grandparents (not so much to my paternal grandmother, who lived further away but more-so was just a difficult woman to get along with). I only have one cousin who was raised in California and who I haven't seen since I was 5 and he was 6 - my parents each had only one sibling, a brother each, and they just weren't close, so maybe that had something to do with their drive to make friends into family, but most of those families that I can think of right now did have larger extended families... and I knew my "faux cousin's" biological cousins and Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents. Ok, this is getting too long - I think I've made my point.

A., I'm sorry you're so tired. I can totally relate to that!! I don't think your son will suffer if you don't feel up to socializing as long as he is enjoying pre-school. I am curious about what your support system is like. If you already have a lot of friends, than most of what I wrote doesn't apply to you.

[I just looked up your profile and I see that you live in Greenwich, and have the means to employ help - as my mother and her friends did, and as I basically have, too, as DD and I live in Wilton at my mom and step-dad's house. I imagine that you and your husband probably do go out at night and have a social life, so maybe you are simply in the position to use one of my favorite film quotes - in "Charade" when Audrey Hepburn meets Carey Grant for the first time she ironically informs him, "I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else." Having grown up in Manhattan and Westport, it's possible that Wilton is just less social...? It was, after all, a "dry" town until only about 15 years ago, so there aren't really many restaurants here, but we're right next to Westport and South Norwalk. If I were married or involved and employing babysitters at night it would be easier for me - as long as my partner was interested in socializing as well (which my daughter's father never was). Unfortunately, no one has yet been successful at getting my dd to sleep except for me, so I've rarely gone out at night since she was born. I almost missed Parent's Night at her pre-school the other week because it started at 7:30pm and she goes to bed at 7pm - luckily she went to sleep quickly and her pre-school is 2 minutes away, but I worry she would still freak out if she woke up and someone else went to her... but that is another question for another day! Actually, it will come up very soon as the school's annual Fundraiser party is coming up and my mother said that she and my step-dad wanted to go (among other things, they donated a very generous gift for the silent auction. I'm in charge of our class donation of a hand-decorated picture frame since I'm "artistic", lol! I still haven't finished it and it's starting to weigh on me like some sort of trial-by-fire. As the only single parent in the class, I almost joked that there should be a committee to find me a date for the darn thing!]

In fact, I'm writing this less in response to your question as in response to the responses you've received (that was a confusing sentence!). I might just use this as my own Request (I haven't posted one yet as I'm fairly new to this site). In the spirit of that, may I ask you who you will be relying on the most as your pregnancy progresses and after your new baby is born? Husband, family, paid help, or friends? (Or all or some, but in what order?)

To the "moms with grown children" I ask, who are *your* friends now? It's great that one mom reported that her child is still friends with people from pre-school, but I wonder what happened to the friendships that were lost among the moms?

Thank you to anyone who reads this or responds. (and I'm sorry, A., to divert from your question - I think you have a consensus here that your son is not going to suffer socialization problems from a lack of playdates at this age. Even I agree with that, though I am concerned for all of our children about the lack of community that seems kind of pervasive to me.) I hope no one take this personally as I don't mean to judge or criticize anyone's lifestyle (I haven't even re-read the responses that got me started on this reply since last night when I started writing this - all I can see on this page is A.'s original post).

Thanks again! - S.

If your son has friends in the neighborhood (right at your doorstep) to play with whenever he wants to then there is obviously no need for play dates. How many days is your son in preschool? What do you do with him when he is not in preschool? I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and we go to gym class on Tuesday, we have a playgroup on Wednesday and then we have play date days with other moms one day per week. (either at my house with other kids or he goes to their house)
I find the days that he is interacting with kids his own age, he is more manageable. He advances with his skills, and language..etc. ..and seems happier...more content. Social interaction is way too important to ignore at this stage. Especially if they are and only child. I remember my stepmother many years ago when her kids were young (there is a 13 year + difference in age between myself and her kids) and she never incouraged them to be social and to this day, (they are 25 and 29) they are not social people. they have very few friends and have no desire to interact with people.
There is no rigamarole when it comes to playdates.....actually it works in your favor because you actually get some time off when they go to the other kids house.
Basically, social behaviour is really important in a kids developement and making an exra effort is really worth the energy.....your kids only have one chance at growing up and it is up to us as parents to give them the best possible. You might even make a friend !!
A little about me...I am 42 with a 2 1/2 year old and am giving it my all - even though I am exhausted - because I feel blessed to even have this one child...and I want him to have the best possible life ...and that starts now !

Personally I think that school is enough. If there are kids outside, and she wants to play with them, then let her. But to go through the hassel of playdates isn't worth it. My son is 3 1/2, and the only iteraction with kids is through school. He has his cousins once and awhile, but not enough to consider anything big. He has done very well with interacting with other kids since being in school. He is a peer to autistic kid in school. And the teacher says that she has seen a lot of improvement since he's been there. I think playdates are over rated and playing with kids in the neighborhood should be brought back. That's what I grew up with!

Hi A.,
Speaking as a mom who had the same problem, no play date are not needed in addition to pre school. I wont say it isn't a great idea. BUT IT IS NOT A MUST. He is getting all the time needed to play with others at pre school. Play dates are a bounus.

N.

hi, new mom here...i personally try to make playdates as often as possible. but we stay home the majority of time, and there's no kids near her age in the neighborhood, plus all my friends w/ kids around her age are always busy w/ work, or live a distance away that makes it nearly impossible for the spontaneous playing. she is usually around no kids so i HAVE to make play dates or she'll never be around kids. i would think that if your child is in daycare, then it's not necessary to make these dates. as long as he's interacting with the other kids...he'll ask to play with the other kids in his own time. good luck, i hope this helped, even if just a little.

Playdates are great and all, but they can get exhausting when you are expected to entertain the parents as well! When I was young, kids would take turns visiting each other and mom would get a break...now mom comes along too (and expects lunch!)

A.,

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!

If your son is in preschool, then he's getting social time with other kids. Playgroups are great for him, no doubt, but the world won't end for him if you take a break from them until you're "back in action" so to speak.

Between preschool, and the holidays coming up, which usually means parties and outings and all that stuff, he's going to have plenty of people to talk to and things to do.

Jess

I think it really depends on your child. My oldest started to want to socialize very early like around 2 years old. I think these days, parents do too much for kids. I think it's important to be sensitive to the need of your child. Does your son want to have playdate? That's a good sign to consider playdate if he wants to do. I have one regret that I didn't try hard enough to arrange playdate for my oldest son when he wanted. He doesn't want to have playdate so much any more and I'm a bit concerned. I think there is a right timing for children and each child has different development speed and need.

Hi A.!

I don't feel that playdates are a must, but that being said a child needs opportunities to foster social skills BEFORE heading off to any type of structured school environment. So if there are kids in the neighborhood to play with or if you go to the park and he has the opportunity to interact with kids both of those are great. I have a 26 month old daughter and a 4 month old son. We do probably two playdates a month with my girlfriends and their kids, we go to the park probably twice a week and when ever possible my daughter will play with the two kids next door. I feel like this is plenty of socialization at this time. There is also something to be said for adults modeling good manners and social skills. Sometimes kids learn just as much from being with loving adults who teach them approriate skills. Hope this helps.

H.